DP won’t believe I’m infertile AIBU?

[GloriaDellores]

I’m 36, met DP 2 years ago following a divorce. Stopped taking contraception 5 years ago during marriage to exH, as we’d agreed to TTC. Following 2 years of DTD regularly, using OPKs, preseed etc, we had no luck and the marriage eventually broke down due to this. We got as far as exH’s sperm being tested and coming back as normal.

After the marriage I remained off of contraception as I felt much better in myself. DP and I have been having unprotected regular sex since we met (DP fully aware) yet nothing has happened in 2 years, unsurprisingly. I privately funded a fertility assessment for myself recently inc Ultrasound scan of the uterus and bloods (inc AMH) and all came back normal, yet still no pregnancy in all these years, so I know something is not right.

I’ve always had a feeling, like a knowing, deep down that I’m infertile and my lack of conception over the past few years has only further proven this. DP is very keen to have a baby (as am I) and really wants to start “trying” in the form of tracking cycles etc, all of which I’ve done in the past to no avail and only leads to disappointment and upset. DP won’t accept that I’m infertile and says we must try, we must have hope, he knows it will happen etc etc.

AIBU in not wanting to try and wanting DH to accept the facts? In my mind there is no hope of natural conception at this stage and IVF is likely our only route

Your gp can refer you for tests , happened to me and it was something easily sorted

Just a note to consider.

I didn’t get pregnant for a long time, 5 years, our next option was IVF.

Our Gyno put us both on antibiotics and I had a procedure where they put me under an X-ray and put dye through my tubes. For me I had a little pop sensation and the doctors thought I had a very minor block that was fixed with the pop.

the month later I was pregnant.

not saying this will happen to you but just a thought. I am in the uk and it was done through the NHS.

I know a couple of people who got pregnant in the next cycle after having an HSG to check their fallopian tubes. Apparently it can be a pretty painful procedure, but can increase fertility for a few months, so is a useful check for people with unexplained infertility even if no official blockage or problem is found.

Do you really want to have a child with someone who so easily dismisses your experience and feelings?

I don’t understand why you don’t go to your gp for further tests? You need bloods to see your hormone levels during your cycle and to ascertain if you are ovulating or not.

I did not conceive despite two years of unprotected sex. But 3 rounds of clomid was all it took to get pregnant with my first child. A lot more straightforward and less expensive than IVF thankfully.

I voted YABU simply because you have decided you are infertile without any tests to prove that. I'm all for women knowing their own bodies but in this instance I think a medical referral would be a better course of action.

Unexplained is such a PITA diagnosis.

I will say me and DH both 'passed' all the tests for years until starting IVF and discovering we have PCOS and tetrozoospermia. Somehow 6 YEARS of NHS tests had missed that (in fact they told me I couldnt have PCOS because I didnt have issues with weight or heirsuitism without ever testing, being Atypical my hormones are normal).

That said we have done IVF and had 3 spontanious random natural pregnancies... thats out of 16 years of unprotected sex and trying.

4 years trying then my spontanious oldest
6 years trying then my spontanious angel
3 years trying then IVF
2 years not protecting and then suprise spontanious youngest while waiting for IVF 2 (delayed due to covid)

Infertility is not sterilitity, pregnancy 'can' happen every cycle (so dont give up hope) but trying messes with you head in a way people who havent experianced it will never understand so IVF is a more proactive route if you have been trying for 5 years.

I would suggest from personal experiance going abroad, IVF in the UK is not the best. Not only is it expensive and strictly regulated (not in the best interests of the couple) but it also works of work weeks which means they will schedual your collection or transferal around their days off not whens actually best. Different countries have different specialties, so a bit of research goes a long way and the forum fertilityfriends has a whole group dedicated for foreign IVF.

If you want a child do not give up now. Continue naturally, do chart and check in with your GP. You are not infertile until it's proven you are. And he has not been checked either.

This unfortunately only works if a blocked tube was your diagnosis hense the HSG fixing it.

For most people it doesnt hurt (because theres no blockage) but it also wont help.

Definate worth a shot as a diagnostic tool to check the tubes but I wouldnt set up hope that it will be the magic cure because for most it isn't.

You are infertile after 1 year of regular unprotected sex... you dont need a doctor for an infertility diagnosis, not getting pregnant isnt a symptom it is the condition itself and most people never get an answer to why.

Can’t you do both? Can’t you agree to ‘try’ (charting, etc) at the same time as going to the GP to start the ball rolling with investigations?

A lot of very ignorant comments here... lack of diagnosis does NOT mean fertile, some people need to go back to basic biology class.

The medical definition of infertility:

Infertility refers to couples who have not become pregnant after at least 1 year having sex without using birth control methods.

It has nothing to do with tests and most conditions can not be tested at a superficial level. OP could have fragile X, hardened Zona or a million other conditions that require IVF for diagnosis or that have no test.

I was the same as you, good overian reserve, OPKs sowed a positive every month, all the signs of ovulating (EWCM, verrry painful), it wasn’t until I started IVF that we discovered I was growing a follicle but it was never maturing and releasing the egg. So something similar may be happening. I wouldn’t waste any more time, get the referral for IVF.

I'd definitely speak to GP, there's likely to be lots of waiting so you'll have plenty of time to track in the meantime.

I know this is an old thread and I hope OP is doing ok.

My husband and I started TTC as soon as we got married. That was 2010. I haven't used any form of birth control since then and we have never conceived naturally. All out tests came back absolutely fine on both sides.

Thankfully we were able to have DD via ivf in 2016.

It is a hard thing to get your head round sometimes though.... that everything is working how it should but it isn't!
Our DD would have a sibling by now if we could conceive naturally. We never could face doing another round of ivf

Sorry, I did not know that.

It’s hardly a zombie thread, only 6 weeks or so old.

OP if you’re still reading, one thing I would say is don’t assume that private IVF is out of the question because of cost. It’s not as expensive as the media would have you believe. You can self-refer and get things moving very quickly indeed. I had a first consultation in June and was pregnant by Christmas that year. Similar unexplained infertility, though was older than you. Good luck.

@mam0918
Thanks a lot for the clarification. I do not know everything. But if superficial investigation does not give an answer, surely just stating "I am infertile" and not doing anything about it will not help either. I believe dear poster should take the next step. Even if it's a reminiscence of a painful past. An encouragement to stay positive I think is not bad advice. A lot of women have had children late in life while obviously being infertile for years, even decades. This is what I was surmising. Her new partner has not even been tested.

All the best OP rooting for you.

That’s incorrect. An HSG is to diagnose a blocked fallopian tube (and some issues with the uterus), not fix it, so it is a perfectly normal test to run on anyone who has unexplained infertility. If the dye runs through without being stopped, you will be told your tubes are not blocked. That doesn’t actually mean the procedure has not actually helped (not that it would if your tubes were substantially or fully blocked), but it is not designed as a treatment, it is designed to help diagnose a possible cause of infertility.

So, frankly, it’s a bit silly not to have an HSG if you are willing to take clomid and go through the agony of endless cycles of IVF, neither of which are are cure for infertility either.

I think you need to tell your husband that its a waste of time, and its stressful to think that he doesnt trust your knowledge and experience of your own body. If you want a baby you will probably have to have treatment to help it happen, as many do

There are lots of things that get in the way of fertilization or implantation, like blocked or damaged Fallopian tubes, clotting disorders, fibrous tissue and even the chemical balance. Meanwhile, if your DP is pressing you and causing distress, that in itself can have a massive on your pregnancy chances. If you don’t think you’re prepared to head into the IVF journey, or he’s not 100% on board, then you should probably take some time out from TTC and just get back to enjoying each other together. (Maybe take a holiday, drink some cocktails and relax…) Revisit the idea later, or not… Who knows? Sometimes things just happen.

I don’t think a thread posted less than 2 months ago is a zombie thread FFS. With something as painful as this of course the OP might have stepped away and still be reading. Talk about an instant living society if this is deemed not worth replying to now. She might still be waiting for her GP appointment to start tests needed in GP land to get the evidence for referral. Nothing happens that quickly especially with infertility.
OP, I hope you go down the IVF route to try and you keep trying what you’re do at the same time and best of luck.
i think your current partner probably feels that if you cycle tracked etc with your last partner that you not doing it with him (even though you might not need to) will translate as him possibly thinking you care/love him less? As wrong as that thinking might be.

You can't call yourself infertile until you've seen an expert. You're putting extra pressure on yourself which might unconsciously be working against you. Get going on the IVF list but do look for a professional to assess you, not a GP. Don't give up! There might be sth that can be done medically to "untangle" whatever issue you might potentially have but only an expert can help. You sound like you've already thrown the towel already, don't!