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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To date a man that left his marriage for me?

106 replies

jules96 · 19/04/2022 01:24

I don't want to write the whole story out here but I've had some backlash for this in the real life and I think it's slightly unfair, but maybe I am just being completely stupid.

Current partner was in a 2 year marriage where the marriage although of course not directly for a visa, was part of the reason why he married her (she is from a different country and came here to study) but they did have a loving marriage while it was there and were considering children.

We came across each other and we shared so many very specific similarities and we both fit extremely well. In the end, he decided he had to leave the marriage and we became official. It's not a nice situation obviously, especially for his ex wife.

However, a lot of my friends are very negative about the whole thing, telling me if he's done it to someone before, I'll be next, or I can't trust someone like that etc etc. but I personally don't really get it, everyone has dating history and usually dated someone before and I understand it's not great we met during their marriage but it happened and there's not much that can be done as you don't decide when you meet someone...

Genuinely would like to know if it's really that strange to trust him and see my own future with him?

OP posts:
FabFitFifties · 19/04/2022 03:41

You sound very young OP, and I imagine he is older? I'd continue only if you are super confident you are not being manipulated and also that you have the strength of character to bounce back when he cheats on you, because he "comes across" someone else.

idwtg · 19/04/2022 03:43

@tolerable

see how ostriches..all sorta legs n fluffy arse.dont fly do they shut theyre eyes when head in sand. why yonly dating him?? mybe she'll lend you her dress-inconvienient meeting sod all to do wi marrying a louse. am not actual nasty-hang as they grow. alot of your "friends"no longer trust you. eeva
How many beers have you swilled
Eatprayrun · 19/04/2022 03:54

I wouldn’t trust him and I wouldn’t trust you either. I saw the term “moral vacuum” used on here recently. It seems to apply to you both.

Gwegowygwiggs · 19/04/2022 03:57

I wouldn't trust him and I also wouldn't want someone like you as a friend

cherry978 · 19/04/2022 04:06

Tbh i think that you're just as bad getting with someone who you know is married so you seem like a good fit for each other.

Totalwasteofpaper · 19/04/2022 04:15

@Tunnockswafer

My dh left his wife when he met me. We didn't have an affair, but he did "fall" for me (work colleagues) and I suppose used this as the impetus for him to leave. Not my finest hour. We have been together for 25 years though so it doesn't seem to be a pattern he is going to repeat.
There is a huge difference between this qnd hqving qn affair.

If it was an affair honestly your friends are right. In a few years you will likely find yourself dealing with the "love Island defense ".
Has my head been turned? I think shes turned my head? Yeah she definitely turned my head. I feel bad dumping you out of the blue but...what can I do...my head was turned 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

drpet49 · 19/04/2022 04:16

** You are definitely re-writing this. "When we came across each other" hmm

You've both done a shit thing. Don't make it out like it was a marriage of convenience for him and his wife.**

^This. You are hardly blameless OP

hamdden12 · 19/04/2022 04:19

Unfortunately when you ask for opinions on something like this you get everyone who's been cheated on jumping on and telling you what a terrible person you are and how it will never last.

Only you can know if you trust him, we don't know him so can't say. Personally I'd say give it a go, if you don't you'll always wonder what if and there's plenty of people who've been in this situation and are happy together despite Google stats.

bozzabollix · 19/04/2022 04:21

My incredibly daft sister has got herself in this scenario, except the wife is my lovely friend. They’re doing a lot of pretending about how awful my friend is as an excuse.

I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him but she knows as much as you do with your partner what he’s capable of. If someone is capable of that much callousness then it can be used towards you too. But you’ve asked to be burned so I have little sympathy, just as I won’t with my own sister.

Eatprayrun · 19/04/2022 04:22

@hamdden12

Unfortunately when you ask for opinions on something like this you get everyone who's been cheated on jumping on and telling you what a terrible person you are and how it will never last.

Only you can know if you trust him, we don't know him so can't say. Personally I'd say give it a go, if you don't you'll always wonder what if and there's plenty of people who've been in this situation and are happy together despite Google stats.

What the comments on here show is what many of the OP’s friends and family might be thinking about her but are not willing to say to her face. It’s not just whether her relationship with the man will last, it is the negative impact on her friendships. Many would not want someone so untrustworthy like the OP in their friendship group.
ClaryFairchild · 19/04/2022 04:25

I don't think she's saying he married her as a visa scam, but that they married earlier than they otherwise might have because that was the only way she could stay.

Op, you are getting negativity, yes. And maybe some of it is deserved. But not all of it. He met you and fell for you. As a result he ended his marriage. That's not lying to his wife. I think it's actually being brutally honest. It happens. Should he have stayed in the marriage and given it a go? Maybe. But as he didn't have as much invested in it, eg children, longevity of relationship prior to marriage, lots of assets, etc, I can see why he didn't.

I've know a lot of people that this has happened to. Some of these new relationships break up, others last the distance.

Good luck op.

hamdden12 · 19/04/2022 04:28

@Eatprayrun why? Is she sleeping with all her friends husbands? I must have missed that part......

tillytown · 19/04/2022 04:39

You know he is a liar and cheat. He knows you have no problem being the other woman. Why would either of you trust each other?

Eatprayrun · 19/04/2022 04:41

[quote hamdden12]@Eatprayrun why? Is she sleeping with all her friends husbands? I must have missed that part......[/quote]
She’s shown she’s happy to sleep with married men. So has low morals. And probably low self esteem. Statistically, their relationship is likely to break up fairly soon, so she might well be looking around her social group for a replacement.

GaspingGekko · 19/04/2022 04:44

OP, think of it like this:

Your best friend is reasonably newly married, only a couple of years. She loves her husband, they are planning to have babies together, they have a future planned.
Then suddenly he finds someone else and ditches her. Your best friend is left alone and devastated.

What would you think of the man who did this to your best friend? Now apply that to the man you are dating.

CJsGoldfish · 19/04/2022 04:44

@Eatprayrun why? Is she sleeping with all her friends husbands?

Well, tbf, she'd likely give it a red hot go if she felt like a change 🤷‍♀️

Clarinet1 · 19/04/2022 04:46

Well this sounds a bit like me and an ex - his wife left him, he then confided in me, we lived t together for a time probably too soon and I ended up unable to cope with various other pressures. I won’t say exactly what happened (I behaved badly (but not cheating)) but I ended up very damaged and alone, A part of my take on it all now, although some of what I did was unforgivable was that I did, to some extent, fall for “My wife doesn’t understand me” or at the very least got involved with someone who was on the rebound. I’m not saying this will definitely happen to you but it shows some possible pitfalls.

Remaker · 19/04/2022 05:05

It’s not a guarantee that he’ll cheat on you but it has shown his character. When you have a close friend or family member who cheats it’s quite awkward when the new partner is all starry eyed about their great romance that couldn’t be denied, meanwhile you were there and saw he was exactly the same with the previous partner until he got bored with her, sometimes with the one before that too!

returntoUK · 19/04/2022 05:13

You both sound invested in your own selfish desires and he has cheated. He used her for sex.

Thehundredthnamechange · 19/04/2022 05:16

I definitely wouldn't go there but you're clearly going to. At least you're going into it knowing what he's like so won't be too surprised if it happens to you too. Unlike his poor wife.

cookiemonster2468 · 19/04/2022 05:33

Many people meet/ get together in less than ideal circumstances.

I don't understand the 'if he's done it before you'll be next' comments, unless I'm missing something.

From what I've read, it sounds like he was in an unhappy marriage - left that marriage - and then got together with you.

I'm not sure at what point he committed adultery as some people on this thread are suggesting. OP didn't actually say they had an affair. She just said they met during the marriage.

It's really neither here nor there, though.

OP, at the end of the day, trust your own instincts. Life is long and complicated and many of us get into situations that turn out to be mistakes or not ideal, it doesn't always mean we are bad people or are going to treat others badly.

autienotnayghty · 19/04/2022 05:37

It depends how it occurred.

1, He met you, you became friends and he realised that his feelings for his wife were not the same anymore so they went through the sad process of splitting up and when he had processed that you and he began dating.

2, He left her for you/there was an overlap.

If the first scenario is the case and this is the first time this as happened I would be inclined to trust him and his decision making but I would still listen to friends and take in to account their thoughts. If it's the second scenario I would be very cautious and move slowly.

THisbackwithavengeance · 19/04/2022 06:11

@cookiemonster2468

Many people meet/ get together in less than ideal circumstances.

I don't understand the 'if he's done it before you'll be next' comments, unless I'm missing something.

From what I've read, it sounds like he was in an unhappy marriage - left that marriage - and then got together with you.

I'm not sure at what point he committed adultery as some people on this thread are suggesting. OP didn't actually say they had an affair. She just said they met during the marriage.

It's really neither here nor there, though.

OP, at the end of the day, trust your own instincts. Life is long and complicated and many of us get into situations that turn out to be mistakes or not ideal, it doesn't always mean we are bad people or are going to treat others badly.

This.

Sounds like he married the wife as she needed a visa and so they rushed into it and it has turned out to be a mistake. Shit happens.

No-one knows if the OP and the MM will work out, the same as with any relationship. We all take our chances, no-one can see the future.

Whether or not he committed adultery is irrelevant and all that stuff about marry the mistress, create a vacancy is bollocks.

The OP's relationship won't succeed or fail depending on exactly when they first shagged and if he was still living with his wife at the time or not. That's just the MN moral police talking.

flashpaper · 19/04/2022 06:31

@cookiemonster2468

Many people meet/ get together in less than ideal circumstances.

I don't understand the 'if he's done it before you'll be next' comments, unless I'm missing something.

From what I've read, it sounds like he was in an unhappy marriage - left that marriage - and then got together with you.

I'm not sure at what point he committed adultery as some people on this thread are suggesting. OP didn't actually say they had an affair. She just said they met during the marriage.

It's really neither here nor there, though.

OP, at the end of the day, trust your own instincts. Life is long and complicated and many of us get into situations that turn out to be mistakes or not ideal, it doesn't always mean we are bad people or are going to treat others badly.

From what OP has said, it didn't sound like he was in an unhappy marriage at all. She said they had a loving marriage and were considering children when he and OP met. How does that sound like he was in an unhappy marriage? I'll take a bet and say his poor wife didn't have any clue that her DH was in an "unhappy marriage".

I think cheaters are the lowest of the low. If he was so unhappy he would have left already. It's the kid in a sweet shop mentality that is so common nowadays. What happens when he's 2 years married to you, OP, and someone comes along who is a better fit still. You already know you can't trust him because of what he'd done to his wife. How can you start a relationship without trust?

Momijin · 19/04/2022 06:42

That's bollocks. I've got friends who have had affairs with married men whilst they have been single and haven't worried that they would be after my man.

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