Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To date a man that left his marriage for me?

106 replies

jules96 · 19/04/2022 01:24

I don't want to write the whole story out here but I've had some backlash for this in the real life and I think it's slightly unfair, but maybe I am just being completely stupid.

Current partner was in a 2 year marriage where the marriage although of course not directly for a visa, was part of the reason why he married her (she is from a different country and came here to study) but they did have a loving marriage while it was there and were considering children.

We came across each other and we shared so many very specific similarities and we both fit extremely well. In the end, he decided he had to leave the marriage and we became official. It's not a nice situation obviously, especially for his ex wife.

However, a lot of my friends are very negative about the whole thing, telling me if he's done it to someone before, I'll be next, or I can't trust someone like that etc etc. but I personally don't really get it, everyone has dating history and usually dated someone before and I understand it's not great we met during their marriage but it happened and there's not much that can be done as you don't decide when you meet someone...

Genuinely would like to know if it's really that strange to trust him and see my own future with him?

OP posts:

SucculentChalice · 19/04/2022 09:34

No, he sounds terrible. Who on earth gets married and makes up some tale about it being to get the woman a visa? Was he paid or something? Or coerced into it?

And then ending a marriage after only 2 years. Its hardly been much of an effort on his part, has it? He seems to pop in and out of serious relationships like a banjo.

Really bad character traits. Of course people fall out of love, but he seems to view getting married so casually, I think he is very bad news to be around.

Nice that he had you lined up to take up the slack for his next adventure though.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 19/04/2022 09:36

Two selfish people with terrible morals rarely make a happy relationship, but you deserve the misery you'll bring each other. Crack on!

Shanksponyorbust · 19/04/2022 09:42

Are you absolutely sure he’s left his wife? I’d be concerned that the specific similarities you mention are not just love bombing on his part to have a shag and/or make you his mistress. Men can say a lot of bullshit to get sex.

gamerchick · 19/04/2022 09:44

She's not his ex wife, she's his wife. I'm assuming he's started the divorce?

SeedyBloomer · 19/04/2022 09:55

Depends on whether he realised he had feelings for you and ended his marriage before he crossed any lines, or if he cheated on his wife with you while working out who he preferred. The latter is not a good sign.

Sarkymarky · 19/04/2022 10:03

Did his wife know it was a marriage of convenience or did she marry for love

CharlotteRose90 · 19/04/2022 10:08

I feel so sorry for the wife. He’s a lying cheat and you’re a home wrecker. It wasn’t just a visa marriage if they were happy and planning kids. You are delusional. All I will say is don’t get comfortable as he will do the same to you.

redbigbananafeet · 19/04/2022 10:11

82 replies and OP doesn't bother returning to the thread and reply. What the point? It's infuriating.

RealBecca · 19/04/2022 10:13

I'd be weary.

They were talking about children then he left her for you.

So she thought they were happy. You too might think you're happy until he blindsided you. He was potentially trying to get her pregnant or she was possibly taking vitamins and prepping for pregnancy whilst his head was somewhere else.

MN often says a man rarely leaves unless there is someone waiting in the wings. So be weary.

He was happy to get married, presumably because it was the natural next step, even if he didn't want to. So I wouldn't trust him to actually say what he thinks to you. Like if you want kids he may say he wants to and then look for someone else to redo the early fun stages of dating again.

Lamujere · 19/04/2022 10:15

Well I'm guessing that the bit about the visa is untrue. I bet it would be news to the ex wife. He is playing down the marriage to appease you. So, he's a liar as well as a cheat. Why are you bothering?

Crimesean · 19/04/2022 10:16

He's shown you who he is - listen to him.

You may have made mistakes, but don't feel like you can't leave him because he left his wife - that was his decision, and his alone. You deserve better than a cheating liar.

Gowithme · 19/04/2022 10:17

You haven't been at all clear here. Were you shagging him behind his wife's back before you became 'official' or did you just know each other and he left her because you got on so well? The dating history thing is just strange to suggest - they weren't dating, they were married.

If he didn't cheat then it's still not a nice way for him to treat his wife suggesting a lack of loyalty, but it sounds like unfortunately he had to rush things with his wife, he made a mistake and sometimes these things happen I guess.

If you were shagging behind her back then I'm completely with your friends - there's nowhere good for this to go when it started with lies and deceit, and you're just as lacking in morals as he is for shagging someone else's husband. As others have said, you were the mistress and now all that excitement of it being illicit has gone there's every chance he'll soon be craving it again as you've created a vacancy.

Maternitynamechange · 19/04/2022 10:18

Capable of lying convincingly.
Capable of hurting people he loves for his own needs.
Capable of being intimate with two people simultaneously.

Yeah I’d be worried.

Gowithme · 19/04/2022 10:19

Oh and I've never been cheated on, I just have morals.

IwaswhoIam · 19/04/2022 10:19

If he was cheating on his wife with you then I wouldn’t be dating him . If he wasn’t cheating then personally I would feel okay about it depending on how much time has passed and his character in general. There is always more to a story so its hard to say in your situation but you know the facts .

TheSnowyOwl · 19/04/2022 10:22

You don’t consider having children with someone you just married for a visa. Either you or he (or both of you) are trying to minimise the marriage and what it meant.

Vikrum · 19/04/2022 11:10

You reap what you sow. Be careful

10HailMarys · 19/04/2022 11:10

I think it would be more unreasonable NOT to date him, given that he'd left his wife for you.

Brefugee · 19/04/2022 11:13

he decided he had to leave the marriage and we became official. It's not a nice situation obviously, especially for his ex wife.

if you were a friend of mine? I'd tell you that you have facilitated breaking up someone's relationship and that i wasn't at all impressed. I wouldn't want to see you if he was going to be there, and i wouldn't really care if he was the love of your life.

But you don't really care "became official" what does that even mean here? Come clean about his cheating on his wife.

Are you thinking about her at all? how will this affect her life? can she easily go home to her family? or is she fucked now with little money and no support system?

AryaStarkWolf · 19/04/2022 11:16

People having "dating history" isn't the same thing as a man having an affair and leaving his wife for his affair partner, don't be fucking stupid

lemongreentea · 19/04/2022 11:19

@10HailMarys

I think it would be more unreasonable NOT to date him, given that he'd left his wife for you.

dayswithaY · 19/04/2022 11:29

You're just putting a romantic spin on a low down dirty situation.

You had an affair, he dropped his wife for you because he thinks you're a better option, your ego is telling you you've won because he picked you. You are framing this as "love" because such a grand gesture must mean you are soulmates.

Meanwhile everyone around you sees it as a desperate act of two attention seekers who need to be put on a pedestal. Plus your friends think you're a bit sly and he tells lies a bit too easily.

Would he have left his wife if you hadn't come along?

Would you want your friend involved with a sleaze like this?

Is he the only available man in your area?

That's a lot of no's. But of course, you already suspect this or you wouldn't be posting on here.

higherthanthat · 19/04/2022 11:36

It can work out, though in your situation this was new marriage and they were talking about having kids. Not exactly a marriage that had run its course anyway.
I know a man who is a serial cheat.. He said once he had done it once, it made it easier to do it again. He's not at all the sort of guy you would think is a cheat.

No-one knows how it will work out for you, but I would question his character yes. I think the visa thing is a red herring. They were married and considering children. This clearly was no a sham marriage just for a visa.

DrNo007 · 19/04/2022 11:43

Well sometimes it works. I can think of several marriages that started out as extramarital affairs and the couple are are still together happily decades later. I don’t think anyone on here can tell you what will happen in the future—you need to make your own judgement.

NewandNotImproved · 19/04/2022 11:43

@RealBecca the word is wary. Weary means tired.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5