To think you should be different with your GC

[Loulou901]

My husbands parents don’t put much effort in at all with DC, however SIL made a comment that it will be a big thing when she has her kids…would you be more involved with your DD’s children than DS’s? As a mother of both I don’t think I would?

Have you noticed this with your DH’s parents?

I think my dh's parents treat all the GC the same tbh, certainly in terms of gifts etc. I think my sils make more effort with my mil then my DH does though. The sils don't live in the UK so get less visits from the parents but then they stay for weeks!! I couldn't be doing with that!

I think this is very common but it's usually to do with the gcs father. He normally isn't bothered keeping up much of a relationship between him and his mother, let alone facilitating one between his children and his mother. Whereas its the opposite for women. Generalisation but often does happen, of course there can be exceptions.

Definitely true in my family. I take my kids over to my parents house every 1-2 weeks and organise days out for us all, celebrate birthdays together etc. I get them to speak on the phone or write cards to my parents if needed.

My DH gets on well with his parents but isn't bothered to see them more often than every few months. And no I'm not some nightmare DIL stopping him. I actively encourage him (as well as it being good for the kids, I'd love some free time). He simply isn't bothered to do it. So of course the kids are closer to my parents.

I think a lot of it comes from the DIL too though.
My brother and SIL have a toddler who was first GC on both sides. There was a lot of 'one rule for them and another for us' when it came covid rules. They do try and include us plenty but I hand on heart think they allow those GP's to do more than our side of the family.

It's no surprise is it really with how MILs are viewed on MN - they are on a hiding to nothing and many DIL seem happy to demonise a MIL behaviour compared to that of their own mothers. So I imagine MIL are much more likely to stand back - probably fearful in case they become the subject of a vicarious MN thread

That being said I never see my PIL they just aren't bothered about their GC and certainly never supported me/us emotionally or otherwise but I think that's just the way they are.

My eldest DD is the only one of my children to have kids thus far, and I love my two grandsons more than I can describe and am very involved in their lives. I’d like to think I will have that closeness with my sons’ children when/if they come along, but I think it very much depends on the women they have them with at the end of the day.

When DSil has kids I suspect Dmil will inevitably be more involved but that's because Dsil chats to her mum daily on the phone and is far more likely to say she needs help or wants to see them, and DH barely ever rings his parents . I suspect the same is true for a lot of men.

I've seen this go on in several families, and sadly seems to be very common. My ex's dm wasn't impressed when we told her we were having a baby, even though we were married. She wouldn't baby sit or see us off her own back. She's completely different with SIL's dc. Looking after them several times a week. I just try to keep out of it now. I send her photos of the dc to remind her of their existence, but only because I don't want to be accused of not speaking to her or whatever.

@kitcat15

I see far more of my DDs girls than my sons DD ....doesn't mean I love her any less....I'm just more involved with DD...I do school drop offs, pick ups, take girls to activities, go on holiday with them....Whereas other GD has her other Granny who she also lives doing all these things for her....also she lives further away...I see DDs 5 times a week...I see DSs DD once a week and overnight every other week....its the way things turn out....no right or wrong

Wonder how your poor DS and DIL feel about that 🙄🙄

@Loulou901

I can’t stand my MIL although DH doesn’t know, she is a Facebook grandparent and tells absolutely everybody how much she adores them on social media and literally does bugga all apart from on birthdays and special events! Ohhh this feels good haha

So you can't stand your MIL but you expect her to run after you and your kids?

She probably knows you hate her and that is why she's not rushing to spend time with her DGC as that would mean being with you and that's awkward and embarrassing. No one wants to spend time with someone who doesn't like them; even if you don't say it put loud, it will probably be obvious from your manner and facial expressions.

This thread is bonkers. Posters saying they hate their MIL and then wondering why said MIL spends more time with her DD's kids....

True of my in laws too. They call SIL Dc 'ours'.

It’s true in our family but purely because of circumstances. My parents live much closer than my PILs, and my parents are a lot younger than my PILs and therefore more physically able to play with the children.

But I like my PILs a lot and actually think as people they’re much kinder and nicer than my parents.

"I made a comment to my DH saying I couldn’t understand why he was so heartbroken when she was just so horrible to me"

Did you really say to your husband, after the gran who bought him up DIED, that you couldn't understand why he was heartbroken because she wasn't nice to YOU?! Wow!

Some of these anecdotes are so sad.

My parents are involved as they can be but like 500 miles away so see them about 4 x a year. They’d be closer to my brother’s children (if he had them) because he lives closer and because he has a closer relationship to them so would probably reach out for advice and babysitting and help all the time. So that’s the opposite way in terms of boy / girl but simply because of how we are.

I am a bit surprised at how uninterested DH’s parents are to be honest. They haven’t visited for quite a few years and I don’t think they intend to again. All the effort is very one-sided. There are no other GC to compare with.

@OfstedOffred

When DSil has kids I suspect Dmil will inevitably be more involved but that's because Dsil chats to her mum daily on the phone and is far more likely to say she needs help or wants to see them, and DH barely ever rings his parents . I suspect the same is true for a lot of men.

This is true in my family but the other way around. My brother is very much more a part of my parents lives.

Ridiculous. How sad there's so many that think like this. It's baffling to me

My mum offers more support to my brother than she does to me as he needed it more and now it's habit.

Interesting thread. I think my in laws are pretty equal but my DH makes a big effort to have a relationship with them, and I'm not that close to my parents. Me and MIL are similar in many ways too, including parenting style so that helps.
There is a big disparity with the aunties, presumably because DH's sisters are closer to each other than they are to him. We are a bit hurt on DD's behalf at times and hope she doesn't notice the difference when older.

I think this is very common but it's usually to do with the gcs father. He normally isn't bothered keeping up much of a relationship between him and his mother, let alone facilitating one between his children and his mother. Whereas its the opposite for women. Generalisation but often does happen, of course there can be exceptions.

came here to say this. The way a lot of the women here speak about their MIL then expect them to drop everything to do childcare etc. Can you, hand on heart say that you facilitate contact with your MIL in the way her own daughter does? Not your job? true. Does your DH?

My lovely parenty treat all their grandkids the same, even the non-biological ones (step-GCs) but of their 2 children they actually see mine more. And i don't live in the same country and my DB lives closer than an hour away. (and yes, my SIL doesn't lift a finger to promote contact and spends all her time at her mum's. I used to wonder why, but I've realised that my Bro just lets life happen to him).

Of course some families are just odd (to me) and this does happen for no reason. But I'd put good money on a lot of it being that the MIL's son doesn't do much (if any) of the running

This forum pretty much creates this situation. Posters here positively encourage each other to keep the in-laws at baby when a baby is born, and encourage whinging about, and putting the worst possible spin on any of a mother in law's actions. There are constant cries of "of course you should want your own mother around and not your mil!" and I'm sure that doesn't end when the child is no longer a newborn. If you want involved GPs you need to foster that, not keep them at arm's length.
Fortunately I have daughters, otherwise I'd feel I was treading on eggshells with grandparenting.

Having said that, in my case it was my wonderful MIL who was the perfect GM to my kids, and my mum the one who couldn't be bothered.

keep the in-laws at baby

Ugh. Keep the in-laws at BAY. Thanks autocorrect

Very true in my family unfortunately

@Loulou901

DH and I nearly got a divorce once, maybe this needs another thread but he lived with his gran from very young which is absolutely fine but I never understood it but never really asked questions. When I met him his gran used to say things like I was taking him away from her which I thought was really odd, she would undermined me about EVERYTHING and just wasn’t a nice person. The thing is, when she died I was less than supportive, I made a comment to my DH saying I couldn’t understand why he was so heartbroken when she was just so horrible to me….he then fell out with me and I wasn’t invited to the funeral, we did make up eventually but I still stand by the fact she was a horrible woman, although I tried very carefully now. His family is just such an odd set up

I'm sure you're a nice person but what you said is truly horrible. You NEVER question someone's grief! Perhaps they just don't like you rather than your kids?

Totally not the case in my family. PIL adore DC and are really involved. My parents are really close and involved with my DC and mu brother's and wouldn't dream of treating them differently. Really sad it would be that way.

Not my experience growing up either.

My parents probably look from the outside that they favour mine and my sister's children. However the truth is they feel more relaxed around us and more able to be hands on. It's the same with my own MIL, she is heavily involved with my SIL and her family but I don't want or need that so she doesn't spend weeks living with us.

I know my mum and my MIL would like equal involvement with all GC but the relationship between MILs and DILs is not the same as between mothers and daughters and this is probably true of many people.

All GPs treat all GC the same in terms of gifts and savings accounts however.

I think grandchildren just expose underlying favouritism from observing mine and DH's families. Sometimes you can think you have a decent relationship until the favoured sibling produces grandchildren as happened with SiL 4 & 2. Local was not the deciding factor either, and MiL was very happy to regularly travel to the favoured SiL. Local SiL had no GPs on her husbands side either. We live at significant distance as does a BiL, but his children were favoured when younger too. She does like that SiL more than me, they are culturally closer and she's in the same age group as her other children. I'm wife of the youngest child plus younger and while we've had a cordial relationship, there is little common ground in many ways.
The biases have got stronger first as GCs reached the teenage years, then further still as she advances through old age.

It's a pattern repeated in my family too although less siblings to observe it through.