Needy Neighbour - still - again

[LoveMyPiano]

Disclosure - I have written about this situation before, and do try to keep out of it, but it keeps evolving as these things do. Note also, that I did agree to be her baby's Godmother [last minute request], but baby has now been adopted, and no more contact.

The very first time I wrote about this, I was told by some that I was over-invested and have a saviour-complex (I wish...), and as I have said above, I obviously did not succeed in creating, if not actual, at least figurative distance.

The young woman who lives next door (she in small apartments - 8 total; me in s/d house alongside) is someone I have known OF for quite a few years. I am old enough to be her mother (my own daughter is 5 years older than her); she has adoptive parents who live a little distance away (n/c with birth parents or family) but they are very very cold with her, although do help with lifts and things and (are supposed to) take care of her money (benefits are paid to them and they give hr an allowance - NOTE, I have just found out that they are not keping on top of her household bills, as agreed, as debt collectors have shown up for BG and a pre-paymet meter is going in to clear unpaid amounts).
She is relying on me very heavily and as other people cut her off, and cut her out, it is falling to me. She comes round to my friend's (where I am from about 8:45pm) apartment (he is in the same complex), usually in a distressed state over her "boyfriend" (babydaddy - he is a bit useless really) - and we are both too "nice" to turn her away ; then she justs sits or stands in the living room, going over and over the same things (she does not take advice on board, she just wants to be agreed with over this man and hear her own voice). She usually interrupts the late evening meal we might be about to eat, and does not care.

I cannot leave my house without her coming out to get me to help her with something. Or, she seems to appear when I return..... And I have been very snappish with her, but she is not deterred - and then anyway I feel terrible and cannot focus on what I was meant to be doing (which I realise is my own weakness and stupidity). I am now disproportionatey anxious over this (as, as I have tried to explain to her, her dramatics (and they CAN be - and she usually involved the Police herself....) can be on top of something else that I am trying to figure out in my own life at that time.

I cannot seem to get the balnce right - and I think I AM looking on here for someone to rant to myself (so in a way, like my neighbour....). It is just not easy to detach when there is no physical escape, and everything I think of that might help would actually result in further involevemnt, not less.
[And I do like to think that I am somewhat kind and (was) reasonably patient.]

Example, last night, we were just about tp eat - about 9:40 (very bad itself, and another issue of mine) and she appeared at the patio door (even though sheer curtains were drawn) waving her phone at me to speak to her Social Worker. She fell on the floor crying, and put her head on my knees, and was freezing cold, having been walking aroun the village (looking for the bf I think....) in her dressing gown. She didnt leave until 10:30 - and I believe she didn't settle at home even then, as her gate was open at minight (a bad sign).

For whatever advice I am seeking (and yes, I DO want to move/not easy - as this is very much a proximity issue, I don't think she respects me or my opionion or feelings at all....), please don't tell me to Get a Life, or that I am over-invested, because I do really try not to be.

But...... Heeeelp.....?
Please

I was more meaning - do bear in mind that for every post there are hundreds if not thousands of "lurkers" who either do not post or only finally join in on thread 4 or 5. Given the similarity of all the advice I don't think it's relevant whether someone quoting previous advice posted it thenselves, or not!

You are being obtuse because, as I am sure you must know, there is much more to an Eating Disorder than time of day a person might eat. As is the case with me, unfortunately.
Preparing food for my friend for that time "feeds" (pun alert) right into my poor eating patterns.

If obtuse is not the right word for what you are being , maybe there is a other one that is less polite.

No. I didn't know that.

I'm autistic. I don't really think there's any need for you to find words that are less polite.

You don't need social services to help you with the situation. You need to tell them about it and then stop engaging with the situation. Not only is it taking a toll on your wellbeing, you obviously don't have (nor should you have!) the skills to deal with the situation, as evidenced by some of the language you use and received opinions you repeat regarding suicidaility amongst other things. I think you have more insight into your own mental health needs than you'd like others to believe, for whatever reason: please, please reach out in real life to services about your own needs and, as other posters have advised, re-direct your admirable urge to help others in ways that are healthier for you and other people.

Worked for an Autism Charity for a few years, so know some of the potential diffficulties they encountered.

This in no way qualifies you to tell autistic people how to use the internet, or do anything else. The sheer arrogance!

I am trying to deal with things efficiently; i cannot just switch off this situation - mainly due to proximity.

The list is pobably mainly for me, so I don't think of, or do, one thing and then think of another the next day. But part of it is so that she can possibly self-help, if/when I - as advised - cut her off.

And actually I was not the one who allowed her to "fling herself through the door" - and she really did, it was almost Biblical. It was my friend, as that's where I was - and there is no warning of her arriving at the patio doors. She is not lightweight, and she pushed past him to get to me.

He is partly at "fault" too, as I thought that I was safe when I was there, but he didn't close the sheer curtains and - I think - lets her go and ask him for help when he is at home at weekends.

We are both very guilty of mixed messages; it has been very hard. But, as a human being, I peronally do not feel unmoved by it. That, however, does NOT mean I am not taking the great advice on board.

The question mark was because it was a question. Nothing more.

Oh God, I'm not doing that! I am NOT telling Achilles what to do (although being deliberately obtuse is unversally pointless....)
The boldened part happened by accident, I didn't see it until posted.
Some of the people I worked with WOULD have struggled due to their Autism, just as they struggled with keeping their clothes on, or resisting the urge to throw kettles - or many aspects of life; which is why THEY were in a Home and being cared for. Equally, one or two were absolute geniuses and lovely - but not ONE of them would have understood the cryptgic way people can speak on screen, or the inflection that is missing in an exchange like this. People withOUT Autism can struggle this way as well. I know I stuff up plenty of times.

The question mark was because it was a question.

You have over reacted.

OK - well it was pointless nevertheless. And goady.
But as you are autistic, that might explain it.
(PS - you brought Autism into it.)

But NO - eating at 8:30pm does NOT mean you have an Eating Disorder. It is not especially healthy though, if you go to bed at a regular time.

It was not goady.

As I have tried to clarify, I MEANT that I hope that SS can help her and thus get her off my back. I tried, and failed to word that correctly, being as I know many people think I should not even contact them at all (please note, I don't want to, and never have wanted to).

I am not clear on what you mean by "some of the language you use and received opinions you repeat regarding suicidality amonst other things"...? Can you explain that a bit more please.

Oh, I DO have an insight into my own mental health - and I know it is beyond help now.

Maybe it's you who needs to reflect on how things come across on the internet then.

You seem really bemused that people remember your old threads. But your situation is unique enough to be memorable.

I've never changed my username, and I posted a few long responses to you in the messy neighbours kitchen thread. I remember writing you a step-by-step guide of how you could distance yourself from the horse yard, and - by proxy - male friend.

I don't think that individual commenters are annoyed that you haven't followed THEIR advice personally, but more that you haven't followed ANYONES.

Further back in the thread you said that therapy would be very hard to get when it was suggested (multiple times), and a poster came back with a link and a clear how-to. Another commenter said maybe you could get involved in horses again? And that was shot down by you.

I've also noticed you seem reluctant to reveal much about your current situation, such as your job and rough age. People have suggested finding something to fill your days, but that gets ignored. I can't even really get close to pinning an age on you. Some elements of your story and your writing style suggest someone really quite elderly (70+) who has practically finished with life. But then other elements, like your own mother still being alive (as far as you know), and you - I seem to recall - having a young(ish) adult daughter, doesn't really tally with someone that age. If you said you were only late 40s, I wouldn't be that surprised.

In my previous comment on here, I asked if you had actioned some VERY specific advice from the previous messy kitchen thread (and not even advice from me personally), and you ignored my questions. And when another poster asked why you hadn't answered me? They were ignored as well.

That is a clear example of the pattern of your behaviours.

You ask for advice and get two different responses in virtually every instance:
1: Distance yourself from this woman (generally from people who perhaps haven't read the whole thread, or have not seen your previous threads)
2: Here is some very specific, actionable advice for this coming week.

Your response to comment type 1 seems to be roundly ignore it until another commenter gets a bit aggravated with you, and THEN you're all "yes it's very useful! I'll definitely do it!"
And your response to comment type 2 is to either completely blank it, or come back with a reason/excuse WHY that can't/won't. But never with any element of, "but I could do related thing tweaked to my specific situation."

And then, when commenters get frustrated with your deflections and excuses, it's all "I do want to try but woe is me, I'm so useless/pathetic and here's 5 reasons why." THAT is interesting in itself. That your response to criticism, from strangers no less, is to default to passive-aggressive negative talk about yourself. In the type of "so and so is angry at me, I'll deflect that anger by making them feel sorry for me, and I'll do that by talking out loud to myself about how crap I am, and I'll slip my shitty mother and my ED in there, that'll work."
That's ^ prime "I should get a therapist" behaviour, if not for anything else. The way you talk about, and TO, yourself, is sad to see. But you do it, because it has always worked for you.

(Sorry to quote myself) I just reread, and certainly don't want to focus just on how (thank you) nice your comment was in the midst of this - but please, why do you think I "am unresponsive".....? I am not ignoring anyone's advice - and have only just started to get snappish at slightly poinless digs at me.

I am in NO WAY looking to simply continue the situation but do need time to put into action some of the suggestions - that is not me being unresponsive, I promise.

Nobody is beyond help. You only can't be helped if you won't be helped.

I won't be too specific (sorry, annoying I know!!) because I don't want to engage in a training session and i don't know you or the other person, but, generally, there's a lot more to it than the saying that truly suicidal people don't talk about suicide. That's one example of received opinion that isn't always accurate and demonstrates again that you're not equipped to provide support. This, coupled with the comments on your experience with autistic people being presented as some kind of evidence for something, comes across as like 'you know best', but you really don't.

I do.

And I certainly am doing so today - see zingally's comment/s. Enough to give a person pause for thought.

I was previously anorexic. Years ago.

I'm autistic.

I have issues with food. Texture mostly.

I asked the question with a bloody question mark because I had never heard that eating late could be an indicator of an ED before and I was - and now am - worried that I was slipping back into an ED without knowing due to eating later than is usual.

Are you happy now?

I was wong to generalise, in either way.
I know that - sometimes- those that talk about suicide - do more than "just" talk about it. And that it is not black and white.That is my own personal experience.
I do NOT profess to think that that qualifies me for anything, other than having a point of view on the subject.
And am also aware - from themslves - that the Polie are required to attend a threat of suicide. My NDN knows this as well.

I have NO WISH at all to "provide support".

And I certainly do NOT know better than any one person, Autistic, or not, But I HAVE had a little experience, which is more than someone who has not. And I have a BIT of, shall we say, "understanding". And doesn't everyone KNOW that things can be mistaken when written on screen?

Goading is still goading though 😏

Your snide little smiley when I have just disclosed what I have tells me all I need to know about you.

That was nasty. Not goady. Not open to misinterpretation. Just nasty.

Op i will try to find your story. Your mother probably is not a good one. I didn’t mean to be hurtful by agreeing with your mother. I really hope you can find some strength to make some changes in your life. You can’t change your past but you can change your future. I hope you find right people to help you. Life can be so beautiful 💐

I hope that you aren't. It is obviously very complax - and let's face it,I am cerainly not qualified to diagnose. I can only go on what I do - which is, in addition to (starting with) being vegetarian - cut out food groups, and meals, and then more or less eating altogether. Starving all day and then eating late, is not good. Starving all day - and night (my preference) - is even worse.
And of course, there is a psychological aspect. As you know.

The reason this is part of this discussion is becuase the NDN comes round and hammers on glass doors (so we can be seen) JUST as we are eating and it may be my/will only meal of the day - and I only eat two per week anyway, so that's an extra struggle.
Note, my ED thread had a Trigger Waraning in the title, so I am not discussing this subject lightly.

I still think you question mark was extraneous. Could just have been a comment.

Your comment about me when I had disclosed what I had was uncalled for and nasty and not at all open to interpretation.

I don't know what that ramble about being vegetarian is supposed to be.

Eating 2 meals a week is unusual.