WWYD? Family member spoiled our night out

[eagertoplease]

I went out at the weekend with a group of family & friends to a long anticipated/awaited event that has been rearranged numerous times over the past couple of years. In the group were cousin A and cousin B (also cousins not siblings)

We had an absolutely brilliant night until part way through the event, I came back from the bar with cousin A when cousin B turned on us. Told us both to F off, screamed and pushed cousin A asking why she hadn't gone to her surprise party held last year. Turned to me and screamed "and my mum f-ing hates you as well" and that I'm fake, I just said ok as it was so random to have this screamed at my face in the middle of a huge event, I didn't know what else to say and she then threw her entire drink all over me.

I am so upset by the whole situation, cousin B has got form for this but never directed towards me or other family members. We have always been close/arranged family nights out etc. We (cousin A, me and some friends) left early (cousin B stayed with the rest of the group) as I just didn't know how far cousin B would take it and I wasn't prepared to hang around to find out.

I know some people will read this and think you don't get a drink thrown over you for no reason but I genuinely have no idea what changed from us all having a great time/dancing together etc. to us returning from the bar. Cousin A sent messages to cousin B on the night but didn't receive much back except the middle finger emoji and neither of us have heard anything since.

Part of me wants to text cousin B but the other part of me thinks just cut her out and move on. WWYD? I am a people pleaser and a worrier and an overthinker and I feel sick every time a message comes through in case it is her. I hate that I am like that, I haven't told any other family members as I don't want it to cause drama but I also feel like I need to know what I did wrong and to speak to her mum who apparently hates me.

Sorry this is long I really needed to get it out, thank you if you got this far!

I wouldn't contact B. Leave the dust settle. However if she got in touch with me I'd say unless you are contacting me with an apology for your behaviour and throwing a drink over me, I'm not interested.

I could probably get over some words but the drink throwing would be a deal breaker for me.

I completely agree and I think maybe she has escalated whatever she thinks we did massively in her own mind and to her this will justify her behaviour. I am trying to find the mindset to be content with the knowledge that we didn’t do anything wrong, I know I would never do anything intentionally to upset her, 1 because she was my cousin and friend and 2 because I’d be too worried about this sort of reaction!

I don’t think I can get over the drink throwing, I have never been in such a confrontational situation before and there’s no way I could relax in her company again especially if alcohol was involved!

I agree @eagertoplease - the drink being thrown all over you is technically a criminal assault and battery. And people have been convicted for it and received fines / community sentences. I'm not at all saying I'd go down that route (especially after the event) but it does just show it is seriously out of order what she did. And that she should apologise at least.

I'd want to talk to her mum and see if she knows anything- particularly after the accusation slung about by your cousin.

So throwing a drink over you and chasing you off was “a great night”. She’s not even remotely sorry.

I cannot see any way back from this, OP. You have to tell your mum - how are you going to explain the awkwardness next time you see cousin B/your aunt, otherwise?

I know it will have to be mentioned at some point but I feel as though I have time to let the dust settle before I speak up. I tend to be the person to arrange the family get togethers - my mum doesn't usually come anyway as she likes to keep herself to herself (I totally get why now!) So unless I arranged something, I can avoid crossing paths with them until a major family event such as a wedding or christening etc. and I can't see there being one of those anytime soon!

But doesn’t that mean that you won’t be able to see the other people in your family either? (Cousin A, etc) Or could you arrange get togethers and exclude Cousin B and Aunt B without them either finding out or kicking off?

I think you need to tell your mum now, while it’s fresh and has just happened. If you leave it until the next event, whenever that is, she’ll just claim you’re stirring up trouble or you’ve remembered wrong. Ignoring it isn’t going to make it go away.

Yeah I could definitely still make plans with cousin A, that would still happen whether I was speaking to B or not.

I'll probably tell my mum in the next week or so, when I know I can tell her rationally and without getting upset so that hopefully she will see I have the situation in control/handled how I want it handling and not go in guns blazing on my behalf.

II would exclude her from any party or dinner you are having (forever). If a relative or friend, relation spoke to me using those words and aggression I would not go near them again. How embarrassing for all others present.

I would have noting more to do with her and block her number so she can't ring or text you. If you are connected on social media, again, block

This! Totally! Cut her off, look after yourself and try to move on.

Keep it dignified! Say politely on your family Whatsapp that you feel it would be better if you didn't see her socially again. Be the grown up.

I sympathize. My sil did something similar to me. I still to this day have no idea what I did (I clearly did something!).

When I asked her she said " I know exactly ". Honestly not a clue.

Years later we are civil but I am still non the wiser

Cousin B was absolutely pissed.

I think I’d contact the aunt to ask her if everything is ok with cousin B and explain what happened and that you’re concerned for your cousin’s well being / state of mind. If the allegation that aunt doesn’t like you etc is true she will likely defend the cousin and / or try to justify their behaviour. Then you know where you stand with both of them and can ditch them both. If she is concerned for the cousin and also seems concerned for you, then you know there’s no problem between you and your aunt. And she may then try to get to the root of the problem with your cousin.

Go NC, forever!!! People like that don’t deserve nice people like you.

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Sounds just like my dads side of the family! Hahaha although they’ve been known to slash each other’s tires and fight in the supermarket then be partying together years later like nothing happened.
really depends on the family dynamics if you’re known to have family spats and bounce back do text cousin she’ll probably be honest with you.
if the situation has really thrown off guard cut her off and move on

Honestly?

I would block her number - especially as you say it’s making you twitchy that it might be her - block her on social media and just leave it. Tell your mum what happened and say that without an apology from her, you want nothing to do with her.

Friends shouldn’t treat friends like that, family definitely shouldn’t. If that puts the cat amongst the pigeons, I’d just be ready to shrug and say you have no reason to lie, she got drunk, made a show of herself and then made a show of you by throwing a drink over you and reiterate that an apology is owed.

I wouldn’t be going to B’s mum or anyone else asking after her - you’ve said it’s not out of character you’ve just never been on the receiving end before. Plus, honestly, she doesn’t deserve your sympathy. Mental health issues, stress whatever doesn’t excuse bad behaviour, and she hasn’t reached out to apologise anyway has she?

This is childish game playing.

I am actually feeling really proud of myself for getting to this point without feeling the need to text and ask her what I did wrong - usually I overthink every situation and if I think I’ve hurt or offended someone in the slightest I worry and seek reassurance from them. I spoke to cousin A earlier who has tried to contact B but has been blocked. We think this was possibly done on the night in question as A was sending her messages to try and get some answers. A made the point that even if we had done something to offend B it can’t have been anything so bad to warrant the reaction we got because surely others in the group would have pulled us up on it too. A spoke to one of AB’s friends the morning after who again said she had no idea what triggered it and asked if I was ok and if we had heard from B. We get the feeling the friend is as confused as us but was just glad it wasn’t her on the receiving end!

Cut her out. Nasty bitch with no manners.