To be offended?

[Nazz10]

So we were at a family get together at the weekend. I have a 1 year old who was also there with us. A cousin asked me when the 2nd one is coming. I responded with 'not any time soon'. However my dad perks up and says '2nd one? They can't even cope with the 1st one'. So I said 'what do you mean? We never ask for help' and he said 'you're always at our house'. Apparently us going over to visit means we need help..

Now a little background info.. my parents live very close by. We regularly visit after dinner (maybe 2-3 times a week) just to kill an hour or 2 before little one goes to bed. Gets us out of the house and he gets to see his grandparents too... we used to do this before having our little one. Just go round for a chat and catch up. We rarely go on weekends so don't take up any of their time on their days off.

Now to me, that isn't 'always' at their house..

AIBU to be offended by his comment? I suppose the fact that he said it in front of people who we don't see often and makes us look incredibly incapable at first hand is what's bothering me most. That, along with the fact that he himself sees us as incapable parents.

He always passes comments on things we do too like not giving our little one a few Jaffa cakes at 7pm right before bed.

I'm just feeling very deflated right now and upset and anxious and I don't know what to do about it really.

I feel like I should just stop going round and not say anything if that's how they feel?

From the sounds of what you've written, I'd assume your DF finds the frequency of your visits too much and took the opportunity to raise it in an offhand comment when responding to the question about a second baby. It's a shame he did so in a way that embarrassed or irritated you; I would also be annoyed if my parent said something similar in the company of people I don't see regularly!

I'd suggest like many other PPs to reduce or temporarily stop your visits and allow your DM to come to your home if she wants to see her grandchild. It would be interesting to hear back if your DF attends with her (which would suggest I'm wrong and he loves seeing his grandchild multiple times a week) or if he stays home while she pops round to yours on her own.

It's not something I'd get in to an argument with DF about but if you see it as a repeating pattern with digs about your parenting then definitely have at it 🤣 my DM loves a sly comment about me to her friends and it seems a lot of us have the same problem from previous posts!

My mum is the complete opposite. She loves us coming over (from what I can gather). I think I will just stop going over and see if they notice

Don't do this Nazz.
It's passive-aggressive. Tactics like this don't solve anything - communication does. You could just ring your mum, tell her about dad's comment, & ask her if she is comfortable with the frequency of visits. Let her know you don't want to impose, but you also want to enjoy her company.

Be upfront - you've done nothing wrong, & retreating into wounded silence will not get you the outcome you want.

This is the kind of passive aggressive tactic my DM would use.

I'd quietly reduce the every other day visits to perhaps once a week, and limit them to an hour or so.

Let your DM know she's welcome to pop in any time to see your DC and she can leave the grump at home.

My husband’s cousins were always at his Aunt’s house, and they looked after the daughter a couple of days a week too. The party line was that everyone loved it and it was a really good set up. But speaking to his uncle privately he found it hard to deal with and hated seeing his wife struggling with it but saying nothing.

You could just ring your mum, tell her about dad's comment, & ask her if she is comfortable with the frequency of visits. Let her know you don't want to impose, but you also want to enjoy her company.

Mum isn’t going to say it’s a problem. Mums never do.

My mother keeps telling people that my kids live at her place more than ours. She takes them once a month over night for a date night and sometimes if i have an appointment.
she has been babysitting my niece 2 full days a week when my sister works. On top of that she takes her for overnights etc. as well. Shes never made a comment like that about her.
When i dont call my mum for 3 days she comments on us being strangers. Theres just no pleasing her. I ignore the comments and keep asking for childcare. If it really bothered her i guess she would say so (ive told her many times to tell me if its too much, then she always quickly promises she loves having them)

@Springdaisy yes!!! They have another grandson a year older than my son (their 1st grandson). He stays over some weekends, is there every weekend without fail and some nights in the week after they pick him up from childcare. My brother is always asking them to have him overnight so they can have a break (most times they do say no), parents let him run around the house while they just sit on the couch. But me going to visit them so they don't have to come to me renders me unable to cope apparently

Then maybe OP will take up the excellent advice from several PP's to have the conversation, reduce the visits, & invite her mum to call round to hers instead, as often as mum wishes to.

PS my mum would have had no problem with saying it's a problem!

I think your Dad either made a very poorly judged joke comment or it was passive aggressive. Each family is different but I think this is a lot of visiting and agree with everything @TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek posted. I say that because of your own language: you've had PND, many of your friends have been lost and you're 'killing time' in the evening. Why do you need to 'kill time'? Are you struggling to be in the house all day or are there issues with your DP where you can't chat etc. 2-3 days out of 5 during the week is really a lot.

Your dad handled this badly so don't do what he did and become passive aggressive back - adult to adult conversation.

I know that the adult conversation would just end in them saying 'don't be daft I was only joking. Don't take it that way. You're welcome any time'. And then that's no better for them is it 🤷🏽‍♀️ they're not ones for confrontation. Hence the reason I said I would just not go round. Then if they really are bothered by me going round then they won't ask me why I haven't been. But if they really do want us to go then they will ask IYSWIM

I would not go for a few days. If they ask why I'd say oh I didn't want to bother you. And wait to be invited.

OP, why don't you do as a few posters have suggested and invite your mum round one evening?

It sounds as though you've got a lovely family set up with you and your DB having such close relationships with your parents.

But it does sound a bit full on for them.

They don't seem to get much of a break from having family around.

Maybe your dad just wants a bit of time where he and your mum can just be a couple rather than parents! Maybe they'd like some spontaneous sex, freedom to row, chance to go to the pub one eve, leave the dishes in the sink after dinner without worrying if they'll be seen by guests, pursue a hobby, whatever.

Don't go passive aggressive so that they end up asking you to visit. Just reduce your visits to once or twice a week and see how it goes?

Don't listen to posters saying your mum shouldn't be your best friend. Why the hell shouldn't she be if you get on? I'm close with my family. People on here just like to have jabs at the OP no matter the situation. Anyway, I would stop going and when they notice I'd let your mum sort your dad and his big mouth out. I don't think it's passive aggressive to react to a hurtful comment he's made.

2/3 times a week to kill time at theirs with a toddler is a lot, yes.

So conversation had.. not planned. Mum video called this morning and I just burst into tears when she said 'you look knackered'. So I talked to her about what had happened last weekend etc. (she wasn't around when he said it so had no idea) and I said I'm not sure if he actually thinks we're shit parents or he's being passive aggressive to tell me that he doesn't want us over as much. The reason why I was upset is because I felt guilty it may be the latter and that all this time he didn't want to say anything.
Long story short, she was livid. Had a conversation with my dad who was apparently mortified that I took it that way as he was 'only messing'. He cried apparently. Not sure why. Maybe because he felt bad that he had upset me.
Dad called me and apologised that his comment made me feel that way and hopes that it didn't make me feel that he doesn't want us to go round there because he loves us going round.

Either way we're still going to back off from now on I think (when I told mum this she said no you can come round every night of the week if you wanted to - but I'm not convinced really)

Invite them to you. See if that helps.

In your dc's defence maybe he said it in a oh op still needs us way. Worried that you don't maybe? Which given how much your db relies on them means he feels you don't...

Its not funny to imply someone isn't coping though 🙄
Though I suppose the ideal return would have been to pat his hand and say "of course dad, it's not at all to check on you in your dottage"

Well thank goodness your mum video called you OP.

You would benefit from contemplating how much better an outcome you have just achieved through communication than you would have got from a pass-agg withdrawal.

Communication means that instead of bottling & stewing on our feelings (which tends to exaggerate them & allows us to lose focus on the other person's point of view) - we release them. So sometimes it's awkward.
But it's an honest awkward, & allows people to express themselves truthfully.

You poor old dad, shedding a tear - I had a feeling he wasn't genuinely miserable about your visits. Now he's mortified that his joke went too far, & his poor DD was also tearful. Can you see how much better this is - honestly out in the open - than you feeling resentful & misunderstood?

Your instinct to reduce the visits a bit is sound btw.
But make sure to remember to COMMUNICATE that so your daft dad doesn't start imagining you are punishing him!

Agree with PP you also need to host more often. That allows mum/dad to visit together or either of them opt out if they want their own downtime.
It has another benefit too - you get to re-set this dynamic of feeling that dad viewed you as needy or incapable.
You are the matriarch of your own household now, so start acting it :) If you follow in the footsteps of your mum, who is clearly a warm-hearted woman who knows how to communicate & stop petty spats in their tracks, you will be a great one.

Yes, it would have been - it's the perfect, jovial response :)

But we all learn stuff as we go along. OP is navigating the new dynamic of being a mother and a daughter, & this initially upsetting incident is a great learning opportunity.

Now she feels reassured that she IS loved & welcome, maybe she'll be better set-up to meet her dad's joking Mr Curmudgeon act with the teasing it deserves. I think he'll like that.

Also ... brava, OP's mum!

To me it sounds like you go there too much. My parents aren't very handson with my son and I would never see them that often, it's exhausting for them. You say it's to kill time.. therefore sounds like you have nothing better to do!

My dad does the same re chocolate or crap food and says 'oh you starve the poor boy!'

He doesn't want you there three times a week. I'm sure he loves you all, but it is quite a lot, even just for an hour at a time. I'd scale it back and check before going.

So what more do you want from them OP? Your dad makes a joke, it goes the wrong way, when he finds out he's upset to tears, apologises, and both parents are practically begging you to carry on as normal. Yet you're still going to 'back off' because he 'wasn't very nice'?
Seriously, you're just sulking now, and being unfair. You don't want to stop going anymore than they want you to, you just want to punish your dad a little bit more.
You do realise that the set up you've got there with a close family like that, and parents who clearly adore you, is living the dream for a lot of people? Don't spoil it for everyone by making a three act tragedy out of a poor joke.

Glad you've kind of got it sorted @Nazz10 but I do suspect your dad DID mean what he said (if only a little bit.) And he got upset because he was called out on it.

I think going to theirs 2-3 times a week for 2 hours is a bit too often. I would find that too much tbh, and this may have been his way of sneakily saying it. I would go a little bit less now if I were you. Maybe once one week, twice the next week, once the next, twice the next and so on.......