To Ban Nephew From My House?

[LaylaLovesSteven]

This could get long, sorry.
I live in my house with my two DC and my DM, who has lived with us since my Dad died a couple of years ago.
Living together has been tricky at times in terms of working out our roles / responsibilities and just learning to run along together.
One thing about mum living with us is that other relatives assume they can just drop in at any time - generally okay as most people know about manners and not overstaying their welcome, etc. Except my nephew (22)
He will constantly message of a weekend asking what I’m doing and whether he can come round - if I say I’m busy or not there, he’ll ask if he can come and see his Nan - which would be fine, except he will chat to her for ten minutes and then spend hours wandering the house, using my son’s computer and games consoles and messing up his stuff. My mum doesn’t seem to see a problem and won’t enforce any sort of boundaries, but will complain about him afterwards. Last week, we were away and my son specifically asked his Nan not to tell my nephew go into his room and use his things. Of course, nephew turns up, stays all day long, plays on games and computer - and breaks my son’s camera. I’m furious, and dreading the inevitable text from my nephew asking if he can come over this weekend. Even if I say no, I know he will just turn up - AIBU to refuse him entry if he does?

Be direct, it sounds like no one has addressed the issue and has instead continued to complain. It's important in life not to dance around the bush and be honest, or these things can escalate and drive you crazy while also giving the individual bad habits.

It would be unreasonable to ban him from the house without first discussing the issue with him directly, you have to be the one do to it if your mother won't.

The 22 year old sounds unusual, particularly the need to spend so long at your house roaming. Does he have a diagnosis of any type of social difficulty?

There is so much more to this. 22yr olds do not usually want to be so isolated. The frequency with which he wants to see you all tells me he desperately wants a connection and to feel he belongs. Probably a sense of security too.

You need to be sensitive to this. Have an adult conversation. Your door should always be open to your nephew but with respectful use of sons computer etc. He should definitely pay for the camera, no excuses.

May be support him to engage with a hobby or sport so that he has other interests rather than just coming to yours.
Please, please do not ban him, or push him away.
Your brother/sister should be involved too.

First thing I thought of too 😱

I mean, if he was looking up anything ‘dodgy’ on a computer there, it would come back on the owner, not him 🕵️

I don’t ask the above to minimise his behaviour, but if he he does have e.g. ASD, this would influence how you would approach the conversation with him. He might actually need the effect of his behaviour, and new boundaries explained quite clearly in order for him to understand what he needs to do and not do, and his effect on others.

You can't be serious. The cousin is 22 years old. He's a grown man, and he's treating his younger cousin's property like it's worthless, breaking things that he shouldn't even be touching without permission.

It makes me sick that OP's son can't leave his belongings in his own home without worrying that his cousin might go through his room and possibly even break things. That's ridiculous. He deserves better.

What an extraordinary thought process to behold.

"he's not a paedophile, so what are you moaning about?!
Is that what you mean, @ChangefortheBetter88 ?
Apologies if this questioning exacerbates your emetophobia & all that.

😵
I'm going to play demon's avocado here.
Has he ever broken DS's camera before, then fucked off sans apology or even acknowledgement?
he is a 22 year old man and should definitely know better
I wouldn’t rock the boat at first

It's not PP's boat to instruct you on OP - let alone minimise what a grown man has done to upset & disrespect your son. It's your boat, I courteously suggest you rock it. Pronto.

OP, how old is your DS? Have you spoken to him about how he would like you to approach this with your nephew? E.g. you say that you don't want to put a lock on his door, but do you know how he would feel about having one? Or it could be that he has another idea to protect his own belongings, or that he'd prefer the opportunity to talk to his cousin himself, with or without you present...?
I would, during that conversation, also mention checking his browser history during the periods your nephew has been there, as others have suggested. Hopefully it's all innocuous but if he was accessing anything that could get your DS into trouble then that raises a whole new set of issues.

No rooms other than the one his nan is in. It's not his house.
Who knows what he goes through in your room or any other bedroom?
No going upstairs for ANY REASON.
If he fails to keep that rule then he can't visit when you're out of the house. No ifs or buts and your mother needs to be absolutely firm on that score.

Talk to your son and see if he would like a lock on his door.
The roaming around the house behaviour seems unusual.
Is your nephew lonely?

We have unsavoury elements in our family.
People who have been taught no boundaries, no social skills, etc
Their parents set them up to fail, by taking the attitude if parenting as follows.

1. I will be someone to hang around with for my children.
2. I will be a parent.

Anyway, they don't come here now as they don't like our rules.
We would say to the nephew, (nephew in name only!), something along the following lines.
" Before you step over the doorstep, we have rules in our house.
If you want to come in, you have to abide by those rules.
Do you still want to come in?"
Then he would decide.
Needless to say, we only said that a couple of times as he stopped visiting.
That was a good result for me as I cannot stand him.

Different houses have different rules, and society falls down in teaching children to respect that.

Has this been a problem for quite a while now?
I remember a similar thread last year where a pushy nephew had invited himself along to a family meal out for his Grandmother's birthday? He would turn up at lunchtime every weekend and expect to be fed, watered and entertained.
It's obvious that DN has no self awareness so you have two options.
Ban him from the house unless he has a specific invitation and can be supervised, or get a lock on your DC's bedroom doors.

Good memory there @WideDyedAndLegless . I remember that thread too.
I wonder if it's the same grandson/nephew.

The issue here is communication, you need to be direct with this lad "you're welcome to pop in to see nan or visit but we would like you to just do that. DS's room is private & so are his things I'm sorry but while we like seeing you we can't allow his belongings to be used without permission".
Seriously boundaries. If he breaks them that's when you tell him he's not coming in

Have you thought about why he wants to be at your house and not his? Is something going on at home?
I have an ‘adult’ son of 22 who functions anywhere from age 10 to 30 depending on many factors. Maybe your nephew has a cognitive disability and needs some support. Your nephew is just as much a grandchild to your mum as your kids and as such he should be allowed to visit whenever but I do feel extremely sorry for your son, everything in our house gets broken and we have accepted that we lock things away that we don’t want broken if we go out xx

This!⬆️ He's an adult - tell him bluntly & stop feeling guilty - you can say no to him coming over - it's your house!!

He may be just as much a grandson as the OPs kids, but he doesn’t live there - her children do, it’s their home so why should they put up with someone who clearly has no respect for their privacy and belongings - whether or not there is a cognitive disability there ? I would also be checking his computer use, because if he’s accessing something he shouldn’t, there are serious implications for the OP.

OP doesn’t need to be sensitive to how lonely or insecure an adult man or 22 is. Since he’s her nephew it would be good if she could also accommodate whatever care needs his own parents are failing in, but OP’s need and primary concern should be for herself and her own DC.

Put a lock on your son's door

What the fuck?? Do you realise how offensive that is?

"Brat", "sociopath" and "autistic" are completely unrelated terms and one has nothing to do with the other. Also, nobody is "a bit" autistic - you're either autistic (which I am) or you're not.

Shockingly ignorant post.

I can’t help feeling really sad for your nephew. Both his parents have essentially abandoned him and it sounds like he has no friends, so must be terribly lonely. That’s not to excuse his behaviour mind you. Surely you can tell him firmly but not unkindly that he is welcome to visit anytime, but from now on he is to respect your DS’s privacy and belongings and stay out of his bloody room! Why do people find it so easy to communicate what they expect to strangers online yet so hard to do so irl with people they know very well?