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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a gut feeling that a man I just met is "the one"?

142 replies

gelatodipistacchio · 19/04/2022 21:54

I don't like most men.

The first time we met, I had an instant feeling that he should be my boyfriend. We have now been on 5 dates and we both seem to be head over heels (while not rushing).

I still feel firmly that we will have a serious LTR.

Do you believe in gut feelings/instincts? AIBU to have this intense, instinctive belief?

OP posts:
StaceysmomandIhavegotitgoinon · 20/04/2022 11:06

I have heard other people say it over the years but until it happened to me I did not believe it. I literally fell head over heels for my boyfriend on our first date and he felt the same. There was just this really strong connection and still is and from the start we both knew it was more than lust. We were both single over a decade when we met, had gone on dates and things prior but never connected with anyone else. This feels totally different for us both so yes, I do believe it can happen and when you know, you know.

peachgreen · 20/04/2022 11:12

Thank you @Hillsmakeyoustrong - I miss him terribly but I'm so glad that I got to love him and be with him, even though it wasn't for as long as I would have liked. But forever wouldn't have been long enough.

BitOutOfPractice · 20/04/2022 11:18

I’ve had that feeling yes. It is intoxicating. But he most definitely wasn’t “the one”. This thread is full of people saying “oh yes and we’ve been married 104 years now” but that is a self-selecting sample. Be cautious and keep your eyes and ears open. Good luck though!

RiverRats · 20/04/2022 11:22

I knew the first time I met DH. I still can’t explain it to this day.

SVRT19674 · 20/04/2022 11:51

I had this gut feeling for someone many moons ago, it was like in Four Weddings and a Funeral, Thunderbolt city! We didn´t end up together but I have never felt that about anyone else. Probably a good thing.
I have also noticed that you may consider someone the love of your life or he/she that got away but they don´t regard you in the same way and viceversa. I went out with the second cousin of a my best friend for a short time and he has spent the best of 30 years asking her about me. He left me, we were very young, because he was falling and didnt want to. They don´t see each other that much, but he always asks. She never told me this until recently. He married some time ago a lady with the same first name as me and called his daughter that too. Think a very early 70s name which you rarely hear nowadays. He was also delighted when my friend told him that by some weird turns of fortune we now live again in the same city. I think this is what happens when you don´t get someone out of your system.
I also had a gut feeling when I was a teen that I would only have one baby, and it would be a boy. She is a girl, so got that one wrong too!

Itshonestlynotthathard · 20/04/2022 11:55

Is this the electrician you started a thread about having a massive crunch on a couple of months ago?

Itshonestlynotthathard · 20/04/2022 11:56

Crush!!!

Hillsmakeyoustrong · 20/04/2022 11:56

@peachgreen ❤️

Itshonestlynotthathard · 20/04/2022 11:58

Or perhaps the co worker that you started another thread on about feeling massively attracted to him and whether you should make a move?

Original poster
gelatodipistacchio · 20/04/2022 11:59

@Itshonestlynotthathard nope, not the electrician! He's very dreamy and kind, and I (unusually) felt attracted to him, but I think he's married and probably too young.

I met this guy on Bumble. He's more appropriate in many ways!

OP posts:
Original poster
gelatodipistacchio · 20/04/2022 12:01

@Itshonestlynotthathard I don't really understand why you are dredging up my posting history? It's not apparently relevant?

OP posts:
Itshonestlynotthathard · 20/04/2022 12:02

I was wondering whether you’d got together with the co worker you started a thread about being utterly “into”
or whether to make a move on the electrician you fancied the pants off

i was just seeing whether this guy was one of them?!

Original poster
gelatodipistacchio · 20/04/2022 12:39

@Itshonestlynotthathard oh - no! This is a shocking instance of meeting someone from OLD whom I actually like!

OP posts:
youlightupmyday · 20/04/2022 13:27

I met my guy OLD too. After various false starts 🤣

colouringindoors · 20/04/2022 13:34

@gelatodipistacchio sadly he didn't feel the same 😪

LadyCordeliaFitzgerald · 20/04/2022 13:39

I was completely cynical about this until I experienced it with dh, and I was very disappointed in myself and quite wary for a long time. I never felt anything remotely like it with other men despite plenty of attraction, lust and unrequited love.

I’m still deeply sceptical about it when other people say it and would never advise rushing into a relationship on that basis.

15 years later he’s still the one.

Repetitivebeats · 20/04/2022 13:53

I had this once while doing OLD, a bit jaded and fed up, and there he was on Tinder. From the start, we just clicked, talked for hours, like I always knew him etc etc. We had 4 magical dates which were an amazing mix of being incredibly comfortable and incredibly new and exciting. It was like nothing I've experienced before. I honestly believed I met my soul mate and fallen in love at first sight.
Then he pretty much ghosted me. The whole thing fell apart once he realised that he actually wasn't ready for a relationship (having recently split up) and he treated me quite badly. Looking back, I realise that he wasn't actually quite as amazing as I thought he was! I'm still not entirely sure what that feeling of "just knowing" was, other than we had a really similar sense of humour, and backgrounds which meant we had loads to talk about, and we just got swept up in the romance of it all. Until real life intervened and the bubble burst.

DarkCorner · 20/04/2022 14:00

Ah, I love all the lovely stories!

The only man I've ever really had that feeling about, it turned out (I'm 99% sure), he was using some weird NLP "techniques" to try and get me onside. He carried on OLD but claimed he wasn't and strung me along. Luckily I realised after a couple of months and only a few dates and ditched him. Had to block him as he kept messaging and a few months ago, 7 years down the line from the time I had with him, he got a new number and messaged me again so I had to block again.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 20/04/2022 14:12

That's what I thought as soon as I met my ex husband, like you I wasn't really interested in men.
He was an epic twat and eventually ran away with another woman.
It was lust and also I projected my fantasy man onto him and he turned out absolutely not to be my fantasy man.
Use your head as well as your heart and see how it goes.
Don't ignore any warning signs or red flags.

Original poster
gelatodipistacchio · 20/04/2022 15:31

Eek! There are some frightening cautionary tales here.

The reason that I like this guy is because I have been watching his behaviours and looking for signs that he is boundary-pushing, entitled, selfish, etc, and so far I haven't seen any.

The only possibly concerning interaction was when I told him about my ex keeping our enormous, glamorous house, and then a few minutes later, he said, "so, you lived in x kind of house, eh?" Then when I responded negatively ("why would you ask this? It was very upsetting"), he said that he was sorry, he hadn't thought the question through properly to consider its potential impact on me. (Maybe this could some sort of technique designed to take me down a peg?)

These scary stories are good for keeping my head out of the clouds, though it's sobering to have to face the idea that maybe I am being taken in by a dishonest person.

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 20/04/2022 15:35

I also know my husband was the one as soon as we met. When you click, you click!

Fairislefandango · 20/04/2022 15:40

YABU. Obviously there are cases of it turning out well, but a) It's a kind of confirmation bias - I'm sure people conveniently forget all the times they thought somebody was 'the one' and it didn't work out b) I don't believe there's any such thing as 'the one'and c) I think people who fall hook, line and sinker as quickly as that, or who buy the whole 'the one' narrative are probably much more likely than average to end up in relationships with love-bombing narcissists.

WildFlowerBees · 20/04/2022 15:45

As soon as I met my dh I knew, don't know why I just did 16 years later and we're still really happy.

thebeespyjamas · 20/04/2022 17:40

If you know what you want in a partner and he is able to provide that for you then that's a brilliant start.

The initial feeling of infatuation is nothing to go on though.

I think it's a bit more complicated if you want children. Do you both want to own a home? Do you both have the same views on parenting? Do you both agree on dietary choices, outlook on life, philosophies you will pass down?

These are the things that are important and the things that will make up your family life.

MrsKHunt · 20/04/2022 17:48

I knew that we would get married , never believed it before but it was the strongest feeling ever
been married well over 30 years now and fingers crossed still going strong despite people saying it wouldn’t last

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