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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Ban Nephew From My House?

148 replies

LaylaLovesSteven · 22/04/2022 14:51

This could get long, sorry.
I live in my house with my two DC and my DM, who has lived with us since my Dad died a couple of years ago.
Living together has been tricky at times in terms of working out our roles / responsibilities and just learning to run along together.
One thing about mum living with us is that other relatives assume they can just drop in at any time - generally okay as most people know about manners and not overstaying their welcome, etc. Except my nephew (22)
He will constantly message of a weekend asking what I’m doing and whether he can come round - if I say I’m busy or not there, he’ll ask if he can come and see his Nan - which would be fine, except he will chat to her for ten minutes and then spend hours wandering the house, using my son’s computer and games consoles and messing up his stuff. My mum doesn’t seem to see a problem and won’t enforce any sort of boundaries, but will complain about him afterwards. Last week, we were away and my son specifically asked his Nan not to tell my nephew go into his room and use his things. Of course, nephew turns up, stays all day long, plays on games and computer - and breaks my son’s camera. I’m furious, and dreading the inevitable text from my nephew asking if he can come over this weekend. Even if I say no, I know he will just turn up - AIBU to refuse him entry if he does?

OP posts:

LookItsMeAgain · 23/04/2022 09:53

Having read your other posts @LaylaLovesSteven , I'd go for the "Your house, your rules".

Also, while you're at it, you might want to consider whether having an infirm mother staying with you is the best option, if this is what is happening when you're not around.

Can you start making enquiries into getting her a place of her own? She needs her own friends and network of people and you have to help her with that. If that means finding her sheltered accommodation then that can only be a good thing, right? Building a friendship network.

It's just a suggestion, based on a comment you made earlier in your posts.

KettrickenSmiled · 23/04/2022 13:46

OP - @Onlyhuman123 & @FlowerArranger make such excellent points that I'm following up with a book you might find very helpful - www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208

You are clearly a brave, compassionate & thoughtful woman. You survived DA, escaped & managed to set up a new home for you & DC, are looking after & housing your mum, & trying to see DN's behaviours in a forgiving light.

However ... enough's enough.
Deal with DN using whatever 'script' or adaptation many PP have suggested upthread you see fit, ring to DB after doing so, to discuss it with him so you can present a sibling united front to DN, & order the Anne Dickson book!

This isn't about scolding or alienating or ganging up on DN with your brother btw. It is standing up for your own rights, protecting DS's rights & safe haven, showing DM that YOU are now the house matriarch (and yourself, as I think you need reminding! - excuse me, this is gently meant), & that she no longer needs to complain after the event of DN's invasion because you are empowering her to say NO to him whenever she wishes to.

It's also for the best for DN himself. He cannot be allowed to invade privacy, break stuff, & slope off without acknowledgement or apology. He will grow into either a very unpopular or a very abusive man if his behaviour is left unchecked - because it seems that he has far too few positive influencers in his life, & barely any role models.

custardbear · 23/04/2022 14:11

He needs firm boundaries, and to buy a new camera! Tell him straight, nicely but firmly
Good luck

Rondy · 23/04/2022 18:18

In your circumstances and with his past history I wouldn't entertain him in my house whatsoever.

Mumof3girlygirls · 23/04/2022 18:18

This shouldn't even be a question.... how you can keep putting your son through having HIS personal space and personal belongings invaded is amazing to me. Think of how you would feel having to put up with that! Then ban your pain in the butt nephew from the house if he can't keep his grubby mitts to himself.

Dorabella6 · 23/04/2022 18:19

I agree that DN is behaving like a shit, but do not think he is doing it because there isn't another man there. He is doing it because he hasn't been pulled up on it and clearly has issues either with manners or boundaries.
My DS is 15, SEN and has never had a father in his life. He would also Never behave like this in anyone's home.
People really are capable of behaving decently without the threat of someone taking them to task. It is the 21st Century. We should be slightly past territorial behaviour and alpha males.

Dorabella6 · 23/04/2022 18:27

Personally I would let the next visit go ahead, but be there to surprise DN. Sit him down and explain exactly why you are so angry with him.

Then tell him what he owes you for the broken camera and the lock that you have had to install.

Last but not least, make sure that he understands that he has really upset your son by invading his space and trashing his things and that you expect him, as an older male role model, to come round to see your son and apologise for his behaviour, like a decent person. Give him the option of bringing a replacement camera with him at that point.

If he gives you any grief then simply say that you will be calling at his flat to collect goods to the value of the damages and banning him from your home in perpetuity.

Rosscameasdoody · 23/04/2022 18:40

This is your home and you have to establish boundaries. Tell him no, he can’t just come round and has to check with you first that it’s convenient. Make it clear that he’s not welcome again until he either replaces your sons’ camera or pays for the repair, and that he is to stay out of your sons’ room. If he comes to see your mum, then as soon as he’s had a visit with her, he should go, not make a bloody nuisance of himself.

Leeds2 · 23/04/2022 18:43

I think you need to be very careful, OP, as you run the risk of alienating your DS if he sees you allowing DN to use/break his things without anything being said.
At the very least, discuss with DS about getting a lock for his room. That way, his possessions will be safe. Tell DN he will not be allowed back into your home unless and until he has paid for a replacement camera. DO not back down on that, no matter what your mum says. DN is working, so ought to be able to start weekly/monthly payments if he is unable to pay you back in one go.
After that, tell him he is allowed into your home if, and only if, he is with his nan, or otherwise invited for something like a birthday meal. The minute he starts trying to wander round the house, show him the door.
You will actually be helping him to develop into a decent young man, which he doesn't seem to be at the moment.
In any event, I suspect if you lock DS's room and access to the PlayStation is denied, his visits will most probably stop.

law050465 · 23/04/2022 18:47

He should pay for the camera before he’s let in again and put a lock on your son’s door so he can lock it when he goes out.

Murdoch1949 · 23/04/2022 18:47

You are right. However, actually keeping him out while your mum lets him in is impossible. Definitely put a lock on son's bedroom door to protect his belongings. Next time he visits, in front of your mum, establish ground rules for visits. No visits while you are out, 24 hrs warning, staying on ground floor, no sneaking into other rooms etc. Tell him, in front of her, asking for confirmation, that she has complained about him. Speak to his parents about the visits too, this is unacceptable. Do you know why he is so keen to visit, is it to get his hands on your son's belongings? Unusual for a 22 yr old to want to visit aunt/Nan's house frequently, they're usually with their mates.

Dimenw · 23/04/2022 18:55

Hi OP, it really doesn't matter if you are being oversensitive (you're not). Given your family's history, your son absolutely deserves his own safe space. Find your inner resolve that you used to get out of your abusive marriage, and use it to set boundaries with your DN. And explain to your mum what you are doing and why, but don't apologise or leave it open for discussion. Calm, loving, but firm.
And save a touch of anger if loving but firm isn't enough for DN. He's old enough to behave himself. (Tbh I think he's taking the piss)

DPotter · 23/04/2022 19:07

Difficult situation, however I wouldn't be waiting until he requests a visit.

I would be on to him to tell him how much he owes your son to replace the camera. And I would also be very clear to him that he is not to enter any bedrooms or rifle through anyone else's stuff.

And yes, although I do understand what you mean about your home being a haven for you & your children, I would be putting locks on all the bedrooms. If you put one just on your DS's room, he may well start wandering into others.

CambsAlways · 23/04/2022 19:17

I might be speaking out of turn here, but are you sure he comes round to see his Nan! I think he comes round to play with all your sons gadgets! He wouldn’t be showing his face in my house ! You need the camera paid for and the house is actually yours isn’t it! Your mum shouldn’t be allowing him to go into the room! It all sounds quite lapse to me

RenoSusan · 23/04/2022 19:23

Put a lock on son's door and ask him to lock it and keep a key only on him.

aloris · 23/04/2022 19:45

If you put a lock on your son's door then the onus is on your son to keep his room locked or else his things might get broken. If your nephew breaks something in his room, then instead of it being the nephew's fault, it somehow becomes "well why didn't you lock your room that day?" I don't think that is conducive to feeling secure in his own home. I wouldn't want to feel I had to lock my bedroom every time I left my house. You are being very nice to your mother but your son is a minor and your primary responsibility is towards him, so that he can have a home where he feels secure and respected. I think your mother's failure to respect your son's right to have his space and possessions respected in his own home, is the root problem here. If she is unwilling or unable, to say no to your nephew, or to place any limits on him, then it will be very difficult for you to protect your son's sense of having a secure home where his boundaries are respected.

I do not have a solution but your mother is an adult. Your son is a minor who is dependent on you for his basic needs. I think you know to which of them you have a greater obligation.

ChangefortheBetter88 · 23/04/2022 19:47

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ChangefortheBetter88 · 23/04/2022 19:49

It’s a fucking game console, plastic and metal! He’s not touching your child ffs. Honestly the fact you want to turn him away makes me sick!

Cosmos123 · 23/04/2022 19:54

Lock on door.
Say nothing.
He will get message and reduce or stop visits.

EmoIsntDead · 23/04/2022 19:55

@LaylaLovesSteven have you spoken to DN about the broken camera?

Rubyroseyposey · 23/04/2022 19:59

I wouldn't be putting locks on doors, he is an adult and shouldn't be doing it. He needs a very firm word. If he does it again I would tell him he's no longer welcome.

Walkingalot · 23/04/2022 20:12

You don't like the idea of a lock on your son's door but what does he think? He must be really upset about it all. It's also not entirely your DM's fault/responsibility , he is your Nephew also, not some random friend she has over. How do you know he doesn't go into your bedroom also.

endofthelinefinally · 23/04/2022 20:28

It will take you half a day to get locks on all the internal doors. Easy to do and you put the keys away securely when you are not there.

DaddyCool89 · 23/04/2022 20:33

I’m going going to play devils advocate here. Is his behaviour acceptable? 100% not. However, has he been previously told? If not then it may be a tad excessive to - what he perceives to be out of the blue - flip out at him.

it is your house, therefore you have allowed his behaviour to go on for this long. That being said he is a 22 year old man and should definitely know better.

I wouldn’t rock the boat at first. initially I would just explain to him how you want things to be moving forward.

if he doesnt comply….. then flip the fuck out!

pinkpantherpink · 23/04/2022 20:35

22 sounds lonely. Does he work or is he studying?

Talk to him about breakages and replacing etc. But I'd try and speak to him to encourage other activities.

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