Help, what to do about health visitor?

[SparkleSpangle]

Ok this ended up pretty long so TLDR at the end.

Last year I had a DV incident with DH. He punched me, I kicked him out and reported it to the police. (DH has since returned and we are good)
Because I reported it both social services and the HV were informed. Police and social services both were happy with my situation and asked to speak to DH, I said no I dont want him to know I had reported it. They said fine and left contact numbers in case I needed anything, cases closed.

The HV rang both the home phone and DH mobile and left messages saying she needs to speak to me about the recent incident and has some forms for me to fill in. She also text me and asked me to ring her. I rang her back and she said she had been trying to get hold of me, could I meet her. I was away and said yes we can arrange a time when i'm back home. She said fine I will need to ring DH back and let him know.
I freaked out and said absolutely not I do not want him to know this has been reported. She said because he rang them (he was responding to the answerphone message) their policy was they had to respond unless I was in danger. I asked why he rang them and she said I don't know maybe he can see what is on your phone or redirected the house phone calls (really weird stuff). She has obviously rung him instead of me and is trying to get out of it. Then she starts telling me I am in danger and that is why I dont want her to ring. I told her DH has just got on meds for his mental health and started AA and I don't want anything to disrupt that I am not in danger. She was really insistent that I was in danger and that is why I wouldn't let her phone. Eventually she spoke to her manager and agreed not to ring him.

Day of the meeting DS is really sick no way I can go, I ring up and say call me to reschedule in a week. Never heard anything else.

So now it is 6 months later and I have got the appointment for DS 2.5 year review and I has completely thrown me. I feel really panicky and don't know what to do.

I can just cancel the appointment but there are some thing I would like to discuss. I will not see her, I will see someone else, I don't even want her to be in the building when I am there. I have to ring and speak to someone and I don't know what to say. Do I say what happened? will they be cross I didn't report it 6 months ago. Should I have made sure I filled in the forms? Will I be in trouble for that?

Sorry I am spiraling a bit, I need advice please.

TLDR: HV fucked up and now I don't want to see her but I want an appt with the HV service. What do I do.

I get that you want to draw a line under it and start over, like a scorched earth policy. But that's not how safeguarding works. Your DP made have had 'the sudden and lasting psychic change' promised in the AA Big Book in those 6 months, he might just be fooling you and still be drinking on the sly, he might have hurt you once in 11 years, or as far as the health visitor is concerned he might be drinking vodka and beating shit out of you on the daily. The biggest failing of the health visitor I can see is not following up sooner. Because your actions suggest that you were scared of up or partner who has known history of alcoholism, mental health and abuse and in which case you should have been on more regular checks with health Visitor, not left for 6 months and only reminded because of an automated 2 y check letter. I'm shocked they have let it go this long considering you didn't even meet the last time and seemed to be tiptoeing around your partner.

I think you’re getting some harsh responses here. It’s a pretty fundamental part of working with DV victims that you don’t contact the perpetrator and let them know an incident has been reported. Whether or not you consider yourself to be at risk/a victim is irrelevant as she should have treated you as such, knowing that your partner had been violent.

Yes, she made a mistake but it’s a pretty crucial one that could have potentially put you at high risk.

in terms of what to do now, I would just ask to see someone else.

(DH has since returned and we are good)

And you’re petrified of him knowing you reported him to the police for punching you?

😞

The HV was worried about you and is doing her job.

Just ring or email and say that you want to change hvs. If they push for a reason you can say that you didnt feel listened to during the last interaction. Although like manu others on the thread it sounds as if she was doing her job, albeit clumsily.

Unfortunately, this is often the case with abused women. If, as you suspect, she made a genuine mistake in calling your partner, she might not have even realised this is what she'd done. The appointment is about your child's development - not sure why calling your partner in error means she can't be trusted to do this routine aspect of her job?

Ultimately, you can:

1. go to the appointment and move on with your life, or

2)call and ask for a different HV but your reasons may well cause concern as you will be highlighting the DV issue. Or,

3)you can not attend, which may well flag your family as a safeguarding concern and ultimately be to your child's detriment as you have said there's things you want to discuss.

Out of those three options, going to your scheduled appointment is the most hassle free, surely?

@ENoeuf

I agree. I think the police and SS were happy that we had put steps in place and I let SS talk to DDs school. So they were happy to leave it.

HV never closed her case as far as I can tell because I didn't fill in the forms they were asking for.

The system is a mess. I'm just lucky my incident was a one off and she didn't actually put me in danger by ringing DH. It could have been much worse if she had made the same mistake with someone else.

Some Health Visitors use a computer system, where they do not control the contact details recorded, and worse still can't change them - the GP surgery has to do this. For future safety, check your GP surgery does not have your husband's number recorded as one of your own contact numbers. I imagine, in this circumstance, she will of been mortified that the mistake was made. It is not a problem to ask for a change of health visitor. It happens very frequently - often when people have been through a rough time or been challenged about something. Just ring the office and ask.

@AngelaRayner4PM and @Benedictcucumber mistakes were made. DH is not drinking he is WFH and barely leaves the house.

I will email and ask if I can be assigned a new HV. Just have to hope they dont ask any follow up questions.

I really can't bring myself to just go to the appointment I feel very anxious about seeing her. She was really quite aggressive on the phone telling me DH is watching my phone somehow. It was really strange.

I really hope you're right @SparkleSpangle and that you are never ever scared or assaulted by your partner ever again.

In which case what are you scared of by going to the health visitor? Why is it bothering you? Because she accidentally called the wrong number once and was confused as to how it happened?

I think you need to go and see whoever it is appointed this time. You can raise your concern about what happened with the phone call and just say "to make you aware, you did call DPs phone and had he been an ongoing abuser that would have put me in grave danger, as it is thankfully he has only acted once in 11 years when most out of character due to issues he is now receiving ongoing help for so I'm fortunate it didn't effect me negatively but for future reference, please be careful when leaving messages" or words to similar effect

By dodging her or asking for a change you look very suspicious and like you're hiding something. By meeting with her you are getting to clear the air, get some closure and move on to the next chapter. You'll maybe only have one more meeting before school if that if your not on their enhanced service.

I would seriously consider getting some help for yourself as well. Be that counselling, through al anon, through doing the freedom program or other women's services in your area, or whatever other means. Yes your DP needs help in addressing his issues, but if you do intend to go on this journey together then you will need at least as much help as him. It won't be easy, there will likely be relapses and having better knowledge of domestic violence will enable you to know the signs and get help quickly if this does transpire to be an ongoing pattern of behaviour and not a singular anomalous behaviour for an otherwise calm, even tempered and unmisogynistic individual.

She had to follow this up, let's face it, we see in terrible cases all the time about overwhelmed HV's and SWs not on the ball. To be honest, she shouldn't have stopped contacting you at the time, she could have allowed you both to fall through a very dangerous net. She should ask you about it, even if it's just in passing, but honestly, they really do not judge. I promise you, they deal with pretty awful situations, as long as your DC is hitting all their milestones and looks happy and healthy, and you look healthy, she's not going to worry. I'm pleased for you that you feel safe and confident, use some of it during the visit.

You can ring up and ask to see someone else and they should offer that. You don't need to go into lots of details. You should be prepared though for them to ask about DV. I work in a similar role and we have to ask everyone routinely. Just be calm in your response.

To the people saying they just dropped it, well realistically that's what they have to do. If they have reason to be concerned for the children they would refer to social care and the police will sometimes prosecute if there is a case. Otherwise for adults, they can offer advice e.g. where to get further support etc, but at the end of the day if the adult doesn't want to do anything further it gets left. That's one of the reasons professionals keep asking questions routinely, to give opportunities for people to take up support later on. I realise that sounds cold, but it's the reality.

You’re minimising his behaviour and she’s right to be concerned about you and your children a safety. It’s literally her job.

I think people are missing that the HV didn’t follow up, appears to have been put off by the op and then didn’t reschedule the appointment after contacting both op and the dh.
so she started but didn’t finish. Which is a bit rubbish really.

The only bit that doesn’t add up here is you not telling your DP that you had reported him. If you’re going to be good together then everything has to be out in the open. You don’t need to protect him, your panic belies your assertions.

Also it was your inability to tell him that escalated your situation with the HV. Yes she has rang him by mistake but it wouldn’t be an issue if you had been honest. The fact you cancelled your appointment due to his illness demonstrates you are prioritising him.

As for asking to see another HV just say you don’t feel comfortable or she accidentally broke confidentiality. Yes it could have been a problem for someone else but shouldn’t have been for you, if it’s all good. This is what happens when you hide things it snowballs.

You are following the DV script here, fairly word for word. Her job is to protect you and your child. She may not have gone about it perfectly or by the book, but women and children die literally daily through abusive partners.

You should be thanking her for looking out for your best interests and praising the "system", not saying it's broken.

He punched you. No amount of drink, drugs or mental health issues are an excuse for that.

If he had punched your child, would drink and mental health be a sufficient excuse then?

We are not here to judge - but your health visitor absolutely is because when they stop using their judgment, people actually die.

With all the news reports of children being murdered and domestic violence in the home, we need all the safeguarding we can get I think.

A man who punches his wife is not a good man, he just isn't. Unless he's defending himself or something. Add in alcohol issues and mental health problems and you should be under the radar for the sake of your children. I hope all his problems culminating in him being violent towards you were a one off but the statistics don't bear this out and you do need some intervention

Hey - chill! If there was a form to fill in - they should have chased it up. But they left it 6 months. They're in the wrong.

They'll likely completely gloss over it.

Just speak to a supervisor. You can probably get the details online or via your GP.

Call them up and say you have an appointment but you'd like it to be with a different HV because your current one has been quite unpleasant and you don't feel comfortable. Leave it at that. If they push you for more details just say I don't want to cause any trouble, it was several months ago, you're keen to attend the appointment but could it be with someone else. If not - you'll call your GP to do a weigh up/check-in there instead as the HV appointment isn't mandatory.

You'll be fine. Don't stress. They're in the wrong. Not you.

@dustandroses he knows, the HV phone call tipped him off. We talked about it and he understands.

I get it OP. I really do. You probably feel like the whole situation is exaggerated by now and you’re over it, you’ve moved on. But they have a duty of care to your child and you appeared to restrict that, regardless of why you made excuses. Just face the music, talk it through. Hiding from the HV you have random concerns about when they were only concerned about your child’s safety is pointless of your child isn’t at risk. Right?

@seasaltandsunscreen yes we were at risk and the HV didn't even meet with me. She phoned me, said I had to fill in some forms and that was it. How is that not broken.

I have tried to follow as best I can but am confused. Why can't you explain to the HV service about how you feel? That you had a difficult interaction with one of their team and would like to be reassigned. I imagine it happens.

FWIW I can't understand why you were so stressed about your partner finding out. I have been in a similar position to you with a partner with MH and alcohol issues (but granted no DV) and he needed to hear about the impact of his actions as part of his 'rock bottom' and I needed him to hear it as part of the healing process. It feels like you are doing all you can to protect him but it is coming at a real cost to you.

Its rubbish that this was not followed up and that you felt she was not being honest with you as it sounds like you really did need the support of the service at the time. Just be honest with them, and explain you would like to see a new HV. It would be heartening to hear that they do discuss the DV with you in the appointment as it would show that they are joining the dots and the system is perhaps working and you can have a chat about how things are going. If they are as positive as you are saying then you shouldn't be concerned.

Its ok to be proud of your husband, of how far he has come and also feel upset about what he has done to you.

Whichever health visitor you deal with will have your notes and will discuss the domestic violence situation with you. The child's safety is their priority and you need to keep this in mind.Everything else is a side issue with the caveat that your defensive attitude will automatically raise red flags. The health visitor is a vital link in ensuring that your child remains safe and that's how it should be.The incident occurred, you reported it and there has to be some follow up, messed up as this appears to have been.
You almost seem to want to change the narrative, you say you allowed the social worker to speak with the school.They would have spoken to the school whether you gave permission or not. Stay calm and remember it's all about the child.

The NHS computer system has flagged up that your child is due their 2 year review.
This happens for all children in the UK
You are over thinking this OP

if I understand correctly :
Your DP had alcohol problems and assaulted you, resulting in HV being involved with you. Concerned for your safety, but you feel HV overreacted on this when you felt the situation was non or low risk as your DP had sought help.
You are now concerned that you have an appointment with HV for regular milestone check up on your DC. ?

1. You did the right thing to report to police. This seems to have been the point your DP acknowledged his alcoholism and sought help.


2. The HV might have messed up on the phone calls but the concern for your safety was genuine. Maybe not expressed perfectly but you must know how many women die in DV situations. And how children can also be targeted, injured or killed. The HV wanted to be as sure as she could be you were not living in fear.

My exh was an alcoholic. Would not help himself despite me and his GP doing our utmost. AA even came out to the house on one occasion. He lost me and his children, his job, his home, and died a very miserable death before he was 50. So I understand some of what you’ve experienced.

Being cagey or dishonest with SS or HV won’t help you at all. If you’ve nothing to hide, you’ve nothing to worry about. Go to the appointment, discuss your DC, their progress, the positive things you do. If asked describe the help your DP is receiving and the progress he’s made. Have a plan for IF he relapses.
Be aware your DP will always be an alcoholic , a recovering alcoholic but one all the same. You know it’s essential he sticks with AA, even if it’s for life.
I’ll never defend violence but I can understand you wanting to repair your relationship and it’s positive your DP took the steps to get help. Without that he’d have been in a downward spiral, dragging you with him.
Face the HV, you’ve nothing to be ashamed of, but please be honest as they are there to help if you ever need it.

Tbh - there was also a problem with how everyone handled things from the beginning
If police are called and a violent domestic assault is alleged - their not contacting, interviewing or arresting the alleged perpetrator is not best practice.
If this occurred with children in the house the police should also have informed Social Services and HV as standard protocol.

Social Services and HV should have been in contact.
Your not wanting anyone to speak openly or honestly about the abuse to your partner puts red flags up everywhere. They only want to keep you and your kids safe.

If you miss appts for the kids - please be very careful. You are living with a man you have reported to be a violent abuser. He also has substance misuse and potential mental health issues. You don’t want to get support from anyone.
They will be worried for your child/children and your ability to make reasoned decisions around their care if you start missing appts.
Go.
Also please contact Women’s Aid and see what courses they can offer you for support. Also do some safety and risk planning for all what if scenarios with your partner. Attend your GP with your child/children and have a health check there too - be open and friendly and discuss any and all worries you have.
I hope it goes well for you all