Brother’s GF can’t stop lying

[Flymetothezoom]

I have recently moved nearer to my family after being away for 20 years. I am getting to know my brothers GF of 6 years. She never stops lying. Examples:

1. She is Catholic/Roma/Jewish/Protestant depending on the topic of conversation.

1. She earns £10k a month, even though she gets housing support and constantly borrows money

1. She was a top DJ/lawyer/chef -she actually worked in a call centre.

1. She runs two employment unions, works 20 hours a day on her business and has a day job.

I don’t care so much about these inconsequential lies, although they stop the flow of conversation because no matter the topic she is an expert and has done everything. These lies don’t really impact me but her nonsensical promises stop any of us in the family having a conversation.

For example:

1. We are having a Christening and were discussing cakes and she stops the conversation by saying that she was a professional baker and the cake will be a gift to us. She wasn’t, she didn’t. Luckily I suspected she wouldn’t so I got a back up cake.

1. We needed a builder, she stops the conversation by saying that she runs the office for a team of builders and they will come to see me the next day, never happens.

1. We are having a party, I discuss catering with my parents, she interrupts that she was a professional caterer and will do all the catering as a present to me.

1. She has volunteered to paint our house, redo our decking, relay the patio, buy me a designer bag, give legal advice, cut hair.. the list is endless and it is all nonsense. I don’t want or need her to do anything for me but I literally cannot have a conversation with my family because of her, she is always around them.

I have discussed it with my brother and he said that she believes what she says when she says it. What can I do?

Not sure if it was supposed to but the OP gave me a good laugh. 😂 unfortunately the annoyance of her lying probably outweighs the entertainment factor. How on earth does your brother put up with her?

Can you take her out for lunch and gently ask why she goes it? Or will this cause ww3?

Some sort of disorder I would suggest. I know someone like this, a man in his 30s, only his lies are not quite on the scale of this thread. He's well known for it and I have challenged him on numerous occasions. He gets very defensive when challenged

I worked with one of these. It was bloody exhausting.
We never had to deal with it because she failed her probationary period.

BIL married someone like that. We tried to be friendly at first but her lies were so outrageous and easily disproved. We called her Walter Mitty. We just saw as little of her as we could and ignored. I was worried she would lie and it would impact us in some way, I was always on edge. Long story short the marriage lasted 4 months, she got BIL arrested lying about him hitting her and then spent the next 8 years lying about where she lived, avoiding service of divorce papers.
I’d check he’s ok. Make clear you are going zero tolerance. Avoid where possible. If you can’t and she lies then I’d have a set phrase eg no x we all know that’s not going to happen etc. Then move conversation on.

I used to work with someone like this. The thing is she really believed what she was saying, so I wondered if it was some sort of mental illness? She lost her job in the end, after telling a terrible lie about one of the children's parents (she was a teacher). I felt a bit sorry for her because she probably needed some sort of psychiatric help really. As far as I know she got another job in a school.

she sounds mentally ill, if she really believes this shit then what happens when she cant actually do what she said, does she just BELIEVE she could do it but chose not too? like wtf is that excuse ?

Is your SIL British?

I just ask because my SIL is American and she has a tendency to do this. There’s often an element of truth so for example the religion thing being a big one she’s sometimes Jewish (cause she had a great grandmother), catholic (she went to catholic school) wtc.

Jobs she’s similar she’s been a teacher (she ran some volunteer art classes) etc. it use to annoy me, but when I went on her hen do all her friends from home were a bit like this. I don’t think it’s seen as lying, more “selling yourself”.

So I just smile now and as you say any offers of assistance I say thanks but no thanks.

Also id be wary of those lies. Hope he isn't planning on having kids with her, I knew a lady like that... her kids had all sorts of ailments and problems (lies) , caused her to lose her kids to SS. Everyone said she just wanted the attention but i think she was seriously mentally ill

As for mental illness she claims to have BPD and anxiety but she also claims to have dyslexia, autism, Asperger’s and ADHD. If you discuss any condition or illness she has had it.

A personality disorder for sure I'd think.

Why is your brother with her?

@Seraphinesupport she has 3 teenagers but lost custody of two of them a few years ago. The one that still lives with her is trans and autistic and a pyromaniac according to her but there is no evidence that any of that is true.

She sounds absolutely nuts. Your poor brother how does he stand it?!

You either have to laugh it off and ignore, or if it's becoming a big problem then do what others have suggested and call her out on it.

@BemoreDerek

She sounds like that Catherine Tate character who says 'I can do that' to everything! How do you not say 'well you said that about the cake/builders etc and that never happened' when she offers something new? She wouldn't last 5 minutes in my family, she'd get roundly taken the piss out of every time she did it

haha, just what i was going to say!

I have a very good friend who was like this. In the end I just started telling him it wasn't true. The problem more or less cleared up after that.

@Cocolapew

I work with someone like this, she was never challenged due to nobody wanting to embarrass her/ cause an atmosphere. Then she told a lie about me that could have got me in major trouble. After that if she said she had done something I just said no you didn't and carried on talking over her, others started too and she stopped, at least around us

This is the best approach.

She has hit a goldmine of a family if you are all too scared to say anything as simple as 'No, you didn't' to her.

Jesus. This sounds a heady combination of tragic, hilarious and excruciatingly embarrassing. Mainly tragic, I think.

She sounds quite unwell. I would treat her with kindness but I also would take anything she said with a pinch of salt.

It’s easy to be polite about it until one day she will make up a lie about you or your family. The politeness should have stopped a long time ago.

When you say she lost custody of her kids - were they taken into care? Does she have zero legal access? Both of those would be big red flags to me and I'd start coming back to significant mental illness...

@ApolloandDaphne

She sounds quite unwell. I would treat her with kindness but I also would take anything she said with a pinch of salt.

I disagree, she needs a firm approach, not kindness.

didn’t that make it excruciatingly awkward?

more awkward than not being able to have conversations with your family?

I would worry about my brother if he were in that situation and you should make checking up on him a priority.

After that? either shut her down right away: "no, you didn't, just like the builders/cake/whatever" and then turn away and carry on as though she and you had said nothing.

Or engage fully. "cake? let's do it like this, with these tiers and these flavour and icing like this, look i have a Pinterest board we could do it like this, and this, with a bit of that and this and this one here!!" ad nauseum. Every time. (I'd do that because I am an absolute vindictive twat).

But she needs help. As does her child.

What does your brother say about this? Why does he want to be with someone who does this?

OP, you could call her out in a gentle way, such as, “Now Jane, you know that’s not true”, and then continue. Say something but don’t make a big deal out it.

My middle sister and her boyfriend are like this.

Mostly his fantasies are harmless - he invented the childproof stair gate, he roadied for Led Zeppelin (he’d have been age 2....), that sort of thing.

My sister’s life is one long crash, burn and re-invent. She’s currently going through a charity do-gooder phase after years of scamming money off family. The pair of them are long term unemployed.

However watch yourself, because this behaviour can either be harmless Walter Mitty syndrome stuff, or signs of expert narcissism, and that led to my sister managing to exile me from much of my family.
They’ll do anything to keep up their image, whilst trying to avoid self destruction. The internet isn’t kind to them, as it keeps a record of their behaviour, so eventually they get caught.

Your brother’s GF has obviously been like this for much of her life sounds like, you can’t change it. If confronted she’ll be expert at extricating herself from the accusation anyway.

Some foibles in family you just have to put up with, like the ones who are always late, the ones who are unreliable, etc etc