Help, what to do about health visitor?

[SparkleSpangle]

Ok this ended up pretty long so TLDR at the end.

Last year I had a DV incident with DH. He punched me, I kicked him out and reported it to the police. (DH has since returned and we are good)
Because I reported it both social services and the HV were informed. Police and social services both were happy with my situation and asked to speak to DH, I said no I dont want him to know I had reported it. They said fine and left contact numbers in case I needed anything, cases closed.

The HV rang both the home phone and DH mobile and left messages saying she needs to speak to me about the recent incident and has some forms for me to fill in. She also text me and asked me to ring her. I rang her back and she said she had been trying to get hold of me, could I meet her. I was away and said yes we can arrange a time when i'm back home. She said fine I will need to ring DH back and let him know.
I freaked out and said absolutely not I do not want him to know this has been reported. She said because he rang them (he was responding to the answerphone message) their policy was they had to respond unless I was in danger. I asked why he rang them and she said I don't know maybe he can see what is on your phone or redirected the house phone calls (really weird stuff). She has obviously rung him instead of me and is trying to get out of it. Then she starts telling me I am in danger and that is why I dont want her to ring. I told her DH has just got on meds for his mental health and started AA and I don't want anything to disrupt that I am not in danger. She was really insistent that I was in danger and that is why I wouldn't let her phone. Eventually she spoke to her manager and agreed not to ring him.

Day of the meeting DS is really sick no way I can go, I ring up and say call me to reschedule in a week. Never heard anything else.

So now it is 6 months later and I have got the appointment for DS 2.5 year review and I has completely thrown me. I feel really panicky and don't know what to do.

I can just cancel the appointment but there are some thing I would like to discuss. I will not see her, I will see someone else, I don't even want her to be in the building when I am there. I have to ring and speak to someone and I don't know what to say. Do I say what happened? will they be cross I didn't report it 6 months ago. Should I have made sure I filled in the forms? Will I be in trouble for that?

Sorry I am spiraling a bit, I need advice please.

TLDR: HV fucked up and now I don't want to see her but I want an appt with the HV service. What do I do.

Your kid needs reviewed for health and well-being. That is the priority here.

Go to the appointment. If anything is mentioned, say you consider it to be past history DH has taken steps to resolve issues and you are satisfied with that.

If you start cancelling appointments and making a big deal out of it at this point they are going to be more concerned that you are still in danger.

If he is so reformed, why would you be worried about his behaviour if he found out not. If he’s reformed surely he accepts how awful his behaviour was.

OP, the HV isn’t the problem in all this. She probably rang the number on your child’s GP record which could have been put down as your husbands number for any number of reasons. If you’re in no danger then there should be no issue with her candour in talking to him. If she disclosed anything to him, surely you’re husband would have mentioned it to you? It could be as simple as she said she said “it’s the health visitor calling, are you the parent of Joe Bloggs?” and your husband has said “yes, but you probably need to speak to his Mum, will you let me know if you don’t manage to contact her?”.

Domestic Violence, Parental Substance Misuse (alcohol) and Mental Health problems are known as “the toxic trio” in childrens safeguarding and children in these households are known to have the poorest outcomes. You are doing your son a disservice by pretending all is okay with your husband and he’s a changed man, whilst simultaneously demonising professionals trying to help you.

I think you are getting a tough time on this thread.

I do wonder if OP downplayed this incident to the police as much as she is trying to downplay it on here. The police generic flowchart response for alcoholic punching their partner would be to arrest if reported at the time and at least interview the suspect if reported later.

You and your children need all the support you can get. Just go to the appointment and if they bring it up be honest with them.
I feel like you are focusing on the wrong thing here, projecting onto the HV who is doing her job, and if you weren’t scared about your husband finding out it wouldn’t have been an issue at all. That’s the real concern.

I don't know why people are being so obtuse. Your HV fucked up and could have caused you a lot of harm if you were in an ongoing dangerous and volatile relationship at home. Then her gaslighting you is really not good. So I understand why you don't want anything to do with her.

However, you can't keep avoiding these appointments. That is a massive red flag. You have to go. You have to either contact them and request a different HV ahead of time, or just go.

No one is being obtuse. People are being incredibly helpful by gently explaining to the OP that a) she is overthinking this situation b) that "the system" despite issues is designed to protect the children of people like her husband and c) drink and mental health isn't a valid excuse for a man punching a woman and HV's of course would be concerned about this.

To be honest your DH might be over it but you clearly are not. You are deflecting to the HV and anxiety is out of proportion with the issue. You DH and you now have no secrets so can move on as he knows you reported him, so all is good .

Thinks to do just contact the HV team be honest say you wan to change HV because it triggers your anxiety from that time. I work in the health service and people ask to change all the time some like you and some as a pa I want to get to you by letting you know I don't like you. Neither of which actually worry most of us, I know not everyone will like me or my approach and it is much better to be working with someone than worrying about their motives or being cagy.
Ring up reschedule if needed and get a new HV if available and move on. Ask your gp for counselling.

This is an overreaction on your part, if you can getnover what your husband did then surely you can get over this, she hasn't ficked up imo.

See none of what you say matters because this is what it looks like to the outside world.

From her POV there was a violent incident with police involvement, and the victim in that situation is avoiding her and insistant that she doesn't talk to the aggressor

It simply doesn't matter. You're swerving this so not to upset your bloke. It looks bad and personally you need checking in on. Ask for a different HV, it's not a big deal.

If DH had punched me there isn't enough medication or AA that would allow him back into mine or children's life. IME If they do it once, they'll do it again.

To be honest your DH might be over it but you clearly are not. You are deflecting to the HV and anxiety is out of proportion with the issue. You DH and you now have no secrets so can move on as he knows you reported him, so all is good .

Completely agree.

Something seems a bit fishy though.

Generally, if there is a man who has issues with both mental health and alcohol and he punches his partner and there is a young child in the household it isn’t usual to just ‘let it go’.

So you reported it to the police and they did absolutely nothing? They didn’t speak to him at all?!

I’m actually horrified that the police, SS and your HV haven’t done more to ensure the safety of you and your child.

The fact you are so incredibly anxious about seeing the HV who was involved is a bit strange.

What are you scared of? Being asked about the fact you didn’t fill in some forms 6 months ago which they didn’t even chase up?

The thing is, you don't actually know that she did twist anything, do you? For all you know, it was indeed your husband who phoned her because he was checking on your phone. It's not as if things were exactly rosy with you at the time.

@seasaltandsunscreen

No one is being obtuse. People are being incredibly helpful by gently explaining to the OP that a) she is overthinking this situation b) that "the system" despite issues is designed to protect the children of people like her husband and c) drink and mental health isn't a valid excuse for a man punching a woman and HV's of course would be concerned about this.

Yes. And this particular HV phoned her abuser and left a message pretty much saying "we know what you did". Until then he did not know the OP had contacted the police. And the OP did not know he was told. Can you not see how dangerous that was? "The system" put her in danger. The OP has every right to be upset.

You decided to stay with your DH after he hit you. It doesn't sound like you had very much faith in his ability to change if you were worried that knowing you reported it would effect him. Yes he had started AA and medication but surely a big part of change is admitting what you did? What were you worried about? That he would keep drinking? Despite hitting you? It sounds like you should have separated and given him time to change alone.

The HV was negligent in not following up. Could you tell from the voicemail on your DH's phone if she thought she was speaking to you or DH?
If she lied about making contact with him and said he was spying on your phone I would make a complaint about her. That is truly dangerous behaviour.

I'm glad things are working out now. But it sounds like you weren't very confident that he could change 6 months ago. And if that is true it probably wasn't the best decision to continue to live with him.

But, @BadNomad, we don't know what OP's partner did or didn't know. He was drinking, he had punched her, he may well have been checking numbers on her phone as the OP said because he should have been well aware that she had every right to report him to the authorities. OP wasn't worried for her own safety, but for his mental health, and as it turns out he could cope absolutely fine with the knowledge that she had taken the right steps to protect herself.

But the HV should not have needed to tip him off, it should have been clear before he returned. You are deflecting blame to the HV saying she twisted things and you were worried about the effect it would have on him. If he drank or didn't take his meds it would make him worse.

Can you really not see the abusive relationship here? Walking on eggshells, worried about relapse, blaming others, putting your child at risk because you are too anxious to discuss their needs with a HV and all because of your DH?

He may have punched you one time but be honest he didn't go from a perfectly reasonable supportive husband to just one day punching you out of the blue. The DV is more than one punch. What affect are his moods and your anxiety, because of his moods, having on your child?

@Fulmine

But, @BadNomad, we don't know what OP's partner did or didn't know. He was drinking, he had punched her, he may well have been checking numbers on her phone as the OP said because he should have been well aware that she had every right to report him to the authorities. OP wasn't worried for her own safety, but for his mental health, and as it turns out he could cope absolutely fine with the knowledge that she had taken the right steps to protect herself.

The HV didn't know what he did or didn't know either when she left him the voicemail. Then she lied to the OP about doing it and said he must be spying on her. I really dont understand how anyone thinks this is ok.

@BadNomad Thank you. I'm glad someone understands. What she did could have had serious consequences. Then she tried to gaslight me into believing he was tracking me (he definitely wasn't he can hardly work a smartphone let alone track one.) He couldn't have physically accessed it because I was away.

I have no idea what police, ss and HV policies are but everything I have said here is accurate and if people can't understand why the police didn't take it further I can't help you because I don't know either. Only that they respected my wishes and understood I was safe.

I'm still going back and forth about going to the appointment or not. I think I will email and say I want the appointment but would like my named HV to be changed. Ill say it's a personality clash or something.

To those who say she was just doing her job and trying to keep me safe. If she had accidentally phoned a more volatile DH he could have got off the phone and beaten his wife unconscious or worse. Then instead of saying oh shit I made a mistake she tried to blame DH and lie her way out of it, when DH and I were trying to fix a very broken relationship. I do not want to bring my child around a woman who would act like this. I find it disgusting, clearly I am in the minority.

@MadeForThis I kicked DH out the next morning. He went and stayed in a hotel. He got an emergency doctors appointment and got anti depressants and advice on stopping drinking. Against doctors advice he hasn't had a drink since that night (doctors said to reduce alcohol intake not quit cold turkey)

We had phone conversations and in person meetings while he was living in the hotel and agreed to give the relationship another go. He moved back home after 2 weeks and the next day I took the children on holiday (a holiday planned a long time before and DH wasn't coming anyway) It was during the holiday the HV tried to contact me. So we were apart for 3 weeks. We have taken it very slowly.

The message on his phone was for me. So I am sure she just phoned the wrong number.

If she had accidentally phoned a more volatile DH he could have got off the phone and beaten his wife unconscious or worse

A more volatile one? You do realise your DH punched you so is just as volatile as any other man who physical assaults his wife?

The only impression I get from this thread is you minimising his behaviour.

I don’t think your deflected anger is about concern for other women if the HV had made that mistake with them, it’s about you being worried the issue will be bought up again and you will have to face the fact again that your husband punched you.

The fact you went to the police shoes how scared you were of him and that you didn’t think it was just a one-off because of his “issues”.

These appointments aren’t even a legal requirement OP so just don’t go and then you can put the whole thing behind you….

Anyhow, many women choose to stay with violent partners for a number of reasons and yours are that you think your husband’s temper/character can be controlled by AA and Meds. You know your husband better than anyone and if that’s what you truly believe then I hope you’re right.

Like I said, if you have no concerns about your child and he can do all the requirements of the ASQ forms then just don’t go. Save yourself the stress.

I doubt the HV will see it as a red flag though seeing as they haven’t been concerned about you or your child’s safety for the last 6 months.

It's not about you. It's your child and their safety. Frankly the HV have dropped the ball here. DV rarely goes away. DV, alcoholism and mental health issues. You need help. Accept it.

I'd say you must go to the appointment. I've read your other thread. The assault on you was serious - he punched you whilst you were holding your baby and perforated your eardrum. You were clearly frightened of him. That's why you need to engage with the health visiting service. For your sake and for your child's.

Also, please do the freedom program. I've suffered at the hands of an abuser and you're doing exactly what I did - focusing on a mistake by a professional (a probation officer in my case) as it's less painful than thinking about the assault.

The HV didn't know what he did or didn't know either when she left him the voicemail. Then she lied to the OP about doing it and said he must be spying on her. I really dont understand how anyone thinks this is ok.

But, again, @BadNomad, we don't know that she lied. For all OP knows, the HV was telling nothing but the absolute truth, i.e. that she was responding to a message from OP's husband. It may well be that he was snooping on OP's phone - goodness knows, he had good reason to believe that she might have reported his assault on her and to want to check on that.

I'd say you must go to the appointment. I've read your other thread. The assault on you was serious - he punched you whilst you were holding your baby and perforated your eardrum. You were clearly frightened of him

The fact he did this when you were holding your child makes it even worse - he didn’t even care about the safety of his child. I think it’s disgusting the police didn’t arrest him.