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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Ban Nephew From My House?

148 replies

LaylaLovesSteven · 22/04/2022 14:51

This could get long, sorry.
I live in my house with my two DC and my DM, who has lived with us since my Dad died a couple of years ago.
Living together has been tricky at times in terms of working out our roles / responsibilities and just learning to run along together.
One thing about mum living with us is that other relatives assume they can just drop in at any time - generally okay as most people know about manners and not overstaying their welcome, etc. Except my nephew (22)
He will constantly message of a weekend asking what I’m doing and whether he can come round - if I say I’m busy or not there, he’ll ask if he can come and see his Nan - which would be fine, except he will chat to her for ten minutes and then spend hours wandering the house, using my son’s computer and games consoles and messing up his stuff. My mum doesn’t seem to see a problem and won’t enforce any sort of boundaries, but will complain about him afterwards. Last week, we were away and my son specifically asked his Nan not to tell my nephew go into his room and use his things. Of course, nephew turns up, stays all day long, plays on games and computer - and breaks my son’s camera. I’m furious, and dreading the inevitable text from my nephew asking if he can come over this weekend. Even if I say no, I know he will just turn up - AIBU to refuse him entry if he does?

OP posts:
Ohmybod · 22/04/2022 17:18

Tell him he can’t come over until he has replaced the camera and explain how upset your DC is about it. Or ask your mum if she’s prepared to pay up as it happened on her watch (and after all she is testing him like he is a bloody child).

In the meantime get a lock for DSs door.

2bazookas · 22/04/2022 17:24

I'd give DM and DN a bill for the replacement of the camera. I'd also lock DS's room and tell DM and DN he is no longer welcome in YOUR home. If he wants to see his Nan he can take her out, or invite her to his place.

Seafog · 22/04/2022 17:24

Does the nephew have additional needs, where he wouldn't understand not to touch?
Otherwise, he should pay for the camera, apologize, and stick to visiting Nan

Sally872 · 22/04/2022 17:25

Yanbu. As a mum I would set boundaries around wandering about house and going in sons room. Definitely tell him it is not acceptable. As an aunt I would wonder why he wants to he here so often rather than at home or with friends and try to support him to find other things to do. Not at the expense of son though.

TrashyPanda · 22/04/2022 17:39

Read him the riot act!

Tell him to come over to apologise to your son and pay for the damage.

and while he is there, tell him is expressly forbidden to go into your sons room for any reason at all.

he has no business being in there at all.

Peakypolly · 22/04/2022 17:43

If the house is jointly owned by you and your DM then surely she can have whoever she wants to visit? I don't understand why you are involved in the arrangement at all unless your DM is not mentally competent.
Equally, when he visits, of course he should not enter private spaces. What is wrong with him not to understand the rules of visiting someone else's home?
Your DM should reiterate the (normal) house rules and ensure he is always around her, unless he is making her a coffee or similar, since that is why he visiting your house in the first place.

Original poster
LaylaLovesSteven · 22/04/2022 17:48

Thanks all for your replies so far - I was fully expecting to be told to suck it up!
Mum has mobility issues, so it’s difficult for her to get out and about - she let herself become completely dependant on my dad and doesn’t have any friends locally, so I think she constantly people pleases as a way of ensuring she has visitors.
Nephew is a bit of a loner - Ex sister in law moved him out as her new DH doesn’t get on with my nephew and my brother lives 300 miles away. I did feel bad for nephew for a long time, but he is extremely entitled and to feel like he can walk all around the house feels invasive - or am I just being too uptight??

OP posts:
Original poster
LaylaLovesSteven · 22/04/2022 17:51

@Peakypolly house is solely in my name, but I do try not to let it feel that way to DM - it is her home, but I guess the difference in boundary setting is one of the things we clash on…

OP posts:
safetyfreak · 22/04/2022 17:52

Strange behaviour from a 22 year old man.

AchillesPoirot · 22/04/2022 17:53

I hope you've asked him to replace or fix the camera?

Xiaoxiong · 22/04/2022 17:55

No! Even if it was her actual house it would be intrusive of him to wander around into bedrooms. You're not being uptight.

DNephew sounds like one of those people who, when called out on socially unacceptable behaviour, says they would have stopped immediately if anyone told them to. When they shouldn't have needed telling in the first place.

user1471538283 · 22/04/2022 17:56

He is not coming around to see his DGM. He is coming around to use your DSs stuff and lurk. Whilst it is a shame he hasnt got his own family or friends your home is your DSs.

I would tell your nephew straight that he is never to go into anyones room again or he stays away.

Cuddlemuffin · 22/04/2022 18:02

I think it's quite odd behaviour for a 22 yo tbh. Before enforcing any rules (which definitely does need to be done) CCould you ask him why he is spending so much time at your house? What is his living situation like that he wants to be there and not at home? Doesn't he want to spend his weekend with friends? I would hear what's going on for him first in case there is anything to be concerned about. Then set the boundaries, if you do it the other way round he may feel rejected which could fine but also might be the last thing he needs right now.... really depends on what's going on for him in this situation too x

IncompleteSenten · 22/04/2022 18:03

I wonder what would happen if you said yes, come round and see her but you won't be able to use any of ds's stuff because we've put a lock on his bedroom door. Oh, and you'll need to bring £x with you to replace the camera you broke.

My suspicion is that if he thinks he won't be able to play with your son's stuff - he'll not be bothered about visiting his gran.

Lollypop701 · 22/04/2022 18:05

I would tell him as he can’t respect boundaries he is not welcome unless you are in the house. He is allowed downstairs and not in anyones bedroom. He is not to touch anyones personal belongings . Visits are maximum if one hour with his DGM. If he doesn’t like the rules he doesn’t have to visit

SlashBeef · 22/04/2022 18:06

He needs to get a life!

lessthanathirdofanacre · 22/04/2022 18:13

I don't think it would be right to ban him from the house if your mother invites him. It is her home too and she should be able to have guests, no matter who paid for the house. However, you would be well within your rights to tell your nephew that he is not to enter your son's bedroom or use his belongings. And he should certainly replace the camera he broke.

lessthanathirdofanacre · 22/04/2022 18:15

Posted too soon. To add to my previous post: sadly, it seems unlikely that your nephew will visit his grandmother without the enticements of games consoles. But at least your belongings will be safe.

Crazykatie · 22/04/2022 18:18

He is behaving like a child, has he actually got a much younger learning age, it very unusual for a 22yr old

User280905 · 22/04/2022 18:20

22 is still quite young, maybe he just feels the need to hang out with the family he has left, if his dad moved away and his mum moved on.

But it's not okay for him to ignore your boundaries, it's not okay for him to use and damage your son's things when you've told him not to.

I think I would tell him he can come round for a couple of hours for lunch or dinner, basically one meal a aeekend, then he has to leave.

I guess he likes the idea of being around family but in reality sitting with your grandma all afternoon is not very appealing so he wanders off and does other things. In your house.

I want to tell you to be kind and welcoming to him but I would be really pissed off with him hanging around, touching my stuff and breaking my rules too.

Dancer47 · 22/04/2022 18:21

You live in your house with two children and your mother - no Dad around - that's why this 22 year old brat thinks he can get away with treating your space like he can do what he wants there - he wouldn't dare if there was another man in the house.

I would tell him straight up he is not welcome in your home unless to collect or return his grandmother - they can meet elsewhere.
Also, i wouldn't put extra locks on doors - that's ridiculous - tackle him head on. He sounds like a spoilt, opportunist shit.

tolerable · 22/04/2022 18:24

your home,your son,your nephew.
be the bad guy. say-bin get on my nerves for ages,you cant do...sons room/gamey crap.take nan out.

MeridianB · 22/04/2022 18:26

Where does nephew live?

You are definitely not being too uptight! This needs gripping. His behaviour is outrageous.

I agree with PP who recommends a chat with your mum, too. Although if she has limited mobility I’m guessing it’s hard to enforce certain things (ie turfing him out of your son’s room).

I don’t think I’d want the nephew in my home when I’m not there. At least until his behaviour changes and he’s replaced the camera and apologised.

Throckmorton · 22/04/2022 18:29

I think I'd also be checking the internet history of the computer - I mean why isn't he using his own, what's he accessing on your son's machine...

fruitbrewhaha · 22/04/2022 18:31

This is so weird. It's very rude to wonder around someone's house uninvited and poke around in bedrooms etc. Just tell him. You are welcome to come around for a cup of tea with your nan but then you have to leave. And you owe me £x for a new camera.