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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you should be different with your GC

150 replies

Loulou901 · 18/04/2022 21:24

My husbands parents don’t put much effort in at all with DC, however SIL made a comment that it will be a big thing when she has her kids…would you be more involved with your DD’s children than DS’s? As a mother of both I don’t think I would?

Have you noticed this with your DH’s parents?

OP posts:
Chocolatecakes · 18/04/2022 21:51

Sorry I realise what I just wrote was unclear. What I mean is my schedule see a lot lot less of Dh’s parents than they do my parents. By dh’s parents can’t get enough of sil’s child. We all live very close

Echobelly · 18/04/2022 21:52

My parents haven't treated my DB's children any differently to mine and DSis's. I presume some people think 'Mums are closer to daughters and do more of the caregiving therefore they'll be close to DD's kids', but that's not always the case by a long chalk.

ILs were always less involved than my parents but TBH that always had more to do with them both working FT and my parents not.

HiCandles · 18/04/2022 21:53

Well my parents kindly gave us money for the cot. DH's parents bought SIL's pram costing £800 and multiple little outfits and toys. Then gave us £30 and a set of towels. So it definitely happens in that family. They also went on holiday right over due date whereas my own parents would never have done in that in case we needed them.

Original poster
Loulou901 · 18/04/2022 21:54

Yes my DH’s parents went away on my due date too. I find it really odd

OP posts:
Branleuse · 18/04/2022 21:55

I think it depends on the relationship with the DIL a lot of the time. If the mother of the grandchildren gets on great with her mother in law and vice versa, then its better for the grandparent/grandchildren relationship.

brokengoalposts · 18/04/2022 21:56

I was really close to my paternal grandparents, but my dad was an only child. Also my mum was fabulous and made as much effort with both sets of parents.

My ILs favour my SILs children, they openly call her eldest "our favourite". I c as n actually put their gc in order from most to least favourite, my dd being the least. Breaks my heart as they make zero effort with her.

Original poster
Loulou901 · 18/04/2022 21:57

I’ve always tried my best to get on with them, i think I just feel she is a bit false and stand off ish with me which I have never fully understood

OP posts:
Gizacluethen · 18/04/2022 22:05

Thankfully MIL only has sons and DM only has girls. All grandkids are loved and treated equally. I will only have DS, I hope we're close enough when he's grown that I'm able to be a part of his new family.

I think it's fairly natural. It's really the mum that takes on the childrearing and she turns to her own mum for support so that relationship is stronger.

TheScottishPlay · 18/04/2022 22:08

Definitely true of my PILs. They would rather have told us the same thing about Sil's DC 10 times (and often did) than ask about DS.
MIL died recently and I don't miss her one bit. FIL has early dementia and I can't say I feel compelled to do anything to support him either.
SIL is deeply unpleasant, passive aggressive and self centred . I've told DH he'll have to make some choices soon as I've had it with her too.
It's been a grim situation which has very much blighted our relationship at times.

Sunnytwobridges · 18/04/2022 22:13

Unfortunately I see this happen a lot.

Underfrighter · 18/04/2022 22:14

My parents are equally as involved in my brothers children as mine. They have made every effort to treat them all equally and I could honestly say I dont think they have a favourite. So it definitely isn't a universal rule.

Butchyrestingface · 18/04/2022 22:14

@Loulou901

My husbands parents don’t put much effort in at all with DC, however SIL made a comment that it will be a big thing when she has her kids…would you be more involved with your DD’s children than DS’s? As a mother of both I don’t think I would?

Have you noticed this with your DH’s parents?

Well, I don't know about your PiLs - but tact and sensitivity don't seem to be your SiL's strong suite, do they?
Loulou901 · 18/04/2022 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pixies74 · 18/04/2022 22:15

Not SIL's, but BIL's.. They were however the first grandchildren, BIL is utterly dependent on PILs, and MIL has always been a third parent to them.

@pootle40 - I totally get it. My DM is dead (and had dementia from before my DC were born) and my father is an alcoholic with whom I'm very LC.

I also have both a DD and DS and I can't ever imagine treating their DC differently.

Original poster
Loulou901 · 18/04/2022 22:16

Tred**

OP posts:
Snoopey · 18/04/2022 22:17

Mil definitely favours her dds kids more than my kids and her other sons kids. She lavishes them with money, gifts and love. Thing is now, my kids and bils kids are growing up (teenagers) they can see the difference in how they are treated differently - and so have love and respect for the maternal grandparents - and very little respect and love for mil. It's sad really but she's done it to herself.

Original poster
Loulou901 · 18/04/2022 22:18

Undermine** sorry this phone is terrible

OP posts:
Noomorepepperpig · 18/04/2022 22:21

My dd was my mil world as first grandchild. Now her daughter has children, we barely see her. Didn't even phone to say happy birthday for dd2 but babysat for daughter. Honestly don't begrudge the relationship she has with her daughter and her children. It's just soo sad that my children are really not an interest for her anymore. It's upsetting for her son.

Redglitter · 18/04/2022 22:22

Total opposite in our family. My brother has 2 daughters. They're incredibly close to my Mum - days out, overnight stays, holidays etc. They love spending time with my Mum & instigate visits & outings

Completely different to the relationship they had with my SIL Mum

LottiePa · 18/04/2022 22:25

My MIL lives 5 minutes away (with SIL and her two boys) and hasn’t seen 2.5 year old DS for a year. For no reason.

I’ve called her out on it and told her how much it was upsetting DH and she screamed at my in the street.

She’s the most selfish woman I’ve ever had the displeasure of meeting.

For DS’ 2nd birthday, she bought him a present from the pound shop and asked SIL to give it to him. He got nothing from her for Easter. Not even a £1 egg. DS wouldn’t know who she was if she walked past him in the street (I doubt she’s recognise him as the last time she saw him he just turned one!)

I’ll never let her see him again now. My son deserves better than her - I just wish it didn’t make me so angry.

She basically brought SIL’s boys up but couldn’t give a toss about her Son or his child. She’s utterly vile.

PatientlyWaiting21 · 18/04/2022 22:27

Same here! We all get on great, I love them, but they will never suggest coming to visit we always need to arrange it.

stayathomer · 18/04/2022 22:32

If you read mn correctly the world is telling mils/dms of dhs to back off/stay away. I have 4 boys and it brings me out in a cold sweat how many times I see people say their mils want to get too involved/see gcs too re/give too much advice so of course mils dont know what to do!!!!

LadyIckenham · 18/04/2022 22:35

Sil's children are the main grandchildren unfortunately.

DD was the apple of the IL's eye until SIL had her first when DD was 20 months old. I still remember the conversation with MIL when she was trying to put Dd In a highchair and saying not to worry, it would be good practice for Sil's baby.

Have learned to let it go and feel it is their loss. Whilst DC see the different treatment, am pleased to say they have a humerous take on it. Not my family, so I keep out of it and am grateful that we are a strong unit and not beholden to anyone.

mdinbc · 18/04/2022 22:47

This thread makes me feel so sad! I'm a gran to both son and daughter's children and i love and treat them all equally. I did spend a week with DD (she lives quite far away) after the birth of each of hers, but spend more time with my son's kids since they live in town and I see them more often.

Money on b-days and Christmas equally spent, always!

fffffeeeedddduupp · 18/04/2022 22:56

Yep same here. When dd was born 1st gc I was a bit surprised at the fact they were happy to see her 1/2 a month but assumed they weren't hands on gps. Until sil had her dd. They look after her several times a week, she sleeps over most weekends. Sil n bil save a fortune in childcare,, dog walking and gardening. It bugs me because since our dd was born we lost both my parents, two grandads, I had a breakdown, dh has struggled with mh. Dd has had health problems so it's been a tough few years but when we asked for help we get moaned at that we are putting on them. Sil also has bils family to ask so she has a massive support network and we have none. I hope I treat future gc equally.

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