To be offended?

[Nazz10]

So we were at a family get together at the weekend. I have a 1 year old who was also there with us. A cousin asked me when the 2nd one is coming. I responded with 'not any time soon'. However my dad perks up and says '2nd one? They can't even cope with the 1st one'. So I said 'what do you mean? We never ask for help' and he said 'you're always at our house'. Apparently us going over to visit means we need help..

Now a little background info.. my parents live very close by. We regularly visit after dinner (maybe 2-3 times a week) just to kill an hour or 2 before little one goes to bed. Gets us out of the house and he gets to see his grandparents too... we used to do this before having our little one. Just go round for a chat and catch up. We rarely go on weekends so don't take up any of their time on their days off.

Now to me, that isn't 'always' at their house..

AIBU to be offended by his comment? I suppose the fact that he said it in front of people who we don't see often and makes us look incredibly incapable at first hand is what's bothering me most. That, along with the fact that he himself sees us as incapable parents.

He always passes comments on things we do too like not giving our little one a few Jaffa cakes at 7pm right before bed.

I'm just feeling very deflated right now and upset and anxious and I don't know what to do about it really.

I feel like I should just stop going round and not say anything if that's how they feel?

I think you should give it a miss for a while and if he says anything then say that you understood what he was trying to tell you when he said X so you are not going to take up their evenings so much.

Well it sounds like you are always at his house however by no means does that mean you can’t cope

I’d bring it up with him
privately and explain it upset you. Sounds like a misguided joke? A one year old shouldn’t be having a few Jaffa cakes before bed, it’s not his place to confront you over it really but it’s not exactly an unfair comment either. I’d go round a little less
if I were you.

My mother does stuff like this. It is very tactless and hurtful, but I think it is more about her own need to be needed than any comment on how well I can manage my own life. I would try pulling back for a bit and if they ask, say how hurtful you found his comment. I suspect that if he really is a good guy but just rather thoughtless, he will realise that that was not an okay thing to say to you.

I think he shouldnt have said it in front of other people

But you might not be making things clear when you visit about the input others are required to do/provide. Perhaps in your head you're going round to visit and enjoy their company but when you get there you present as needing some help or input? Either intentionally or unintentionally, just might be about your body language

I think his comment was probably nothing more than thoughtless.

You seem to visit more than most families, but that's not a bad thing. Nor does it indicate you aren't coping. Unless you regularly get your parents to bath the baby, feed etc.

In any cAse, maybe back off from the visits for a while.

Maybe theyre finding it hard having a little one around so often. It does sound like you are around an awful lot and as they are older (passed the baby stage) and not used to youngsters anymore, it can be hard to have that level of noise, mess and the energy it takes. I think you need to be more considerate of their time and not use them as a way to kill time before bedtime and come up with your own routine

It feels like a lot to me, the idea of someone coming to my house two or three nights a week is hell, but depends on your relaying suppose. In this situation I’d stop going for a bit to be honest or only go once per week.

DSis was at DM’s 3 x a week. DM loved seeing DGS but years later she admitted it was exhausting and she knew she was only visited so much because DSis didn’t know what to do with DS.
We regularly visit after dinner (maybe 2-3 times a week) just to kill an hour or 2 before little one goes to bed. Gets us out of the house this kind of makes it seem the same tbh. Why do you need to kill an hour or two at their house instead of doing something at yours?
maybe your DP’s would like to relax at home on their own more and don’t know how to say this?

@Unsureaboutit9 sorry, I mean that HE is trying to give him Jaffa cakes and I’m saying no. He says I’m cruel 🤷🏽‍♀️

My mum is the complete opposite. She loves us coming over (from what I can gather). I think I will just stop going over and see if they notice

When we’re there they don’t have to do anything for him. Literally nothing! He’s walking so he’s up and about and it’s always me or DH who are watching/following him to make sure he doesn’t do anything dangerous

Had he had a drink? Maybe he was showing off and thought he was being funny/clever. Tell him you were really upset by his comment and see what he says - then ask your mum if she thinks the same. Maybe they feel you coming over so often is a bit much now they're getting older? Is that possible? Or maybe the timing is awkward for them? Maybe they'd prefer Sunday afternoon for example rather than 3 evenings a week. On the other hand maybe your mum loves to see you because she has to live with your dad! I'd talk to them both about it, but it would be a shame to stop going and seeing your mum because of your dad.

Just seen your update, I think it's sad to punish your mum because of your dad :-(

Do your parents still work full time? Two/three evenings a week sounds quite a lot to me and if they’re still both working ft, maybe they just want to relax at the end of their working day & feel that they can’t if you’re all there, regardless of care etc.
Rather than just stop going, why not speak to them about it?

If someone was coming to my house 3 days a week I'd be complaining they were here all the time.

@Unsureaboutit9

I’d bring it up with him privately and explain it upset you. Sounds like a misguided joke? A one year old shouldn’t be having a few Jaffa cakes before bed, it’s not his place to confront you over it really but it’s not exactly an unfair comment either. I’d go round a little less if I were you.

He was the one who thought they should be eating Jaffa cakes!

Tbh it sounds as if you are always at their house, and as your parents they’re not likely to say that you should come round less, because you would obviously be upset about that as well.

Do you call first or do you randomly turn up several times a week at what is, let’s be honest, teatime?

When we’re there they don’t have to do anything for him. Literally nothing! He’s walking so he’s up and about and it’s always me or DH who are watching/following him to make sure he doesn’t do anything dangerous

It can be exhausting just to have people in your house though, even if you don't have to play hostess. The evening time is also when most people want to relax and just be.

Cut the visits to once per week and keep it to during the day time.

@starlingdarling

If someone was coming to my house 3 days a week I'd be complaining they were here all the time.

That someone is their own daughter and grandchild!

I'm also going today that2/3 times a week sounds a lot but you need to establish whether these visits are your need or your parents' need.

Do your parents feed you all ? How long do you stay? What times are you there? Are these visits in keeping with your child's bedtime routine?

I would have a frank conversation. I personally wouldn’t like someone coming round my house that often even if I didn’t have to do anything for them as I need my space alone. Which isn’t to say you are doing anything wrong, people are different abs need different levels of socialising so, I’d talk and say ‘do you feel we come to often? If so that’s ok, last thing I want is to take over’
maybe set a regular evening where you go round for tea or something so a longer visit, but less often.
I understand why you feel upset, but it’s nothing that cant be resolved by honest communication.

It’s different for everyone but I’d be a bit taken aback at anyone coming round to ours three times a week, even close family members whom I love.

I would be thinking — why do they actually want to be here so often? I’d find it puzzling tbh. Surely you don’t need to kill time when you have a one year old? In my memory of that age it was full on and we never had a spare second.

Start inviting your dm to pop to your house.. Leave the misery at home.

Do you think he meant it?
On one hand it's the sort of joke dads of a certain generation make sometimes, the fake moaning but love it really thing.
On the other, three times a week after they've been at work all day could be a bit much. You go there to kill time in the graveyard shift, to keep your child occupied by four adults not two, at a time when otherwise it would all be a bit boring and cranky (been there, done the same!) but maybe they don't want to entertain you that often?
I think you need to bring it up 'Dad, is it a bit much us coming so often when you've been at work? Would another time be better?'

Sorry but that is a lot to be visiting. They don't have to be doing anything physical in helping out while you're there, it's still pretty draining having people there so often. They might want to do their own thing, might not be in the humour of conversation etc a child that is mobile will always need eyes on them, even though you and your dh do this, they are probably doing it subconsciously which is tiring.

I'd cut back the visits, once a week is plenty and I'd double check with your mother that she doesn't mind you visiting, sometimes we say things are fine when they're not but we don't want to upset anyone.