To Ban Nephew From My House?

[LaylaLovesSteven]

This could get long, sorry.
I live in my house with my two DC and my DM, who has lived with us since my Dad died a couple of years ago.
Living together has been tricky at times in terms of working out our roles / responsibilities and just learning to run along together.
One thing about mum living with us is that other relatives assume they can just drop in at any time - generally okay as most people know about manners and not overstaying their welcome, etc. Except my nephew (22)
He will constantly message of a weekend asking what I’m doing and whether he can come round - if I say I’m busy or not there, he’ll ask if he can come and see his Nan - which would be fine, except he will chat to her for ten minutes and then spend hours wandering the house, using my son’s computer and games consoles and messing up his stuff. My mum doesn’t seem to see a problem and won’t enforce any sort of boundaries, but will complain about him afterwards. Last week, we were away and my son specifically asked his Nan not to tell my nephew go into his room and use his things. Of course, nephew turns up, stays all day long, plays on games and computer - and breaks my son’s camera. I’m furious, and dreading the inevitable text from my nephew asking if he can come over this weekend. Even if I say no, I know he will just turn up - AIBU to refuse him entry if he does?

Thanks again for all your responses. To clarify - nephew has a job and has his own flat, in which he has all his own tech & games. My brother has invited him to visit loads of times, but nephew won’t pin down dates or makes things really awkward by deciding he wants to go at times that aren’t suitable for my brother. He does socialise with his colleagues at times, but has never really been fussed about friends - he doesn’t like sports or have any hobbies away from gaming.
I have considered a lock on DS’s door but don’t really like the idea of that. I bought this house after I left a horrible abusive relationship and wanted it to be a haven for me and the children where we had breathing space and could just ‘be’ without the things we like and enjoy being scrutinised and messed with (as my ex used to do) That’s why I was unsure whether I was being over sensitive about our space and things.

Yet another mn problem solvable by assertive communication

He's 22 he's not some little kid get him told! He can see his Nan but it is YOUR family's home and he has no business going in your sons room EVER! And he is to replace the broken camera!

You're absolutely not being uptight

Understandable you're unsure what is and isn't "normal" given your background

I agree with pp that nephew SHOUlD Know better but yes failing that just tell him!

OP are you scared of your nephew?

I'm asking because it seems fairly obvious that, even with you wanting your DM to feel like it's as much her home as it is yours, you could still ask your DN to leave once he's finished chatting to her and is wandering around the house. It seems fairly obvious that you can tell him not to go in DS's room or play on his stuff. But you seem to have let this happen several times at least without confronting him. And that makes me wonder if you are coming on here asking a bunch of vipers what they think in order to build up some courage?

If you're scared of him then talk to your DM about the fact he can't come here anymore. Speak with the police (hopefully you still have some sort of neighbourhood officer you can arrange to have a chat with). If you have helpful neighbours then talk to them too. Then ban him from the house via email or text if you can, phone if you must but not in person. And keep the doors locked even when you're home until you feel like things have blown over.

But your son doesn’t have his own space where his things are not scrutinised and messed with, thanks to the nephew. Please, protect your son from this intrusion and violation of his space and belongings. What your nephew is doing is very, very abnormal and wrong. He has his own flat and tech, and a job! You are not responsible for making him happy by appeasing him. He has no right to help himself to your son’s space and belongings. Put a stop to this before nephew escalates this behaviour, DM throws your home open to any relative who wants a go, and your son ends up so miserable he wishes he didn’t live with you.

Bluntness is your friend when he asks about visiting : -

Hi DN. You're welcome to visit but you need to respect this is our home, not yours. It isn't okay for you to go into DS bedroom or use his things without asking. I'm really cross that camera got broken. You can visit your nan tomorrow but then you go home when you've seen her. No more hanging out in DS room.

I’m not sure why the idea of a lock on ds’s door is so unpalatable to you? It only needs to be used when your nephew is around.

If he has a job then he pays to replace the camera. And if he’s coming to see his nan, then unless she is also into gaming, that doesn’t involve him trashing your son’s stuff. You need to grow a backbone I’m afraid.

It's not fair to your son to have his personal things messed with or broken. It's disrespectful to him as a person. And, TBH, if I were him and my mother wasn't standing up for me loudly and decisively, I'd be very hurt.

If you aren't going to confront your nephew or if you think it won't do any good, then a lock it must be. I'd put a lock on my son's door so fast it'd make your head spin. Instead of thinking about how it feels to you, think about how it feels to your son. Ask him what he thinks about putting a lock on his door.

Why are you not standing up for your son's right to his personal space and to have his things left alone? Are you scared of your nephew?

You might not like the idea of locks, but ask your son! Ask your son if he would like to be able to lock his room so no one can mess with his stuff. I bet he tells you that is what he would like.

Just assert yourself next time nephew asks to come round - "You can visit your gran but you won't be able to go in DS's room as it's locked. And you owe him £££ to repair his camera, do you want to pay cash or bank transfer?" Bet he stays away.

You'd be doing your DN a favour by showing him what's actually expected of adults by other adults.

They're expected to understand boundaries and responsibilities like paying (and apologising) for things they broke belonging to other people.

He's abusing your DMs and your niceness. Don't doubt yourself for an instant - his behaviour is ridiculous and entitled.

So he has his private space but has no respect for yours or your son?

OP, you are a good woman.

Don't make a big mis-step that your son will never forget.

Sort this out ruthlessly.

You do your nephew no favours allowing him to think such appalling disrespect for the privacy of others is acceptable.

Be VERY firm.

I was wondering if he is a little jealous of his cousin having a stable home life when he didn't. Sounds a bit like he goes into regression around his grandmother. That's no excuse for his behaviour but there is probably a reason for it in light of being kicked out by his mother and little contact with his father.

I'm firmly in the "get a lock on your son's door" camp, because it sounds as though you maybe aren't great at confrontation (?) and so I'd think there may be times when your infant 22 year old nephew does get in when you're not around, and it's terribly unfair on your son to not have his ownership of, and privacy in his room respected.

I can't believe what a doormat you've been over your obnoxious nephew and your mother. This is your home, you make the rules. Tell that entitled nephew of yours to fuck off and never set foot in your home again.

And tell him to pay for the camera. What a twerp.

He’s 22 what is he doing coming over anyway, doesn’t he study/have a job/girlfriend/his own Xbox?

No this is YOUR house that you’ve allowed your mother to live in for compassionate reasons. It is not his Nan’s house that he can loiter in. Put your foot down before he is 25 and still lazing about.

Your son needs a lock on his door so it CAN be his haven. I bet he feels so vulnerable right now having no idea what he’ll find when he returns. The current situation is the total opposite of what you want. Put a lock on and he can have the relief of returning to his untouched belongings. No one is suggesting he be locked in!

He texts and asks to come round, you text back, "you're going to need to pay for x's camera before we discuss another visit". And done.

No 'sorry' no 'please' no 'if' no 'but'. Firm and clear.

Ban the CFer.

If he says 'oh but I want to see my Nan' then 'Ok, I'll drop her round yours for cake and a cuppa on Saturday afternoon...'.

No need for him to be helping himself to your sons stuff or wandering around anywhere but livingroom/kitchen/bathroom.

I do think you need a flat out ban until your sons stuff is repaired or replaced though, if you let this go he WILL carry on, and as others have pointed out, its not then a safe haven for your son, if his space is invade and his stuff used/broken, is it?

OP he is obviously not coming to see his nan, he is abusing your home and your hospitality. So you say is has free reign to use all your son's personal belongings and space, invading his privacy and breaking his property. He is coming over and using all your gas and electric for free, presumably he also has free reign to all the food and drink he wants from the kitchen. He's also a gamer, so presumably he is using your son's computer/consoles and games yourself/son buys and pays for so he does not need to buy his own.
He sounds like a leach and is totally abusing you and your willingness to accept it is enabling him. He is not your son he is a grown ass man taking advantage of you.

How long before he starts borrowing items from the house and you never see them again, most cases like this end up with things going missing and people don't realise for months until it's to late.
Put your foot down now, you got rid of one abusive man in your life for another, worse still a family member taking advantage of your position. Tell h under no uncertain terms he visits your mother only, then leaves or will ban him, put a nanny cam in your son's room if you refuse a lock and see what the hell he is up to,, essentially he is an invited guest in those parts of your home.

This is very dominant behaviour and I'm not surprised that after an abusive relationship you are unsure whether you are being unreasonable.

I hope you can see from the responses that you're not.

I wouldn't like a lock on my child's door but I do think you should ask DS if he would. At the very least it would be a sign to him that you're taking this seriously. I'd then write a message to DN using one of the examples already posted here. You're treating him like you treat anybody else, but he's not behaving like anybody else, so you must do something different, because his behaviour will escalate. He has to have known he broke the camera..but he didn't leave a note, an apology, sms you about it, show any remorse at all.

If he turns up when you're out and DM lets him in, at least DS's room is locked as a back up. You've actually got no other way of protecting it when you're not there btw as your DM isn't going to tell him No.

DN has had a hard time. Even if some of it was self-induced. That doesn't mean you have to put up with his behaviour. And I do wonder if you feel a bit of obligation and guilt? Not that you should.

Btw is it only DS's room he's going in? It sounds highly unlikely to me, especially if he knows you're away, DGM has mobility issues and he's using your home as his entertainment. And also check DS's browser i history on the day(s) he's been over (you can often see it by day) - but tell DS you're going to first.

You really do need to be firm with him. Remember the Mumsnet adage: No is a complete sentence."

From your comments OP it's clear you're worried about rocking the boat and are a people pleaser. Nothing wrong with that but you do need to be more assertive, especially for your DS. Assertiveness doesnt need to be aggressive, you just need to consider your and your DS's needs when communicating with your shit of nephew. As other posters have suggested a simple reply to any future texting about him visiting needs to be answered with "Hi...sorry but no. You've abused my trust by invading mine and DS personal space, used his gaming tech when told not to and have now broken his camera. Until you learn to accept the boundaries that I have set down in MY house and also pay for repairing DS's camera, you are not welcome. I can always bring Nan to your place for coffee and cake when you want to see her... you cheeky fucker. "
I'd also be phoning my brother to have a word with him too. It's not fair that you're caring for your mum on your own and have to deal with his son too!! Good luck and let us know how things go.

I bought this house after I left a horrible abusive relationship and wanted it to be a haven for me and the children where we had breathing space and could just ‘be’ without the things we like and enjoy being scrutinised and messed with (as my ex used to do) That’s why I was unsure whether I was being over sensitive about our space and things.

Clearly you are conflict avoidant and used to complying with male authority. Can you teach yourself to assert yourself and insist that people respect your boundaries.

I like the approach suggested by @Onlyhuman123above.

Hmm. I’m not seeing anything in your posts that says that you’ve articulated how you expect him to behave or that you’ve told him yourself not to go in to your son’s room. It’s your house and your son’s possessions and you are one of the interested adults here. It seems as though you’re hiding behind your mum and expecting him to behave like an adult without you having to give anyone a steer yourself.. You need to be a bit more assertive.

Also some of these assumptions that he’s a terrible entitled person with bad intentions are a bit much. He might just want to be around family but not want to sit in your lounge all day. If he can’t use your son’s room or hang around all day fine, but just talk to him about your boundaries!
(Speak to the police? ffs 🤦🏻‍♀️)

This 👆
100% this
And if things kick off, then you tell your mother that she has to replace the camera as she didn't think there was anything wrong with letting an adult wander your house and use your belongings.

I'll go back and read the rest of the thread now.