WWYD? Family member spoiled our night out

[eagertoplease]

I went out at the weekend with a group of family & friends to a long anticipated/awaited event that has been rearranged numerous times over the past couple of years. In the group were cousin A and cousin B (also cousins not siblings)

We had an absolutely brilliant night until part way through the event, I came back from the bar with cousin A when cousin B turned on us. Told us both to F off, screamed and pushed cousin A asking why she hadn't gone to her surprise party held last year. Turned to me and screamed "and my mum f-ing hates you as well" and that I'm fake, I just said ok as it was so random to have this screamed at my face in the middle of a huge event, I didn't know what else to say and she then threw her entire drink all over me.

I am so upset by the whole situation, cousin B has got form for this but never directed towards me or other family members. We have always been close/arranged family nights out etc. We (cousin A, me and some friends) left early (cousin B stayed with the rest of the group) as I just didn't know how far cousin B would take it and I wasn't prepared to hang around to find out.

I know some people will read this and think you don't get a drink thrown over you for no reason but I genuinely have no idea what changed from us all having a great time/dancing together etc. to us returning from the bar. Cousin A sent messages to cousin B on the night but didn't receive much back except the middle finger emoji and neither of us have heard anything since.

Part of me wants to text cousin B but the other part of me thinks just cut her out and move on. WWYD? I am a people pleaser and a worrier and an overthinker and I feel sick every time a message comes through in case it is her. I hate that I am like that, I haven't told any other family members as I don't want it to cause drama but I also feel like I need to know what I did wrong and to speak to her mum who apparently hates me.

Sorry this is long I really needed to get it out, thank you if you got this far!

I would speak to your mum asap. She's your mum and surely will understand? Maybe you or she needs to speak to your aunt (are they sisters?). She might know more, especially if B is going around saying aunt hates you.

I certainly wouldn't protect B by keeping quiet.

They are sisters yes, I will tell my mum in the next week or so. I was thinking I’d perhaps ask Auntie to meet for a coffee at her house and have a calm conversation about what happened and ask if there’s any truth in what was said. It’s unfair of me to hold onto this info and feel annoyed about it without giving her the opportunity to explain/deny. I do think she will deny it whether it’s true or not but at least I will have been honest with her rather than holding on to the upset.

I put up with 20 years of this type of behaviour from my brother's wife. She would drink too much and then kick off, although not as extreme as your cousin, usually on holidays and family events and then turn on me as her favourite target. I think there was a strong element of envy towards me which in itself is unresolvable .

What I realised eventually was that she has an untreated alcohol issue ( her dad was a full blown alcoholic), that she was a very unhappy person regarding her life choices and lashing out ( but doesn't actually do anything about it) and that she always got away with her behaviour because everyone was either scared of her or turned a blind eye.

The best thing that ever happened was NC with her and my brother. I haven't had a repeat of the behaviour with anyone else since and life is calmer and more pleasant.

I wouldn't seek counsel from other family members about this. You were the victim in this and getting them out of your life is a reasonable and sensible choice. They assaulted you and need to be gone.

Trying to get to the bottom of who said what to whom is a bit pointless tbh. It sounds like there's jealousy and resentment there somewhere and people usually run for cover when challenged.

And this is why I have nothing to do with cousins now Life is so much more pleasant

I totally get what you are saying but I think I need to get it off my chest, if not and next time I see auntie I pretend like this wasn’t said to me or I just don’t speak to her (which would be hard as she has no clue why I’m upset) then that actually would be fake and uphold their views.

Just be mindful of your own mental health in this. Families can be powerful emeshed groups of jealousies and resentments. Sounds like your aunt and your cousin may have been back stabbing you for some reason (my bets on envy of you). They're unlikely to be wanting to raise you up.

I wouldn't go out around that person again. I had a childhood friend like this. Her life was falling apart, I did try to help, but she was in self-destruct mode and would pick fights with me and try to cause fights between other people too. I cut her out of my life.

You're obviously not going to tell your mum soon enough, which I do not understand. By the time you do no one will believe you or will assume it wasn't as awful as you state since you never mentioned anything at the time. But crack on. I can't for the life of me see why your people pleasing extends even to your closest relatives. What do you gain from that?

What difference does it make when my mum finds out? Her knowing doesn't change what happened and I don't want her to fight my battle. I don't want my mum to worry that I am upset about it which is why I just want to give myself that little bit of time to make sure I can tell her without getting upset 🙂

I know how awful it was, the 6 other people we were with can verify that it happened and it was awful, I can't see why any of my family would think I'd make this up especially as they know how B can act.

I don't know what I gain from people pleasing anybody to be honest, it's not a good trait to have I do know that!

I don't want my mum to worry that I am upset

Why? What is the worst that would happen if, God forbid, someone prioritised you and worried about you? Are you a parent? If so, then how would you feel if your child didn't lean on you about something that was hurtful to them because they were worried about upsetting you? If your mum is a good mum, then she will want to be there for you.

I used to be a people pleaser too. To the extent that I let my first boss call me the wrong name for 3 years because I didn't want him boss to feel awkward once he found out what he called me wasn't even my name. And now I know it's OK to demand people's time and thoughts and energy, or to make people uncomfortable or awkward because we have needs too. And if you were anything like I was, even in putting yourself first for once, you will still be overly considerate of everyone else's feelings - it's not in our nature to be demanding. But at some point you need to say enough is enough. Your feelings are valid, you have worth and you are important enough to make demands of others and to make others uncomfortable by being assertive of your own needs. If they care about you, then they will be there for you.

I really appreciate your post. Looking at it from a mum point of view is a really good point, I would absolutely want my children to come to me!

We sound very alike or rather the people pleasing version of you and I do! Thank you for taking the time to give me a kick up the ass! 😄

Hi OP, bless you, you sound like a really lovely person and getting out of there was a wize move.

I would tell her that what she did was OOO, that it is unforgivable. If she puts a middle finger up[, you'll know that she doesn't deserve you. You can then just move on.

I perceive she and her mum if what she said was true, have both got an issue - maybe some green eye going on? Or maybe you're just too nice and they aren't so cant see how you can be. Whatever their issue is, it's theirs not yours. Steer clear. The rest of your family and friends who were there know what she's like. You don't need to say anything to them.

Tell your mum.

B sounds batshit!

I've read all your posts but skimmed a bit because I really wanted to respond,. I've seen things like this grow into family feuds. This is what Cousin B wants because she thrives on drama and wants to divide and rule. She sees it as a power struggle and her behaviour to you has been awul.

I appreciate that you are trying to take the higher ground but against this kind of nonsense you really have to stand up to yourself. Keeping quiet to everyone about her behaviour just allows her to make her horrid story the most heard. This is what governments do when they've done wrong. They accuse the other side as loudly as possible and then the other side has an uphill battle. this is summed up in your comment
without feeling the need to text and ask her what I did wrong Ask her what YOU did Wrong??? You didn't do anything wrong!!

By taking the so called higher ground and keeping quiet, you are enabling her nonsense. Allowing her to get away with it completely unchallenged. Can you see why onlookers will start thinking - well she must have a point.
You do text her and you tell her that you can't understand why she thought it was OK to make such an unkind and hurtful attack- so hurtful you had to leave in public and in front of all your friends on no provocation. Why couldn't she discuss with you like an adult if she had a problem?
If I was your mum I would want to know that the paragon of virtue Cousin B was up to and I would want to support you if you are upset. Not speaking up is not protecting your mum if your Aunt - fed by Cousin B - rings up and complains about you. Tell her at once... its clearly upsetting you and she might actually have more useful advice.
Coffee with your aunt? Why. Your issue is with Cousin B. Who knows what she said to your aunt about you. She's had plenty of time. From your above quote it sounds like you will go into it apologising and trying not to hurt her. Deal with Cousin B first
Cousin B is feud making and enjoying it. Keeping quiet won't stop her from picking on you again. Such people always choose the nice, polite people to pick on as the path of least resistance. It won't stop her.
Don't count on the witnesses to come forward and defend you. She's probably busy justifying her actions to them anyway. They already seem to want to avoid her picking on them and may well take the line that they don't want to get involved in "your" fight, which then makes it your conflict with B rather than her picking on you and gets them out of the situation. B is relying on that.
The only person who can do something about this is You. You don't have to take this. So you have nothing to lose now by calling her out. Making it transparent and dragging it into the open. Seems painful but it is already a painful situation and this may in fact be the best way of ending it. Then you can disengage and family will understand why.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Its not fair on you.

*awful not awul. - sticky keyboard soz

Ask your auntie why she doesn’t like you and tell her who told you, then keep well away from your cousin as she sounds toxic.

Wow thank you so much for taking the time to write all that! I am seeing my mum this weekend and will be telling her then but making it very clear that I don't want her to get involved as I really do want to deal with this on my terms.

I honestly don't know if I have the energy for an argument with B over text. I think although she would never admit it, she may be embarrassed of her behaviour as I think had A and I done something terrible that warranted the abuse from her, she would have told her mum (my auntie) who would have been straight on the phone to me and probably my mum.

I know, I know exactly what I should be doing about her behaviour!

If you were my daughter I'd want to know if you were upset or worried about anything. I think you can ask your mum to let you speak to your aunt first, but if you don't tackle this soon , I think you would be unfair to expect your mum to say and do nothing.