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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To date a man that left his marriage for me?

106 replies

jules96 · 19/04/2022 01:24

I don't want to write the whole story out here but I've had some backlash for this in the real life and I think it's slightly unfair, but maybe I am just being completely stupid.

Current partner was in a 2 year marriage where the marriage although of course not directly for a visa, was part of the reason why he married her (she is from a different country and came here to study) but they did have a loving marriage while it was there and were considering children.

We came across each other and we shared so many very specific similarities and we both fit extremely well. In the end, he decided he had to leave the marriage and we became official. It's not a nice situation obviously, especially for his ex wife.

However, a lot of my friends are very negative about the whole thing, telling me if he's done it to someone before, I'll be next, or I can't trust someone like that etc etc. but I personally don't really get it, everyone has dating history and usually dated someone before and I understand it's not great we met during their marriage but it happened and there's not much that can be done as you don't decide when you meet someone...

Genuinely would like to know if it's really that strange to trust him and see my own future with him?

OP posts:

Hospedia · 19/04/2022 01:34

"Became official", does that mean you were unofficially together prior to him leaving his wife...?

Ultimately its your life and your choice but I'd be wary of jumping in with both feet. Aside from the fact that he's a confirmed adulterer, he's literally just left a marriage - do you want to start a serious relationship off the back of that? What if he decides he preferred his wife or that he'd like to explore being single for a while? There are so many negatives here.

Whiskersonkittens21 · 19/04/2022 01:36

"but I personally don't really get it, everyone has dating history and usually dated someone before and I understand it's not great we met during their marriage but it happened and there's not much that can be done as you don't decide when you meet someone..."

There's quite a big difference though between having an ex, and someone leaving a marriage for you. You know that.

I'd be very cautious if I were you.

RogueBorg · 19/04/2022 01:39

“When a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy.”

Not always true but I’ve seen it happen too many times IRL not to think you should be extremely cautious of men like that.

Doona · 19/04/2022 01:40

Sounds as though he has a weak character.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/04/2022 01:45

We came across each other and we shared so many very specific similarities and we both fit extremely well. In the end, he decided he had to leave the marriage and we became official.

To misquote Seinfeld you yadda-yaddaed through some very important stuff.

I assume he was lying and cheating for a while before he left. Which is the actual problem. Not leaving an unhappy marriage or wanting to be elsewhere.

Hunderland · 19/04/2022 01:56

How did you 'come across each other'?

AlternativePerspective · 19/04/2022 01:58

So, you know the man is a liar and a cheat, and you were presumably happy with that when it wasn’t you he was lying to or cheating on.

Of course it’s possible to end up in a long term relationship with someone who was the result of an affair, however, your relationship is built on lies and deception. Even if he never cheats on you, you know he’s capable of it. Is that the kind of person you want to be with?

BitterTits · 19/04/2022 02:01

YABU

AlternativePerspective · 19/04/2022 02:02

Incidentally, a quick google will tell you that only 5/7% of affairs end up in marriage, and around 75% of those marriages end in divorce. So it’s not exactly a great statistic for the beginning to a happy ever after is it?

Robinni · 19/04/2022 02:03

I’d be very wary.

Yes everyone had a dating history.

This wasn’t dating. He was married and off the market.

To be respectful to you, her and himself he should have not entertained any new relationship when the marriage was ongoing. It says a lot about his character that he was unable to do this.

Momijin · 19/04/2022 02:05

Only 2 years married and he leaves her for you? In only 2 years they were that serious that they were considering marriage?

I'd be wary

larkstar · 19/04/2022 02:12

@jules96 duh! What do you think!?

Tunnockswafer · 19/04/2022 02:15

My dh left his wife when he met me. We didn't have an affair, but he did "fall" for me (work colleagues) and I suppose used this as the impetus for him to leave.
Not my finest hour. We have been together for 25 years though so it doesn't seem to be a pattern he is going to repeat.

tolerable · 19/04/2022 02:17

see how ostriches..all sorta legs n fluffy arse.dont fly
do they shut theyre eyes when head in sand.
why yonly dating him?? mybe she'll lend you her dress-inconvienient meeting sod all to do wi marrying a louse.
am not actual nasty-hang as they grow.
alot of your "friends"no longer trust you. eeva

BadNomad · 19/04/2022 02:19

What people are getting at when they say you can't trust him is that someone who cheats while married shows their character. Their morals. Their thinking. Their attitude. How they view trust and commitment. Most people think starting a relationship with someone while you are already in a relationship is wrong so they won't do it. But your guy does do that. That is why he is not trustworthy. You can't ever be confident that you are the only woman he is in a relationship with.

DropYourSword · 19/04/2022 02:46

The problem is...they're right.

It's not an absolute given he'll cheat on you. But you know he's capable of doing it

silentpool · 19/04/2022 03:09

You already know what he is going to do when the going gets tough - lie, cheat and find someone else.

Fleur405 · 19/04/2022 03:12

Well I feel confident that my OH would never lie to me / cheat on me / betray my trust - he’s just not that type of person who would ever want to treat someone that way. Your boyfriend on the other hand…

RustyShackleford3 · 19/04/2022 03:23

If he was lying to his wife about any of this then yes, it is strange that you would trust him. He's proven to you that he can lie to his wife. Why do you think he wouldn't lie to you too? Perhaps in a couple of years he'll meet a woman who he really clicks with... Who could have seen that coming? Sometimes it just happens, right? So he starts lying to you about this new woman, for the exact same reasons that he lied to his first wife.

Please don't be a fool, OP. You deserve better.

Butfirstcoffees · 19/04/2022 03:24

He has shown he can be in a loving relationship with someone he lives and sees a future with, can plan that future with them and then simply change his kind and fuck them over.

You can't be that naive that you don't see the risks/issues here and that you never anticipated that people would judge both you and him over it.

Are you very young? How old is he?

ZerotwoZero · 19/04/2022 03:25

So his first marriage he claims was partially to get her a visa, so he is a liar and a system cheat. Then he leaves her for you when he claimed to be inline and thinking of children. Sounds like a piece of shit to me, wonder how much he was paid to marry her in first place.

ShammyJammy · 19/04/2022 03:26

You are definitely re-writing this. "When we came across each other"

You've both done a shit thing. Don't make it out like it was a marriage of convenience for him and his wife.

And yes, he could possibly do it to you.

Poppins2016 · 19/04/2022 03:28

People have already mentioned the reasons to be cautious. People don't (often) change, so once someone has cheated they'll often make the same decision again (new vacancy for a mistress, etc.).

However I suppose there are shades of grey and there are occasions where this scenario does work out. I know someone who met her now DH when he was married to someone else and they're now happily married with children 20+ years on.

You're taking a risk. You're the only person who can decide how big that risk is and whether it's right for you.

StrongCoffeAvalanche · 19/04/2022 03:29

I tend to find friends know best in these situations. And they clearly don't trust him. After all, he is an adulterer.

But I do feel like you've already made your decision, regardless what anyone says...

FiveShelties · 19/04/2022 03:39

I understand it's not great we met during their marriage but it happened and there's not much that can be done as you don't decide when you meet someone...

Will you be as understanding if he meets someone else when you are together?

If you will, then go for it.

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