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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to support and advise me?

109 replies

Bolognia · 24/04/2022 09:56

I’m returning to work later this year when my youngest starts school. I’d like to do something more flexible than my previous job, which had fixed shifts and no WFH opportunities. But I have no idea what I could do.

DH is basically saying “that’s your problem”. Am I unreasonable to expect him to help me by suggesting some possible options, discussing what would suit, looking for training courses and prices, etc. At the moment I’m doing this by myself and it’s really hard because I have no advice or suggestions from anyone. It affects him because he’ll be paying for whatever training I choose and having to work around both my training and employment for the foreseeable future. I think he’s being an unsupportive dick but he thinks it’s just not his problem.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 24/04/2022 10:35

Bolognia · 24/04/2022 10:33

He says he can’t change his work at all to accommodate my choices. I can choose to work during school hours and pick the kids up myself. Or I can choose a full time job but then I have to figure out what I’m going to do with the kids if I can’t look after them myself. I don’t know what to pick or how much it’ll cost. I don’t know what’s suitable for fitting around the kids. Some suggestions would be appreciated.

He’s not exactly vetoing my choices but he is commenting negatively. Like when I said I could learn web design and work from home because it’s fairly quick and easy to pick up the basics, he said no it’s not that easy, you’re being naive. He’s shooting down my suggestions but not suggesting any alternatives.

OK, this is different.

What’s his job?
What’s he like as a husband, father and equal partner?

Unsureaboutit9 · 24/04/2022 10:36

I don’t know what to pick or how much it’ll cost. I don’t know what’s suitable for fitting around the kids. Some suggestions would be appreciated.

Why would he no? Also he is discussing it with you, just not giving you the answers or suggestions you want.

Original poster
Bolognia · 24/04/2022 10:36

What working pattern do you want - is term-time only important to you or not?
I asked him that. He said it’s not his problem.

OP posts:
Weefreetiffany · 24/04/2022 10:37

I would definitely expect DH to lend an ear and take an interest, which sounds like what you’re asking for. We’re a good team and he would take an interest as it would be affecting our life and division of responsibilities and time etc. I don’t think you’re unreasonable to expect that from a husband/partner and I’m shocked at the previous responses from posters who seem to exist as lonely ships passing their family members in the night with nothing to say to each other. That’s not how marriage works guys. Good luck with your search for a new job op. It’s a big shift to go back to work and retrain after kids and change is scary for both of you at this point. I hope you and your DP can sit down together and discuss initial ideas, a timeline and any concerns about the things you mentioned in your op.

NoSquirrels · 24/04/2022 10:37

Bolognia · 24/04/2022 10:36

What working pattern do you want - is term-time only important to you or not?
I asked him that. He said it’s not his problem.

I was asking YOU, OP.

Is term time only important TO YOU?

AlexaShutUp · 24/04/2022 10:37

Bolognia · 24/04/2022 10:33

He says he can’t change his work at all to accommodate my choices. I can choose to work during school hours and pick the kids up myself. Or I can choose a full time job but then I have to figure out what I’m going to do with the kids if I can’t look after them myself. I don’t know what to pick or how much it’ll cost. I don’t know what’s suitable for fitting around the kids. Some suggestions would be appreciated.

He’s not exactly vetoing my choices but he is commenting negatively. Like when I said I could learn web design and work from home because it’s fairly quick and easy to pick up the basics, he said no it’s not that easy, you’re being naive. He’s shooting down my suggestions but not suggesting any alternatives.

Your problem is not that he isn't suggesting career options. Your problem is that he is a sexist twat who thinks that the children are your responsibility.

In your situation, I would be considering more than just career options tbh.

Butfirstcoffees · 24/04/2022 10:37

Bolognia · 24/04/2022 10:33

He says he can’t change his work at all to accommodate my choices. I can choose to work during school hours and pick the kids up myself. Or I can choose a full time job but then I have to figure out what I’m going to do with the kids if I can’t look after them myself. I don’t know what to pick or how much it’ll cost. I don’t know what’s suitable for fitting around the kids. Some suggestions would be appreciated.

He’s not exactly vetoing my choices but he is commenting negatively. Like when I said I could learn web design and work from home because it’s fairly quick and easy to pick up the basics, he said no it’s not that easy, you’re being naive. He’s shooting down my suggestions but not suggesting any alternatives.

If you work full time the kids go in child care. Yes he should have some Input in that.

But it what you are saying makes no sense. When he does discuss it with you, you don't like his input. I agree you are being naive about web design, but i dont know your background or your strengths.

You want him to come up with ideas and know details Of how the industry works, how flexible it is, job availability, what it's like in the industry.

Before looking at child care and hours Starr with jobs you think you would like. Then research what it's like in that industry.

spotcheck · 24/04/2022 10:38

OP!!!!

A few of us have asked what you enjoy, etc
Can you answer?????

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 24/04/2022 10:39

He says he can’t change his work at all to accommodate my choices.

Not everyone can change their hours - is that true for him or is he just making excuses?

I can choose to work during school hours and pick the kids up myself. Or I can choose a full time job but then I have to figure out what I’m going to do with the kids if I can’t look after them myself.

He should be helping sort out childcare, but he can't do much when you don't know what your childcare needs are yet.

I don’t know what to pick or how much it’ll cost. I don’t know what’s suitable for fitting around the kids. Some suggestions would be appreciated.

But if you don't know, why would he know? It's your career, your life, your choice - pick what makes you happy.

He’s not exactly vetoing my choices but he is commenting negatively. Like when I said I could learn web design and work from home because it’s fairly quick and easy to pick up the basics, he said no it’s not that easy, you’re being naive. He’s shooting down my suggestions but not suggesting any alternatives.

I would stop suggesting things to him - just pick what YOU want to do and figure out a way to make it happen.

Sirzy · 24/04/2022 10:39

presumably he has supported you being a SAHM for the past 5 or more years so I think expecting him to change his work pattern now would be unreasonable especially when the route you take isn’t going to be a “follow your dreams” route.

you need to decide what you want to do and then sit down with him and look at the practicalities

Original poster
Bolognia · 24/04/2022 10:40

What’s he like as a husband, father and equal partner?
He’s out 7am to 7pm five days a week and occasionally overnight. He sees DC for an hour before bedtime on weekdays. He doesn’t care if I stay at home and don’t work at all, or work only while DC are at school, or work full time and put them in childcare which I’ve organised myself.

OP posts:
Clarinet1 · 24/04/2022 10:41

A career change for either partner has a huge knock-on effect on the whole family so I think it is reasonable to expect DH to
take some part in the decision. I also don’t think it’s unreasonable to be able to discuss options with him and the aspects that may not have occurred to you “What if....?” “There could be a problem when....?” However I don’t think it’s his job to research courses etc.
Then again I wonder if there’s a deeper issue here that he is washing his hands of the “wife work” and then, if you make a decision and start something, he will give you grief about having to do more.

PonyPatter44 · 24/04/2022 10:42

If you fancy web design, start looking into it! Are there courses at a local college, or is it something you can learn from home?

If you're really not sure what you want to do, there is a government career chooser thing. You answer a load of questions, and then it suggests some careers that you might enjoy or be suited to. It is quite accurate- when I had a go at it, it suggested I would be "quite suitable" for two of my previous jobs and "very suitable" for my current one! If I can find a link to it, I'll post it here.

girlmom21 · 24/04/2022 10:42

Like when I said I could learn web design and work from home because it’s fairly quick and easy to pick up the basics, he said no it’s not that easy, you’re being naive.

exactly - so when he gives his opinion he’s in the wrong and when he doesn’t he’s in the wrong. I can’t help but think the only way he could be right is if he says ‘oh don’t worry about going back to work’.

What does he do for work? I do think he’s being a knob about refusing to change his hours unless this is something you agreed to pre-children.

HeckyPeck · 24/04/2022 10:44

He's being an arsehole to think childcare for your joint children is only your responsibility.

He's not going to help you, so you need to work out what you'd like to do and then tell him.

I.e. I'll be doing a full time course for 1 year in X. Let's look at options for childcare.

It's not all on you to sort that just because you're a woman!

Butfirstcoffees · 24/04/2022 10:45

Bolognia · 24/04/2022 10:40

What’s he like as a husband, father and equal partner?
He’s out 7am to 7pm five days a week and occasionally overnight. He sees DC for an hour before bedtime on weekdays. He doesn’t care if I stay at home and don’t work at all, or work only while DC are at school, or work full time and put them in childcare which I’ve organised myself.

So essentially you have the freedom to do what you want.

I assume he earns very well. I do too. If dp wanted to change jobs, it's not a problem. He could literally do what he wanted. But I would expect him to have an idea.

Its really difficult to tell whether this is a case of 'whatever you want to do we will make it happen. Whatever the financial cost' or 'just do what you want little woman, but dont expect my life to change'

But either way, the groundwork needs to be done by you.

RealBecca · 24/04/2022 10:46

Yabu, he doesnt need to do the thinking of what youd like to do.

The childcare is a mutual consideration when you've chosen.

Presumably he will be paying 50% of the childcare.

BeanCounterBabe · 24/04/2022 10:46

As you are currently at home not working and he is out 12 hours a day you are the one with the time to research this surely? I would expect him to discuss childcare with you once you have made some decisions though. You are really fortunate to have this time to think about what you would like rather than having to work to make ends meet and never have had a break from it.

Butfirstcoffees · 24/04/2022 10:47

What does he do for work? I do think he’s being a knob about refusing to change his hours unless this is something you agreed to pre-children.

But not everyone can. I certainly couldn't.

AgentJohnson · 24/04/2022 10:53

I’m sorry OP but your helplessness and naivety would infuriate me. I think his comments regarding your Web designing job idea was measured. Your change in career has to come from you and where your interests lie, right now you’re expecting him to pluck ideas from thin air, career advice is a skill.

What’s stopping you from making the first steps by using Google and if you really have no idea, seek out the services of a career advisor. Once you’ve narrowed down a few ideas/ pathways, then is the time to involve him in the discussions about practicalities.

You sound overwhelmed but that’s not a good enough reason to act like a helpless child. Big girl pants on and start seeking out career advice from professionals.

oviraptor21 · 24/04/2022 10:53

It sounds like he's not prepared to make any adjustments to his life to allow you to retrain or work. If that's the case he is most definitely BU.
I wouldn't expect him to be looking up courses.
I'd expect him to give some input to childcare arrangements.
I'd expect him to be a sounding board for any discussions around your future career.

AlexaShutUp · 24/04/2022 10:54

Butfirstcoffees · 24/04/2022 10:47

What does he do for work? I do think he’s being a knob about refusing to change his hours unless this is something you agreed to pre-children.

But not everyone can. I certainly couldn't.

Not everyone can change their hours, but all parents can and should take some responsibility for childcare. Shrugging it off as the OP's problem is not OK.

Deciding on a career is the OP's responsibility. Ensuring that the kids are properly cared for is a shared responsibility.

Hont1986 · 24/04/2022 10:55

If he's working a 60 hour week and is OK with you being a SAHP, I actually don't think it's unfair for him to say that he isn't going to change his hours.

AlexaShutUp · 24/04/2022 10:55

I do agree though that it sounds like the OP needs to come up with some workable ideas first.

oviraptor21 · 24/04/2022 10:58

Sirzy · 24/04/2022 10:39

presumably he has supported you being a SAHM for the past 5 or more years so I think expecting him to change his work pattern now would be unreasonable especially when the route you take isn’t going to be a “follow your dreams” route.

you need to decide what you want to do and then sit down with him and look at the practicalities

Why would it be unreasonable?
OP can't be expected to be happy with being a SAHM for ever (as well as it not being advisable) so there has to be a bit of give and take at this point. The DH can't expect to work 7-7 every day when he has a family.

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