To think you should be different with your GC

[Loulou901]

My husbands parents don’t put much effort in at all with DC, however SIL made a comment that it will be a big thing when she has her kids…would you be more involved with your DD’s children than DS’s? As a mother of both I don’t think I would?

Have you noticed this with your DH’s parents?

I will be as fair with the GC as I am with our DC.

My inlaws have a favourite family. They have barely bothered with our kids over the years but now BIL has kids they see them all the time, they take their kids out etc etc. Really grates on dh, but it is his half sibling so there's always been a difference in treatment between because of that too. I expect more of MIL as they are all her kids.

Both mine and dh parents are equally useless and disinterested.

After a lot of trying on our part we have withdrawn and let them get on with their lives without GC.

We will not be offering any elder care so I guess that's us quits.

I have 3 ds and have told them that if they decide to have kids, then I will do/give whatever they and their partner finds supportive and useful with no expectations or demands.

But then I love my kids and am grateful for them everyday.

I don't think it is inevitable at all, but I do think it is quite common tbh. I was definitely closer to my mum's parents and that pattern has been true for my dd as well.

While I wish it wasn't true, women still tend to be the "primary" parent in most families, and they still take on more of the responsibilities around building relationships with extended family, arranging meet ups etc. Women will generally have closer relationships with their own parents, and so the kids end up being closer to their maternal grandparents as well.

If you have sons and don't want this to happen in your family, I guess the best way to prevent this pattern from emerging is to raise your boys to take a full equal role in parenting and to take on a lot of the "wifework" that typically falls to women in so many relationships.

True for my ex mil but sil is a lot younger, 15 years, and by then I think she realised she missed out. In an odd turn of events she sent me a message asking me to encourage dd to visit/keep in touch because dd has ignored that side of her family since i split from her dad, she's an adult and actually said as mil ignore her she wasn't staying in touch and exh agrees she has a good point and isn't bothered she doesn't attend family functions

I agree with PPs saying it's a lot to so with the son and what effort he puts in. I love my MIL but they do live a good bit away. My DCs spend way more time with my parents due to location but DD1 and MIL are extremely close. My SIL always has the hump (sometimes rightly) with my DM. This has directly impacted their relationship with DNiece. She has often kept DN from them when annoyed over something my DM said and I personally think this is a horrible thing to do. If it wasn't for this, I think DN, as first GC, would be favourite.

Not sure about me but I made a point of letting go of feeling anything about what anyone else does. So aside from my husband of course, any friends or family who didn't want to spend time with me I will not take offence. They have their reasons. It is so freeing. I simply don't care anymore. People are who they are and have their own things going on.

Same here. My IL’s do everything for SIL’s children but have no interest in mine

But why is the MIL expected to step back from her relationship with her son, when the mother is not expected to step back from her relationship with her daughter (or the daughter's father step back because there's another man in her life)?
It just isn't logical at all, and a MIL is at a real disadvantage from day 1.

I don’t think they are expected to step back from their sons. I think it’s more about acknowledging on both sides (daughters and sons) the spouses that their adult children have chosen and not choosing to wait until grandchildren are in the mix to want to be involved with them.

How can you expect to have a relationship with the grandchildren when you barely acknowledge one of their parents?

That's just how some families are. But it is bizarre to think that a labouring woman or a woman who has just given birth is going to parcel out her time scrupulously 50/50 between her own parents and the ILs. Unless she really really wants to

And i think that's how the Grandparent relationship develops.
But that's more about the relationship between the DC's father and his own parents. My DC are equally close to both sets of GPs because DH and I are both close to our parents and as a unit we want to both see both of them. I can't imagine my parents being favoured over PIL because both DH and I facilitate relationships so before DC arrived they were solid. Should anything happen to either of us I'm confident both sets of GPs would continue to be close as we would both continue that relationship with both sets.

I have a DD and a DS. Can't imagine favouring either of them or their children later in life.

@Loulou901

I don’t think they do have a natural bias…not in my experience anyway, I have nothing but upmost respect for my MIL but she chooses to treat me badly and I don’t understand why? They seem to see us as a threat it’s embarrassing

I think you mean she not they because you know not everyone will have the same experience as you. I certainly don't see any of my DsIL as a threat. I mean threat of what?

I have 3 sons and so three partners/wives, I am closer to one, get on well with another and the third is a bit of a nightmare so not close but we are polite. Would be odd to judge how I am as a MIL on one of those relationships as it wouldn't be representative of them all.

I think it’s true, not least because so many women seem to have issues with their MiLs.

I think it’s true but I also think it’s more of a natural thing for most people.

My grandma has 4 daughters and one son. She’s closer to all 3 daughters who have kids as opposed to her son’s kids even though he has 7! His kids are all closer to their mum’s side of the family because naturally their kids will see her side more. She still loves and cares for them the same but just don’t see them as much.

I have a DD and she’s way closer to my mum than my DPs mum. I think when the woman has a good relationship with her own family, that family will be closer to the DGC. DP doesn’t push his mum enough to be close to our DD and I certainly don’t feel as if that’s my role to encourage that. Once DPs sister has a child I know it’ll be wayyyy different but as I said, I think it’s just natural

I think it’s true, not least because so many women seem to have issues with their MiLs.

But what difference should that make really? Even if you aren't bffs with your MIL, very few women are going to stop their DH facilitating a relationship between her and gc. Even if I absolutely hated my MIL, it would be no skin off my nose for DH to take dc to see her, have her over to our place (I'd have an appointment that day of course), do a family zoom call, or get dc to write her a birthday card. Why does the responsibility for both mothers fall on the women?

Why does the responsibility for both mothers fall on the women?

Because some women weaponise their children. .

I agree with @AlexaShutUp. A large part of the issue is shit dads who don't do their bit to facilitate a relationship between their DC and their parents but expect their wives/partners to do it (who will naturally favour their own parents).

My DC is fortunate to have four fantastic and involved grandparents. When I need help with childcare due to illness/work and DH can't help, I naturally ask my parents not my ILs. When I want a weekend to myself and kick DH and DC out of the house, DH will take DC to visit his parents for the weekend. Neither of us 'gatekeeps' our DC's relationship with the other grandparents but neither are we expected to facilitate it.

My mum is loves all her grandkids the same. That’s 1 x DGS and 2 x 2DGD. My MIL is also the same with all of hers.

Its generally accepted that all things being equal, the mother of a mother will typically have an elevated status in relation to the GC than the mother of a father. MILs of DILs often know this, as it probably reflects what they did themselves, and the sensitive ones may deliberately keep some distance so as not to overstep.

@5128gap

Its generally accepted that all things being equal, the mother of a mother will typically have an elevated status in relation to the GC than the mother of a father. MILs of DILs often know this, as it probably reflects what they did themselves, and the sensitive ones may deliberately keep some distance so as not to overstep.

Utter rubbish.

It seems there is a running theme of closer relationships between grandparents and dd children over ds children. It's probably to do with the fact that daughters are often closer to their parents than sons and potential resentment between mils and dils. My expil was very hands on way more so than current ones. I think my mil also sees her daughters husbands parents as competition so she vies for dgc attention whereas she doesn't have any competition on my side and we lost both my parents. I just wish she would realise it's not really fair on our dc. I also think sil and bil are cf and will take the piss whereas we don't.

God this thread makes me want to call my MIL and tell her how much I love her and appreciate her . She's been there for me so many times when my own parents couldn't/wouldn't step up.

DS is actually her step GC and the oldest by nearly a decade. If anything, he is totally golden bollocks and can do no wrong .
BIL and SIL have both had children and genuinely cannot remember a time when any of the GC were treated favorably, even when there were literally continents between us all. She even counts up photos to make sure everyone is equal, including us grown up DC.

If you're on here MIL and recognise this - you're one in a million

5128gap

Its generally accepted that all things being equal, the mother of a mother will typically have an elevated status in relation to the GC than the mother of a father. MILs of DILs often know this, as it probably reflects what they did themselves, and the sensitive ones may deliberately keep some distance so as not to overstep.

I really don’t agree with this, this is not how it should be

@5128gap

Its generally accepted that all things being equal, the mother of a mother will typically have an elevated status in relation to the GC than the mother of a father. MILs of DILs often know this, as it probably reflects what they did themselves, and the sensitive ones may deliberately keep some distance so as not to overstep.

Depends whether MIL has a trampoline in her garden or not. That instantly 'elevates' status with GC.

@LowlyTheWorm

You just end up with a stronger bond i think as a result of the bond with the mum- your daughter. I know of very few people who are closer to their dads parents than their mums- unless there is some story with the mums side like estrangement etc.

My DS is closer to my MIL than my parents, while my DD is closer to my parents than MIL. Not too sure why that is as they all spend a lot of time together. Maybe it's to do with personality 🤷🏻‍♀️

@5128gap

Its generally accepted that all things being equal, the mother of a mother will typically have an elevated status in relation to the GC than the mother of a father. MILs of DILs often know this, as it probably reflects what they did themselves, and the sensitive ones may deliberately keep some distance so as not to overstep.

Absolute tosh.

My DPs have always made it clear that my DSis's DDs are their favourites. My DBro and I both had DSs. My DMiL never made any distinction between any of the GC. I'm sure my youngest DS thinks my DH & I favour our youngest GC but it's not true except we see them more than his DS because we live 10 hours away from him but only 3 hours from the others.