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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you should be different with your GC

150 replies

Loulou901 · 18/04/2022 21:24

My husbands parents don’t put much effort in at all with DC, however SIL made a comment that it will be a big thing when she has her kids…would you be more involved with your DD’s children than DS’s? As a mother of both I don’t think I would?

Have you noticed this with your DH’s parents?

OP posts:
Hainese · 19/04/2022 08:15

This is not the case with my own mum or my MIL. They adore the children of their DDs and DSs exactly the same.

mehumumu · 19/04/2022 08:29

People are weird. I have the only grandchildren and I'm the daughter. I have a boy and a girl. My parents aren't really interested. They were more interested in Ds ( my first) but they've gone off the idea and certainly not in DD. I think because I said you need to interact with them 😬 And by this I mean visiting, never taken them out or anything. They are both fit and well.

I expect if my brother has children at some point they will be the golden grandchildren, as he's the golden child. So maybe it's more to do with which child you get on with more.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 19/04/2022 08:33

We have a funny situation. My sister's in laws prefer girls. Her dh was always second to his sister. When my sister had her dc they received no attention from her in laws, but when her sil had her dc they were all over her. My parents over compensated by lavishing lots of attention, childcare, support etc, but this left no room for my dc. My dns have had lot of little sleepovers, weekends away, daily child care, whereas my dc were babysat for once. My dh and I always laugh and say I had no support because sister's in laws, who I barely know, prefer girls! I always think that at least I've been independent, I owe no one nothing.

Bootothegoose · 19/04/2022 08:41

MIL just dislikes me and by extension dislikes my children.

The hardest bit of that has been the gradual realisation of DH. BIL is golden boy so I imagine his children will be fawned over,

AnyCakeButBattenburg · 19/04/2022 08:47

It's true. My (late) MIL used to see her daughter's kids all the time - sleep-overs, days out, special meals made, holidays, etc. My own sons were left out. GC belonging to my husband's sister did a speech at MIL's funeral, and reminisced about the lovely times they'd all had. I was so upset and disappointed for my boys, who sat and listened to it, knowing that they hadn't been included in all those family times.

Courante · 19/04/2022 08:50

I also think that the grandchildren can expose underlying favouritism, which can often be a sign of people who aren't that well balanced or kind, despite trying to appear that way. Even if it isn't favouritism and it is children of daughter or sons - it is pretty nasty to show and even say this is the case.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 19/04/2022 08:51

Closer to in laws than mine. Partly due to age and the fact my mum couldn’t drive. In laws looked after our DDs three times a week and are still very close in their 20s.

Pbbananabagel · 19/04/2022 08:53

When I read threads like this I thank my lucky stars that I have the MIL I do as she adores my kids absolutely as much as their cousin. He was the first and her DD’s child so there is a special bond there, she understands the way he is being patented more than she perhaps understands our parenting style but that does not in any way diminish her commitment to our DC’s.

lugeforlife · 19/04/2022 08:55

My kids are close to my parents and always have been. This is because my in laws are benignly indifferent to my kids. Fond enough if they see them (very rarely) but no real relationship. They are like this with one other set (they have 4 sets) but much closer to the other 2 sets. They are closest to sils but sil also makes the most effort.

On the other hand I was much closer to my paternal grandparents as was my brother. My dad was one of 3 boys and we were both the eldest and the geographically closest so I think that had a lot to do with it.

Starfish1021 · 19/04/2022 08:57

I think it’s really complex. That was a shitty thing of your SIL to say, I hate it when people say things like you need a daughter to look after you in old age. Because it just reinforces all the gendered stereotypes about women and care. I am very close to my mum. But so are my two brothers and they are equally involved in all their grandchildren’s lives. My parents are extremely caring people who have always lived their lives with a generosity of spirt. My in-laws are just very different people. They have never made much effort with their son, never call him on his birthday (not even his 40th). They don’t celebrate Christmas (nominally Christians but don’t like the fuss). So go away somewhere hot. Again totally up to them but it just means they see less of us (we live overseas). I tried for a very long time to facilitate contact but they really aren’t that bothered.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 19/04/2022 08:58

My parents are a lot more 'involved' with my brother's children because they are (a) still very young compared to my giant teenagers and (b) they live in the same town rather than 200 miles away like we do. I've never felt even slightly concerned that the 'love' is any different though. Comparison is the thief of joy and all that malarkey.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 19/04/2022 09:00

Ds1 &2 have almost as much contact with their paternal gps as they do my mum , they are both adults now

Ds3 &4s grandparent doesn't seem interested in them at all but is her dds children

I only have sons bit I was there when dgc 1&2 were born and have had all 3 just as much as their paternal gps have

Momijin · 19/04/2022 09:00

Neither my parents nor my shitty ex mil treat their gc from their daughter any different than from their sons.

DelurkingLawyer · 19/04/2022 09:09

I think most people just don’t find the MIL/DIL relationship easy whichever side they’re on and that reflects on how they treat the children.

So many women say they’d rather spend time with their own mother after the birth, find MIL overbearing etc. It can be easier when it’s your own mum to say shut up, or just ignore.

On the other side MIL often do seem to find it difficult to respect boundaries, accept that this is their son’s household and they aren’t the centre of his universe any more. They also I think just don’t empathise in the same way when the DIL has given birth. I remember years ago reading a very perceptive thread where someone said she had barely slept knowing her daughter was in labour and was shocked afterwards at how the MIL was so businesslike and it was all about the baby and not seeming to be bothered how the birth had been. She said she came to realise it’s just like learning that a kid down the road has broken its leg - any normal person feels sorry in the abstract and sad that happened, but it’s just not the same as it happening to your own child.

So MIL comes in, focuses on the baby, DIL feels left out and annoyed, and that communicates itself to MIL, and then MIL doesn’t want to be so involved. And on it goes.

namechangeranonymouse · 19/04/2022 09:22

I think it would be more to do with the relationship the parents have with the adult child. If a mother is very close to her daughter and less involved with her sons life, it's likely just being in the vicinity mean they would be more interested in her DCs.

Distance they live is also a factor.

My personal experience is that parents are equally involved.

Tomeeornottomee · 19/04/2022 09:24

True for my kids, rarely see my DHs mum- we went lc due to her toxicity. Neither of us are in touch with our fathers. Personally I had a great relationship with grandparents from both sides of the family. Same with DH he was actually closer to his dads parents than his mums.

usernotfound0000 · 19/04/2022 09:25

My in-laws are fantastic. My own parents were somewhat lacking though. DM put in a bit of effort but not loads, never any offers of help and I had to go to them if we wanted to see them. DM passed away when DD1 was 3 and since then DF has been mostly absent apart from birthdays and Christmas cards. My kids don't really know him at all.

HandBagsAtDawnormidday · 19/04/2022 09:27

DH won't entertain any gossip or observations about his family, Mumsnet has been my savior.
SIL has always been demanding, with children it's got worse. For several years we never saw the grandparents unless they were there.
Unfortunately her kids are a nightmare, demanding, sly, distructive. Mine are close to perfect in the short bursts we are all together.
I suspect this really annoys MiL particularly since FiL will be endlessly commenting on our calm house as he drives away.

Ledkr · 19/04/2022 09:33

I have gc from my 3 sons and have definitely been moved aside a little by the maternal grandma. However, I still have two girls at home and work full time where as the other grandparents are all retired so that's a lot to do with it.
When my girls have children ill be older and hopefully retired so it will be different for that reason I'd imagine.
I still.hold some resentment for my pil massively overstepping their boundaries when dd was born tho. Definitely didn't want them sat in the room when midwife visited or hovering outside the toilet door when I was trying to have my first post birth poo Hmm

saraclara · 19/04/2022 09:35

MIL often do seem to find it difficult to respect boundaries, accept that this is their son’s household and they aren’t the centre of his universe any more

But often the woman's mother isn't given such distinct boundaries, is more welcome in the household, and IS allowed to have the same relationship with her daughter that she always did.

Maybe it is natural to a degree, but it still puts the MIL at a disadvantage. She shouldn't have to not care about her son as much as she always has, because there's another woman in his life. That's not expected of the mother of a daughter.

Original poster
Loulou901 · 19/04/2022 09:37

@saraclara I don’t think it’s about being forced to not love their son as much, I think some mother in laws find it hard that their son has another woman in their life and resent the wife.

OP posts:
WildCoasts · 19/04/2022 09:38

I don't think there is any standard. It depends on the relationships and each person's wants and comfort levels with different things. I've been told it is different when a DD is pregnant vs when a DIL is pregnant. I can see how that might be so, as we may be closer to our own daughters and they may be more comfortable with discussing the pregnancy with us. I don't think that's a given though. I don't have a DIL but if/when I do, maybe they'll be open and sharing about that sort of thing or maybe not? Who knows. I'll just take it as it comes.

OhYesIKnowWhatYouMean · 19/04/2022 09:39

Not in my ex's family.

Ex MIL was the best grannie I could have imagined, totally supportive of her DILs as well as her DD. She was the one who rushed to help with toddlers when I went into Labour , she was wonderful, generous and giving to all of her GC, who all adored her.

The DIL who lived closest carried on supporting MIL long after her divorce, when her ex moved away. They were very close and MILs DD was very grateful as she lived a few hours away.

She is my role model of how a MIL should be - if I ever become one!

WildCoasts · 19/04/2022 09:41

[quote Loulou901]@saraclara I don’t think it’s about being forced to not love their son as much, I think some mother in laws find it hard that their son has another woman in their life and resent the wife.[/quote]
Too true. I was happy to have the same open and close relationship with my MIL that I have with my mother. She made that impossible. My mother I can speak up to and put in her place. My MIL I can't and my DH walks on eggshells around his mother, so he's not going to do it. So seeing her less was just easier rather than the more direct approach I could take with my mother.

WildCoasts · 19/04/2022 09:42

@OhYesIKnowWhatYouMean

Not in my ex's family.

Ex MIL was the best grannie I could have imagined, totally supportive of her DILs as well as her DD. She was the one who rushed to help with toddlers when I went into Labour , she was wonderful, generous and giving to all of her GC, who all adored her.

The DIL who lived closest carried on supporting MIL long after her divorce, when her ex moved away. They were very close and MILs DD was very grateful as she lived a few hours away.

She is my role model of how a MIL should be - if I ever become one!

I so wish I could have had that kind of relationship with my MIL.