Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Help, what to do about health visitor?

123 replies

SparkleSpangle · 21/04/2022 21:09

Ok this ended up pretty long so TLDR at the end.

Last year I had a DV incident with DH. He punched me, I kicked him out and reported it to the police. (DH has since returned and we are good)
Because I reported it both social services and the HV were informed. Police and social services both were happy with my situation and asked to speak to DH, I said no I dont want him to know I had reported it. They said fine and left contact numbers in case I needed anything, cases closed.

The HV rang both the home phone and DH mobile and left messages saying she needs to speak to me about the recent incident and has some forms for me to fill in. She also text me and asked me to ring her. I rang her back and she said she had been trying to get hold of me, could I meet her. I was away and said yes we can arrange a time when i'm back home. She said fine I will need to ring DH back and let him know.
I freaked out and said absolutely not I do not want him to know this has been reported. She said because he rang them (he was responding to the answerphone message) their policy was they had to respond unless I was in danger. I asked why he rang them and she said I don't know maybe he can see what is on your phone or redirected the house phone calls (really weird stuff). She has obviously rung him instead of me and is trying to get out of it. Then she starts telling me I am in danger and that is why I dont want her to ring. I told her DH has just got on meds for his mental health and started AA and I don't want anything to disrupt that I am not in danger. She was really insistent that I was in danger and that is why I wouldn't let her phone. Eventually she spoke to her manager and agreed not to ring him.

Day of the meeting DS is really sick no way I can go, I ring up and say call me to reschedule in a week. Never heard anything else.

So now it is 6 months later and I have got the appointment for DS 2.5 year review and I has completely thrown me. I feel really panicky and don't know what to do.

I can just cancel the appointment but there are some thing I would like to discuss. I will not see her, I will see someone else, I don't even want her to be in the building when I am there. I have to ring and speak to someone and I don't know what to say. Do I say what happened? will they be cross I didn't report it 6 months ago. Should I have made sure I filled in the forms? Will I be in trouble for that?

Sorry I am spiraling a bit, I need advice please.

TLDR: HV fucked up and now I don't want to see her but I want an appt with the HV service. What do I do.

OP posts:

AngelaRayner4PM · 21/04/2022 21:13

I don't think this is an issue to do with the health visiting team. You have a DP problem

Original poster

SparkleSpangle · 21/04/2022 21:13

Just re read that. I am scheduled to meet with her. I won't go if it is her.

OP posts:

AngelaRayner4PM · 21/04/2022 21:14

Why not though? Sounds like she was passed on information badly eg. Given both your numbers to get hold of you. IME that's usually because social services or someone else has messed up when referring to them. The health visitor is as much a stranger as anyone Else on that team if you've met none of them.

Original poster

SparkleSpangle · 21/04/2022 21:15

@AngelaRayner4PM Nope. He fucked up, he did the things he needed to to sort it out. He has been on his meds and going to AA every week. He messed up but we agreed a solution and he has stuck to the agreement ever since. We are very proud of him.

Good use of a stock MN response though.

OP posts:

FriendofDorothy · 21/04/2022 21:15

I am a bit confused... will they be cross that you didn't report what 6 months ago?

AngelaRayner4PM · 21/04/2022 21:17

Are you scared your DP will hurt you if you find out you've reported him? Are you scared the health visitor will report you? This sounds like a highly stressful situation and it does not sound like your DP is a good safe person. Are you sure he has really changed? What support have you had as a domestic violence victim? Have you done the freedom program? Does he know you reported him to the police?

I think the health visiting team may still have concerns due to the domestic violence issue. Are you still open to social services?

cansu · 21/04/2022 21:17

Tbh you may as well put a big red flag outside your house. If you don't want to escalate their interest you need to start responding in a less cagey way. If you are asked about it then be open. You should go to the appointment and proceed as usual. If you are asked about it don't get into a to and fro about who the hv rang etc. Maybe you would be better saying that you have put the incident behind you and your relationship is now good. If she wants to come round let her etc etc. The more defensive you are the more odd it sounds.

Original poster

SparkleSpangle · 21/04/2022 21:17

@AngelaRayner4PM She is my named health visitor, the same one I have had since before DS was born. I had met her before.

OP posts:

Maydaysoonenough · 21/04/2022 21:17

Maybe if ss had been on the ball lots of recently killed women and their dc would still be alive. Yabu. He punched you. Meds doesn't cure that.

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 21/04/2022 21:18

From her POV there was a violent incident with police involvement, and the victim in that situation is avoiding her and insistant that she doesn't talk to the aggressor.

You can't blame her.

FishFingerSandwiches4Tea · 21/04/2022 21:22

The HV team will have hundreds of families on their caseloads, I think you are massively over thinking this. Go to the appointment, and if asked about the incident you can confidently say it was a one off and explain what you've said here - that he's sought help and things are fine now. You've got nothing to hide or be cagy about so don't be! Unless things aren't quite as rosy as you're making out? 🤔

Original poster

SparkleSpangle · 21/04/2022 21:23

I have been with DP for 11 years. His alcohol intake increased over lockdown and he lost control. He was violent once in 11 years and we agreed to try again with many conditions in place.

I genuinely am not afraid for my safety. I was honest at the time with the HV about why I didn't want her to ring. DH had just started AA and was mentally very fragile.

@FriendofDorothy I am worried they will be annoyed I don't want to see my named HV because of what happen with the DV incident and I should have told them then.

OP posts:

dalmatianmad · 21/04/2022 21:25

I'm not sure why you think the HV messed up and why you don't want her in the building when you take your dc for their development check?

You seem very scared of your dh finding out that you sought help and reported him.
Your dh punched you. He should have been arrested. Police, Social Care and the HV team have a duty of care to you and your dc.

Original poster

SparkleSpangle · 21/04/2022 21:26

I wasn't avoiding her, I rung her back when he contacted me, she thought she had rung me before but had rung DH.

DH obviously knows I have spoken with police and understands. He played me the message on his phone that the HV denies leaving.

OP posts:

dalmatianmad · 21/04/2022 21:27

So your DH has mental health problems and alcohol dependency?

You should be under their radar for this alone. You sound like you need support.

FriendofDorothy · 21/04/2022 21:27

Oh I see - you can absolutely request to see a different HV but you will need to justify why.

To be honest it sounds like they let things drop when they shouldn't have done though - they should have followed you up more robustly as there was a significant DV issue.

Original poster

SparkleSpangle · 21/04/2022 21:29

DH knows because of the HV. I was worried at the time that it would send him back to alcohol or his depression would get worse and he would stop taking his meds. As it happens neither of these things happened and he is 6 month sober and happier than I have seen him in years. I really am not scared of him.

The HV however makes me incredibly anxious because of how she tried to twist stuff at the time.

OP posts:

FishFingerSandwiches4Tea · 21/04/2022 21:29

SparkleSpangle · 21/04/2022 21:23

I have been with DP for 11 years. His alcohol intake increased over lockdown and he lost control. He was violent once in 11 years and we agreed to try again with many conditions in place.

I genuinely am not afraid for my safety. I was honest at the time with the HV about why I didn't want her to ring. DH had just started AA and was mentally very fragile.

@FriendofDorothy I am worried they will be annoyed I don't want to see my named HV because of what happen with the DV incident and I should have told them then.

This is going to sound harsh, but mental illness or not, violence towards your partner will have consequences. I think you are oddly hung up on your partner not being spoken to by the HV and are making a huge issue out of nothing. As a pp said, surely you must see that a victim of domestic violence (which you are - even just once counts) who is insistent that the violent partner must not be contacted is going to ring big alarm bells for someone who's literal job is safeguarding? The natural conclusion is that you're scared of him. If you're not, I'm not sure why you've made such a huge deal over it.

AngelaRayner4PM · 21/04/2022 21:31

Yes it is a well used mumsnet response, but I stopped being scared of services once I left my abusive ex, my life stopped being a massive arse covering exercise, and instead of being scared of professionals I could be transparent and honest with them and actually benefit from their advice and help on some things. Leaving my abuser, some time in refuge, and a few years working with women's services, including doing the freedom program, have totally Changed the way I live my life, but also the way I act as a parent and react to professionals. When I take my DC to appointments I get to go as an advocate for their interests, not as an exercise in damage control for a household headed by an abuser. So in this case I really don't think the health visitor is the issue, if they flag up some concerns because of the previous missed appointment and your concern about your DP being called then they are just doing what they are meant to as professionals in a safeguarding role. If you don't attend, whether it's that individual or not that will be a massive safeguarding red flag as well. And why would they not be wanting to safeguarding this situation? The only facts they have are the missed appointment, police and social work referrals, and domestic violence incident. I really hope that your DP is changed and does not abuse you again, but statistically it's likely he will. I have been in your position, and mine did. I also had heavy social work input due to that and am lucky it didn't get worse, I know others have had kids removed. I'm not coming from a place of ignorance. I am now eternally grateful to the agencies who were safeguarding my children when I was too busy being under a narcissistic abusers spell to fully do that myself. I am grateful every day that the wake up call I got from their input was enough to initiate me into leaving my abuser and having a life of freedom from health visitor fear. When I get letters like that now I don't get that fear. I am happy to have a chat with the health visitor or whoever about my kids. I don't have to worry about an unpredictable fragile ego male exploding over something minor. I urge you to consider whether this is really the best environment for you or your child/ren.

Original poster

SparkleSpangle · 21/04/2022 21:33

@FriendofDorothy Thank you. I don't want to get her in trouble, she made a mistake. I imagine they are under staffed and over worked, she made a mistake.

However I now don't know how to access HV services without causing trouble. Like you say they will want a reason I don't want to see her.

You seem to understand what I am trying (badly) to get across so thanks again .

OP posts:

FishFingerSandwiches4Tea · 21/04/2022 21:34

SparkleSpangle · 21/04/2022 21:33

@FriendofDorothy Thank you. I don't want to get her in trouble, she made a mistake. I imagine they are under staffed and over worked, she made a mistake.

However I now don't know how to access HV services without causing trouble. Like you say they will want a reason I don't want to see her.

You seem to understand what I am trying (badly) to get across so thanks again .

If you accept it was a genuine mistake, whatbis your issue in seeing her? Calling and asking for a different HV and explaining is going to open all this up again and make them suspicious. Just go to the appointment!

Schmz · 21/04/2022 21:35

HV was doing her job -
DV is harmful to relationships and kids
shes following safeguarding
not sure why she hasn’t been in touch with u sooner ?

ENoeuf · 21/04/2022 21:36

To be honest it sounds like they let things drop when they shouldn't have done though - they should have followed you up more robustly as there was a significant DV issue.

^^ this! I can’t believe they all just walked away and left you to it. No wonder terrible things happen.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 21/04/2022 21:38

I think you are subconsciously misplacing your worries onto the HV as a distraction technique. The HV is not the one who punched you.

Original poster

SparkleSpangle · 21/04/2022 21:40

The HV tried to convince me that dh was spying on my phone to cover up the fact she ring him not me. That's why I don't want to see her, I don't trust her.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5