DP won’t believe I’m infertile AIBU?

[GloriaDellores]

I’m 36, met DP 2 years ago following a divorce. Stopped taking contraception 5 years ago during marriage to exH, as we’d agreed to TTC. Following 2 years of DTD regularly, using OPKs, preseed etc, we had no luck and the marriage eventually broke down due to this. We got as far as exH’s sperm being tested and coming back as normal.

After the marriage I remained off of contraception as I felt much better in myself. DP and I have been having unprotected regular sex since we met (DP fully aware) yet nothing has happened in 2 years, unsurprisingly. I privately funded a fertility assessment for myself recently inc Ultrasound scan of the uterus and bloods (inc AMH) and all came back normal, yet still no pregnancy in all these years, so I know something is not right.

I’ve always had a feeling, like a knowing, deep down that I’m infertile and my lack of conception over the past few years has only further proven this. DP is very keen to have a baby (as am I) and really wants to start “trying” in the form of tracking cycles etc, all of which I’ve done in the past to no avail and only leads to disappointment and upset. DP won’t accept that I’m infertile and says we must try, we must have hope, he knows it will happen etc etc.

AIBU in not wanting to try and wanting DH to accept the facts? In my mind there is no hope of natural conception at this stage and IVF is likely our only route

Totally outing but what the hell...

I had exactly the same scenario as you with my first DH. We divorced. Had another (short term) relationship without contraception. nothing. My exH moved on as did I to a longer term relationship and both his DP and I got pregnant at the same time.

You can be 'incompatible' I.e your mucus can kill his sperm, so you may just be unlucky with the men you've picked.

Sounds ridiculous but it's true.

Have your tubes been checked? My bloods, uterine lining etc were all normal and DH’s sperm test was good. A HSG showed that I had a blocked Fallopian tube. Other tube was presumed to be not functioning correctly due to 2 years of TTC with no pregnancy. IVF resulted in my DD.

Keep trying but get referred for IVF. At 36yo you don’t have any time to waste, especially if you want more than one child.

It could be as simple as blocked tubes. I was exactly the same and once they were unblocked I got pregnant within a week after a year of active trying and years of no protection

took me 3 years to get pregnant. i was sure i was infertile. stopped bothing to track anything, started eating cleaner and just thinking about myself, lost a little weight and got pregnant :) (literally 2 stone although nownive lost 6 stone since pregnancy haha) after i had my son i got pregnant again 3 weeks later and now have a 2 yr old girl and a 3 yr old boy ^^ never say never but do ask your gp

I don't want to be the voice of doom, but at 36, you sadly won't be able to access NHS IVF support in the majority of areas (despite NICE guidance saying women up to 41 should be offered it, most areas have a cut off of 35).

I similarly just "knew" I was infertile - despite all of our tests coming back clear, IVF did end up being the only way to get pregnant for us. But chances of success of IVF are also super age dependent so it's definitely worth having some consultations sooner rather than later.

Has your DP had his sperm tested? As your exHs being ok means nothing anymore as there was nothing shown to be wrong with you either. I think YABU, it could be something simple, or it may not, you need to do further investigations really and so does your DP.

Hmmmm I'd used opk and ovulated most months around an average time, but got pregnant 3 times ( one loss) and by absolute coincidence only had sex very early in the cycle on each pregnancy. On one of them day 7 only that month ( DH works away a lot.) So have you tried at all times of your cycle or are you sort of trying at just the middle at the moment?

YANBU after 2 years then l would expected something to have happened. Do you actually want to do have fertility treatment. Being realistic it’s very onerous on you but not on him. Plus is statistically more likely to fail, than to succeed

Sadly fertility medicine is still relatively crude. We had a fertility MOT after 9 months of trying. We both got an A* and told most likely it would happen within a few months. Well over 2 years on from then but nothing, despite us having now done 6 rounds of Clomid and 2 of IVF. We don’t even have a diagnosis, just the lazy “unexplained fertility” which basically means the doctors don’t know

I completely understand you not wanting to track cycles and temperatures and all the other stuff. Stress, completely unromantic and bound to cause disappointment. Now is the time to ask for medical help if you want to conceive.

Also, don't assume. As you approach menopause, the human body sometimes has one last surge of fertility before giving up the ghost.

I had been told I was infertile by my doc a decade earlier, had taken no precautions for 11 years and then conceived without trying at 44y5m, resulting in DS, born perfectly healthy & full term. I love ds to bits but will be working until he goes to uni when I am 63.

So if you prefer not to have a very late baby, it might be as well to bear that in mind.

Good luck either way.

I’d make Gp appointment and ask for referral or go private now. I do hate the narrative that unprotected sex isn’t trying for a baby it seems to be the thing for celebs/influencers to say oh we weren’t trying/baby was unplanned but we weren’t using contraception. I wonder if he’s a bit clueless and taken that on board.
I’m sure there’s nhs guidance if you’ve been having unprotected sex for x months no luck to seek advice you could show him.
By all means go down ovulation stick route while you wait but I wouldn’t delay. You are only 36 but I wouldn’t want to waste time.

You don't know you're infertile though

The thing is.... me and dh had unprotected sex for literally 8 years before I randomly got pregnant. Didn't end well but we eventually conceived our daughter (first try) a few years later. So you never know!

I know it's not the same for everyone but unexplained fertility can change at any time. Best of luck op

Yes that’s exactly it, I see our next step as getting on the long waiting list for IVF whereas DP thinks we should still be “trying” to conceive naturally

Could you explain that you know from experience that charting etc will just make you stressed (and so even less likely to conceive and show him this NHS link about diagnosing infertility. It says you should see your GP if you haven't conceived after a year, no mention of charting etc, just a year of unprotected sex. Maybe he will believe you if he sees it from an 'official' source, not that he should need to, I can see why it's annoying you that he won't accept it from you. www.nhs.uk/conditions/infertility/diagnosis/

I think you need to go to your Dr to discuss this.
I had unprotected sex with DDs dad after having her, I thought I was lucky to not get pregnant.
I was engaged to someone who I was trying for a baby with- I didn't fall pregnant within the 2 years we were together.
DH and I have only used protection a handful of times because I told him I had fertility issues. We've been together almost 12 years.

I had several Dr's appts once I'd lost some weight.
The advice was, I wasn't going to have a baby. The scarring in my abdominal area, and the scans of my ovaries and lack of ovulation was all taken into account, then I did fall pregnant.

I was obviously very shocked, but do get then to look at your fertility in depth and see if there is any chance at all before writing it off completely.

Wishing you all the best.

So, with my exH we struggled for years and needed help to conceive both children. ive had a short relationship with my current partner and was pregnant the first month. Not ideal either! I had confirmed PCOS though

I had positive opks with regular periods but my hormones weren’t strong enough and I still needed a low dose of clomid tablets to conceive. Best visit your Gp and ask for more tests

It could be your DP who is infertile.

Are you considering IVF on the NHS? It’s worth looking at what the eligibility is in your area and also looking at success rates by age if this is a path you think you’ll go down, as well as waiting times. Then you and your partner can decide long to try naturally for. You don’t know that you’re completely infertile - but it’s likely one or both of you are less fertile that others. How important is having a child to you? If you’re using your own eggs for IVF success rates are higher if you are younger.

I see our next step as getting on the long waiting list for IVF whereas DP thinks we should still be “trying” to conceive naturally

It doesn't need to be either/or. Do both.

Anecdotally: I know several couples who conceived naturally after years of trying. One set had adopted and their birth daughter was born as they were finalisingvthe adoption, so the youngest two are 3 months apart in age...causes some interesting conversations!
The other couple went in to have two more children, no secondary infertility.

Both couples had both had all checks, no reason found for it just not happening?

Tell him how long it takes for IVF etc and the age limits, so important to start now, but you can still 'try' naturally 😊

Given your history, a move straight to IVF would be sensible.
I had unexplained infertility for years with more then one partner.
Failed IVF. Failed IUI. No obvious cause. All test results came back normal each time.

One day I had a glass of wine and couldn’t stomach it. Yes, I had fallen pregnant naturally. It’s possible your partner doesn’t want to go down the IVF route in case the tests show something wrong with him. That would be a natural concern, especially given your test results are normal.

Does he have children? Has his fertility been checked?

Just a head's up that positive OPKs don't actually mean you are successfully ovulating.
You are not being unreasonable to not want to bother wasting time charting and timing things when its pretty clear it is going to take more than that to make something actually happen. At 35+ every year matters in terms of odds of eventual success so if its important to you guys, would go straight to finding out if NHS would fund or planning finances for private.

Do you actually want children? I presume he does? If you do want children then you and him need to decide how to increase the chances of making this happen eg. further testing/IVF/adoption, etc. If you do want children then I wouldn't wait much longer to take further action.

However, maybe you have resigned yourself to the fact you can't get pregnant and don't want to do anything further to get pregnant. In which case you need to ascertain how much having children means to your dp. He may not be ultimately bothered either way, but likewise he may not want a future without kids, in which case you're kind of in a difficult situation regarding compromise, particularly if he wants to go down the IVF route which is very invasive for the woman.

Can he be confident that he's fertile?

I had a similar story to you - tried for 2 years (tried everything you mentioned) and no luck and I also always had that gut feeling I was unfertile. Eventually went down the IVF route and the only thing they could find wrong was slightly low AMH but I should have still been able to fall pregnant. Anyway IVF worked for us and my daughter arrived! 1 year later we decided we wanted another child and assumed we'd need to do IVF again, but would try in the meantime. Literally 1 try later, I was pregnant (biggest surprise of my life!)

The IVF process took ages from referral to treatment so if you are happy to go through IVF I would get the ball rolling straight away and I suppose you can always try in the meantime! Good luck!