DP won’t believe I’m infertile AIBU?

[GloriaDellores]

I’m 36, met DP 2 years ago following a divorce. Stopped taking contraception 5 years ago during marriage to exH, as we’d agreed to TTC. Following 2 years of DTD regularly, using OPKs, preseed etc, we had no luck and the marriage eventually broke down due to this. We got as far as exH’s sperm being tested and coming back as normal.

After the marriage I remained off of contraception as I felt much better in myself. DP and I have been having unprotected regular sex since we met (DP fully aware) yet nothing has happened in 2 years, unsurprisingly. I privately funded a fertility assessment for myself recently inc Ultrasound scan of the uterus and bloods (inc AMH) and all came back normal, yet still no pregnancy in all these years, so I know something is not right.

I’ve always had a feeling, like a knowing, deep down that I’m infertile and my lack of conception over the past few years has only further proven this. DP is very keen to have a baby (as am I) and really wants to start “trying” in the form of tracking cycles etc, all of which I’ve done in the past to no avail and only leads to disappointment and upset. DP won’t accept that I’m infertile and says we must try, we must have hope, he knows it will happen etc etc.

AIBU in not wanting to try and wanting DH to accept the facts? In my mind there is no hope of natural conception at this stage and IVF is likely our only route

You need to decide between you if IVF is something you are both willing to try. If you are, there is no reason not to get the ball rolling now, or at least ask for your GP to refer you to a fertility specialist.

I only have basic knowledge of fertility, but I still urge you not to stress. If you have visible signs of ovulation, then obviously have sex during that time, but I'm not sure if a lot of chart tracking and temperature taking is going to help as it might make you distressed or stressed.

What you both need to talk about as well, is the possibility that you might not have children and what that means for you as a couple. Not ideal for your emotional wellbeing right now, I know :(

I think if YOU want children, you need to take control of your own fertility
Nevermind him saying "try " when you know perfectly well its not happening
Its either a delaying tactic or hes daft- but you dont have the luxury of Time to find out

Get on with the IVF with ( or without ) him
Best of luck OP

This happened to me. It took a couple of years for us to seek help. My DP's sperm was good and i have a goodish egg reserve however a laproscopy showed that a prior infection had blocked my tubes. I had no idea. The gynae successfully manahed to unblock them and i got pregnant within 2 months. Sadly the pregnancy didnt end happily and we were unsuccessful In getting pregnant naturally again. Another 2 year later we started ivf and i gave birth to our DD 8 years after we started TTC.
Request a laproscopy as its the only true way to see if you have any structural issues

You said your exH had his sperm checked - which tests? How old was he? Has your current DP had his sperm checked and how old is he? It could be the men rather than you. What is your menstrual cycle like?

OP - you haven't answered if you saw your exP's results. You tried for 2 years, but you tried for 2 years with a different man. Theres nothing wrong with having lots of unprotected sex with your DP and going to see the GP about your history and start getting full investigations done / go on waiting lists. Do both.

Hi @GloriaDellores the advice is to seek help after a year if no joy under 35. Over 35 you need to seek help after 6 months.

Proper assessment. May be something like endometriosis (women don’t always get pain), amongst many other things. I wouldn’t say you’re infertile, this might be a matter of a laparoscopy and you’ll be set. But you really do need to get on with it at this point if you want a baby.

At your age, he is being unrealistic to want to continue ‘trying’ and not looking at a back up plan. I also didn’t fall pregnant naturally and after some time, due to age, I went straight for ivf.

Neither of you would be unreasonable to decide that you do not want to undergo fertility treatment. It is brutal.

Do you think there is perhaps some machismo around the fact that the issue may be with your DP?

If you want to conceive, it’s time to seek help.

You probably are going to get out on some sort of schedule or testing regime as part of that so he will get his way as well. It will just also come with practical assistance.

@MargosKaftan She tried for 2 years with a different man AND has been trying (in the sense of having unprotected sex) for another 2 years with her current DP.

• get a proper assessment - you need blood tests, STI check, X-ray, ultrasound, laparoscopy if nothing shows up.

Go private if you can afford it - nhs wait for an initial consult at the moment is about 12-24 months sometimes more. Then longer for the ivf referral after that.

Do your research on private consultants in your area and get your gp to do you a referral first off. Then get it done for private. Once you see doc privately and have the initial investigations done they can update your nhs referral and you go straight through to the ivf stage if required.

In the mean time try bbt tracking. £10 thermometer from boots. Helps if you have irregular cycles.

@girlmom21

I see our next step as getting on the long waiting list for IVF whereas DP thinks we should still be “trying” to conceive naturally

Why can't you do both?

This is exactly what I thought.

Hi,
Just wanted to share my experience. Similar to you, I was struggling to conceive but my second child. The first was conceived after 9 months of trying so I knew that I could get pregnant and get to full term etc. When we started TTC for the second baby - nothing. And, nothing after two years and I’d tracked ovulation etc. I was your age, 36. The words secondary infertility were mentioned by my GP who referred me to the fertility clinic. Both of us had tests and every test came back normal. The doctor decided to try IUI which, when I had it back in 2007, was about £300 but I am sure the first attempt was free. I had to use a ovulation predictor kit and the day it was positive (which happened to be a Saturday morning) hubby had to sort himself out and ejaculate in a pot and we had to drive 20 mins to the fertility clinic. I seem to remember them spinning it down to concentrate the sperm which were put inside me through a tube inserted through my cervix. It worked first time!!! I now have a healthy 13 year old girl!!
The only thing I can think of that was causing the issue is the fact that a fibroid was picked up when they scanned me (when doing the tests) which seemed to be covering my cervix. When my daughter was born - I had a c-section - they looked for it but it wasn’t there and it’s possible the baby kicked it off.
I would definitely seek help in your case as things like fibroids are very common in women over 30. It could be something simple! I had decided not to have IVF but was willing to give IUI three attempts so was pleased when it worked first time! One thing I did realise was that I ovulated earlier than day 14! It was usually day 10 - and this was the day the OPK was positive when my daughter was conceived by IUI.
Good luck!! Seek help!

** sorry just realised you said you’d got most of those investigations done. Endo isn’t seen unless you have a laparoscopy done, if extensive it’s seen on MRI. I would follow this route particularly if you have any other symptoms. And get DH checked too. Wishing you lots of luck 🍀

@overitall1

Totally outing but what the hell...

I had exactly the same scenario as you with my first DH. We divorced. Had another (short term) relationship without contraception. nothing. My exH moved on as did I to a longer term relationship and both his DP and I got pregnant at the same time.

You can be 'incompatible' I.e your mucus can kill his sperm, so you may just be unlucky with the men you've picked.

Sounds ridiculous but it's true.

Similar happened to me, it was same explanation I was given.

With ex 5 years, trying for 3 nothing happened. I was put on Clomid, tracked ovulation - fast forward still nothing. Ended up going our separate ways. Ex in the meantime had his sperm test result which was normal. I was on waiting list for further investigation so kept it obviously.

3 months into my new relationship we got lax on the condom situation and I found myself pregnant. My appointment at the hospital was the day after - 2 children and 28 years later we are still together!

Ex went on to have a child too.

If you don't want a baby tell him to back off or leave. If you do want one, then reassure yourself you've done all you can. Speak to GP, tell him you've been trying for two years.

I think my opk's came back positive but when they did the bloods I wasn't ovulating. But I clearly had PCOS in my ovaries.

Either way, surely you want to know you did everything you could which means asking for help

I have several friends who have never worried about contraception.

One was with a partner for 4 years and never got pregnant. Assumed her partner was infertile. They split, he has 3 children. She married someone else; always had unprotected sex. 8 years later they have a child with no assistance.

Another, married 20 years. Never used contraception. 2 children.

Another married 15 years. Never used contraception. Have 3 children.

I have a different perspective to PPs. Whilst your DP should accept what you say I do think that a doctor will ask for specifics in terms of dates for when you ovulate, when your period happens and when you have sex. So I don't think his suggestion is unreasonable at all.

Try having sex just before ovulation day. My ovulation was a bit out of kilter, but regular periods and ovulation days it worked for me. I found I was ovulating on last days of period.

@polkadotpixie

It could be as simple as blocked tubes. I was exactly the same and once they were unblocked I got pregnant within a week after a year of active trying and years of no protection

How did they unblock your tubes ? Was it the hsg/hycosy that pushed through any blockage or did you need surgery to unblock them ?

@GloriaDellores 'Yes that’s exactly it, I see our next step as getting on the long waiting list for IVF whereas DP thinks we should still be “trying” to conceive naturally'

What's wrong with doing both?

He’s not unreasonable to suggest trying something, even if it’s not worked before. You’re not going to start ivf tomorrow so you may as well do something else while you’re waiting for appointments etc.

I was in a similar situation OP tried with my ex partner for a few years and nothing happened, we were only early 20s so never went down the infertility route. I was left devastated when we split up and within months he impregnated his bit on the side.

I assumed, I was infertile and when I started trying with my now partner, I had the same heartache of not conceiving. We went to the doctors and all tests came back okay with no reason for infertility.

They offered me to go on the wait list for IUI which at the time was a 3 month wait list or prescribe clomid which makes you release more eggs. I asked for both, which they agreed to. Well after 2 years of trying with my current partner, I got a call for my IUI consultation but I had already fallen pregnant taking clomid after only 2 months.

I really identified with your OP and your updates. I could have written your first post. I always get deep down from a young age that I would struggle with fertility, I've no idea where I got the notion, I've always had normal periods but I felt that way back even as young as 17.

When I got married aged 30 we started trying, up until this point we did have periods of unprotected sex and nothing happened which didn't surprise me. Was off contraception for 3 years when we tried ivf, I didn't exactly track opks etc for more than 3 months so we didn't 'try' as in used the gadgets but I wasn't on anything.

IVF aged 34 ended in miscarriage. We both had tests and all was normal, we were 'unexplained'. I was very negative going into ivf so for instance saying things like it wouldn't work or when it did that it would end in miscarriage. I thought my negativity was protecting me but I don't think it was a healthy mindset.

Aged 38 something switched and started believing it could and would happen. And lo and behold I got pregnant. Now, I'm not saying it was all in my mind but I do believe the mind is pretty powerful and that the mind and body are linked.

Don't conclude you're infertile, if they haven't found any reason why you can't have a baby don't assume you can't, it took me 8 years but it still happened and I believe when I start trying again I'll be able to have another.

Fertility is a combination of two people's fertility OP.
So a slightly less fertile woman can conceive with a very fertile man, or not if he is not so fertile. It' s the sum of 2 parts- literally.

Also, it's well known that being anxious can prevent conception. I've known a few couples who became parents in their late 30s, having given up, been through IVF or drug treatment, and lo and behold a baby came along.

I don't think you ought to assume you are infertile, more unexplained lack of conception.

It could still happen. You can do a lot with lifestyle changes (both the man and woman) . Have you had your ovarian reserve checked?