Brother’s GF can’t stop lying

[Flymetothezoom]

I have recently moved nearer to my family after being away for 20 years. I am getting to know my brothers GF of 6 years. She never stops lying. Examples:

1. She is Catholic/Roma/Jewish/Protestant depending on the topic of conversation.

1. She earns £10k a month, even though she gets housing support and constantly borrows money

1. She was a top DJ/lawyer/chef -she actually worked in a call centre.

1. She runs two employment unions, works 20 hours a day on her business and has a day job.

I don’t care so much about these inconsequential lies, although they stop the flow of conversation because no matter the topic she is an expert and has done everything. These lies don’t really impact me but her nonsensical promises stop any of us in the family having a conversation.

For example:

1. We are having a Christening and were discussing cakes and she stops the conversation by saying that she was a professional baker and the cake will be a gift to us. She wasn’t, she didn’t. Luckily I suspected she wouldn’t so I got a back up cake.

1. We needed a builder, she stops the conversation by saying that she runs the office for a team of builders and they will come to see me the next day, never happens.

1. We are having a party, I discuss catering with my parents, she interrupts that she was a professional caterer and will do all the catering as a present to me.

1. She has volunteered to paint our house, redo our decking, relay the patio, buy me a designer bag, give legal advice, cut hair.. the list is endless and it is all nonsense. I don’t want or need her to do anything for me but I literally cannot have a conversation with my family because of her, she is always around them.

I have discussed it with my brother and he said that she believes what she says when she says it. What can I do?

What happens when you challenge her? When she says she's Catholic, act confused and say, didn't you tell me you were Jewish? What about chasing her up on the things she's promised?

On the day of the birthday party, announce to the room that she has kindly made a cake and you cannot wait to see it. Would she deny that she said it?

Very strange...

Is she like this all the time or have you noticed times when she doesn’t behave this way? I have a close family member who believes she has experiences and capabilities that she doesn’t have, but only during manic episodes. She has bipolar disorder. When she is “well” (on medication ) she doesn’t behave like this at all. She has claimed to have various degrees and qualifications that she doesn’t have, and that she has run various businesses, and that she has been in relationships with people she has not....But only says things like this when she has been hyper/manic.

@Flymetothezoom

As for mental illness she claims to have BPD and anxiety but she also claims to have dyslexia, autism, Asperger’s and ADHD. If you discuss any condition or illness she has had it.

You have your answer then, turn the conversation to someone you know who is a pathological liar and she will say she is one too

At that point you could raise the issue

I am another one who cannot understand why your brother is with her.

Sounds like that flap book is it Mr Ben? Where he has a new job with each outfit.

Could always be like Miss Rabbi and genuinely have loads of jobs? (Unlikely though)

You should seriously take her up on the offer in front of a group situation i.e let her promise to cater then when she doesn't she will fail in front of everyone?

@Flymetothezoom

As for mental illness she claims to have BPD and anxiety but she also claims to have dyslexia, autism, Asperger’s and ADHD. If you discuss any condition or illness she has had it.

my friend's adopted DD had a problem separating her fantasy life from reality - her birth mother had been alcohol dependent - the damage to this girl's brain was not severe enough for it to be FAS but the damage was there, and emerged more as she grew up. She totally believed that what she was saying, at the time, was true. It was most bizarre and very sad.

@BemoreDerek

She sounds like that Catherine Tate character who says 'I can do that' to everything! How do you not say 'well you said that about the cake/builders etc and that never happened' when she offers something new? She wouldn't last 5 minutes in my family, she'd get roundly taken the piss out of every time she did it

Ha ha, I immediately thought of the Catherine Tate character, too.

And, likewise, I think taking the piss out of her every time she starts yet another fantasist schtick, would be my go-to.

@Lastsecondfail

Sounds like that flap book is it Mr Ben? Where he has a new job with each outfit.

Could always be like Miss Rabbi and genuinely have loads of jobs? (Unlikely though)

You should seriously take her up on the offer in front of a group situation i.e let her promise to cater then when she doesn't she will fail in front of everyone?

Miss Rabbit (not Rabbi) from Peppa pig (not the Rabbi's wife- which would suit her lies about being Jewish)

She sounds seriously ill, I’d be very careful around her, what if she accused your brother/your family of abusing her, for example? It could get serious very quickly. I personally think that your brother should end the relationship…and she’ll probably spout some BS about how awful he is when he does.☹️

Perhaps when she offers to do something you can say 'oh, we don't like to get jobs done by family' to move the conversation on (or at least continue it without her interrupting on that particular subject again).

If your brother has been with her for 6 years it doesn't bother him so he's extremely unlikely to do anything about it.

@barbrahunter

I am another one who cannot understand why your brother is with her.

I find it hard to understand, too - how can he be in love with someone when he can’t actually know her personality, what she does/is, how she really thinks or feels about anything? The only certain thing he can know is that she never tells the truth.

It all sounds to me as though she is either dealing with significant trauma, and this is a coping mechanism, or she is seriously unwell, and needs help with that. I am not sure that by indulging it you are all helping at all. But only professionals would know the right thing to do.

[quote Flymetothezoom]@Cocolapew didn’t that make it excruciatingly awkward?[/quote]
No more awkward than the conversation stopping to listen to her tell more lies, nobody knew what to say when she did it.

@BeanyBops her two other kids wanted to live with their father and he got residency. She still sees them occasionally but they live far away.

I agree with others that her lies could turn nasty very quickly. Attention seeking people dont usually care if anyone gets hurt.

@barbrahunter

I am another one who cannot understand why your brother is with her.

Me too. You said "I have discussed it with my brother and he said that she believes what she says when she says it." Which says to me that he knows she's lying.

So, given that most relationships are based on mutual trust, and trust is built on truth - what is their relationship built on?

If it was me I’d have fun with it, I’d wind her up constantly. ‘Come on then Susan, we need the benefit of your expertise here. What should I do about this very niche complex problem?’ ‘Oh, I thought you’d know as you said you’d been a professional steeplejack.’

Ignore her and advise your brother to get away from her. He must at the very least be embarrassed by some of the things she says. The lies may seem harmless just now, but I think this sort of behaviour is about attention, I'm sure there must be some kind of mental health issue at play.
My DB had a girlfriend who sounds very similar. At first it was just odd and mildly amusing, but she escalated her behaviour when everyone started ignoring her usual nonsense, would make scenes in public, pretend to be drunk/high, kick off in restaurants etc. Eventually she deliberately hurt herself and DB was interviewed by the Police as they tried to join the dots when she refused to say what happened. He didn't do anything wrong and yet he was being treated as if he were abusing her. That was the final straw for him.

OMG - she lost custody of her kids?? I would say that this is a form of mental illness that she needs to distract her from whatever she feels about her missing DCs. A bit like OCD. I would look into the psychological reasons behind it.

Your brother must be a bit of a rescuer - why would he be like this? (more psychology)

I suspect that at least one of the mental health issues is not a lie…. I wish for your family’s sake (especially his) that she would move onto greener pastures. If he breaks up with her, it will be an utter nightmare.

I think is very dangerous-one poster has said her brothers gf was similar and decided Hd’d hit her. What f she decides she was raped ?

you have my sympathies...my brother's ex was like this but all her lies were designed to extract every shred of sympathy for her as her life had been chaos. Father hanged himself, brother hanged himself and the family dog, she was lost in the desert for three days, shot, mugged, set on fire and three life limiting illnesses etc etc. She was all little and fluffy and EVERYONE felt so sorry for her. Until one day when she spectacularly outed her self in from of my dh and m (by mistake) and she changed with us overnight.
Her lies were then directed at us---my dh had beaten her up whilst I watched laughing, we'd stolen her money blah blah and she turned the whole family against us...not one would believe us- only her.
Caused several years of dreadful ill feeling where family and friends wouldn't speak to us until she did slip up and then it all came out

I see her on occasion and have to really rein in the urge to kick her right up the arse!

@Fraaahnces I am scared of what would happen if they break up. He has two young teenagers. She could say anything. However as far as I know none of her lies are malicious. They are all self aggrandising.

I worked with someone like this and it was really wearing. A lot of the lies were pretty inconsequential but over time became more serious, saying things about colleagues that were untrue. Never really got to the bottom of what was going on but it definitely seemed like something she couldn't help rather than something she had spent time planning. Challenging things was met with puzzlement on her part, really did seem like she believed the things she said at the time.

What on earth is your brother doing with her?

My friend was seeing a guy who was like this. When I first met him, he claimed to have a motorbike, best friends with the local restaurant owner, once lived in Ireland, the list goes on and on… I managed to catch him out a few times by questioning some of this. Once my friend became wise to the bullshit, she closed it down. A few weeks later, he gets in touch claiming he has cancer. We thought he wouldn’t lie about that.. turns out to be lies. After confronting him with all the lies and our ‘evidence’ he then pulled out the suicidal card and put us in a very difficult position. We probably didn’t go about it the right away hitting him all at once with every lie he had told.

I think challenging them is the best way but do it there and then. I think these sorts of people do have some sort of disorder.

Good luck!