Page 4 | To think relationships cannot last without sex

Lockeddownagain · 2022-04-23T09:15:25+00:00

I was reading an article that said some relationships work without sex. I'm so interested in peoples views on this. So voting is yes it can No it's can't

ParisNoir · 23/04/2022 18:41

Blossomtoes · 23/04/2022 18:33

You also dont seem to respect that others are allowed to value sex as much as you arent bothered about it!

Of course I do, where on earth did you get that idea? 😂

You don’t seem to accept that many people nearing 70 have perfectly happy sexless marriages because the Age UK website tells you it’s not the case.

Well yes, because until you have conducted surveys and asked multiple people their views on sex I'm gonna believe Age UK over one random person on the internet who claims to speak for everyone. Funny that eh?! 😂

benevernomore · 23/04/2022 19:06

tearinghairout · 23/04/2022 18:04

Yes they can. DH has developed a medical condition that means a very limited sex life. We can still cuddle etc. I won't be divorcing him for that and I manage with BoB (battery-operated boyfriend). It's not the end of the world.

There are also people who can't have sex for medical reasons and it tears their partner apart. It doesn't really matter what the reason is - the inability have a full relationship, including sex, is very painful for people for whom sex is still an essential part of a relationship.

The fact is, in a relationship where one person cannot or does not want sex, and the other does, that other partner either stays faithful and is miserable or has an affair, which lessens the misery, but is not ideal for anyone - including the affair partner who is essentially being used.

benevernomore · 23/04/2022 19:12

QuiEstLa · 23/04/2022 18:28

I have often seen a view circulated that without sex - a relationship is exactly the same
as housemates/friendship. This is a peculiar view. One wouldn’t for instance do the following things with a friend -

spend entire evenings cuddled up, talking, laughing, head rubs and foot rubs.
raise children together sharing every task equally.
commit financially together on all matters
have regular date nights and meals out just the two of them
all of this together and more

this view - that sex is the sole and only factor distinguishing a partnership from a friendship or housemate ship - is a peculiar view that I often find floating around.

I know someone in a relationship like this and he does say that what they have is a best friendship. He is miserable as sin though, can't cope in a sexless relationship ( in his 50s) and thinks constantly about leaving her.

Libertaire · 23/04/2022 19:19

Yes, some relationships can work without sex. BUT only if that’s what BOTH partners want.

If one partner doesn’t want sex and the other does, which is the vast majority of cases, the relationship is in serious trouble and the one who doesn’t want sex can’t complain if their partner looks elsewhere or leaves.

Ionlydomassiveones · 23/04/2022 19:20

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Crikeyalmighty · 23/04/2022 19:21

It's difficult , whilst yes there are still lots of people wanting and having sex beyond late 50's ---- - many simply aren't that interested any more - particularly women and still have partners who are. It's tricky as it's really not nice having sex you really don't want , however by this stage you don't tend to want open relationships either. However do you throw away a life built together and cause potential hardships purely because you don't want sex? I don't think there is any easy answer.

Whatwouldscullydo · 23/04/2022 19:26

Unless you give both if the adults in the relationship truth serum and a lie detector there's no way to realky kmow the truth is there ?

One person may or may not he happy with it.

One may be getting sex elsewhere

One may be saying what their partner wants to hear but miserable/frustrated

One may have developed unhealthy porn/wanking habits. By unhealthy I mean it taking the place if any intimacy in the relationship at all.

I guess I've always had the a similar problem in a way in that take the sex away there's nothing there.

Perhaps I'd feel differently if the relationship had been worth saving at all

I'm.single now. Living without sex despite still wanting it. I cant imagine starting a relationship now where it was off the table completely.

But whatever males people happy. Up to them. There are probably as many combinations of what works as there are people. Be tough to say either way.

Crikeyalmighty · 23/04/2022 19:27

I've also made it clear that I would totally understand if it wasn't enough but it still wouldn't make me 'lie back and think of england' to quote the old expression and I'm not ok with an open marriage- -- im ok with the occasional BJ or HJ but I totally have gone off PIV .

dumdumduuuummmmm · 23/04/2022 19:29

@Blossomtoes May I ask how old you and your friends are? How do you know both parties in each relationship is happy with the lack of sex. Often one doesn't want it and the other is forced into celibacy

Smartiepants79 · 23/04/2022 19:34

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This is also my experience. I know of several couples who have reached a stage in life where sex is not needed to express how important they are to each other.
Both sets of my grandparents were together for the best part of 70 and 80 years respectively. They adored each other til the end. I’m fairly sure they weren’t having sex in their 90’s!!
Personally feel that any relationship that relies on sex to survive is not that great.

Blossomtoes · 23/04/2022 19:36

dumdumduuuummmmm · 23/04/2022 19:29

@Blossomtoes May I ask how old you and your friends are? How do you know both parties in each relationship is happy with the lack of sex. Often one doesn't want it and the other is forced into celibacy

We’re both late 60s and our friends are similar ages. All long marriages. I can only speak for the male half of my own relationship but he says he’s perfectly content with being tactile without getting jiggy and there are no non verbal indications that he’s lying. Obviously I don’t know about my friends’ blokes because it’s not something you discuss with other people’s husbands.

benevernomore · 23/04/2022 19:40

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If this is genuinely the preference of both of them, no. If one is miserable, yes. And if you think sex is only about 'stimulating each other's genitalia', then I am sorry your life has been spend having such unconnected and emotionless sex.

And really, all the tales of ' I know couples who are totally happy and devoted without sex.' How on earth do you know this? Have both partners confided this in you separately? Because if you have not, you have no idea how the other one feels.

The guy I know, I am sure his partner waxes lyrical to her friends about what a wonderful man he is, staying happily and devotedly with her despite her no longer being able to have sex with him. She and they must think the sun shines out of his arse. And they are, from the outside, devoted. The sort of couple who walk to the shops together to buy bread when they run out, spend loads of time together. Best mates.

But to a couple of his close friends (not mutual friends with his partner) he has confided his misery, and his constant dilemma about whether to leave her. And honestly, I think one of the things keeping him with her is he doesn't want to be exposed to their friendship group as not being the devoted, loyal partner they all think he is.

You really do have no idea what both partners in those marriages really think.

dumdumduuuummmmm · 23/04/2022 19:43

SueSaid · 23/04/2022 17:20

Agree with a pp people can stay in a sexless relationship until they meet someone they are attracted to, then they will have an affair given the opportunity. Either that or they will be masturbating whilst their dp is oblivious having gone to bed early.

Intimacy is a really important part of a healthy relationship. People telling themselves otherwise are kidding themselves, it is head in the sand mentality. Barring ill health or other serious issues obviously.

You say 'masterbating' like it's a bad thing. People in healthy relationships still masterbate

ParisNoir · 23/04/2022 19:49

If this is genuinely the preference of both of them, no. If one is miserable, yes. And if you think sex is only about 'stimulating each other's genitalia', then I am sorry your life has been spend having such unconnected and emotionless sex

This exactly. What a horrible, clinical and perfunctory way to describe an initmate and loving act. I am glad sex has not been like this for me because if this is all it was, I'd gladly do without it!

dumdumduuuummmmm · 23/04/2022 19:49

bloodywhitecat · 23/04/2022 18:30

I pretty quickly learned that the sex act was of very little importance to our relationship when DH became terminally ill, what mattered was the love and intimacy we shared.

But you knew his time was limited so you treasure every moment I think this is different from one partner going off sex and expecting the other one to accept that

dumdumduuuummmmm · 23/04/2022 19:51

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If you think sex is merely stimulating someone genitalia then it's no wonder you are not that bothered!!

SueSaid · 23/04/2022 19:53

'If this is genuinely the preference of both of them, no. If one is miserable, yes. And if you think sex is only about 'stimulating each other's genitalia', then I am sorry your life has been spend having such unconnected and emotionless sex.'

Yes it isn't surprising some are in sexless relationships if they think it's all about genitals and 'getting jiggy'. It is far, far more than that. To desire someone and have an intense connection is far more fulfilling than stroking heads whilst watching telly. I wonder if there is a direct correlation between those who have had crap sex now unsurprisingly don't fancy it anymore.

Anyway, everyone's happy not having a physical relationship until someone catches a dp's eye then I'd suggest all bets are off.

YouAreNotBatman · 23/04/2022 19:55

Of course a relationship can last without sex!
What a horrible and cold relationship it would ve if it didn’t!

I’m starting to wonder why they claim people are ”in love” if it’s only about sex.
Why would anyone make any kind of commitment to other person in that case?
How sad.

Ionlydomassiveones · 23/04/2022 19:58

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Isitsixoclockalready · 23/04/2022 20:00

As long as both people are ok with it then it's no problem. The only issue is when one party is not happy.

Blossomtoes · 23/04/2022 20:02

if they think it's all about genitals and 'getting jiggy'. It is far, far more than that. To desire someone and have an intense connection

You can have good sex without describing it in Mills and Boon language. 🤣

Isitsixoclockalready · 23/04/2022 20:03

YouAreNotBatman · 23/04/2022 19:55

Of course a relationship can last without sex!
What a horrible and cold relationship it would ve if it didn’t!

I’m starting to wonder why they claim people are ”in love” if it’s only about sex.
Why would anyone make any kind of commitment to other person in that case?
How sad.

If it's only about sex, yes but if it doesn't involve any sex and one party misses that connection then that is definitely an issue. People can be very judgey either way on this. As long as both parties are ok with it then it's not a problem but no-one should have to live without it if they don't want to, therefore imo it is valid to not continue in the relationship if it means that much to them.

dumdumduuuummmmm · 23/04/2022 20:10

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Stating that sex is about more than stimulating genitalia and good sex is also about intimacy and connection is not the same as saying 'the only connection in the relationship is the sex'. Stop being obtuse to try to invalidate someone else's statement

Blossomtoes · 23/04/2022 20:12

dumdumduuuummmmm · 23/04/2022 20:10

Stating that sex is about more than stimulating genitalia and good sex is also about intimacy and connection is not the same as saying 'the only connection in the relationship is the sex'. Stop being obtuse to try to invalidate someone else's statement

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You started it. If you don’t like it, don’t be snide.

ParisNoir · 23/04/2022 20:18

dumdumduuuummmmm · 23/04/2022 20:10

Stating that sex is about more than stimulating genitalia and good sex is also about intimacy and connection is not the same as saying 'the only connection in the relationship is the sex'. Stop being obtuse to try to invalidate someone else's statement

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Agreed.