Brother’s GF can’t stop lying

[Flymetothezoom]

I have recently moved nearer to my family after being away for 20 years. I am getting to know my brothers GF of 6 years. She never stops lying. Examples:

1. She is Catholic/Roma/Jewish/Protestant depending on the topic of conversation.

1. She earns £10k a month, even though she gets housing support and constantly borrows money

1. She was a top DJ/lawyer/chef -she actually worked in a call centre.

1. She runs two employment unions, works 20 hours a day on her business and has a day job.

I don’t care so much about these inconsequential lies, although they stop the flow of conversation because no matter the topic she is an expert and has done everything. These lies don’t really impact me but her nonsensical promises stop any of us in the family having a conversation.

For example:

1. We are having a Christening and were discussing cakes and she stops the conversation by saying that she was a professional baker and the cake will be a gift to us. She wasn’t, she didn’t. Luckily I suspected she wouldn’t so I got a back up cake.

1. We needed a builder, she stops the conversation by saying that she runs the office for a team of builders and they will come to see me the next day, never happens.

1. We are having a party, I discuss catering with my parents, she interrupts that she was a professional caterer and will do all the catering as a present to me.

1. She has volunteered to paint our house, redo our decking, relay the patio, buy me a designer bag, give legal advice, cut hair.. the list is endless and it is all nonsense. I don’t want or need her to do anything for me but I literally cannot have a conversation with my family because of her, she is always around them.

I have discussed it with my brother and he said that she believes what she says when she says it. What can I do?

@JustThatSameOldSong

I knew her sister v well and with some types of BPD, it's about trying to evade feelings of shame and low self or unstable sense of self worth. This lady was also on benefits and had some physical disability she needed mobility aids for so I think she felt v inaedequate.

That's really said. I do think a lot of people who make things up need support not castigation, as you would try to support a child.

I've known a compulsive liar or two in my time, but none this extreme. I feel sorry for your brother's kids, if they're having to spend much time with this woman. It must be so frustrating to have someone in your life who lies all the time, and they don't have any way of escaping! Your brother needs to put their needs above his own.

Unless your brother lives with your parents, it seems odd that she's always there when you're trying to speak to them. You could save discussions of things where you need their specific in-put for phone/zoom, when she's not around. Saying you don't want to mix family and business is a good idea, except she'll probably still try to insist. At some point, you'll just have to be firm enough that she gets the message to butt out.

Really stupid (and irresponsible!) of your brother to have this person around his kids. She has very likely already fucked them up, and they have no choice to get away from her. I hope their main residence is with their mum, and not your DB.
Also don't get why your family will have her at the house THAT OFTEN. You've said they all hate the lying, why don't they/ you all simply cut contact?
All you have to say to your brother is you really can't deal with the constant lying. You don't know who she is, all you hear is lies - this is a sufficient reason to not want her around. Why is everyone pussy footing around her and your DB so much?

@Flymetothezoom

In all honesty I'm going to be a little harsh; you and your family need to stop enabling her. Ignoring it or going along with it will only make it worse, as it will continue.

@Hoplesscynic my brother and his kids live with my parents. Their mother went NC many years ago.

Sorry to hear about the mum being NC, how horrible for the children🙁
Makes sense she's at your parents' a lot if your brother lives with them. In this case all you can do as a family, is talk to your DB and try to help him see the impact of this woman. But even if he is happy to enable her lies, that doesn't mean the rest of you should too. If you start calling her out on it every time, she may get embarrassed/understand you won't take her crap anymore and eventually stop.

If she has so much access to his children, I'd have a serious talk with him about her influence on them. If they see her constantly and compulsively lying, and not being picked up on it, it's pretty clear what they're learning about dishonesty from her.
If I was his parents witnessing this, I'd be having a word too.

For the sake of the kids, you and your parents should be stepping up here instead of pussyfooting around her. The kids need to know that you know when someone's lying and that a liar will be picked up on it.

“Stop talking shit, Brenda.”

Perfect

I would say blimey you’ve been around a bit haven’t ya! Jack of all trades but we all know you are master of none

Does her name begin with F by any chance? A red head? In a city beginning with E?
You could just be describing someone I used to associate with.
The bullshit was just disgusting. Even claimed to have cancer....
We no longer associate for obvious reasons.
I really couldn't put up with that and I have no idea why your brother would either 🤷🏻‍♀️
If they split up and she's anything like ex associate she could try and do some real damage with lies.

I used to work with someone like this. It became a bit of a game. If you planted a thought, a whole exaggerated story would emerge within a week, usually involving her v rich Arab boyfriend, 'Solly Goldberg'.

@Neverendingmindfuck no we are in the south

I just don't get why you are all enabling this woman? By not calling her on it then you are enabling her behaviour and reinforcing the idea that it is okay for her to lie.

I would be calling her out on it every single time so she learns to not do this. Like, hell, the idea you are letting a pathological liar just coast along because you are afraid of some awkwardness is unreal. If she lies about small things then how long before she lies about something bigger? Or lies about you, or your brother? By failing to act you are setting yourself and your family up for problems later.

Her lies are also likely affecting your reputation and that of your family because she is associated with you. If she is a liar of such magnitude then other people have likely worked out that she is untrustworthy which tarnishes you also.

This woman needs to be called on her behaviour regularly and refered to mental health support.

The reason it’s lasted so long with the OP’a DB is because he’s so utterly malleable. She’s basically Walter Mitty.

Sounds like a Catherine Tate character.

is it Nessa from Gavin and Stacey?

FYI compulsive lying is a very often a defense mechanism for children being brought up in seriously dodgy circumstances who learn to lie continually to save themselves.

I was about to say this! She was my favourite character. All she wanted to do was help.

Forgot to quote! This is what I meant by my favourite character!

My SIL is like this and criminally so. Her family all believe her version of events or just let it go but the lies are just unbelievable and it’s easier in most examples to tell the truth.

i let it go for many years as it’s clear she isn’t well. However when she ruined a big birthday of mine I switched and now just troll her for my own petty laughs.

So my responses in your examples would be

”I used to be a professional caterer”
No way! I bet you make a banging sausage and chips. Ah thanks for doing dinner, hun. (Walk off).

”I am a professional hairdresser”
Brilliant but I’m also a hairdresser and I noticed you have some noticeable roots at the back so let me just sort that for you (start looking for domestos)

Ask when she’s coming along to church with you and if she says she can’t, insist because you’ve told the priest you’d introduce her after what she said last week about her dedication to the Catholic faith. You can’t disappoint the lord SIL!!!!

Don’t worry about the builder SIL, I knocked up this extension myself. Missed that bit of plastering tho, could you just nip to Wickes and buy the right caulk.

The point about Nessa was it was all true.

It's very possible that she does believe what she says when she says it. That is typical of several personality disorders. Other than telling her, "Thanks, I have it handled," there isn't much that you can do about it. I do feel for your brother, though. He's going to lose friends over this woman, if he hasn't already. It doesn't sound like a sustainable relationship, and is one that could get him into legal trouble before it is over.

Does he not find her behaviour strange? Maybe she has some sort of MH issue?

Sounds like she has an inferiority complex. Get your brother to get her some help.

What can I do?

Call her out every time.
Sometimes the British politeness does us no favours.

I like @Thehop's response.

Or you could say "of course you did/have/can" and laugh, then carry on the conversation.