To be offended?

[Nazz10]

So we were at a family get together at the weekend. I have a 1 year old who was also there with us. A cousin asked me when the 2nd one is coming. I responded with 'not any time soon'. However my dad perks up and says '2nd one? They can't even cope with the 1st one'. So I said 'what do you mean? We never ask for help' and he said 'you're always at our house'. Apparently us going over to visit means we need help..

Now a little background info.. my parents live very close by. We regularly visit after dinner (maybe 2-3 times a week) just to kill an hour or 2 before little one goes to bed. Gets us out of the house and he gets to see his grandparents too... we used to do this before having our little one. Just go round for a chat and catch up. We rarely go on weekends so don't take up any of their time on their days off.

Now to me, that isn't 'always' at their house..

AIBU to be offended by his comment? I suppose the fact that he said it in front of people who we don't see often and makes us look incredibly incapable at first hand is what's bothering me most. That, along with the fact that he himself sees us as incapable parents.

He always passes comments on things we do too like not giving our little one a few Jaffa cakes at 7pm right before bed.

I'm just feeling very deflated right now and upset and anxious and I don't know what to do about it really.

I feel like I should just stop going round and not say anything if that's how they feel?

I regret my 'oversensitivity' everyday. Believe me. Do you really think I WANTED to take that to heart? You have no idea who I am, what I have done, or how I feel so quit adding to the drama and scroll past. Some people just literally have nothing else better to do than to make people feel shitty, clearly.

Mumsnet is full of people who get a buzz off making people feel like the worst person in the world.

Literally nothing! He’s walking so he’s up and about and it’s always me or DH who are watching/following him to make sure he doesn’t do anything dangerous

This is pretty disruptive to someone's life 2 or 3 times a week. Just when you thought the kids were gone and settled! Also the fact that you need to 'fill in time' for a couple of hours suggests you are quite needy of your parents help to 'fill in time'. I can imagine they might want a bit more peace.

@EggBurger there are updates. Issue resolved

My mum would have loved to see us too. I think your dad was just showing off a bit . Stop going for a few nights and see what happens but don’t hurt your mum. Now it’s light at night could you take the little one to the park sometimes.

You go round there to kill a few hours? Thats not exactly polite either.

If you regret your oversensitivity then do something about it

We as a couple never go out. EVER.

Hmm …

You know, perhaps if you and your partner arranged a babysitter once in a while and went out, you’d find life more entertaining and would have new things to talk about. Maybe you could take up a hobby? That way, evenings at home would be precious, and you wouldn’t feel the need to ‘kill time’.

Because honestly, parents who boast of never going out can come across as quite martyr-ish. And dull.

@godmum56 someone's obviously not a morning person. We're there for an hour. Most times it's 2 nights a week. The third one is if they need me to do something or pick up/drop something off

I would love to do something about it. Believe me. You obviously have no idea what it's like to be sensitive. I've always been like that as a person. Everyone in my family knows that.

I don't boast that. Why would I boast that?
We don't like asking for help so it's never going to happen unless someone offers.
We get enjoyment out of our own life at home. We have a lovely home set up and just generally enjoy each other's company

You gave your parents ample opportunity to tell you they wanted you to reduce the visits and they did the exact opposite.

The OP burst into tears at the outset in the conversation. That’s not giving her parents the opportunity to be honest, it’s stacking the conversation in her favour through emotional means. I doubt her parents were going to be honest, faced with someone crying. I have longstanding experience of a family member who is “sensitive” and says that’s just the way they are - in fact, that trait very much works to their advantage (and at the expense of everyone else) and they have no incentive to try to change. I think the OP is right to back off.

“Hard work” is the phrase my mum uses about those who are self-declared “sensitive people”

😂

Thanks for being helpful guys 👍🏼

Basically I'm a horrible person for not being able to toughen up and take things with a pinch of salt 👍🏼 makes me feel much better thanks

You can't help being sensitive OP, but I do think there's a responsibility to try and manage it when you've identified it as a personality trait. One way to do that is to allow people who've upset you to reassure you. These are your own parents, but instead of believing them, you're being influenced to think your dad did mean it by a bunch of strangers who've never met him.
People on here advise based on how they would feel. A lot of people don't have families where this type of contact is the norm, and so are telling you he means it based on the fact that THEY would mean it.
I come from a family like yours and was like you with my DPs. Now my DC are like it with me. And while we might have a little moan now and again, jokey or otherwise, we wouldn't change a thing really. A lot of people don't get that, so are telling you there's a problem that may not exist.
That said, you know your dad and should be best placed to judge whether there was anything in it or not. Personally I think if you weren't welcome, you'd have picked up other signals prior to his joke.

Well, nobody has said that, you're just choosing to take offence 🙄

Then tell your mum to come over to yours and tell her your concerns. My Dad is like this too. Likes to show off infront of ours at my expense.

"We regularly visit after dinner (maybe 2-3 times a week) just to kill an hour or 2 before little one goes to bed." your words copy pasted.

and yeah what @WeOnlyTalkAboutBruno said......

So has your Dad apologised for the 'you cant cope' spiel ?

@5128gap yeah I've started to realise that now.
I didn't actually identify the personality trait myself. My family point it out to me like 'oh you're just very sensitive' and 'I'm sure they didn't mean it that way' etc if I'm discussing something with them that has bothered me (could be something at work or something) and they often say I overthink things. So I've come to realise overtime that that's how I am.
Thank you. You're right. I'm sure there would be other signs prior to that and with me being 'over sensitive' I'm sure I would have picked up on that at the time (which I haven't)