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Original poster

Help, what to do about health visitor?

123 replies

SparkleSpangle · 21/04/2022 21:09

Ok this ended up pretty long so TLDR at the end.

Last year I had a DV incident with DH. He punched me, I kicked him out and reported it to the police. (DH has since returned and we are good)
Because I reported it both social services and the HV were informed. Police and social services both were happy with my situation and asked to speak to DH, I said no I dont want him to know I had reported it. They said fine and left contact numbers in case I needed anything, cases closed.

The HV rang both the home phone and DH mobile and left messages saying she needs to speak to me about the recent incident and has some forms for me to fill in. She also text me and asked me to ring her. I rang her back and she said she had been trying to get hold of me, could I meet her. I was away and said yes we can arrange a time when i'm back home. She said fine I will need to ring DH back and let him know.
I freaked out and said absolutely not I do not want him to know this has been reported. She said because he rang them (he was responding to the answerphone message) their policy was they had to respond unless I was in danger. I asked why he rang them and she said I don't know maybe he can see what is on your phone or redirected the house phone calls (really weird stuff). She has obviously rung him instead of me and is trying to get out of it. Then she starts telling me I am in danger and that is why I dont want her to ring. I told her DH has just got on meds for his mental health and started AA and I don't want anything to disrupt that I am not in danger. She was really insistent that I was in danger and that is why I wouldn't let her phone. Eventually she spoke to her manager and agreed not to ring him.

Day of the meeting DS is really sick no way I can go, I ring up and say call me to reschedule in a week. Never heard anything else.

So now it is 6 months later and I have got the appointment for DS 2.5 year review and I has completely thrown me. I feel really panicky and don't know what to do.

I can just cancel the appointment but there are some thing I would like to discuss. I will not see her, I will see someone else, I don't even want her to be in the building when I am there. I have to ring and speak to someone and I don't know what to say. Do I say what happened? will they be cross I didn't report it 6 months ago. Should I have made sure I filled in the forms? Will I be in trouble for that?

Sorry I am spiraling a bit, I need advice please.

TLDR: HV fucked up and now I don't want to see her but I want an appt with the HV service. What do I do.

OP posts:
carefullycourageous · 22/04/2022 09:18

SparkleSpangle · 21/04/2022 21:17

@AngelaRayner4PM She is my named health visitor, the same one I have had since before DS was born. I had met her before.

You can request a different HV.

Put in writing you want HV support but don't trust that HV due to what happened, and would like a fresh relationship with the service.

Fulmine · 22/04/2022 09:18

It may well be that he was snooping on OP's phone - goodness knows, he had good reason to believe that she might have reported his assault on her and to want to check on that.

Following on from my own post, the HV wasn't of course specifically saying that OP's husband was looking at her phone - she was simply surmising that that might be one reason why he had left a message with her. OP hasn't stated how the HV would have had her husband's phone number if he hadn't left a message.

Fulmine · 22/04/2022 09:21

(doctors said to reduce alcohol intake not quit cold turkey)

I'd be a bit sceptical of that one, if I were you. Reducing alcohol just doesn't happen if you are an alcoholic, and any competent doctor would know that.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 22/04/2022 09:25

. I do not want to bring my child around a woman who would act like this.

You're happy for him to live with a violent man though?

Unsureaboutit9 · 22/04/2022 09:27

No harm in asking for a new health visitor, hopefully they just won’t ask why. But if they can’t give you a new one then you need to just be the grown up and go to the appointment. She may have made a mistake but she isn’t the villain in the story, your DH is, she’s just a human doing her job and looking out for your DS. It’s great your DH is doing well now, but this appointment really isn’t about you or him, it’s for your child, so if you can’t get a new health visitor just go to the appointment. It’s probably the last one you will have with them anyway so itl be the last time you see her and itl be a positive tick against your family showing you’ve nothing to hide.

BadNomad · 22/04/2022 09:28

@Fulmine

It may well be that he was snooping on OP's phone - goodness knows, he had good reason to believe that she might have reported his assault on her and to want to check on that.

Following on from my own post, the HV wasn't of course specifically saying that OP's husband was looking at her phone - she was simply surmising that that might be one reason why he had left a message with her. OP hasn't stated how the HV would have had her husband's phone number if he hadn't left a message.

The OP said she HEARD the voice message on her husband's phone addressed to HER. The HV denies this happened. That is very unprofessional.
Original poster
SparkleSpangle · 22/04/2022 09:35

BadNomad · 22/04/2022 09:28

@Fulmine

It may well be that he was snooping on OP's phone - goodness knows, he had good reason to believe that she might have reported his assault on her and to want to check on that.

Following on from my own post, the HV wasn't of course specifically saying that OP's husband was looking at her phone - she was simply surmising that that might be one reason why he had left a message with her. OP hasn't stated how the HV would have had her husband's phone number if he hadn't left a message.

The OP said she HEARD the voice message on her husband's phone addressed to HER. The HV denies this happened. That is very unprofessional.

This is correct. Not only did she deny it she also came up with strange scenarios to explain how he knew she had phoned, redirecting my calls to his phone, cloning my phone, checking through my phone etc.

OP posts:
PaddlingLikeADuck · 22/04/2022 09:42

The fact you only respond to messages that ‘confirm’ that the HV is the bad guy is also very telling.

it’s bizarre that in this whole tale, your husband, who punched you and put your child in danger, is the victim.

Original poster
SparkleSpangle · 22/04/2022 09:49

To everyone who can't get past the fact I chose to take him back.

Leaving is not that simple especially when children are involved. Money is tight and our children will have a more comfortable life if we stayed together. Neither of us could have afforded to keep the house so the children would have lost their home. Money would have been even less so DD would have had to stop all her after school clubs, no more weekend treats, cinema, meals out etc. I would have be counting every penny.

He hit me once in 11 years and yes it is horrendous and yes if I could have afforded to I would have bought him out of the house and never seen him again. But of course the children would still have had to see him, so then I am sending my children alone to a house with a man I have decided is too dangerous for me to live with. Surely it is better to stay together to protect them?

I thought at the time it was worth giving it another go in order to preserve the quality of life we had. It worked out DH doesn't drink, the children are happy and don't have to split their lives between 2 houses.

OP posts:
Original poster
SparkleSpangle · 22/04/2022 09:53

PaddlingLikeADuck · 22/04/2022 09:42

The fact you only respond to messages that ‘confirm’ that the HV is the bad guy is also very telling.

it’s bizarre that in this whole tale, your husband, who punched you and put your child in danger, is the victim.

Because the ones that say the HV is just doing her job have missed out the part when she phoned someone accused of DV and gave them information she wasn't supposed to then lied about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
SparkleSpangle · 22/04/2022 09:54

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 22/04/2022 09:25

. I do not want to bring my child around a woman who would act like this.

You're happy for him to live with a violent man though?

He would be living with him anyway. He is still his Dad, he would still have access to him if we separated just in a house on his own with no other adult. How is this better?

OP posts:
Original poster
SparkleSpangle · 22/04/2022 09:57

Fulmine · 22/04/2022 09:21

(doctors said to reduce alcohol intake not quit cold turkey)

I'd be a bit sceptical of that one, if I were you. Reducing alcohol just doesn't happen if you are an alcoholic, and any competent doctor would know that.

He had leaflets from the doctor giving the risks of quitting cold turkey. It can cause seizures. So I guess his doctor didn't want him to have a seizure?

OP posts:
Thesearmsofmine · 22/04/2022 09:57

Tbh OP I find it more concerning the way you are scrabbling around clearly so worried about this, it feels off, like you are afraid. What does your DH think? Could he take dc to the appointment?
If things are as good as you say and everyone has moved forward, surely you would both feel confident to meet the hv and address any concerns raised.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 22/04/2022 09:58

Your story has changed a lot. Initially you told us all you had taken him back because you were now definitely safe and everything was find again. Now you say you've taken him back to stop him abusing your son without you being there to stop it?

emmakenny · 22/04/2022 09:59

You need to be on their radar with a violent, alcoholic around your child.

AA and mental health meds are all very good but won't make a difference when he next 'loses it' and either kills you or the baby.

Put your child first.

PaddlingLikeADuck · 22/04/2022 09:59

So basically you stayed with him with not because you feel safe but in order to protect your children.

Why didn’t you just say that then?

Why minimise what he did when it’s quite clear from your last post that if you’d been able to leave him then you would have done .

Many women stay with violent men for the sake of feeling they are protecting their children and admitting that is far more honest and understood then simply making out that what he did doesn’t matter and that you don’t believe he’s a risk to your or your children.

emmakenny · 22/04/2022 10:00

@SparkleSpangle

The HV tried to convince me that dh was spying on my phone to cover up the fact she ring him not me. That's why I don't want to see her, I don't trust her.
It's your 'd'h you shouldn't trust. Not the HV trying to protect your innocent child.
Unsureaboutit9 · 22/04/2022 10:02

But of course the children would still have had to see him, so then I am sending my children alone to a house with a man I have decided is too dangerous for me to live with. Surely it is better to stay together to protect them?

Im not saying you should leave him, but this is absolutely ridiculous logic. Violent men get supervised access (unless you choose to put your kids in danger by not insisting on it), staying with a dangerous man to ‘protect’ children is just stupid logic. You are confident he won’t hit you again, fair enough. But if that ever changes if he falls off the wagon or whatever don’t kid yourself that staying with him would be the right thing to ‘protect’ the kids, if he becomes violent again you report it and then make him go to court for supervised access. Hopefully your situation never comes to that.

YouHaveYourFathersBreasts · 22/04/2022 10:04

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 21/04/2022 21:18

From her POV there was a violent incident with police involvement, and the victim in that situation is avoiding her and insistant that she doesn't talk to the aggressor.

You can't blame her.

Absolutely. From her point of view, she’s trying to do her job and your reaction is worrying from her point of view. I see her point.

Original poster
SparkleSpangle · 22/04/2022 10:07

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 22/04/2022 09:58

Your story has changed a lot. Initially you told us all you had taken him back because you were now definitely safe and everything was find again. Now you say you've taken him back to stop him abusing your son without you being there to stop it?

I am safe. My point is you are saying I am choosing to let him live with a violent man, I am saying no matter what I did ds would be living with him. In the case of separation it would be legally required by the courts. You seemed not to understand this?

OP posts:
Original poster
SparkleSpangle · 22/04/2022 10:12

Unsureaboutit9 · 22/04/2022 10:02

But of course the children would still have had to see him, so then I am sending my children alone to a house with a man I have decided is too dangerous for me to live with. Surely it is better to stay together to protect them?

Im not saying you should leave him, but this is absolutely ridiculous logic. Violent men get supervised access (unless you choose to put your kids in danger by not insisting on it), staying with a dangerous man to ‘protect’ children is just stupid logic. You are confident he won’t hit you again, fair enough. But if that ever changes if he falls off the wagon or whatever don’t kid yourself that staying with him would be the right thing to ‘protect’ the kids, if he becomes violent again you report it and then make him go to court for supervised access. Hopefully your situation never comes to that.

There is no guarantee supervised access would have been ordered especially after a one off incident. Even if it was it wouldn't be forever.

OP posts:
PaddlingLikeADuck · 22/04/2022 10:15

I am safe. My point is you are saying I am choosing to let him live with a violent man, I am saying no matter what I did ds would be living with him.

To my knowledge, men with mental health problems and who are also alcoholics, and who have been violent within the household (especially when their child is in the arms of their wife who they punched), are not allowed unsupervised access to their children.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 22/04/2022 10:16

You seemed not to understand this?

I understand it fine. What I'm pointing out is how much your story - your reasons for staying - has changed from page 1 to page 4. It's very clear you haven't processed things yet, you're confused, and you're transferring your anger and fear onto the HV instead of where it really belongs.

Would you call Women's Aid as a first step? www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

emmakenny · 22/04/2022 10:17

@SparkleSpangle

I am safe. My point is you are saying I am choosing to let him live with a violent man, I am saying no matter what I did ds would be living with him. In the case of separation it would be legally required by the courts. You seemed not to understand this?
Violent alcoholics would most likely get supervised access. You're staying with him because it's easier for you- not for the benefit of your child. For your sake. Be honest.
emmakenny · 22/04/2022 10:18

Posted too soon.

Op you are staying for your own sake. Not your child's. You don't want to have less money and move. That's what's important to you, not your child's safety. At least be honest.