To expect DH to support and advise me?

[Bolognia]

I’m returning to work later this year when my youngest starts school. I’d like to do something more flexible than my previous job, which had fixed shifts and no WFH opportunities. But I have no idea what I could do.

DH is basically saying “that’s your problem”. Am I unreasonable to expect him to help me by suggesting some possible options, discussing what would suit, looking for training courses and prices, etc. At the moment I’m doing this by myself and it’s really hard because I have no advice or suggestions from anyone. It affects him because he’ll be paying for whatever training I choose and having to work around both my training and employment for the foreseeable future. I think he’s being an unsupportive dick but he thinks it’s just not his problem.

On the one hand you are an adult and it’s your decision to make and can find your own courses but YAMBU to expect him to at least discuss things with you and let you bounce suggestions about and get his view. He sounds like he’s being unsupportive but I also wonder if your asking him to sort all this out for you and he’s being a bit hard to try and make you adult up a bit?

Or is he always like this and you generally are fine making your own choices and sorting out your own stuff?

I dunno. If he actually said 'That's your problem', then that's a rude response. However, if I were in your situation, I don't really think I'd expect dh to be helping me. Not because he'd actively not want to, but because it would be something I'd want to research and decide on myself. I might well mention any ideas to him to see what he thought, but I wouldn't ask him to be involved in the process of actually looking for courses, jobs etc.

It's your work and your job. How on earth is he supposed to know what you should do if you don't have a clue? It's your job to research and generate some possibilities, then you could discuss them with him.

You're not a child, but you seem to be making the dynamic between you weirdly child-parent.

Why do you need him to look up courses etc? I'd expect him to be open to a discussion, kicking around ideas, discussing whether it was feasible financially etc...but surely the rest is on you?

Of course YABU. It’s you who wants to change jobs, retrain etc.

If he was vetoing your choices or suggesting things you didn’t like the sound of you’d be here complaining he’s controlling and won’t let you decide what’s best for you.

YABU for expecting him to suggest options and look up training courses. that’s what Google and Internet forums are for.

YANBU if he’s even refusing to discuss whatever you’ve found with you, and bounce off ideas.

Also there are LOADS of places you can get advice and suggestions from. Online forums, career coaches (even a paid one isn’t that expensive), job quizzes…

What exactly is your problem?

That was a very unhelpful and insensitive response.

I wouldn't expect him to look stuff up but certainly discuss the options and help you decide, chatting things over can be very helpfull.

I'd expect him to take an interest and discuss options with you, but not to be doing the leg work of looking things up. Is he totally dismissive or just not doing as much as you would like?

Is your husband a careers coach/ advisor?
If not then how should he advise you?

You can see someone through the National Careers Service.
However saying ' that's your problem' is dickish.

What did you do?
What level of education do you have? In what?
What tasks do you feel confident with?

What

I know it’s my decision to make. But it affects him and he’s putting it all on my shoulders and not helping at all. He thinks I should pick a job and a training course, figure out what childcare would be required and how much it would cost vs how much I’d earn. Shall I choose something that’s term time only so I’m available to look after DC? Not his problem. If I choose something that requires me to study or work during school holidays is there suitable childcare available, and where and how much? Not his problem. What if I choose something that requires me to work till 5pm, who will collect DC from school? Not his problem.

I’m expecting input like “Why don’t you train in web design? You can work from home during school hours and not take on any projects during the holidays?”. Or “What about accountancy? You can train online, there are part time jobs available locally and during the holidays we could send DC to this football club which costs £50 per day?”. But he’s just like “not my problem”. They’re his kids btw.

Is this a reverse?

Personally if hes saying not my problem just pick what you want to do and then tell him the cost and how he needs to change his work to fit around it all. If he then argues just say well you didnt want to be involved so tough.

But you expecting him to know all the ins and outs of every possible career? When you don't know yourself.

Also why cant you talk to other family and friends about it? Youve said youve got no one to talk to about it but you must have other people around you than just your DH?

I really do think expecting him to suggest actual careers or suggest what you should do is BU

Expecting him to have discussions about the logistics of childcare is not BU but it sounds like you’re wanting much more than that

He’s paying for it all without question and he’s working while you are home deciding, you can clearly think of things like web design yourself so do it. Or find an actual career advisor. You want him to think of the ideas, costs, solutions, give everything to you on a place basically.

When it comes to actual decisions like ‘I want to do this, it will cost x and the kids will be in after school club x days, what do you think’ then that’s different. But you are a grown up, you can do this bit yourself.

Hmmm. Well, you're right that it seems unreasonable of him not to at least take an interest in aspects which will affect you collectively as a family, particularly wrt childcare. Is this part of a pattern where he thinks the children are only your job? Is he maybe reluctant for you to go back to work because he knows that would mean he'd potentially need to strp up and be more involved logistically with the dc? If so, that could be what's causing his lack of interest.

You are being unbelievably unreasonable and frankly a bit pathetic too. There are thousands of occupations, is he just supposed to sit there and suggest them all alphabetically until he stumbles over one you fancy. It is for you to come up with the ideas, a shortlist, and do the research. I think it is embarrassing that you expect a man to do this for you or even hold your hand through it. What if he wasn’t in your life, would your dad or brother have to do this or would you get on with it?

I’m expecting input like “Why don’t you train in web design? You can work from home during school hours and not take on any projects during the holidays?”. Or “What about accountancy? You can train online, there are part time jobs available locally and during the holidays we could send DC to this football club which costs £50 per day?”.

But why would he know all of that when you don't know yourself?

If you're going to go back to work, that decision has to be yours. Decide what you want to do first, and then speak to him and say something like "I'm planning to start a course in exotic knitting in December, I'll be out of the house 8-2 so we can either put the kids in breakfast club, or you can see if you can change your start-time and drop them off to save us some money?"

At the moment, he's right - it's not his problem because you have no plans yet, so he has no way to help you. Your working life/career is your choice - if your working hours end up clashing, then you can both arrange to put the children in childcare - but as it stands, he can't arrange that or get involved in that when you have no idea what you'll be doing!

Now you've clarified what type of input you'd like from him I definitely think YABU.

It's one thing for you to find something that interests you, research what it would entail - school holidays, wfh, etc. Then discuss with him so he can point out things you might have forgotten. But to actually expect him to research career ideas for you on the off-chance that it might interest you is ridiculous.

You're not 16 trying to choose your A levels and expecting your parents to help. You're a grown woman with children of your own.

For what it's worth I'm in a very similar position. Unable to get back into employment in my previous career and so looking for alternatives. I've done it all myself, looked at what is possible without training, with training. Figured out what changes would be necessary for our children and what we would need to spend.
DH has had very little input other than when I've pointed out to him the impacts on the children and what our monthly expenditure will increase by, then he's had an opinion.

You are seriously U. "Daddy, tell me what job to do and exactly how to do it and what childcare to use!"

Start a thread on here with your constraints and previous work and education if you don't know where to start. Research local after-school and holiday childcare options yourself now. There is nothing stopping you from doing this and nobody else who can do it for you!

I’m expecting input like “Why don’t you train in web design? You can work from home during school hours and not take on any projects during the holidays?”. Or “What about accountancy? You can train online, there are part time jobs available locally and during the holidays we could send DC to this football club which costs £50 per day?”. But he’s just like “not my problem”. They’re his kids btw.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable, yes.

Of course the logistics will be partly his problem when you get to the stage of needing to figure everything out. But you’re not there yet.

Stop trying to solve it all at once!

1. What will you enjoy?
2. What working pattern do you want - is term-time only important to you or not?
3. What are your existing qualifications and what training is realistically available?

Figure the basics out first!

He says he can’t change his work at all to accommodate my choices. I can choose to work during school hours and pick the kids up myself. Or I can choose a full time job but then I have to figure out what I’m going to do with the kids if I can’t look after them myself. I don’t know what to pick or how much it’ll cost. I don’t know what’s suitable for fitting around the kids. Some suggestions would be appreciated.

He’s not exactly vetoing my choices but he is commenting negatively. Like when I said I could learn web design and work from home because it’s fairly quick and easy to pick up the basics, he said no it’s not that easy, you’re being naive. He’s shooting down my suggestions but not suggesting any alternatives.

Expecting him to discuss childcare arrangements is absolutely reasonable. Childcare is every bit as much his responsibility as yours, and he needs to step up.

Expecting him to suggest career options and research training courses is completely unreasonable. You're an adult and this is your responsibility. I would expect a partner to show interest, bounce ideas around etc, but ultimately it's for you to sort out.

He thinks I should pick a job and a training course, figure out what childcare would be required and how much it would cost vs how much I’d earn.

This is a really rational starting point, btw. Start at the beginning. What job do you think you’d like? * *