To Ban Nephew From My House?

[LaylaLovesSteven]

This could get long, sorry.
I live in my house with my two DC and my DM, who has lived with us since my Dad died a couple of years ago.
Living together has been tricky at times in terms of working out our roles / responsibilities and just learning to run along together.
One thing about mum living with us is that other relatives assume they can just drop in at any time - generally okay as most people know about manners and not overstaying their welcome, etc. Except my nephew (22)
He will constantly message of a weekend asking what I’m doing and whether he can come round - if I say I’m busy or not there, he’ll ask if he can come and see his Nan - which would be fine, except he will chat to her for ten minutes and then spend hours wandering the house, using my son’s computer and games consoles and messing up his stuff. My mum doesn’t seem to see a problem and won’t enforce any sort of boundaries, but will complain about him afterwards. Last week, we were away and my son specifically asked his Nan not to tell my nephew go into his room and use his things. Of course, nephew turns up, stays all day long, plays on games and computer - and breaks my son’s camera. I’m furious, and dreading the inevitable text from my nephew asking if he can come over this weekend. Even if I say no, I know he will just turn up - AIBU to refuse him entry if he does?

Does he have a job and friends? He needs to replace the camera and you need to get your brother to parent his son as even though he’s 22 he sounds like a young child.

Of course he should be able to visit his Nan and her to have visitors in her home. But he should never go into your sons private bedroom or use his tech. Put a stop to that asap and see if he still comes over so much.

Even if I say no, I know he will just turn up - AIBU to refuse him entry if he does?

FFS - YANBU!

First up, its your gaff, & you can tell anyone the hell you like to piss off out of it.

Secondly, DN is a grown man who ought to know better. So he knows he is taking the piss - he's got ears. He's a manipulative fucker who broke his young cousin's kit & needs to take responsibility for that. No privileges until he does, I reckon.

My mum doesn’t seem to see a problem and won’t enforce any sort of boundaries, but will complain about him afterwards.
DM needs to get on-board with you OP, & pronto.
Suggest you start that process by telling her you have decided that DN is on a temporary ban & you expect her to abide by it. Your rules, your house.

Then make sure she is listening when you ring DN & read him the riot act. Along the lines of "you were asked not to invade DS's room, did so anyway, & broke his camera. You are taking the piss, & are not welcome until you apologised to DS & replaced his camera."
Leave it at that - hang up on him if he blusters or pushes back.

When he ignores that, as you suspect he will, & turns up anyway - greet him at the door with exactly the same words. Anything other than an instant apology - shut the door in his face.

With luck & a following wind, DM will feel empowered by your assertiveness & hold the line. Because his next trick will probably be to sneak round & whinge to DM when he knows you are out ...

Good luck OP. Take your power back - it's your gaff, & you have no need to allow a 22 year bellend to push your boundaries in it.

I’d put a lock on your sons room initially and see if that improves things. He might not be so keen to come over if the use of interesting games consoles etc is no longer an option!

I think the entitlement, disrespect and rudeness of abusing your hospitality is extraordinary.

You are obviously kind to him and his repayment is to violate the privacy of your son.

I would be furious on your son's behalf.

I would not be putting locks on my my bedrooms.

I would be calling him and reading him the riot act.

He needs to replace the camera.
He will NOT come to your home unless invited.
He will NEVER enter your sons room again.
If your mother has an issue with that perhaps she needs to also have things pointed out to her plainly.

This is your sons home.
His processions should be safe.

I agree with @Dancer47, this is likely to have occurred as there isn't a man in the house.

Disrespectful brat.
He needs sorting out very firmly.

Your son has every right to be very upset, as do you.

He sounds a nightmare. If he doesn't learn to charge his behaviour he'll turn into a full-time mooch.

You can ban him but unless you're prepared to impose consequences on him and your mother he's not going to stop.

PS - can you turn the WiFi off when your not in?

I agree with this, breaking things is completely unacceptable and that needs to be dealt with, however there does sound like there is something going on. This is not the usual behaviour of a 22 year old.

Nephew is a bit of a loner - Ex sister in law moved him out as her new DH doesn’t get on with my nephew and my brother lives 300 miles away.
Ouch. Poor little sod.
No excuse for ignoring his aunt's express wishes, trampling boundaries, invadiing private spaces & breaking other people's kit though.

I did feel bad for nephew for a long time, but he is extremely entitled and to feel like he can walk all around the house feels invasive - or am I just being too uptight??
Of course you feel bad for him. Sounds like shitty home-leaving process for him all round. But who can say ... maybe he was acting the entitled arse to his mother as well?
Or maybe she is a man-hungry twat who put her new bloke's comfort above her own child's, & that's why he a bit damaged & lonely.
Either way - it's not your problem to suck up to this extent & YOU ARE NOT UPTIGHT to have strong feelings about it.
Also either way - it's anything but a kindness to allow his entitlement to continue.
He's 22, he needs to start acting like it, before he gets his young adult life on the wrong track.

What’s with all the pushover posts on MN this week?

I guess he likes the idea of being around family but in reality sitting with your grandma all afternoon is not very appealing so he wanders off and does other things. In your house.

This is a very fair & probably accurate view, @User280905

Some tough love is needed. Starting with that sense of entitlement, which is doing him no favours.

Also - where is DN's dad in all this - apart from 300 miles away?

Does DN work? What's his living situation? Where are the friends every young person needs to hang out with?

Get locks for the bedrooms and use them when he is there. Have a proper word with him and say this is unacceptable and you are not tolerating it.

Seems a bit strange that a 22 yr old man spends every weekend with his Nan & mooching around your home, no offence intended at all what I mean is that when I was 22 I was out with friends/boyfriend socialising/partying/shopping etc, last thing I would have wanted to do was spend it with my Nan in my aunts house!

ok best thing to do is put a lock on your sons door give him a key and keep a key for yourself boom problem solved

this^ said it much better than I could!

That makes me angry on your behalf (and your son's). I'd suggest putting a lock on your son's door, but that doesn't stop him snooping around the rest of the house, and really, why should your son have to lock his door in his own home?! Your nephew must pay to replace or repair the camera, first off. I'd say he can't come over unless you're home, and I think I'd tell him why. He shouldn't be treating your home like his own. I'd hate someone wandering around my house like that. He's not mature enough to be trusted in that way, proven by the way that he breaks things.

- I was fully expecting to be told to suck it up!

Does he resent your family. He’s 22 and knows how to touch stuff without breaking it, he probably also knows about not walking into your sons room and messing his stuff up. It’s almost like he wants make sure his presence is felt and it’s specifically your sons things, does he have his own gaming stuff?

Not suggesting you should accept it btw I’d definable ban him from my house. can he go stay with his dad, he probably feels abandoned.

If it was only your house then you could ban him but it isn't. It's your mum's home too so you can't ban him from visiting.

As for whether his wandering round is inappropriate or not, you need to set your own boundaries. Some families do have quite a lax view of privacy and wander in and out of each other's rooms when visiting. I have family members who'd be fine with family visitors or close friends going into rooms, reading books, playing games - when the other person isn't there. That doesn't mean you need to be fine with it. But if your nephew's wider family has that approach then it explains why he thinks it's acceptable. It might also be that he had that dynamic when his gran had her own house.

I get the temptation to say he can't visit when you're not there but tbh that sucks for your mum. She probably values visitors even more when she's in on her own.

What is driving the behaviour?? That is where I would start. Is he lonely, has he no parental or sibling involvement, does he have poor mental health, is he unemployed and bored? At the end of the day he is your sons cousin and I would want to make sure he is ok before banning him. Without being alarming he is in a prime contender age for suicide.

I’d have a chat with him direct, i feel sorry for him he sounds a bit sad and lonely, and sounds like he has really shit parents who he is mirroring his selfish behaviour from

BUT , it needs to be challenged in a firm but loving way poor little mite has no one , where is he living

Your poor son, I remember being 16 and my db's girlfriend would go through my room when I was out, make up, toiletries, clothes, magazines etc were all fair game to her but neither her or my db thought it was wrong, my parents took far too long to believe me that this was happening but after a while my dear father realised what was going on and fitted a lock to my door, I'm over 50 now and I still remember my db kicking up a fuss and arguing with me about it saying his girlfriend needed access to my room incase she needed something in there!! Unfortunately he married her. Get a lock on your sons door ASAP, then try figure out why your nephew is visiting so often,it's not normal at his age.

This. Would he be coming round to see Nan if your son’s stuff wasn’t there for him to interfere with? Your poor son. Stop being so soft on your nephew.

get a lock on your ds’s door

the problem sounds a bit complicated as he’ll say he’s coming to see his nan and also that his own parents do not seem to be near/around. But a lock will immediately stop your ds’s stuff being interfered with.