To be offended?

[Nazz10]

So we were at a family get together at the weekend. I have a 1 year old who was also there with us. A cousin asked me when the 2nd one is coming. I responded with 'not any time soon'. However my dad perks up and says '2nd one? They can't even cope with the 1st one'. So I said 'what do you mean? We never ask for help' and he said 'you're always at our house'. Apparently us going over to visit means we need help..

Now a little background info.. my parents live very close by. We regularly visit after dinner (maybe 2-3 times a week) just to kill an hour or 2 before little one goes to bed. Gets us out of the house and he gets to see his grandparents too... we used to do this before having our little one. Just go round for a chat and catch up. We rarely go on weekends so don't take up any of their time on their days off.

Now to me, that isn't 'always' at their house..

AIBU to be offended by his comment? I suppose the fact that he said it in front of people who we don't see often and makes us look incredibly incapable at first hand is what's bothering me most. That, along with the fact that he himself sees us as incapable parents.

He always passes comments on things we do too like not giving our little one a few Jaffa cakes at 7pm right before bed.

I'm just feeling very deflated right now and upset and anxious and I don't know what to do about it really.

I feel like I should just stop going round and not say anything if that's how they feel?

My dad does this. Slags is off in front of other people to look big. He really thinks he's being funny. I usually counter with no problem we'll stop coming and then he has to come clean that he loves it.

It sounds like a lot of visiting tk me as well. It does read like you use them as entertainment foe your dc, rather than for your parents benefit, so yes, needing help. Also, the after dinner, before bed time is the worse time of day for a toddler. That is when they are at their worse behaviour wise and most hard work. Its a bit shitty to inflict that on your dad several days a week.

Stop going unless you are asked. Invite your mum to yours. Say you'd rather do the calm down to bed at your house and she's welcome to pop over to you.

Suggest you ask your DP how often they would like you to visit, and take it from there

Yeah he sounds like he was just making a shitty joke, some people go too far when they think they're 'bantering'. Sounds like he was just showing off. Next time just be prepared to knock him down a peg or two. Tell him his cars a bag of shit or something.

Just stopping hoping they'll notice is a bit passive aggressive OP. What happens if they or your dad prefers it? Have a grown up chat about it.

Do they work FT? It might be too much if so.

I'd stop for a week or so and see what happens. If they ask, repeat your dad's conversation.

He was very rude to make such a comment. Whether it's true or not, that's something discussed in private. On a curious level, do people visit their parents that often. What on earth do you talk about. You say you did this pre dc too? Just curious. Can't imagine dh or myself wanting to hang out at our parents as an idea of fun.

That is rude however 2/3 times a week at someone’s house IS a lot and I would assume it was a sly dig about that, I do think that’s a lot of time at someone’s house I barely go to my mums house, once a month if that, perhaps they think because you are visiting so much you are struggling?

That's the thing.. I feel like I can't have a grown up chat with him about it. He doesn't see things in other people's perspective.
For example, I was suffering with PND for a while. When I talked to them about it, his response was, just get out of the house and do stuff. I don't get why you're depressed. You've got a nice house, you're not working (maternity leave), you've got a car, you've got most things that other people don't have. Like he just doesn't get it. So I feel like I would just be wasting my breath if I told him that it upset me because he wouldn't understand why

I don't know. I think I'm just gonna leave it

It may seem a lot to some people but my parents are very family oriented and my mum is literally my best friend and vice versa. We're just a very close knitted family and always have been 🤷🏽‍♀️
If I don't go over in a few days, my mum calls and says 'are you not coming round this week?'

Doesn’t sound like it, maybe they are just use to it now so expecting you to come.

And? I’d be going round the bend if anyone came round my house just to ‘kill time’ 2-3 times every single week, it’s way too much.

OP should ‘kill time’ in her own home, it’s obviously too much for her dad.

Ok thanks all

I think 2-3 times a week is a bit much too, surely if you’re child free after dinner you just want to relax? I think that much is ok sometimes but not regularly if they are both working.

He was being a twat. I’d give him a swerve for a while and not visit at all. The weather is getting better now so maybe take the opportunity to go for an evening stroll instead? Fresh air might even make the little one sleep better?

We rarely go on weekends so don't take up any of their time on their days off

Is he working all day and then coming home to relax only to find you, DH and the baby there?

my mum is literally my best friend and vice versa

That's not healthy and is probably a reason why your father wants you to back off a bit. It sounds quite intense.

Do you not have any friends you can catch up with in the evening, even just for a video call? Or start going for a walk now the weather is improving?

@YouHaveYourFathersBreasts thanks. Yeah we've been doing just that actually. Loving the nicer weather

@sparepantsandtoothbrush not quite literally. My DH works with him. They finish work around 2-3pm. We're there around 7ish when we do go

@BobLep0nge nope. Friends all disappeared when I became a mother. Not returned to work yet and there are all new colleagues at work whom I don't know. I have a cousin I'm close with who lives close by but she has 3 kids and has a very busy life

My husband and I are retired OP, and even though we haven't been out at work during the day, we like to relax and watch the TV in the evening - probably a soap - or listen to some music with a glass of wine etc, and we often don't eat until 8 or 9 O'clock. But if any of our absolutely beloved children came around in the evening with our adored grandchild, we couldn't just ignore them, and turn the TV or music up louder so we could hear it, and we couldn't ignore them while we relaxed with our wine (maybe some families can do things like that, but not us) as it would seem very rude and selfish of us - whereas in reality it is the visitors who are being rude and selfish...

You said OP that if your little one wanders off, either you or your partner go after them. Would the DC wandering off, walk in front of it's grandparents while they were attempting to watch their TV program, and would you or your partner also walk/semi-run in front of them as well, and while you were all getting in the way of the TV, would you at least all be doing so silently?

To be honest OP, you go around there to chat don't you, and to maybe have a cuppa (with a jaffa cake that you won't let your baby have), and you hope that at least grandma will play with the little one, as you are tired, and bored with all the baby talk and activities?

Unfortunately, as the DGC gets more and more tired and grisly, granddad tries to stop them from whining with a biscuit. He is reduced to that because you are trying to chat to your mum, and your partner is trying to watch some of the snooker, and you and your partner have long since managed to block out the sounds of your tired little one grumbling, but grandma and granddad lost the ability for that technique (well actually I never managed to conquer that with my little ones in the first place!) a long, long time ago.

We are getting on now, we need to be able to relax, and to have the confidence to know that we will be able to relax. I really am sorry to be so harsh OP, and maybe your mum is a Saint and really does love it when you go around there, but if I was your mum I would probably be dreading the evenings and you all turning up again.

Please say something like this to your poor parents,
"partner's name and I have been having a chat, and we think it is better if we stop coming around here in the evenings, and get ourselves and baby into a proper routine during the week. But we obviously still want to see you two, so we were wondering if you would like to take turns hosting Sunday lunch?"

If your parents are still up to cooking a full roast dinner maybe you could suggest that you each (as a couple) cook one once a month, so that you each get a couple of full weekends to do your own thing. You could also sometimes offer for them to go over to your place on a Friday evening, and you treat the 4 of you to a fish & chip supper, and as it would be at your place, the baby could still go to bed at it's normal time, and granddad probably won't go rooting in your cupboards to give his DGC a biscuit.

Maybe he finds working with your dh, then coming home and seeing him there too a bit too much ? Even if that was the case it was rude of him to say it is that manner. What did you mum say to his comments?

Ah, JaffaCakeGate - I think you've read this the other way round to me @Unsureaboutit9 .
I thought OP's dad was the one trying to foist sugar on her kid at stupid o'clock - so it's she who is fending off his wish to feed the child, not him sensibly advising her not to ... in which case he was making a very unfair comment.

@KettrickenSmiled no it was me who misunderstood it, OP was the one trying to dodge Jaffa cakes.

Nazz, it's etirely possible your socially clumsy dad doesn't resent you coming round (at the same frequency as pre-baby, ffs!) a few evenings a week - but as he is in the habit of finding something to criticise or gainsay you about, he latched on to this as something to niggle at you with.

Because you had other visitors around, when you called him out (well done btw) maybe he doubled down so as not to feel ridiculous in front of guests. That doesn't make his asinine commentary any less offensive, but it might help you feel a bit better about how welcome you actually are.

You could navigate this by ringing before your next planned visit.
Not to make an issue, not to 'confront' (he would only double down or bluster again) - but to plainly & calmly ask if he wants you to come over. Then you can lightly allude to the fact that although you enjoy visiting, you don't want him feeling that visits are too frequent, so you'd rather make sure he's in the mood for company.

However ... given his presumed form for making undermining remarks - how much DO you enjoy these visits? If they're a duty to you, why not cut down? You don't need to keep making the running to a man who has a habit of inaccurate but cutting remarks - be that any random man, or your own dad.