To expect DH to support and advise me?

[Bolognia]

I’m returning to work later this year when my youngest starts school. I’d like to do something more flexible than my previous job, which had fixed shifts and no WFH opportunities. But I have no idea what I could do.

DH is basically saying “that’s your problem”. Am I unreasonable to expect him to help me by suggesting some possible options, discussing what would suit, looking for training courses and prices, etc. At the moment I’m doing this by myself and it’s really hard because I have no advice or suggestions from anyone. It affects him because he’ll be paying for whatever training I choose and having to work around both my training and employment for the foreseeable future. I think he’s being an unsupportive dick but he thinks it’s just not his problem.

Of course it's unfair. Why should OP have to be a SAHP for the rest of her life?

Surely that depends on the original agreement that they had when the OP became a SAHP? Was it mutually agreed that she would sah forever or that his career would always take priority from that point onwards? He might be happy for the OP to SAH, but that doesn't give him a free pass to opt out of all other responsibilities if she doesn't actually want to SAH any more. Unless that was part of the deal from the beginning, then things need to be renegotiated because circumstances have changed.

He doesn’t care if I stay at home and don’t work at all, or work only while DC are at school, or work full time and put them in childcare which I’ve organised myself.

Well it's good that you have the freedom to do what you want, but it's not good that he seems to regard the children as entirely your responsibility. Did he actually want children, OP, or does he see them as something you wanted and he went along with?

OP can't be expected to be happy with being a SAHM for ever (as well as it not being advisable) so there has to be a bit of give and take at this point. The DH can't expect to work 7-7 every day when he has a family.

But not everyone works jobs where they can change their hours without it having a huge impact on their income.

If OP is going to be starting a new career from scratch, it's likely her income will be fairly low for a while - if he's then also expected to change or drop his hours to accommodate pick ups and drop offs, it could result in them being temporarily worse off, which may not be possible for them depending on their financial commitments.

presumably he has supported you being a SAHM for the past 5 or more years so I think expecting him to change his work pattern now would be unreasonable
Actually I think I’ve facilitated his career for long enough now. He can’t expect me to keep doing it forever.

But he’s very unhelpful. For example I considered being a maths teacher, but my concern is how would the chores get done if I have to work long hours sometimes? Not my problem says DH. And what if I have to go to into work during the school holidays, what about DC? Not my problem he says. If I did choose this route, what holiday clubs are available? Not my problem he says. Ok so should I choose something that’s term time only? Not my problem he says. Etc.

Did he actually want children, OP, or does he see them as something you wanted and he went along with?
He wanted them. I didn’t. He said he wanted a family so if I wasn’t willing to have one he’d divorce me and look for someone else. So I had them. But it appears that what he wants is a family with a SAHM in the background of his career, he doesn’t actually want to parent himself.

Given the fact that he is out at work 12 hours a day, sometimes more, I think you can not expect him to do all the research and just hand you a perfect career path on a platter. You clearly have much more disposable time than he does, especially if your youngest is approaching school age.

There is no need to try and get him to solve the childcare puzzle until you know what is required. That would just be a waste of time at this stage.

Figure out what you want to do, what you need to do in order to get there, and when you have a clear picture you talk to your DH and together you can figure out what to do with the children if there is a need for childcare. This is your decesion to make, your DH already made the decision about his career, and I bet that wasn't all mapped out by you. Basically, just get organised.

He isn’t expecting you to facilitate his career forever, he’s expecting you to decide your career for yourself. Sounds like he could be an asshole generally but you havnt really said. What did you agree to before you had kids? What’s he like on the weekends when he’s home with the kids?

Cross posted with your recent update.

Personally, alongside career planning, I would be looking at exit strategies, OP.

OP can't be expected to be happy with being a SAHM for ever
Why should OP have to be a SAHP for the rest of her life?

She isn't though? OP has already said that he is happy for her to choose whether to work or retrain or stay a SAHP, and "he’ll be paying for whatever training I choose and having to work around both my training and employment for the foreseeable future".

So if dp came to me and said 'I might be a maths teacher but u might have to go into school in the holidays' i would say 'OK, I can't change my work at short notice. Would you really have to actually go into the school? Or wfh? Do you have any suggestions'.

Do teachers often go into school during the holidays?

But i suspect you are keeping going to change your mind what the issues is. Before it was because he won't sit and suggest careers and all their ins and outs that he is meant to magically know. When people said yabu, for that you change it to 'he doesn't want to change'.

Whatever the reason, the ground work is still yours to do. You have tons of options. So work out what yoh want and stay there.

I agree with all of this. You have to start with your own skills, abilities and interests.

Your DH sounds like a knob tbh, assuming they are his children too he needs to step up and take some responsibility. Sounds like he's checked out of the relationship so I'd be looking for something that would lead to financial independence.

Personally, alongside career planning, I would be looking at exit strategies, OP.
Honestly that’s what I’m thinking! It’s up to me to pick whatever job I want and he doesn’t care what hours I do. It’s up to me to organise childcare if I can’t do it myself, and a cleaner if I can’t do that myself, and make sure my chosen job earns enough to cover it. It’s up to me to wake up at night if necessary and make sure my job can accommodate tiredness or starting late the next day. What exactly is his contribution other than money? I could leave him and still get his money from child maintenance, and I’d have less laundry and cooking to do too.

Yep!

Actually I think I’ve facilitated his career for long enough now. He can’t expect me to keep doing it forever.

did you quit work when you had children so that he could continue working long hours, or did you do it so you could both avoid childcare costs?

have you looked at what wraparound care is available?

Just get out, OP. You don't need this kind of crap in your life.

Yes, you need to get your act together and decide what you want to do, but he isn't being in the slightest bit reasonable to insist that all of the domestic stuff should remain "your problem".

I think the replies on here are harsher than they should be because of the way that you came across in your first post - needy and helpless, and expecting him to come up with all of the answers. However, I think what you're actually saying is that you want him to suggest some of these magical career options that will enable you to juggle all of the domestic responsibilities seamlessly without any inconvenience to him, because you don't think that it is quite that simple.

I think you need to get a divorce and get out.

Op have you looked at Open University courses? You could work on them during your free time.

Youve done what he wanted for along time-never should have had children though just to keep a man

id start looking at ways to leave

Wow! I meant it doesn't really sound like a great relationship anyway. And not a great foundation for having children. But you are where you are and you know now that your husband isn't going to help you choose a new career or help with organising anything around the children. Yeah, it's pretty shit that he sees the children as completely your responsibility, but you're not going to change him.

So I guess you have a few choices:

1. stay a SAHP
2. separate and he'll either have to deal with his own children 50% of the time or you'll be parenting them alone (exactly as you seem to now) with him paying maintenance
3. sort your own job/ career out. Find training that you want to do and what ever job with whatever hours suit YOU. When those questions come up where he says 'not my problem' you'll need to find a solution. Like 'Who will pick up the children from school?' - you find a childminder or after school club. 'Who will do the chores around the house? ' -you hire a cleaner, you divide tasks equally if you're both working the same hours and if he doesn't do his share, it doesn't get done.

It sounds like he's not interested in having an equal partnership which is shit- but he's the husband you chose and of you don't like him and get nothing from the relationship, then get out.

But it also sounds like he's happy for you to spend money and solve these barriers to you working it's just that you have to sort it yourself. So sort childcare when you need to, get yourself a career, and then get out of the relationship when you're in a stronger position with fj ancial independence.

From your posts it sounds like you want option 4) for your partner to see you as equal and your future work as important. For him to appreciate your need to work for your own fulfillment. For him to take an active roll in organising child care when needed and to step up with the running of the house and his involvement with the children.

But you didn't marry and have children with option number 4 which is what I think you need to accept.

At first I put YANBU from the 'suggesting some possible options, discussing what would suit' but then I changed to YABU from the thinking he should be looking into it all more (courses, prices etc.). I think the looking into it more is up to you.

did you quit work when you had children so that he could continue working long hours, or did you do it so you could both avoid childcare costs?
He said his job couldn’t accommodate any childcare or any night wakings so I would have to either do it myself or earn enough to pay someone else to do it in my place. And I didn’t earn enough to pay someone so I had to quit work and do it myself.

Wow I completely change. he sounds like an idiot!
and you should have put all this in your OP honestly.
Ask MN what you should do instead, get enough money and leave this prince among men!

Ok, so basically you exist to provide him with the children he wanted but doesn't have any intention of looking after, and to provide him with the semblance of a nice-looking family life which he doesn't really contribute to (except financially) or have any interest in facilitating. He sounds like another selfish, arrogant, probably misogynist arse, OP. Did you discuss childcare arrangements, and whether you'd work, before you had dc?