To be offended?

[Nazz10]

So we were at a family get together at the weekend. I have a 1 year old who was also there with us. A cousin asked me when the 2nd one is coming. I responded with 'not any time soon'. However my dad perks up and says '2nd one? They can't even cope with the 1st one'. So I said 'what do you mean? We never ask for help' and he said 'you're always at our house'. Apparently us going over to visit means we need help..

Now a little background info.. my parents live very close by. We regularly visit after dinner (maybe 2-3 times a week) just to kill an hour or 2 before little one goes to bed. Gets us out of the house and he gets to see his grandparents too... we used to do this before having our little one. Just go round for a chat and catch up. We rarely go on weekends so don't take up any of their time on their days off.

Now to me, that isn't 'always' at their house..

AIBU to be offended by his comment? I suppose the fact that he said it in front of people who we don't see often and makes us look incredibly incapable at first hand is what's bothering me most. That, along with the fact that he himself sees us as incapable parents.

He always passes comments on things we do too like not giving our little one a few Jaffa cakes at 7pm right before bed.

I'm just feeling very deflated right now and upset and anxious and I don't know what to do about it really.

I feel like I should just stop going round and not say anything if that's how they feel?

💐 at least it's all out in the open and said. I honestly don't believe in any way they don't love you -I'd absolutely hate someone coming to mine that often, however much I loved them. Its more to do with me than them! I just like my space and peace and quiet and not having to entertain. Hope you are OK.

@5128gap

So what more do you want from them OP? Your dad makes a joke, it goes the wrong way, when he finds out he's upset to tears, apologises, and both parents are practically begging you to carry on as normal. Yet you're still going to 'back off' because he 'wasn't very nice'?
Seriously, you're just sulking now, and being unfair. You don't want to stop going anymore than they want you to, you just want to punish your dad a little bit more.
You do realise that the set up you've got there with a close family like that, and parents who clearly adore you, is living the dream for a lot of people? Don't spoil it for everyone by making a three act tragedy out of a poor joke.

Except the OP's dad was not 'joking.'

'Only messing' means i was only joking.

@5128gap I'm really not sulking at all. Honestly, I'm actually feeling relieved but as I said, my reason for backing off is because im not entirely convinced; meaning I think there probably is an underlying issue with the visits otherwise it wouldn't have been said, joking or not. Not entirely where I don't go to visit at all but just make it once a week. I don't want anything more from them? I was simply updating those who were giving words of support. The last thing I want to do is punish my dad. If I wanted to do that I wouldn't have accepted his apology. You're incredibly judgemental and just making assumptions when you obviously have no idea.

You sound very naïve @5128gap

I hate to break this to you, but just because someone says they were 'only joking' or 'only messing' that does not necessarily mean they WERE only joking/messing about.

Indeed, I strongly believe the OP's dad was NOT 'only joking.' People rarely are in cases like this. If I were the OP I would pull back the visits a bit too, because there's many a true word spoken in 'jest.'

People very rarely mean absolutely nothing when they make a sarcastic or cruel remark, and 'I was only joking' is the bollocks they spout to try and save face when they're called out, and/or the recipient is offended. And then the offended person then gets accused of being childish, or 'sulking' when they understandably react to the rude comment.

You gave your parents ample opportunity to tell you they wanted you to reduce the visits and they did the exact opposite. Not sure how much more reassurance they could offer you tbh. I might be making assumptions, but believe it or not, I'm trying to be supportive of you too. I had a similar family set up, and it's worth a lot. I just think it's a shame to let it be spoiled over this. They'll know why you're backing off, and i would guess your mum will be livid again and your dad will be upset. If you really think its best to reduce visits, I'd do it gradually so they don't directly associate it with this.

If someone's at an age where their own days of baby care are long over, then they might find it a bit tiring having a baby/toddler in the house three nights a week, after dinner and just at the time when they're wanting to put their feet up. I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong, especially as your mum loves it, but I think you're probably at your parents' house more frequently than most people would be.

Obviously it's hard without knowing tone of voice, but seeing your dad's comments written down, I would have just interpreted them as being lighthearted and jokey, to be honest. Just a 'Blimey, I'm getting too old this!' sort of thing. I think it's easy to forget, when you're at the age of having small kids, how full-on it might seem to someone who hasn't been around babies for the last 30 years or something.

It may be he meant a bit but not to actually be nasty, because you are there a lot. You could almost be my sil and the running joke is that she may as move back in because she’s is there so much, if her dp is away over night she’s there for dinner and bed because the line everyone else uses is that she can’t cope alone. She would say for company or just that her and her mum get on so well but she really does come across as needing her hand holding with her children.

if you dad works with your dh it’s a double whammy seeing him so much too. Maybe offer to meet up with mum for a coffee or a walk. Drop a text to both even going to go for a walk around (lake/park) if you fancy joining. So it’s not always their house.

Jesus give them a break and go and "kill some hours" minding your kids somewhere else. It can be so tiresome having visitor that many times a week when they are just wanting to relax after dinner

@5128gap thank you for trying to be supportive of me but your original post certainly came across that you was insinuating I was being selfish and spiteful which isn't the case. Going round once a week will not seem like I'm backing off to them because, although I stated I visit 2-3 times a week, that third visit is actually if they've asked me to do something for them or I need to pick up/drop something off so we would just make a visit out of it. I don't think they would notice that much. And if they do and question it I can just be like, sorry we've been really busy this week (which has happened and been true a few times in the past)

Anyhow, thank you all for your suggestions and for those genuinely being supportive. The matter is resolved

Have you considered that it may be the timing of your visits rather than the visits themselves?

Maybe your dad just feels he's getting a bit too old to spend his evenings with a toddler in the house and wants to just enjoy some peace and quiet after work instead.

It reads to me like he's getting a little bit resentful of how much of his free time is taken up with children and grandchildren - I mean, when do your parents get a chance to do things just the two of them, or to go out with their friends without having family coming over?

OP you are right to reduce the visiting, its not sulking or being passive aggressive (how people love to throw around these terms quite incorrectly)

It shows you've thought about how to manage your time and your own household and act with less intensity and enmeshment in another persons household

Don't suddenly stop going round.your mum will ask why,you'll tell her what dad said,an argument or embarrassment will follow.
instead be adult about it and calmly,in a friendly manner sit down with them both and ask if your frequent visits are too much.encourage them to be honest.🌈

Strange post really, you’ve suggested others have been rude saying the OP is sulking, but then actually left a pretty rude comment yourself. She has been reassured her parents want her around, I can see why she may want to hang back but intense and enmeshment is a little harsh really.

I do think it's always been quite common for young parents with very young children to take the children to 'nan and grandads' - not only to 'visit' but also to occupy and entertain them, as young children can be very full on and hard work. Even the ones who are 'good' and quite well behaved.

My cousins (as adults,) and also some of my friends, frequently visited their parents with their children, with the 'they wanted to come to nan and grandads' line. In reality sometimes they brought them to occupy them, and for a bit of a break. Sometimes, my auntie(s) would take them for a walk or my uncle(s) would take them to play footie, or to feed the ducks. My parents occasionally did the same with mine when I visited.

Nothing wrong with that, because (as I said) looking after young children is hard work and demanding, and it was common for families to help each other if one of them was struggling. And my extended family enjoyed having the much younger family members around.

I do think it's sad indictment of society, that some grandparents regard their adult children and grandchildren visiting 2 or 3 times a week for a couple of hours as a nuisance and an 'intrusion.' My aunts and uncles (and my own parents) just LOVED seeing their grandchildren, and would play with them for hours sometimes.

These 'grandparents' should be careful with their rudeness towards their adult children, and giving them the cold shoulder (and sarcastic demeaning remarks) when they come, because they may get what they wish for. One day their adult children may think 'well they don't seem too arsed about me OR their grandchildren, so why am I bothering to stay around here?' And they may leave the area.

Growing up in a friendly, family-orientated community, where kids played together all the time, cousins often visited, (and went out to play with me and my brother and our friends,) and grandchildren frequently went to their grandparents homes (and were welcomed,) I can't get my head round the 'maybe they don't WANT you and your kids around 2 or 3 times a week' attitude.

I mean, FFS, it's not like the OP is stuck there 4-5 hours a day every day!

Some people are becoming curmudgeonly, even with their own children! No wonder so many older people are so lonely now if this thread is anything to go by. Probably because many of them made their adult children and grandchildren so unwelcome over the years.

I think dads, particularly those of a certain age, don’t apply filters or social niceties. But your two or three visits a week with a one year old are probably exhausting and they may genuinely wonder why you are always there and not at home. It may look like you can’t cope. Why can’t you “kill time” in your own home? Rather than get the huff about it, why don’t you reassess what you are doing, most people would find your frequent visits tiring and bordering an invasion of privacy.

It sounds more he was making a ‘dad joke’. Albeit not very sensitive though!

LOVE this! 🙌🏻

Genuinely sounds like your dad is not too happy with the frequency of your visits. Between you/DC and your brother’s DC, it must feel like they’ve children around a lot.
I think I your decision to visit no more than once a week is a good one.

Everyone is different. Some grandparents don’t want their grandchildren around all the time and that’s right. Some elderly people are childless and not lonely.

Its probably better if you dont read into people's posts things that someone hasnt said. I havent suggested others have been rude at all, Ive suggested they were using terms incorrectly and they dont apply.

Don’t make the mistake of assuming that the grandparents are always honoured and delighted by the presence of your child. I know many grandparents who of course love the bones of their grandkids, but the constant requests for free childcare or “could you just…” pick them up from school etc has gradually make them into a burden. Of course they would rather pass away than let on to the parents that they feel that way.

I’d hate for my children to become a burden on anyone. So I don’t rely on anyone else to look after them or entertain them for me other than a night out once every six months.

@WeOnlyTalkAboutBruno they don't look after him or entertain him (not that I've asked anyway.. any entertaining is done off their own accord). We as a couple never go out. EVER. And we're ok with that. We don't rely on anyone to babysit. My mum offered to have him sleep over at hers when he was around 8 weeks old so that we could catch up on sleep as we had a very stressful week back then. The offer was nice and she had him overnight. They enjoyed it. And I know they enjoy it because they take lots of pictures and often post them on social media. But I've not once asked for them to have him overnight. They have offered but I have kindly declined. My brother on the other hand is a different story