To expect DH to support and advise me?

[Bolognia]

I’m returning to work later this year when my youngest starts school. I’d like to do something more flexible than my previous job, which had fixed shifts and no WFH opportunities. But I have no idea what I could do.

DH is basically saying “that’s your problem”. Am I unreasonable to expect him to help me by suggesting some possible options, discussing what would suit, looking for training courses and prices, etc. At the moment I’m doing this by myself and it’s really hard because I have no advice or suggestions from anyone. It affects him because he’ll be paying for whatever training I choose and having to work around both my training and employment for the foreseeable future. I think he’s being an unsupportive dick but he thinks it’s just not his problem.

Sorry, OP, but it sounds like you’d be better off on your own. At least he’d have to give you some cash, and would have the kids for contact. What a wanker.
Yes, it’s your choice what you do, but I’d expect a partner to be open to chatting it through - and the childcare is a shared responsibility!!

But it also sounds like he's happy for you to spend money and solve these barriers to you working it's just that you have to sort it yourself
The problem isn’t the money. It’s the mental load of having to sort it myself. Find a holiday club, check the prices, book it, arrange to pick up and drop off. I can’t find any club that will take under fives? That’s my problem. Or I can’t find a club to cover all weeks of the holidays? That’s my problem. Kids are sick and can’t go? That’s my problem.

He’s not on your team at all
Seems like he only cares about himself

Ok I’ve completely changed my opinion. You should have divorced him when he gave you the option pre-kids.

you knew this time would come too, though. Surely you’ve always known he’s a massive twat?

I agree with the others. Ditch him. You’ll only be in the same position as you are now but you won’t have him setting bad examples.

I found the link for the careers thing

nationalcareers.service.gov.uk/pages/skills-assessment

Honestly, @Bolognia , its really useful, give it a try. If I were in your shoes, I would bide my time. Build up a little escape fund. Make plans. Find a job. Then when YOU'RE good and ready, end the relationship. If you can prepare yourself and get to a point mentally where you are so excited about your new life, thats when you can really go for it.

childcare is a shared responsibility!!
His only comment on childcare options is that he can’t do any of it. His only comment on the types of jobs I could do or the hours I might work is he doesn’t care as long as I can either fit it around childcare or I can find and pay for childcare.

It sounds like you have a two-fold problem here:

• You need to learn to stand on your own two feet and make decisions as a grown-up
• You have a husband who is an unsupportive arse

The reason why you chose an unsupporting arse will be connected to the reason you feel helpless in the face of making adult choices, and will probably lie with your family of birth.

I think that the issue you’ve originally posted about (which on the face of it seems to be you being very unreasonable) is actually part of a huge issue with your DH and his attitude to women, children and marriage where you are not unreasonable at all. This sort of attitude towards women with children working was prevalent even as recently as 20 odd years ago (that a mother working was perceived as some sort of a sideline/hobby/indulgence), and is thankfully quite rarely seen nowadays. You also don’t sound like you like, care about or respect one another very much so you’d probably be better off without him. But back to your original point, the path you choose in terms of career really is your decision and it’s odd that you expect him to help you with research etc. Your relationship sounds quite unbalanced in terms of him taking the lead on things and you accepting his authority (which would explain why you expect his help for something most would do on their own). Were you quite young when you met and is he much older than you?

I do think it is on you to do the work - just like it would be on him to do the work if he was changing jobs. You should be the one working out what types of jobs you might be a fit for and how those will impact your family and childcare etc if you are the only one who will have an accommodating schedule.

Is this an ongoing issue - where you dont like to make decisions or be the decisive one and decision making falls on him? His responses sound like someone who is tired of needing to make the decisions and of you depending on him to do the leg work to figure out all the details.

Look into jobs / trainign that interests you and find out all the necessary details. Choose the top three. Identify the pros and cons of each, create a document with all the details and rank them as your first, second, and third choice. Present it to him and tell him how you have ranked these three options - first, second and third choice. Ask if he has any input. If he does, consider it. If not, go with your first choice.

There's your problem...

Since you're evaluating your career now anyways, make sure ££ is a priority. You'll probably need it when you get fed up with him being so selfish.

As pp said, two different problems here, and you're conflating them.
He SHOULD join discussions about how you both will adapt once you go back to work.

He is NOT responsible for finding you a career

It affects him because he’ll be paying for whatever training I choose and having to work around both my training and employment for the foreseeable future.

I think he's being extremely supportive, to be honest. He's prepared to support you in what you decide you want to do. I think expecting him to 'advise' you is ridiculous and you need to grow up a bit. Agree with PP who said you're not 16 and asking parents for advice. You're an adult and if you can't sort out what you'd like to do, how on earth should your DH?

Were you quite young when you met and is he much older than you?
We’re the same age but he’s very successful and I’m not. I’ve already failed twice at choosing a good qualification that led to a job. I chose a degree that didn’t lead to a career, then I chose a masters that qualified me for jobs that are hard to come by in my geographic area. I’m not good at choosing, I make the wrong choices. DH on the other hand has a lot of business experience and knows what’s what but he won’t advise me.

@Bolognia he wanted a housemaid and nanny for his children. How are you as a partnership? Did you know he wouldn't change anything when you agreed to have children in order to stay married?

He sounds narcissistic and has no regard nor respect for you. I think you need to build up your self confidence and assertiveness and make a decision if staying in the marriage is working for you.

And since it was him who wanted kids in the first place, you can make him the primary caregiver and be the non resident parents if you wanted to. Or go 50:50.

Maybe you need to speak with a career coach and do some career assessments if you are having a very had time with this. Same advise Iw oudl give an unemployed man who didn't know what to do and wanted his wife to decide for him.

Go learn about yourself and figure out what you want. Doing something because he gets exasperated enough to say fine just go be a X is a recipe for disaster.

This isn't about you failing at life though, OP. People retrain, people change careers. This is about the fact that you're married to a man who appears not to give a shit about you as a person in your own right, or care about how his children are looked after (as long as he doesn't have to do it or even think about it).

It's clearly husbands you're bad at choosing, not necessarily jobs or qualifications. If you'd seen his demand that you provide children for the red flag it was and sent him packing before you got married, then you could presumably now have been doing your original choice of career in whatever geographical area was most suitable.

So he threatened to divorce her if she didn't agree to produce children; he then handed over the entire responsibility for parenting those children to the OP; and he now expects her to continue to take full responsibility for childcare and domestic tasks even when she goes back to work. And you think he sounds "very supportive"?

Christ, some people's standards are low!

So he threatened to divorce her if she didn't agree to produce children
He says it wasn’t a threat and it wasn’t nasty. Just he felt we weren’t compatible if we didn’t want the same things, so he would leave and find someone who was compatible. I can’t decide if this is reasonable or horrible.

he then handed over the entire responsibility for parenting those children to the OP
To be fair I didn’t expect that. At first it was “childcare is expensive and you don’t earn a lot and I need to prioritise my job because it provides our main income”. Which made sense. Then it was “there’s no nursery or school during the pandemic and we keep having to isolate, I can’t possibly work from home and be interrupted by kids, and my job is our main income”. which also made sense. Now it’s “you can’t possibly match my salary and it’s our main income, I’m too valuable to waste my time on childcare”. Which I don’t think is fair and I’ve had enough.

OP, it wasn't unreasonable for him to say that not having children would be a dealbreaker for him. That's absolutely fair enough in my view. However, to insist on having children but to take zero responsibility for their upbringing... that's fucking crap. He is clearly a sexist twat who thinks that your job is to reproduce and manage the home. You're allowed to have a job if you want to, just as long as it doesn't get in the way of those primary responsibilities. Ugh!

Your husband refused to pay for childcare to facilitate your working?

So much for 21st century marriage …

OP, you’re probably not considering any further qualifications but there’s a wide range of occupations on the Mature Study & Retraining board, here:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/mature_students

You may find it helpful to explore other posters experiences of returning to work / study after a period at home.

In your circumstances I would be starting divorce proceedings - and actively trying to build an independent future.

Possession of an MA in any subject means you have skills and contacts that you can put to use.

Your latest update makes me so sad - you sound as if you have had your confidence and self esteem eroded over the years (no doubt by your misogynistic, unsupportive DH), and I would look at some counselling or coaching to help you build that back up in the first instance. It’s no wonder you expect him to “advise” you, but I assure you that he will know no more about any careers that you look at than you. He is successful in his field and that’s it, he does not possess any extra ability that you don’t have to research, assess and decide. It’s also worth bearing in mind that degrees that don’t on the face of it lead to anything are perfectly valid for many big employers’ graduate schemes (eg you could have a theology degree and be considered for a graduate scheme for any of the big retailers), so looking at what you have already achieved, perhaps with the help of a careers coach, will probably be more useful to you than expecting your DH to do it.

Would the ideal job be in a school? A TA or admin. Then you can start building your confidence and career and when the children are older you will have the opportunity to move on up.

He was perfectly ok about 50/50 when we were new graduates and we earned the same amount. He changed his tune when he got a good job and repeatedly got promoted. Then his attitude became “the lowest earner has to do the childcare, because it’s a greater loss for me to give up an hours work than for you to give up an hours work”. I’ve asked him to reduce his work hours so I can work and his response is that he’ll do that when I can match his salary. Because he says it’s stupid for him to give up £40 an hour in order for me to earn £10 an hour.

Just wondering if you press him more when he says it's not his problem what he says? For example:

Op: I'm going to retrain as a maths teacher, some childcare will be required for holidays when I am going in to attend training/prepare the classroom .
H: Not my problem
Op: well as you can't change your hours, we'll need childcare and you will be helping to pay for it as it won't be on me to pay for it all.

What does he say then? I'm assuming you call him out if he is literally just repeating the same thing.

I your situation I would be doing all the research online myself and then use my husband as a sounding board and see what he thought of my options. He would happily do that much for me.

Ultimately it would be my decision, but the impact on the family would be a joint decision too.

Ask him how he plans to deal with 50/50 childcare when you get divorced, OP.