WWYD? Family member spoiled our night out

[eagertoplease]

I went out at the weekend with a group of family & friends to a long anticipated/awaited event that has been rearranged numerous times over the past couple of years. In the group were cousin A and cousin B (also cousins not siblings)

We had an absolutely brilliant night until part way through the event, I came back from the bar with cousin A when cousin B turned on us. Told us both to F off, screamed and pushed cousin A asking why she hadn't gone to her surprise party held last year. Turned to me and screamed "and my mum f-ing hates you as well" and that I'm fake, I just said ok as it was so random to have this screamed at my face in the middle of a huge event, I didn't know what else to say and she then threw her entire drink all over me.

I am so upset by the whole situation, cousin B has got form for this but never directed towards me or other family members. We have always been close/arranged family nights out etc. We (cousin A, me and some friends) left early (cousin B stayed with the rest of the group) as I just didn't know how far cousin B would take it and I wasn't prepared to hang around to find out.

I know some people will read this and think you don't get a drink thrown over you for no reason but I genuinely have no idea what changed from us all having a great time/dancing together etc. to us returning from the bar. Cousin A sent messages to cousin B on the night but didn't receive much back except the middle finger emoji and neither of us have heard anything since.

Part of me wants to text cousin B but the other part of me thinks just cut her out and move on. WWYD? I am a people pleaser and a worrier and an overthinker and I feel sick every time a message comes through in case it is her. I hate that I am like that, I haven't told any other family members as I don't want it to cause drama but I also feel like I need to know what I did wrong and to speak to her mum who apparently hates me.

Sorry this is long I really needed to get it out, thank you if you got this far!

I love the use of the word “unhinged” on MN but yes this woman obviously is. Block her and wipe her out of your life, she is not worth worrying about.

As someone who doesn’t drink I have noticed that certain drinks make certain people act in a certain way.

The saying Brandy makes you Randy I have seen with a couple of women and the arguments I have seen when people drink Gin makes me wonder what the hell is in it.
Whisky and I go home because it always turns into some depressing weep fest.

Personally I would block her so you aren’t worrying about calls and I would also block her mother as well
Whilst it might well be that her mother didn’t say anything of the sort I do think drunks do tell their version of the truth when it comes to feelings and for me there would be no smoke without fire

That was my first thought as well, but some people can act like arseholes just on booze.

‘She has form for this…’

’I don't know if she is carrying on the argument or embarrassed of her behaviour, I know her well enough to know she doesn't like to admit she is wrong - who does?!’

she’s a dick. Throwing drinks over people?! She cant even discuss her apparent and sudden intense issues with you and went straight to rage monster. That’s her problem.

Doesnt like to admit she’s wrong.. regardless of it was something brought on by alcohol or some actual perceived slight you unknowingly did - she behaved in an unacceptable manner.

I’d approach your Aunt - nicely. Just explain what cousin did. Explain that you felt yours and aunts relationship was good - cousins words have worried you. Ask her is she has anything she’d like to say?

is your mum on the scene? Is she aware of any issues?

but honestly people not wanting to ‘rock
the boat’ is how people like your cousin get away with their behaviour because no one pulls them up on it.

I certainly wouldn’t reach out to your cousin and I’d make it known that she’s a relative maybe - but no longer considered a friend.

Some people turn like that when they drink! Cut her out

Do not message her. That’s people pleasing behaviour. She relies on people running around after her. Behaving like this gets her lots of attention. Give her no attention. Do not approach. You set your own boundaries. She gets no more invites and she doesn’t attending any events with you again. If she is at an event that you go to you steer clear and avoid. If she approaches you you say “I have nothing to say to you. When you want to apologise for your behaviour at the last event let me know” and walk away. She’s baiting you and drawing you into a drama. Give her nothing. Stand your ground. Speak to cousin A and decide on an approach that you both stick to.

Part of me wants to text cousin B but the other part of me thinks just cut her out and move on.

All I'm saying is, these aren't the only two options. The preferred option in my family is: don't talk to her for two or three of months, let it rest, then next time you see each other just act like nothing happened. Just act as happy and cheery as if the whole thing never happened and hopefully she will follow suit. (I realise as I'm typing this that this does nothing to disprove her claims of you being "fake" lol! It's also possibly not the "mature option, but whatevs. This always works in my family so shrug).

If you honestly don't know what you've done, and she hasn't followed it up with an explanation of your wrongdoings, then I think it's likely it was just the drink talking. If that is the case then she'll probably be embarrassed and grateful for you not bringing it up.

I don't agree with people who think you should cut a beloved family member out of your life forever just because they behaved badly once.

Honestly this is great advice. You're never too old to tell your mum - especially when relating to family! Hopefully your aunt is normal enough to ring her up and go mental... I certainly would at my children if they behaved that way to their cousins.

Aunt needs to know about this - again, regardless of age, if cousin may struggling with drugs/alcohol she should be made aware of it.

I would cut her out. So what if she is family? If a partner screamed at you and threw a drink on you, you'd break up with them so don't accept it from her just because you're related.

I had one drunken night where I made an absolute spectacle of myself, was belligerent to everyone around me and had to be taken home by my friends. I was 18 though and I haven't touched vodka since 2008, thanks to that night. Plenty of people have drank too much and embarrassed themselves but you say she has form for this, which makes me think she'll just keep doing it until she crosses the wrong person and gets a smack in the mouth (I don't condone violence, but not everyone will simply walk away from her verbal abuse).

You say she's got form for it OP, so it was only a matter of time before it was your turn.
That's the trouble with families and friendship groups overlooking people's unacceptable behaviour as long as it's not directed at them personally, one day it is, and everyone else overlooks that. Just as your family did when she stayed and you had to leave.
The only way to deal with this is zero tolerance from everyone, or she will just keep moving around upsetting one after the other of you as it takes her fancy, because she's allowed to get away with it.
I wouldn't bother with her again, and would hope that in time everyone else would feel the same.

Your cousin is a clusterfuck. You’re probably better off not bothering with her ever again but if that’s not realistic with the combo friend/cousin arrangement you’ve got going on, I’d probably text something like “So what the fuck happened last night? Care to explain?”

Don’t go in meek or apologetic.

I'm a people pleaser too, so I understand your dilemma. But you have more than enough justification to cut this bizarre person out of your life. Or just be civil if you see them at family events.
Throwing drinks is too far for me and not forgivable unless a sincere apology was made the next day and explanation given. And the middle finger emoji sent to Cousin A is just embarrassing and childish. I wouldn't have time for someone like that.

I know somebody who gets violent and aggressive for no reason when she drinks wine. No other alcohol affects her the same way. Could it be something like that?

That said, she'd be fucked off out of my life forever for behaving like that and soaking me in drink. Vile. She needs to apologise to everybody there, not just you two. As she stayed behind, has no other member of the party come forward to shed light?

If you were in complete control of her reaction (i.e. not trying to people please) without attacking her character what would you like to say to her

maybe something like

I’m hurt by your behaviour …
I’m disappointed how what was a good night turned so shit…
I’d like to know what happened ….

Personally I would send her a message saying how you feel about what she said and how she behaved towards you. Don’t do it in person because in all likelihood she will go straight on the attack to defend herself.

She might ignore it, she might downplay her behaviour, she might try to gaslight you and pretend that you are the problem, she might try to deflect or really any form of manipulation that allows her not to take responsibility for her actions but at least you will have had your say. You will have stopped your people pleasing and you will have stood up for yourself. Personally I wouldn’t stay silent because that leaves the problem inside your head going over and back. I would say what you would like to say, respectfully and if she manipulates the situation or her projects her behaviour onto you, you can know that is coming from a place of the deepest shame and you can ignore her.

Honestly, I think you’ve done well not to tell other family members. If it was me, I would have told my parents and siblings at the very least.
your cousin sounds like they’re suffering from an extreme bout of bad mental health, to react that strongly without provocation.

I would from now on be civil when our paths had to cross but I wouldn't socialise with her by choice.

I wouldn't bother texting her about her behaviour either.

I am so upset by the whole situation, cousin B has got form for this but never directed towards me or other family members

So Cousin B has kicked off screaming at other gatherings/nights out and what?

You stood back and enjoyed the spectacle?

Took bets?

Cousin B is a drunken, violent liability and you shouldn't have invited her after the first time, regardless of who she attacked.

Don't invite her again.

Can you be sure her mother has said any such thing as your cousin claims? I:m sure this is more of your cousin's drunken drivel. Somewhere in the pool of booze that is her brain, she is jealous of your relationship with her Mum or with other members of the family.

Genuinely baffled about what I could have done.

Wrong answer, right there. You're aware you're a people-pleaser, but you also need to keep in mind that there is no pleasing some people. Don't internalize her appalling behaviour. This is not about you or anything you've done. It has everything to do with her volatility and poor impulse control. It's her baggage. Drop it right back at the feet of the one who has 100% ownership of it and don't attempt to pick it up and take it on as your own. Otherwise you'll be asked if you packed it yourself and it will be burst open, scattering your worn undies around in public for all to see.

There is only one way to keep your dignity in this and that is silence. Don't get into asking B or her mum (who is probably oblivious but just in case) what it is YOU have done. Her behaviour is inexcusable, hold onto your anger and if she wants to talk to you she can start by apologising.

By all means tell your mum, as a PP suggested. But I suspect getting in contact with them would be a mistake.

families, eh?

Your post got me thinking, this is actually the first time I have ever witnessed such extreme behaviour first hand. I have seen her get involved in arguments (including at her party), she has a "reputation" for her no nonsense approach, can come across very loud and intimidating and I know of other occasions of this sort of behaviour from what she and others have told me. She has never behaved like this at a family only event/night out.

Oh god, is she one of the "I tell it like it is babez" brigade (I.e. I've given myself free rein to be a total arsehole with no repercussions). That's a red flag right there.
You say she has form so it was always going to be your turn at some point. I just couldn't be friends with someone like that. There's not one excuse for physically assaulting someone and then throwing a drink and having to be held back from assaulting them further. That's disgraceful. I highly doubt the wine made her do it if she is a bitch in real life anyway. It just emboldens people to act like they won't face any comebacks. I'm surprised she wasn't hauled out of the bar to be honest, I can't imagine the patrons were impressed. I get the feeling you will cave with any old apology (or none) just to keep the peace with your family and she will keep ruling the roost. I hope you don't!

As she's family, you can get away with being more direct. I'd be inclined to text her and say "what the hell do you think you were playing at the other night, getting abusive and throwing a drink over me? I am worried about you behaving like that but whatever the reason you owe me and everyone else an apology." I wouldn't put up with it. You say she's direct, well if she can dole it out, she can take it too.

However, silence is potentially the less inflammatory approach.

Gosh that's upsetting. It's typical though of emotional abusers to include the 'an expert I know/another group of important people agrees with me' type of remark. They might do this because they can't take responsibility for their own aggressive feelings so they always say that. A bit like the school bully who says 'nobody else likes you either' type of thing. All sounds fierce childish.
But someone threw a drink over you. That's not OK. But then again there's no arguing with batshit crazy.