Brother’s GF can’t stop lying

[Flymetothezoom]

I have recently moved nearer to my family after being away for 20 years. I am getting to know my brothers GF of 6 years. She never stops lying. Examples:

1. She is Catholic/Roma/Jewish/Protestant depending on the topic of conversation.

1. She earns £10k a month, even though she gets housing support and constantly borrows money

1. She was a top DJ/lawyer/chef -she actually worked in a call centre.

1. She runs two employment unions, works 20 hours a day on her business and has a day job.

I don’t care so much about these inconsequential lies, although they stop the flow of conversation because no matter the topic she is an expert and has done everything. These lies don’t really impact me but her nonsensical promises stop any of us in the family having a conversation.

For example:

1. We are having a Christening and were discussing cakes and she stops the conversation by saying that she was a professional baker and the cake will be a gift to us. She wasn’t, she didn’t. Luckily I suspected she wouldn’t so I got a back up cake.

1. We needed a builder, she stops the conversation by saying that she runs the office for a team of builders and they will come to see me the next day, never happens.

1. We are having a party, I discuss catering with my parents, she interrupts that she was a professional caterer and will do all the catering as a present to me.

1. She has volunteered to paint our house, redo our decking, relay the patio, buy me a designer bag, give legal advice, cut hair.. the list is endless and it is all nonsense. I don’t want or need her to do anything for me but I literally cannot have a conversation with my family because of her, she is always around them.

I have discussed it with my brother and he said that she believes what she says when she says it. What can I do?

Hard to see how your brother ever has a conversation with her!

I think bluntness - without pisstaking is the way forward.

When she offers help, say, “no thank you.”

Why is it happening so often that she’s in these conversations though? Is everything in a huge WhatsApp group? I can’t remember the last time my sibling’s partners were part of a conversation arranging things.

You have to take some action with these sort of people, she is in her own world about her own fantastic pursuits, and wont change unless she is challenged about her annoying ways. You really have to do this, as you say she is always making family conversations awkward. Nothing wrong in enlightening people sometimes.

I would find the lying annoying too and think it's telling that 2 of her 3 DC have chosen not to live with her.

I think it's important to find out if she genuinely has any mental health issues. She does sound similar to a friend of mine, who is bipolar, when she's not on her meds.

Can you ask your DB if she is on / has been / meant to be taking medication?

If she does have mental health issues you need to tread carefully and with empathy.

This is a lot more than just being a bog-standard liar, isn't it? She's genuinely unwell. As your brother says, she believes what she's saying when she says it - if she could control the lying, she'd be more consistent with her stories and wouldn't make stuff up that could be so easily disproved or that she couldn't deliver on.

It's interesting that a lot of her lies surface when she wants to suggest she can do something for you - cakes, builders, haircuts, legal advice, catering etc. It sounds like she's absolutely obsessed with being able to do stuff for people and demonstrate her usefulness and make them grateful - it's almost like a less harmful version of those awful cases where caregivers deliberately keep someone ill because they want to look after them and be praised for a what a great carer they are, or because they think if they don't have anyone to look after, they'll have no purpose/identity in life. Almost like they're addicted to being needed/valued.

My guess is that she has serious issues that go way, way back to her own childhood, and I'm not surprised she doesn't have custody of all her children because this kind of lying isn't just showing off or embellishing stuff for attention; it's something way deeper and indicative of something very wrong. Does your brother really not see this? Or does he see it and just not want to acknowledge it or discuss it?

I think I would be inclined to have a conversation that was not along the lines of 'Why does your girlfriend tell lies? It's annoying' but 'Your girlfriend's behaviour is not normal or OK and is genuinely worrying. You must see that this is a serious mental health issue? Have you never tried to address this with her, because it's at a point now where it's out of control and makes it impossible to be around her.'

"You always say that and then you let me down." And then just carry on with your conversation. Just keep "no you weren't" "no you won't" "stop, I'm trying to organise something properly ."

You can't just keep letting it happen. You need to put a stop to it. It's going to be awkward as he'll and she might get pissed off but if you all maintain then she'll stop. She certainly won't stop if you all keep pretending you believe her.

My ex MIL had these tendencies although your brothers GF sounds much worse. EX MIL didn’t have the best of childhoods and was/is being abused by ex FIL. It really very sad, she used to fabricate stories to explain/hide the abuse and I think she was just so used to making things up she struggled to separate reality from fantasy.

Is there a possibility your brother’s GF has been the victim of abuse in the past?

You need to be careful
Some people like this have a carefully crafted view of themselves and if you challenge it they will turn on you - she’s lying to you so she’s probably also lying about you.
Keep your distance

I can imagine Kevin Bridge's response "Did ye, aye?"

compulive liars sounds like a problem a she lost custody of her kids probably due to er lies

be careful they end up accusing you of things

@Flymetothezoom I'm going to give a different perspective.
Your brother and family have a tacit agreement to tolerate her behaviour, and I wonder how they will react if you decide to challenge her. They may turn on you. It might be worth talking to other family members and ask 'whats going on with X, has anyone said anything to her about her lying?' See how they react.

@notanothertakeaway

I can imagine Kevin Bridge's response "Did ye, aye?"

Kevin Bridges "Did ye aye?"

Sounds like SIL have really low esteem and is trying to make her seem more intelligent or interesting than she thinks she is which really is a shame for her because it seems like she can never really relax and be herself if in fact she does know who she is. I am not sure I would call her out because she seems to be embarrassed already with her way of life. Maybe ask questions about her real job and say well that sounds more interesting than mine. She does sound like hard work though not sure if my suggestion helps you but mns does give a lot of useful advice which hopefully will help you x

Let’s not pretend that will happen, Jane, it’ll be just like the cake/builders/haircuts. Haha. Now then where were we?

I like this from TheHop it's stopping her in her tracks by bringing up her former lies but not dwelling on it to cause a giant scene.

Throwntothewolves that’s eerily similar to BIL’s ex wife. The drawing attention to herself. The first time we all went out for a meal in a chain pub she was clicking her fingers at the waiter it was awful. The domestic violence incident (he hadn’t hit her it was lies) resulted in him in cells overnight as police were zero tolerance to DV, luckily a neighbour gave evidence that the incident hadn’t happened as she alleged.

If she genuinely believes what she is saying is true at the time, it sounds like she has some sort of personality disorder which is a mental health illness. I would have a quiet talk with her to see whether this is something she recognises. I would approach her with kindness and sympathy and if appropriate during the conversation, urge her to get some counselling.

Next time she offers something you could politely say "oh no, thank you but I don't take offers of help from friends/relatives anymore, too many times I've been let down by certain people promising things that never come to fruition" and leave it at that.

* This. You need to challenge her so she can see that actually people can see right through her. You can guarantee she does this to others who may actually take her lies at face value as in the christening cake example. The longer she gets away with this the more she will do it.*

^This. I’d also encourage your brother to dump her. You don’t her in your family especially if they have kids

[quote Flymetothezoom]@Cocolapew didn’t that make it excruciatingly awkward?[/quote]
I think this has gone beyond the stage of a non-awkward solution. I would suggest a series talk with your brother where you tell him that you moved back to be closer to your family, but now find yourself wanting to spend less time with them, because every conversation is a minefield of ‘Oh, I’ll redecorate your house - I worked as an interior designer to the stars before I was a research scientist and in between stints as a supermodel’. Be clear that you’ve had as much as you can handle of this and that she’s going to drive you and everyone away if things don’t change.

Is her name gemma because I knew someone EXACTLY like this at uni and it was utterly wild!

If it's that bad why do you think your brother's with her, OP?

[quote Flymetothezoom]@Seraphinesupport she has 3 teenagers but lost custody of two of them a few years ago. The one that still lives with her is trans and autistic and a pyromaniac according to her but there is no evidence that any of that is true.[/quote]
Have you ever actually met this troubled teen? Is it possible s/he is also an invention?

My uncle is exactly like this, but also makes up really odd unnecessary lies and stories for zero reason which he sometimes can't get out of 😳 its bizarre!

Anyway, everyone pussy-footed around him for years until one day my brother just got fed up and snapped at him 'well that didn't happen did it', to one of his lies.

He continues to lie but just avoids my brother now. He'll never change even his partner rolls her eyes at some of his stories

Sorry OP, I didn’t read your subsequent comments, which is unusual for me. I’d just be there to support my brother if I was you, she sounds unhinged.

If it was me I'd say to my brother look, I've had enough of her compulsive lying. From now on I'm not going to tolerate her bullshit so either tell her to stop lying or to stay away from me until she gets help.

Worked with someone like this, all of it was self-aggrandising or to manipulate things in her favour.

I think she was deeply insecure and her lies would escalate to the point where she would need to kill off a character in her narrative. Sad really.