Help, what to do about health visitor?

[SparkleSpangle]

Ok this ended up pretty long so TLDR at the end.

Last year I had a DV incident with DH. He punched me, I kicked him out and reported it to the police. (DH has since returned and we are good)
Because I reported it both social services and the HV were informed. Police and social services both were happy with my situation and asked to speak to DH, I said no I dont want him to know I had reported it. They said fine and left contact numbers in case I needed anything, cases closed.

The HV rang both the home phone and DH mobile and left messages saying she needs to speak to me about the recent incident and has some forms for me to fill in. She also text me and asked me to ring her. I rang her back and she said she had been trying to get hold of me, could I meet her. I was away and said yes we can arrange a time when i'm back home. She said fine I will need to ring DH back and let him know.
I freaked out and said absolutely not I do not want him to know this has been reported. She said because he rang them (he was responding to the answerphone message) their policy was they had to respond unless I was in danger. I asked why he rang them and she said I don't know maybe he can see what is on your phone or redirected the house phone calls (really weird stuff). She has obviously rung him instead of me and is trying to get out of it. Then she starts telling me I am in danger and that is why I dont want her to ring. I told her DH has just got on meds for his mental health and started AA and I don't want anything to disrupt that I am not in danger. She was really insistent that I was in danger and that is why I wouldn't let her phone. Eventually she spoke to her manager and agreed not to ring him.

Day of the meeting DS is really sick no way I can go, I ring up and say call me to reschedule in a week. Never heard anything else.

So now it is 6 months later and I have got the appointment for DS 2.5 year review and I has completely thrown me. I feel really panicky and don't know what to do.

I can just cancel the appointment but there are some thing I would like to discuss. I will not see her, I will see someone else, I don't even want her to be in the building when I am there. I have to ring and speak to someone and I don't know what to say. Do I say what happened? will they be cross I didn't report it 6 months ago. Should I have made sure I filled in the forms? Will I be in trouble for that?

Sorry I am spiraling a bit, I need advice please.

TLDR: HV fucked up and now I don't want to see her but I want an appt with the HV service. What do I do.

I totally get your point about the HV ringing the wrong person, breaching confidentiality (I mentioned that in my first post) and then trying to backtrack and cover it up by implying it was your DH spying. And that making a phone call like that could have had dire consequences for someone. I really do.

But you are deflecting, you are denying that your DH is at the heart of this. Did he really suddenly just punch you with a baby in your arms, bursting your ear drum? No he didn't because if anyone just did that with no warning or background you would walk away for ever. The DV escalated and you are so conditioned you are not just accepting it, you are minimising it too.

The reason you don't want to ask for another HV is you don't want the issue to raise it's head again, think about why that is, why are you happy they have left you alone for months?

Nothing should stop you from speaking to a HV when you have concerns about your child, especially given that you say all is well now. The fact you are even thinking about it raises a safeguarding concern imo.

I'm not sure why there's much need to discuss this round and round.

Your top priority is your child. You have a regular HV check up appointment, at which there are some things you'd like to discuss with a HV. You don't trust or like the HV that your appointment has been scheduled with. So, ring the HV team and request a different HV and rearrange the appointment with them. If asked for a reason, explain that you were unhappy with the previous contact with this HV and that has resulted in you having no trust in her. No need to go into details.

Or, if you feel that you can, put your feelings about this HV to one side and just go and have the appointment with her. Don't bring up the history unless she specifically asks about it, and concentrate on the issues you want to discuss with your child.

Those are the two options, you can choose which you feel is best for you.

There is no guarantee supervised access would have been ordered especially after a one off incident. Even if it was it wouldn't be forever.

Again, I haven’t criticised you for not leaving. I said if things change, but it’s sounds like you’d rather risk yours/your kids lives every day than take the small risk he’d get unsupervised access if you left. Again, he’s fine now, great! I hope it continues. But if not these lazy excuses to stay with him would not be the right answer.

I believed your reasons for staying at first but your subsequent posts sound like you are staying because you are afraid rather than because you feel safe.

The HV still hasn’t ‘fucked up’. In my professional life I have seen countless times how families try to deflect their dysfunction and problems on nosy or interfering authority figures. She is right to be suspicious of your husband. He is an abuser whether you want to call him that or not.

Your husband has punched you and has substance abuse problems.

If you continue to bring your child up around him, you rightfully need support and a safeguarding flag for your family.

He will do it again. You aren’t ‘good’ at all.

You admit that the HV left a message for you on your husband phone, she thought she was calling you and left you a voicemail.
When you asked her why she called your husband she denied it - she still believed that she called you. She warned you that he could be accessing your messages as she was worried about you.

She was negligent for not following it up.

So your husband punched you and you took him back?

Once they punch you, they NEVER not do it again. They will. Meds don't make a difference to what is in your heart, you have to be the type of person to punch a woman in the first place, and you will remain that woman - on, and off, medication. You're foolish for taking him back.

I have no love for the HV programme in the UK. Luckily I don't live in the UK so never had to have to go through the HV ordeal. However, even in Australia where I am, you would have your children taken off of you if you got back with someone who punched you. You are being very irresponsible as a mother to have your child near him in your home. HV (in THIS case) are right for being concerned. You gullibly took back an abusive wife-basher and are subjecting your son to that.

He may be 'doing well' on the meds, but meds don't make you not capable of punching. Meds or no meds, a man doesn't do that unless it's in his DNA and soul to do that. He WILL hit you again. Deep down you know it. If a man punched me once - just once , I'd leave him, get a divorce, and never allow him near me or my child again. No matter if he is on meds successfully for 20 years, I still wouldn't take him back.

You are playing roulette with your life and with your son's life. If you are going to stay with a wife-basher, your DC should be removed from your care imo.

Also, surely you must have known this would come up eventually, that he would find out? Going back into the relationship with a secret like this was NEVER going to work. You should have told him you reported him, at the outset. Now he has to find out like this. So you've doubly stuffed up.

I do not want to bring my child around a woman who would act like this.

But you're ok with raising your child with a wife basher?

got it in a nutshell

This.

You can always state in the meeting you do not want to discuss it especially around your child. As you have nothing to hide they can contact you privately if they wish.

Leaving is not that simple especially when children are involved. Money is tight and our children will have a more comfortable life if we stayed together. Neither of us could have afforded to keep the house so the children would have lost their home. Money would have been even less so DD would have had to stop all her after school clubs, no more weekend treats, cinema, meals out etc. I would have be counting every penny.

You don't understand. It's BECAUSE you have children that you should have left him! Because he could kill you and/or the children. What children need is safety and stability and safety. Even if that is in a shelter or an emergency home accommodation. They don't need a fancy house or fancy clubs or spending money. They need to be SAFE. You let them down as their mother. You chose giving them money and clubs, over giving them safety. Better to be counting every penny than allow your child to grow up in such danger and dysfunction. You put money over your kids. Your priorities are twisted and completely back to front.

He hit you once. Once is all it takes and all is needed. SS could have made sure he only had supervised visitation. But instead of fighting for the safety of your kids, you chose to put money over them and not even try. They will grow up to resent you for staying with him when (not if), WHEN he does hit you again. You will then lose them as adults, they will never forgive you. We've seen your story play out 4 thousand times on here. Not once has the DP/DH ever not hit again. Not once. And the kids usually have a restrained relationship with their mother as adults because they cannot ever forgive their mother for not leaving. This is what you've done. You will not have a good relationship with your children as adults because they know you chose money over them and did nothing to protect them.

OP. If you had a daughter and she posted what you have posted, in absolute honesty would you be cross at the HV or scared for your daughter?

Really really think about it.

The hv is wrong and did make a mistake that could have put you at risk.
The service that I work in would have flagged this and we wouldn’t be able to contact your Dh at all. Although we would also have prioritised meeting with you.

call them, explain why you are unhappy and request that you see someone else.

Why do you think she rang him rather than you? Why would she even have his number in the first place? Is it his number that is left on your landline voicemail?
Not saying an HV can't make a mistake, but they are usually really careful about making sure they've got the correct number, particularly when it comes to leaving messages.
Anyway, if you don't feel confident of her abilities, you can ask to see someone else and just say you didn't feel comfortable with her, or be upfront, say she made a mistake which affected you personally.

OP I can understand the HV's concern, and I think you should not fear the appointment. The truth is people at AA very regularly relapse, and meds for mental illness often stop working and have to be recalibrated. And when either happen you are objectively at risk, as last time that scenario was in play (no useful meds/drinking) you got punched, had an ear drum burst and all in the presence of your baby. It's amazing your DP is doing well and long may it continue, but it might not at some point, and then quite rightly your baby and you are at serious risk of harm. It's an HV's job to care.

The HV is worried for your welfare and that's a good thing. You are definitely deflecting, and you sound fearful or at least walking on constant eggshells as to what can and cannot be said or done around your DP because of X or Y. I'm sorry you're going through this, but I think you're directing your anxiety in the wrong direction.

Your posts are all about protecting your piece of shit husband and his precious feelings and “mental health”. Meanwhile there is a child who is missing important appointments. Wise the fuck up. He PUNCHED you and somehow it has become all about protecting him. Protect your fucking kids.

Thanks everyone for your replies. Even if I don't agree with you I appreciate you taking the time to offer your opinion. This will be my last post on this thread because it is just becoming a thread telling me how shit I am for staying with DH and it is starting to upset me. He is a good man, alcohol took that away from us for a while but he has made the changes he promised and has come back to the man he was before. I know most of you don't understand this but I refuse to leave and take the children from him after one mistake, a big mistake I know. But he has tried every day since then to be the best person he can and we are happy again.

The HV has fucked up. Massively.

she called the wrong number which endangered the OP and her child/ren.

If she was sure she’d rang the right number then she believes the OP is being tracked/recorded yet there has been no follow up. No chasing the form, no passing on to SS. Just left.

Just request a different HV @SparkleSpangle

its very easy done. And it will be good to have that regular contact again as there is support out there for people in your position.

I really hope the OP was a troll because if she wasn’t some of the replies on this thread will likely put her off ever posting if shit hits the fan again.

it takes an average of 7 attempts for someone to leave a DV situation. People putting the boot in when someone asks about how to access services isn’t exactly fucking helpful. Most likely just puts them off even more.

sometimes being right and the right thing to say are not always the same thing.

Jesus. It is one thing people commenting on somebody’s personal life to give advice and voice concern.

It is quite another to jump on the attack wagon.

We are supposed to be on here as women to support one another. Not to cause upset and distress to an already distressed and vulnerable woman who has suffered domestic violence.

@SparkleSpangle everyone has voiced their concerns and I think you have heard loud and clear that risk may still persist in future. However, you are an adult and you have made your decision on this. Please keep all channels of support open for yourself, don’t become isolated and let what happened colour your interactions with sources of support going forward (HV, GP, School etc).

I would advise not letting issues from the past get in the way of your child being assessed by a health visitor. Simple and sensible advice has been given by @RoseslnTheHospital it’s straightforward, non-inflammatory and deals with the issue you asked about.

To anyone wishing to attack her further, leave off.

A 'good man' doesn't punch his wife. You are making excuses for him. Wake up to yourself.

The HV left a message for you, when you spoke to her it's likely that she thought he was listening to your messages because she felt sure that was your number. That was a mistake, but it's important for you perhaps to distinguish in your own mind that she was mistaken about the number rather than lying to you. It's a much larger mistake that nobody followed up to make sure you were all safe, and I'm sorry that you have been let down there. You are still in the stage of protecting your DH and the shape of your life together, but please know that it's fine to even just have a chat with the police at any stage to help with any concerns you have. You won't be forced into prosecuting him in order to get help and they can signpost you to support.

Regarding the appointment, they aren't always with the same HV, just call and ask to meet a different one if that makes you more comfortable. The most important thing there is to check your DS is progressing well.