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Original poster

To date a man that left his marriage for me?

106 replies

jules96 · 19/04/2022 01:24

I don't want to write the whole story out here but I've had some backlash for this in the real life and I think it's slightly unfair, but maybe I am just being completely stupid.

Current partner was in a 2 year marriage where the marriage although of course not directly for a visa, was part of the reason why he married her (she is from a different country and came here to study) but they did have a loving marriage while it was there and were considering children.

We came across each other and we shared so many very specific similarities and we both fit extremely well. In the end, he decided he had to leave the marriage and we became official. It's not a nice situation obviously, especially for his ex wife.

However, a lot of my friends are very negative about the whole thing, telling me if he's done it to someone before, I'll be next, or I can't trust someone like that etc etc. but I personally don't really get it, everyone has dating history and usually dated someone before and I understand it's not great we met during their marriage but it happened and there's not much that can be done as you don't decide when you meet someone...

Genuinely would like to know if it's really that strange to trust him and see my own future with him?

OP posts:
ImAvingOops · 19/04/2022 06:45

Being married isn't just 'a dating history'.
Sounds like he used his wife for a visa and dumped her when he found something better - yep, he's a keeper!

cocktailclub · 19/04/2022 06:47

Agreed that people can make mistakes, can change in relationships and become incompatible. They end the relationship, recover and allow themselves to start dating again. I wouldn't worry about trusting either partner in this scenario.

Then there is the scenario I imagine applies to your situation although you have glossed over the details. As lots of people have said it's the bit when he was married and having an affair with you. That doesn't sound like a totally trustworthy partner.

PurpleFlower1983 · 19/04/2022 06:51

This happened to me with my ex, we didn’t act physically on it but we clicked and knew it would go somewhere if he was single. He left her and we got together and we’re together for 9 years. He cheated multiple times in that time from about 4 months in. He was a weak, abusive twat and I put it down to the naivety and stupidity of youth that I got involved with him when I knew what he was.

RampantIvy · 19/04/2022 06:53

I'm a little sceptical about this. Surely anyone who is seeing a man who is married and left his wife for her knows it is not going to go down well?

UserError012345 · 19/04/2022 06:54

this is going to go well.

AchillesPoirot · 19/04/2022 06:55

So you had an affair then?

OfstedOffred · 19/04/2022 06:57

You can do what you want but realise that there's a lot of truth in once a cheater always a cheater. Just know your odds of being left for the next person he "fits extremely well with" are pretty high.

ZenNudist · 19/04/2022 06:57

The problem is cheaters gonna cheat. I know you think "she wasn't right for him" and "you're different/ special" but sadly I think not.

I'd find someone better who isn't going to up and ditch on you.

itdoesntcount · 19/04/2022 07:02

Go for it OP. If he was in his happy marriage his head wouldn't have been turned by you. Give it a go, nothing is guaranteed, many marriages end in divorce regardless of affairs. If you are both single now and want to to be together for it.

mycatisannoying · 19/04/2022 07:10

Well, you're with a man who used his wife for a visa and then cheated on her after a couple of years.
And you really wonder why your friends are being negative about it Hmm
On the plus side, however, I'd say you deserve each other.

RitaFires · 19/04/2022 07:29

If you were my friend, I probably wouldn't want to spend much time with you anymore. This man is an untrustworthy liar, he probably was going to leave his wife for someone but it didn't have to be you.

I would be very disappointed if a close friend showed such an absence of morals and judgement to get involved with a married man. If someone told me that their boyfriend's wife doesn't understand him, I would think they're really gullible. If your connection is so special you could easily wait for him to end the marriage honestly. It's a cowardly person that uses someone else as an escape hatch from a relationship, it seems he wasn't ready for children so he used you as excuse to leave.

MrFsAunt · 19/04/2022 07:34

Did she know that he married her mainly for the Visa?

If not, well, you've hardly bagged yourself a prize there.

TimeForTeaAndG · 19/04/2022 08:01

I read the OP as the ex-wife was a student and married him for the visa.

Allinadayswork80 · 19/04/2022 08:13

I don’t think it matters what anyone says, clearly you’re doing whatever you want to do regardless. You’re both as bad as each other in my book - him for cheating on his poor wife and you for getting involved with a married man. No excuse. I can understand you both developing feelings for each other but it’s when you decided to act on them that shows both of your true characters and morals. Both prepared to hurt others regardless. I’ve been ‘the wife’ in this situation and believe me, it’s not pleasant, it’s bloody hurtful no matter what the state of the marriage at the time.

AllOfUsAreDead · 19/04/2022 08:24

So you had an affair, just say it. Now you are with your affair partner. That's why your friends are judging.

They didn't even have a bad marriage from what you said, it was a loving one, considering children. And he left that on the off chance you might have him? Come on, you were seeing him way before his marriage ended, he didn't leave a loving marriage on the chance you might take him. Just own it, call it an affair. Least you aren't lying to yourself then.

Maybe it will work out, maybe it won't. You'll always know what he's capable of though, so if he does it to you, you can't be surprised.

Willyoujustbequiet · 19/04/2022 08:31

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour ..

Your relationship is built on lies and cheating, you can't trust him and he can't you. Off to a great start.

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 19/04/2022 08:34

Yeah sure it was a visa marriage. Sure.

lemongreentea · 19/04/2022 08:40

You seem like a practical level-headed person so just go for it. Whats the worst that could happen?

He might cheat on you in two years time for someone else he got on with more.

Or you would cheat on him with someone else you got on with more. You seem quite detached so you probably won't mind.

LadyOfTheCanyon · 19/04/2022 08:42

Ah yes, the ol' Plop And Run.

Brava, OP. Grin

NewandNotImproved · 19/04/2022 08:49

He’d hardly have been planning a kid with his wife if it was a visa marriage 😄
‘You deserve better’-nah, she does not.

decentchap · 19/04/2022 08:54

From my own experience as a chap in exactly the situation you describe - obviously this is me and he is another person but maybe there are parallels.
I left my wife of 11 years for another woman, again not a nice thing to do but more than anything I needed to be with this new woman something telling me but indefinable. So my life changed and I married my present wife. My first marriage did not have any children - with children, I could not possibly have left. Some 40 years later and I know it was the right thing to do - I only have to look at my daughter to know why.
I would never leave anyone with children and will remain in this marriage because the experience of leaving the last one was so horrific, largely my self-loathing for being such a person, capable of inflicting such hurt.
My current wife and I have problems but I will not leave. The magnitude of those problem is large, involves her infidelity before and almost immediately after our marriage with the same married man. I suck it up because of where I came from and because it would change the children - now late 20's. I hope for better times ahead but know you always pay a price for things like I did.

lemongreentea · 19/04/2022 08:59

@decentchap

From my own experience as a chap in exactly the situation you describe - obviously this is me and he is another person but maybe there are parallels. I left my wife of 11 years for another woman, again not a nice thing to do but more than anything I needed to be with this new woman something telling me but indefinable. So my life changed and I married my present wife. My first marriage did not have any children - with children, I could not possibly have left. Some 40 years later and I know it was the right thing to do - I only have to look at my daughter to know why. I would never leave anyone with children and will remain in this marriage because the experience of leaving the last one was so horrific, largely my self-loathing for being such a person, capable of inflicting such hurt. My current wife and I have problems but I will not leave. The magnitude of those problem is large, involves her infidelity before and almost immediately after our marriage with the same married man. I suck it up because of where I came from and because it would change the children - now late 20's. I hope for better times ahead but know you always pay a price for things like I did.
Ouch, this sounds hard.

And just goes to show it works both ways.

You can leave though.

RosieLancs · 19/04/2022 09:02

Yes everyone has a dating history and it would appear his is being a lying cheat.

You are either incredibly nieve or desperately trying to justify your own poor behaviour.
If it is the former I feel for you, we've all made mistakes and if it is the latter then it is more than likely karma will be coming for you.

Buildingthefuture · 19/04/2022 09:02

So you had an affair with a married man in a “loving marriage”? And now you want us to tell you he won’t do it again? That’ll be a no from me, but tbh, you are both as grim and selfish as each other, so crack on.

housemaus · 19/04/2022 09:32

everyone has dating history and usually dated someone before

Yeah, but not everyone overlaps their next relationship with their marriage.

Maybe it'll be fine. But given that the info you've got to go off - that he's a cheat who doesn't respect marriage/his existing relationship - it doesn't look good, does it?