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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Rude Date

135 replies

cjhealy · 19/04/2022 16:46

Hi all,

I went on a date (wish I hadn't now!) with a man. It was our second date. All was going well and we were walking towards my usual car park on a nice sunny day. I was thankfully going to go home at this point. It was just such a nice day that we continued walking post-food.

As we were walking, a woman was walking towards us; so I moved across the pavement a bit to let her pass. She looked dazed and distraught and was holding a flower. Within a second of her passing us; this man I was with said (far too loudly) 'GOD, WHAT'S UP WITH HERRRR?! CHEER UP!' He didn't say it directly to her, but rather in my direction. Still though; I thought it was so rude. She was clearly still within earshot.

I told him she might have suffered a bereavement/just attended a funeral/received bad news etc... you just don't know. I don't see why he felt the need to comment/somewhat shout it out loud. For what purpose?!

I've always hated men who have said things like 'Cheer up, love!' or 'Smile! It might never happen!' so I admit I am sensitive to comments like this. It was also the second date with someone - (who happens to be the first person I've been remotely interested in since my partner passed away).

I went home and just relaxed - but still mad. He has since texted me (today) with: "You still in a strop? I was only joking darling!" I haven't responded and don't think I will.

I honestly don't want to see him again. AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:
CounsellorTroi · 20/04/2022 07:28

You’re well rid of him. What an arse. The fact he said it was bad enough let alone not making sure she was out of earshot.

differentnameforthis · 20/04/2022 08:09

He just gave you a really clear indication of who he is... believe him!!

thebeespyjamas · 20/04/2022 10:54

I think the key is to ask two questions:

Is this likely to be a one-off, fluke, or is this something that is just what the person is like? *usually it's the latter

Is this behaviour acceptable to you long-term? *usually, it's not.

Therefore, instead of carrying on seeing the person, ignoring the behaviour or assuming it will just disappear into the ether, end it now so that you can find a person who better meets your requirements.

KettrickenSmiled · 20/04/2022 12:00

Beautifulmonster87 · 19/04/2022 17:03

Maybe he felt uncomfortable about how she was behaving and that’s how he reacted? I think it’s a bit OTT to bin someone off based just on that!

Yeah Monster, let's focus on the Menz Feelz & just ignore how extra uncomfortable the "dazed & distraught" woman would have been made by his nasty comment.

Let's also ignore his patronising & ill-considered DARVO text to OP the next morning, huh?
www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

If it walks like a misogynistic bellend, talks like a misogynistic bellend ... treat it as a misogynistic bellend.

KettrickenSmiled · 20/04/2022 12:01

Zoom101 · 19/04/2022 16:56

Respond with ‘Still a cunt, darling?’

No, don’t actually do that, just black, ignore and chalk it up to experience. Hopefully your next date with be someone more evolved.

So apposite, so tempting ...

Indoorcamping · 20/04/2022 12:04

Urgh. Be grateful you found out what he's like early on. Definitely block & move on. He doesn't deserve a response

SaggyBlinders · 20/04/2022 12:18

I'd bin him off. He might have acted nice on your two dates, but this shows he's actually a bit of a twat.

I remember being told to "smile love, it might never happen" by a man and his laughing side kick, when I made myself leave the house to get a takeaway coffee after a bereavement. I probably looked miserable and knackered, it made me feel so self conscious and embarrassed.

But when I was on a busy train and couldn't stop myself from crying, a man came over and asked me if I was okay and if I needed anything. Not all men are thoughtless twats.

Sorry about your partner.

gingerhills · 20/04/2022 12:21

Second date and he's calling you 'darling' and expecting you to treat his rudeness as a joke? Eugh. I wouldn't want a third date.

10HailMarys · 20/04/2022 12:40

@CityOfGunthers Really sorry that happened to you after you lost your cousin. I had a very similar experience when I was walking home from work having just been told that a close relative had died, and it's awful.

Teddeh · 20/04/2022 12:57

YANBU. My first thought was also the misogynist connotations. Although your date MIGHT have reacted the exact same way to a man looking a bit down, he should also be aware that those kinds of comments are very often symptoms of the societal misogyny which views women as public resources and feels inappropriately and disproportionately free to comment when it's likely the target won't (literally) hit back. It also seems he dismissed your reaction rather than trying to understand it. That's perhaps a bad sign at the very start of a relationship when you're on your best behaviour and curious to learn about each other.

Maybe he felt uncomfortable about how she was behaving and that’s how he reacted?
Reasonable for a small child - "Mummy, why is that lady crying?" - but an adult should be able to understand that a complete stranger passing on the sidewalk doesn't have a significant impact on his life and he can keep his comments to himself.

RealBecca · 20/04/2022 13:04

I'd send him a relevant link saying do you realise you're a misogynist?

Original poster
cjhealy · 20/04/2022 14:54

UPDATE: I didn't respond. I was so angry. As some of the comments above have shown, random men feeling the need to comment/shout at people (read - women!) in the street is disgusting - and it really does stay with you.

He sent me another text after I ignored him saying - "????. Ok. I think ghosting is such a classless thing to do. So take care."

It infuriated me. If he was a decent person; of course; I would have said 'Thank you for your time, but this isn't for me....' - or something along those lines. But now he wants to act like the 'classy man' - and make me look/feel like a bitch?! After he acted the way he did?! I could scream.

OP posts:
Original poster
cjhealy · 20/04/2022 14:56

SaggyBlinders · 20/04/2022 12:18

I'd bin him off. He might have acted nice on your two dates, but this shows he's actually a bit of a twat.

I remember being told to "smile love, it might never happen" by a man and his laughing side kick, when I made myself leave the house to get a takeaway coffee after a bereavement. I probably looked miserable and knackered, it made me feel so self conscious and embarrassed.

But when I was on a busy train and couldn't stop myself from crying, a man came over and asked me if I was okay and if I needed anything. Not all men are thoughtless twats.

Sorry about your partner.

So sorry this happened to you. I don't know where men like this get off. There is no shame for them. It is disgusting behaviour. That said; I'm glad to know someone DID ask if you were ok on another occasion - and wasn't a twat about it.

OP posts:
TibetanTerrah · 20/04/2022 14:57

As much as I could think of a dozen sniping replies to your latest update, honestly he so clearly lacks awareness that anything pointing out his own lack of "class" would go completely over his head.

just mentally file him under "twat" and be smug in the knowledge that he has no idea the real reason that he's single, and never will because its all these mean women ghosting him Wink

Original poster
cjhealy · 20/04/2022 14:58

AcrossthePond55 · 19/04/2022 20:00

At that moment I'd be thinking that if he's so disrespectful to a total stranger what might he say to someone he was involved with? And his 'still in a strop' comment would have cemented my first opinion. This is the type of man who expects women to be chipper fountains of joy who are not allowed to feel down or sad because it's too upsetting to their fragile male egos. Dump him.

I mean, my DH doesn't like to see me upset, but he doesn't tell me to 'cheer up', he either tries to help or gives me space to deal with things on my own. That's what a good partner does.

I'm not in the UK and I can honestly say I've never had a strange man tell me to 'cheer up' or 'smile, it may never happen'. Not even in my younger years, and I don't have a 'naturally smily' resting face. Is this a common thing in the UK?

You'd truly be surprised! I've heard it from others so many times. The sheer audacity of some men to feel that they can shout and/or literally tell someone how to look/act/feel is astonishing!

OP posts:
Original poster
cjhealy · 20/04/2022 15:00

TibetanTerrah · 20/04/2022 14:57

As much as I could think of a dozen sniping replies to your latest update, honestly he so clearly lacks awareness that anything pointing out his own lack of "class" would go completely over his head.

just mentally file him under "twat" and be smug in the knowledge that he has no idea the real reason that he's single, and never will because its all these mean women ghosting him Wink

Exactly this. 100%. Zero self-awareness yet somehow he's justified it in his own twisted brain that I'M the rude/classless one...?!

Blocked him. Just cannot believe the audacity.

OP posts:
Original poster
cjhealy · 20/04/2022 15:03

CityOfGunthers · 19/04/2022 22:31

Someone once said to me "Cheer up love, it's Christmas" as I walked past them on the street on Xmas Eve. I had just found out my cousin had been killed. It still makes me mad now, 18 years later.

Absolutely no need for anyone to pass a comment like that, and his follow up message to you is worse. Prick.

Totally understand this and I know that kind of comment just sticks with you. It's truly awful. Sorry for your loss.

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 20/04/2022 15:03

Bullet truly dodged. I’d be tempted to reply on the lines of Do you truly need me to point out that shouting cheer up love to a woman and sending a text contains words strop and darling to a date are not going to result in further dates but suspect sensible thing is to ignore.

OneTC · 20/04/2022 15:04

Nah fuck that.

Bin bin bin

AcrossthePond55 · 20/04/2022 15:50

@cjhealy @iklboo

Unbelievable! And I don't suppose they make such stupid comments to a man who is looking distressed or 'frowny'.

Wonder what those asshats would do if all of a sudden scads of women started cheerily saying such stupid things to them. Or responded with "Fuck you! My dog/rabbit/gerbil/geranium just died, you absolute twat".

squiller · 20/04/2022 15:55

Eurgh, he sounds like a backwards prick. Ditch him.

iklboo · 20/04/2022 17:07

@AcrossthePond55 - Or responded with "Fuck you! My dog/rabbit/gerbil/geranium just died, you absolute twat".

Ah, that's when you get 'calm down love I was only joking / can't you take a joke / I was only messing / it's just banter / are you on your period' Hmm

ForeverLooking · 20/04/2022 17:43

Well done for not responding. From your update he is clearly trying to bait you into responding. You have the upper hand by simply not saying anything. Silence speaks volumes.
My FIL who we were NC with (he has now died) used to try and goad us into responding to him by becoming more and more irate in texts and on social media. I know it drove him bonkers that we never once replied or alluded to him anywhere.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/04/2022 20:03

iklboo · 20/04/2022 17:07

@AcrossthePond55 - Or responded with "Fuck you! My dog/rabbit/gerbil/geranium just died, you absolute twat".

Ah, that's when you get 'calm down love I was only joking / can't you take a joke / I was only messing / it's just banter / are you on your period' Hmm

Fuck. Ok, maybe crack them over the head with a 2x4 then? No?

'calm down love I was only joking' gets "I'm quite calm, thank you. Your remark was very rude"

'can't you take a joke' gets "I can if it's actually funny. Yours wasn't."

'I was only messing' gets "I'm not. You really need to grow up"

'it's just banter' gets "That wasn't banter. You need to watch what you say"

'are you on your period' gets "Are you?"

I know that it reality it's best to just grit your teeth and keep walking. I mean, American men can do the whistling/cat calling thing and that's bad enough. But to tell someone that they need to be a 'little ray of sunshine' for the benefit of other people or that they have the right to tell someone how to feel/look is just so...so...I don't know what. Such a violation of a person's own self I guess.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/04/2022 14:52

If only @AcrossthePond55 that's when they get angry and aggressive.

Believe me, British women aren't shrinking violets. But sometimes the consequences are nasty.