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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think relationships cannot last without sex

138 replies

Lockeddownagain · 23/04/2022 10:15

I was reading an article that said some relationships work without sex.
I'm so interested in peoples views on this.
So voting is yes it can
No it's can't

OP posts:
SueSaid · 23/04/2022 17:43

'Why are you saying this when numerous people have just told you the opposite? There are many long marriages which have become sexless and both parties are entirely happy with it.'

Yes well I'd be interested to hear their dp's side of the story tbh. Just because people have to accept a situation does not mean they are happy with it, rather they love someone so have to put up with it. People are very naive to think otherwise. You hear so many stories of 'they left me after 30 happy years together, I had no idea'. They did have an idea they just didn't want to address it.

Blossomtoes · 23/04/2022 17:45

Gowithme · 23/04/2022 17:33

It amazes me how many people think that because a sexless relationship wouldn't work for them that it couldn't possibly work for anyone else and that those people must be really unhappy and constantly looking elsewhere.

Or doomed 🙄

I honestly can’t remember the last time we had sex. We’re celebrating our 22nd wedding anniversary next week and already planning our silver wedding. But we’re doomed apparently, doomed I tell you!

yellowgreyblue · 23/04/2022 17:46

SueSaid · 23/04/2022 17:20

Agree with a pp people can stay in a sexless relationship until they meet someone they are attracted to, then they will have an affair given the opportunity. Either that or they will be masturbating whilst their dp is oblivious having gone to bed early.

Intimacy is a really important part of a healthy relationship. People telling themselves otherwise are kidding themselves, it is head in the sand mentality. Barring ill health or other serious issues obviously.

This makes no sense.

You said it's a really important part of intimacy etc but barring ill health etc.

Which is it? It's either important or it isn't? Intimacy isn't just exclusive to healthy people.....why aren't people with conditions that make sex impossible burying their heads in the sand and should expect their spouse to have an affair....???

ParisNoir · 23/04/2022 17:47

SueSaid · 23/04/2022 17:43

'Why are you saying this when numerous people have just told you the opposite? There are many long marriages which have become sexless and both parties are entirely happy with it.'

Yes well I'd be interested to hear their dp's side of the story tbh. Just because people have to accept a situation does not mean they are happy with it, rather they love someone so have to put up with it. People are very naive to think otherwise. You hear so many stories of 'they left me after 30 happy years together, I had no idea'. They did have an idea they just didn't want to address it.

I agree with this. Also- noone really knows if anyone is truly "happy" behind closed doors. I know plenty of people who were utterly blindsided when their partner left them so if they didnt know they were unhappy how on earth would friends/acquaintances know? I also know lots of couples that put across a happy gushing front on facebook yet I know for a fact their marriage is a sham

Topseyt123 · 23/04/2022 17:54

You need to explain your voting system better.

Anyway, of course some relationships can survive, even thrive, without sex. Others don't.

GetThatHelmetOn · 23/04/2022 17:54

It depends what kind of relationship, you can best friends, close like brothers, flatmates, parenting partners, a married pair, but the only thing that makes you a couple is attraction.

Many people are happy with little sex or none at all, mumsnet is full of people claiming that. But it is very unlikely both people in a relationship are as happy with the situation as the one who doesn’t want sex.

You can fall in love, and you can fall out of love, even with the love of your life. I realised my marriage was over not when the sex dwindled down and the attraction disappeared, but when I realised that not matter how much I loved him, I didn’t care if he was having an affair.

SueSaid · 23/04/2022 17:59

'You said it's a really important part of intimacy etc but barring ill health etc.'

'Which is it? It's either important or it isn't?'

I meant unless there is a reason such as ill health, post delivery, bereavement, that type of thing. Rather than someone just choosing not to have any intimacy because they don't fancy it anymore. I mean yes fine if you think it's ok but imo men and women rarely have a good relationship living as housemates.

mycatisannoying · 23/04/2022 17:59

@Blossomtoes

Good for you if neither of you want sex. Pleased for you. But your situation isn't the norm.

tearinghairout · 23/04/2022 18:04

Yes they can. DH has developed a medical condition that means a very limited sex life. We can still cuddle etc. I won't be divorcing him for that and I manage with BoB (battery-operated boyfriend). It's not the end of the world.

Blossomtoes · 23/04/2022 18:04

mycatisannoying · 23/04/2022 17:59

@Blossomtoes

Good for you if neither of you want sex. Pleased for you. But your situation isn't the norm.

It is at our age. Very much the norm.

notanothertakeaway · 23/04/2022 18:05

Bagelsandbrie · 23/04/2022 12:18

Only younger, healthy people tend to think relationships can’t last without sex. It’s a very narrow minded view.

Agree with this, and would be interesting to know this ages of posters on this thread

In my 20's, I thought sex was vital, and the difference between partner / flatmate

Now, in my 50's, I think it's only an issue if people have different / mismatched libido. I suspect many of my friends have fairly quiet sex lives and will be find with that

ParisNoir · 23/04/2022 18:07

Blossomtoes · 23/04/2022 18:04

It is at our age. Very much the norm.

Show quote history

I dont know how old you are, but Age UK say the following: "
"As STIs in older people continue to rise Age UK calls to end the stigma about sex and intimacy in later life"

Plenty of people over 60 are still interested in sex!

Blossomtoes · 23/04/2022 18:11

Plenty of people over 60 are still interested in sex!

I’m sure they are but we’re not two of them. Nor are most of our friends unless they’re lying.

ParisNoir · 23/04/2022 18:12

Blossomtoes · 23/04/2022 18:11

Plenty of people over 60 are still interested in sex!

I’m sure they are but we’re not two of them. Nor are most of our friends unless they’re lying.

I respect that, but you said "its the norm". Actually, it isnt. From Age UK website:

"In fact, analysis of the English Longitudinal Study of Ageing (ELSA) shows that 80% of people aged 75+ agree that satisfactory sexual relations are essential to the maintenance of a long-term relationship.3. However, many people may not be getting the support from health care professionals that they need to remain sexually active as they get older.
Caroline Abrahams, Age UK's Charity Director, said: "Sex continues to be important for many of us well into old age, but for some reason the whole topic remains taboo in some circles. This is a shame and it also means that sexually active older people are at greater risk of STIs than they need to be or ought to be. Health professionals should be open about discussing sexual health with older people and certainly not immediately jump to the conclusion that sex is irrelevant once you pass a certain birthday. Public health messages around sexual health and STI prevention also need to recognise the reality that sex is a part of many people's later lives and aim to be inclusive of people of all ages."

Mumoblue · 23/04/2022 18:12

I’m becoming more and more sure that I’m at least a little asexual, personally. I still have desires, I just don’t particularly enjoy the ACT of having sex. Which is why I’m not sure.
Funnily enough, before I broke up with my ex, it was because of him that we weren’t doing anything. His antidepressants interfered with that aspect of his life.

I keep thinking I’d be happiest in a relationship where there’s no expectation of a physical relationship, or on my own.
I can’t be the only one who feels like this, so I don’t think sex is a must have.

But it definitely sinks a relationship if two people are on different pages about it.

sweetbambi · 23/04/2022 18:14

it's only an issue if the sex drive of both people is not compatible. also no sex does not mean no intimacy. both me and fiancé have a lower sex drive probably but still very affectionate and loving towards the other. we both just prefer to cuddle on the sofa all night or he will lay down on the sofa as I play with his hair while we binge watch some tv show. we are affectionate and loving but just have a lower sex drive that once every on to two months is enough

Blossomtoes · 23/04/2022 18:16

I respect that, but you said "its the norm". Actually, it isnt

You don’t respect it at all. It’s the norm among the people we know of a similar age. We’re just about the only couple who still share a bed.

ParisNoir · 23/04/2022 18:19

Blossomtoes · 23/04/2022 18:16

I respect that, but you said "its the norm". Actually, it isnt

You don’t respect it at all. It’s the norm among the people we know of a similar age. We’re just about the only couple who still share a bed.

Of course I respect your decisions- its absolutely none of my business what you choose to do or not do but you cannot make blanket statements that your situation is "the norm" amongst everyone your age. Its not- as shown by the studies. You also dont seem to respect that others are allowed to value sex as much as you arent bothered about it!

yellowgreyblue · 23/04/2022 18:20

SueSaid · 23/04/2022 17:59

'You said it's a really important part of intimacy etc but barring ill health etc.'

'Which is it? It's either important or it isn't?'

I meant unless there is a reason such as ill health, post delivery, bereavement, that type of thing. Rather than someone just choosing not to have any intimacy because they don't fancy it anymore. I mean yes fine if you think it's ok but imo men and women rarely have a good relationship living as housemates.

But that still doesn't make sense.

If due to ill health one of you can't have sex (there are many conditions which mean it's a long term thing), how is it any different? Surely the reason behind the lack of sex is irrelevant if a sexless marriage will always fail / the other will always have an affair etc.

QuiEstLa · 23/04/2022 18:28

I have often seen a view circulated that without sex - a relationship is exactly the same
as housemates/friendship. This is a peculiar view. One wouldn’t for instance do the following things with a friend -

  1. spend entire evenings cuddled up, talking, laughing, head rubs and foot rubs.
  2. raise children together sharing every task equally.
  3. commit financially together on all matters
  4. have regular date nights and meals out just the two of them
  5. all of this together and more
this view - that sex is the sole and only factor distinguishing a partnership from a friendship or housemate ship - is a peculiar view that I often find floating around.
LoveAllCakes · 23/04/2022 18:28

I went through a long phase of having no interest in sex, DP never pressured me he was delighted when I had the want back, he is very huggy and affectionate that didn't change at all.

The same thing happened with us then one day I told DH I missed us like we were before, and it’s been great since. I’ve now been diagnosed with a degenerative condition and at some point the sex will stop.

bloodywhitecat · 23/04/2022 18:30

I pretty quickly learned that the sex act was of very little importance to our relationship when DH became terminally ill, what mattered was the love and intimacy we shared.

QuiEstLa · 23/04/2022 18:32

bloodywhitecat · 23/04/2022 18:30

I pretty quickly learned that the sex act was of very little importance to our relationship when DH became terminally ill, what mattered was the love and intimacy we shared.

What beautiful words. ❤️

Blossomtoes · 23/04/2022 18:33

You also dont seem to respect that others are allowed to value sex as much as you arent bothered about it!

Of course I do, where on earth did you get that idea? 😂

You don’t seem to accept that many people nearing 70 have perfectly happy sexless marriages because the Age UK website tells you it’s not the case.

Blossomtoes · 23/04/2022 18:35

Oh @bloodywhitecat 💔