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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - Rude Date

135 replies

cjhealy · 19/04/2022 16:46

Hi all,

I went on a date (wish I hadn't now!) with a man. It was our second date. All was going well and we were walking towards my usual car park on a nice sunny day. I was thankfully going to go home at this point. It was just such a nice day that we continued walking post-food.

As we were walking, a woman was walking towards us; so I moved across the pavement a bit to let her pass. She looked dazed and distraught and was holding a flower. Within a second of her passing us; this man I was with said (far too loudly) 'GOD, WHAT'S UP WITH HERRRR?! CHEER UP!' He didn't say it directly to her, but rather in my direction. Still though; I thought it was so rude. She was clearly still within earshot.

I told him she might have suffered a bereavement/just attended a funeral/received bad news etc... you just don't know. I don't see why he felt the need to comment/somewhat shout it out loud. For what purpose?!

I've always hated men who have said things like 'Cheer up, love!' or 'Smile! It might never happen!' so I admit I am sensitive to comments like this. It was also the second date with someone - (who happens to be the first person I've been remotely interested in since my partner passed away).

I went home and just relaxed - but still mad. He has since texted me (today) with: "You still in a strop? I was only joking darling!" I haven't responded and don't think I will.

I honestly don't want to see him again. AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:

Shitandhills · 21/04/2022 22:03

@KettrickenSmiled that analogy is gold 😁😂

MightyFishwife · 21/04/2022 22:06

Congrats on dodging a massive knob-shaped bullet, OP x

KettrickenSmiled · 21/04/2022 22:10

@Shitandhills it must have somehow appealed to your scatalogical moniker, you filthly beast ... also thank you 😎

Am so over being told that women ought to be grateful to be taken on a shit date by a shit man, & the punishment for being un-delighted by his shit is ... gasp! The Hellish Curse Of Singledom!!

KettrickenSmiled · 21/04/2022 22:17

massive knob-shaped bullet is outstanding @MightyFishwife

PS long ago, in the mists of m'youth, a chap called me a fishwife.
I was, as stated, young, hence much sharper than of late, & replied with some asperity:
"That's Ms Fish to you my lad."

Chap had the grace to laugh & look abashed.
The chap OP had the misfortune to date would not have. He'd have doubled down & banged on about no sense of humour/too sensitive/in a strop/etc.

Life's too short to waste on men who refuse to get it.

marmite14 · 21/04/2022 22:26

You sound lovely and aware of other peoples emotions / feeling. He sounds insensitive and yes, rude. I think you can do better.

Mamanyt · 22/04/2022 00:06

Oh, HAY-ELL no. I reserve the right to be "in a strop" over someone's rudeness for as long as I like, and to tell them so in no uncertain terms. And "darling" added to a message like that is just condescending. Good job you found this out two dates in, and not two MONTHS in.

ParisNoir · 22/04/2022 06:58

KettrickenSmiled · 21/04/2022 21:39

FFS.

If only the "one & only negative" (spoiler - it was 2) wasn't such a corker it outweighed the good stuff.

No amount of making me "smile & laugh & feel good" would be enough to put up with the 2 giant misogyny-indicating red flags this character was waving.
And being characterised as "permanently single looking for Mr Right" because I have standards is 1) inaccurate & 2) avoiding the happy fact than many men & women are perfectly content not to succumb to the social construct that 'partnered up' is automatically preferable to singledom.

If I made you a delicious sandwich with all your favourite ingredients, & served it up to you on a picnic blanket by sunny riverbank with a good glass of wine, you'd probably find that a nice date, & eat the sandwich.
If we did it again on the second date, but this time I inserted just the tiniest - no more than 1%! - sliver of shit into your sandwich - would you focus on the thoughtful picnic blanket, the lovely riverbank, the glass of wine ... & eat the sandwich?
After all - 99% of the sandwich is just as delicious as always!

Of course you bloody wouldn't.
You'd bin the lot, & exit the date sharpish, because you had accidentally dated a twat.

OP doesn't need to date twats, or be berated for dumping & blocking them.

Show quote history

Superb analogy and I totally agree. Its not about expecting perfect, its about the fact that if you ignore these subtle but concerning red flags right at the beginning they usually escalate into giant red flags later. This leaves you annoyed at yourself for wasting precious time on an idiot who now feels comfortable showing you his repulsive misogynistic tendencies because when he first started showing you who he was you said nothing and he thought it was fine.

pinkyredrose · 22/04/2022 09:08

Psychofortruth · 21/04/2022 21:20

Geez and I wonder why so many middle aged and every other women struggle to find a man and are permanently single looking for Mr Right...

So his reaction was a bit awkward, you seemed to like him before that and you may like every other thing about him, based on one moment out of many you choose to single out the one and only negative..

Before you completely make up your mind sit and think about the positives, how many times did he make your smile or laugh, before that did he make you feel good about yourself?

You're a man aren't you?

Madamum18 · 22/04/2022 14:21

You are wise to leave it be. He is clearly not a personality that you are on the same wave length as and quite honestly his behaviour, including his text comments to you re being in a strop etc, highlight an obnoxiousness/disrespectfulness that you can do without

RoseyRed49 · 29/04/2022 23:05

I know a cjhealy in Alabama. She was a sweet girl who worked her butt off!

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