To think you should be different with your GC

[Loulou901]

My husbands parents don’t put much effort in at all with DC, however SIL made a comment that it will be a big thing when she has her kids…would you be more involved with your DD’s children than DS’s? As a mother of both I don’t think I would?

Have you noticed this with your DH’s parents?

It’s difficult really because I would a good relationship with my MIL and care about her very much, I just can’t be doing with the constant, well I did it this way bla bla so it just puts me off.

I think it is often the case. I remember a friend complaining her in laws did this. I said her mum would be the same when her brother had kids, she was adamant that wouldn't happen. Her brother had kids and she admitted her mother was different with her kids.

I think if you read alot of posts on here about MsIL it isn't surprising that they are often wary of getting too involved as the DIL will often complain about them and won't even want them to see the baby for weeks when it's born. It's swings and roundabouts really. I'm close to my GC, I think distance is more of an issue for me, the ones who live within walking distance who have come to me for childcare since babies and come round after school to see if they prefer dinner at my house or mum's have a different relationship with me than the ones who live hundreds of miles away and are very welcome visitors but visitors none the less.

From my relationship with PIL I will never ever make my songs wife/GF feel the way I have felt. I will respect her entirely (unless she is genuinely a nightmare) ha

@AnyCakeButBattenburg

It's true. My (late) MIL used to see her daughter's kids all the time - sleep-overs, days out, special meals made, holidays, etc. My own sons were left out. GC belonging to my husband's sister did a speech at MIL's funeral, and reminisced about the lovely times they'd all had. I was so upset and disappointed for my boys, who sat and listened to it, knowing that they hadn't been included in all those family times.

That is really sad. I think the older my children get the more obvious it becomes to them. And the sad thing is, my son misses them and asks to see them, and when we do visit, they moan about being bored.

Come and visit your bloody grandchildren then! It's a ten minute car ride and you have literally nothing else to do!

My daughter is scrupulously fair about access to our grandson. Her in-laws are both divorced and remarried so there's three sets of grandparents in the mix. We have a great relationship with our grandson, and we look after him two days a week and also have him overnight if they've got a social event to attend.

Mother-in-law is great too. She steps in if we can't have our grandson for any reason and lavishes lots of love and attention on him. She is also the most amazing present giver - she has that knack of finding just the things that he loves!!!!

Other in-laws are also fond of him, and they have other grand-children too from his second wife. So nice for our grandson to have other children to play with. So I would say a win-win all round for our boy.

But often the woman's mother isn't given such distinct boundaries, is more welcome in the household, and IS allowed to have the same relationship with her daughter that she always did

Boundaries are often not very noticeable when they are well-enforced on one side and respected on the other. Doesn’t mean they aren’t there.

And people who respect my boundaries do tend to be made more welcome in my home because I find them more relaxing company knowing they aren’t constantly pushing.

I think the MIL also gives off the vibe that no woman is good enough for her precious son, that’s the vibe I got anyway haha!

My mother has this bizarre belief as well. She was most put-out that my MIL has more involvement than she does- she considered herself the 'proper' grandmother.

It should be the same, but I can understand why some PILs find it hard to navigate the line between 'involved' and 'interfering' with their daughter in law.

There are threads all the time about women not wanting their PILs anywhere near their PFB, even when it's their first grandchild and they're likely to be so excited. Always lots of advice about not letting anybody come over to meet the baby for weeks on end, not letting people hold the baby, don't let the PILs have the grandchild over to play etc. I'd find it hard to build a good relationship with a DIL who treated our family that way.

DIL seem happy to demonise a MIL behaviour compared to that of their own mothers.

I’m not sure it’s always that - you just feel able to communicate more directly with your own mother, I think. My mother is an extremely difficult woman. My MIL is pretty uptight, but rather easier. So it’s not about preference for them as people. But I have no problem telling my mother that she’s out of order, or to stop saying something or whatever. More difficult, however, with my MIL - and therefore things do fester over time.

Yes, I think sometimes DIL can be equally challenging if they want to be, usually ob the back of how they have been treated previously by MIL, I’ve wanted nothing but approval from my MIL and it seems impossible to get so I gave up.

She could have the best relationship with me if she wanted, she just chooses to belittle me as it makes her feel superior somehow, crack on

The main problem with my PIL is that they wanted a relationship with my PFB - but didn't want a relationship with me. It was obvious I was a barrier to them rather than someone to share family with. They wanted me out of the way to give them free reign over my children and household. And MIL had a golden child and scapegoat and others she's ignored or gave some attention to among my children. That was not on and my DH refused to speak to her about anything. Any wonder the relationship died?

@Loulou901

Yes, I think sometimes DIL can be equally challenging if they want to be, usually ob the back of how they have been treated previously by MIL, I’ve wanted nothing but approval from my MIL and it seems impossible to get so I gave up.

She could have the best relationship with me if she wanted, she just chooses to belittle me as it makes her feel superior somehow, crack on

Why 'usually'?

A lot of women I know seem to have a natural bias away from their MIL, especially once they have children. I really noticed in conversations at baby groups. They don't like the way she does things, they don't want her round as much as she is. Whereas they see their own mothers daily and they are so much better with the baby. Funny that

My Mils daughters don't have children, both her sons do. She is brilliant, my Mam is not in the picture, my Mil was there every time I was going to hospital to have DCs, she lives an hour away but comes up every week. She adores all her Dgc.
I ring her most days too.

I don’t think they do have a natural bias…not in my experience anyway, I have nothing but upmost respect for my MIL but she chooses to treat me badly and I don’t understand why? They seem to see us as a threat it’s embarrassing

I think it entirely depends on the MIL.

My MIL is like the mother I never had. However, I know from previous threads that a lot of people on here would hate the kind of relationship we have (she actually lives with us now).

I also have a wonderful relationship with a lovely lady that I call my other-MIL. She’s the Mum of my DH’s late first wife.
It hasn’t been always easy, we’ve all had to work hard to find a way that works, but we hit a point whereby when DS1 (her grandson) wanted to call me Mum and I was unsure it was OMIL who said that she believed her daughter would be happy that DS, who she loved being Mummy to, had a Mum to love and protect him.

I don’t think it’s about the son or daughter angle with MILs. It’s just about the personalities involved.

And also the circumstances. My SIL is really resentful that MIL didn’t offer the amount of childcare for her DD as she gave DH with DS1. SIL completely ignores the circumstances )DH was recently widowed with a toddler), the timescales (DS1 is 22, DN is 2 - MIL is sprightly, but she’s in her late 70s now), locations (DH lived a 3 min walk away, BIL & SIL live a 2 hour drive away) and, most importantly, that MIL had FIL then.

Good relationships take effort and work from all sides.

I don’t think it’s worth getting upset before it happens!
I think the whole thing is very complex and stems from the different way in which adult daughters and sons tend to relate to their families and that it’s still mothers who do most of the childcare, mothers who carry the child and give birth, women who organise and do the work for many family social events. Obviously just generalisations and there are different circumstances but on average it’s true and I don’t think it’s fair to ‘blame’ anyone unless the GC are very obviously favouring one set of children over another

DIL seem happy to demonise a MIL behaviour compared to that of their own mothers.

Maybe in some cases but not all. With MILs you have to tiptoe because you don’t want to offend while also ensuring your own boundaries are met whereas with your own mum, you can usually be more direct and outspoken and you already know how they are going to be.

I get along with my in-laws but the moment I had our first, then they decided to visit us (never had before) and on top of that stayed with us instead of getting a hotel where there were numerous vacancies and could have afforded it (four adults sharing one loo, one recovering from child birth and two with IBS). I will also add that MIL wanted details about our son, then was about to ask how my DH was doing until FIL cut her off and asked about me. Happily told me about her lovely natural births after knowing how shi**y mine was and how badly we were treated. Even made a joke about me being traumatised still a year later on our son’s first because I was a bit teary (was suffering from PTSD that I got help for when pregnant with my second.

My own mother and I were LC for years and if it wasn’t for my father calling me every week, we would have gone months if not more not speaking. It wasn’t until after I had our first that our relationship got better.

I think it's natural that you'd be closer to your DD's children - she carried them, and given that it's still predominantly the mums who take on the bulk of the childcare early on (and in many cases through childhood!) it also stands to reason that she will want to lean on her mum, not her partner's mum - so if you have sons who have a baby you might well find that naturally they become closer to the mum's parents rather than you.

[quote Loulou901]@saraclara I don’t think it’s about being forced to not love their son as much, I think some mother in laws find it hard that their son has another woman in their life and resent the wife.[/quote]
But why is the MIL expected to step back from her relationship with her son, when the mother is not expected to step back from her relationship with her daughter (or the daughter's father step back because there's another man in her life)?
It just isn't logical at all, and a MIL is at a real disadvantage from day 1.

Like I say, when I read MN I'm enormously relieved to have daughters.

Nope mine will get treated all the same, will help where I can and when needed.
My family has their favourite grandchildren and I know only to well how it feels.

The mother is not expected to step back from her son at all…it’s about getting the balance right and not being overbearing surely?

I love my son more than anything in the world and will respect his choices and respect any woman he brings into our lives and treat them as part of our family if she becomes a wife/gf, especially if they have children. From my experience I think I now understand how to get the balance right with both parties

It massively depends how overbearing you are as a parent I think. I won’t be that at all.

Every relationship if different and some DIL embrace their ILs but how would you untangle the cause and effect of being closer to a DD than a DDIL and a DD welcoming the input of a DM more than a DMIL? We might hope the DGPs treated all DGC equally but there might be a consequence of a DDIL loathing their ILs that make this impossible.

Maybe it is natural to a degree, but it still puts the MIL at a disadvantage. She shouldn't have to not care about her son as much as she always has, because there's another woman in his life. That's not expected of the mother of a daughter.

Aside of the fact that I couldn't stand to be in the same country as my late MIL. It's not that. I had DCs in my mid 30s and have always had a really close relationship with my mum. It was totally natural that i spoke to her a LOT more (and would have even if i hadn't loathed my MIL) than to a woman who is only in my life because i married her son.

When my mum visited each time after the birth of a DC of course she was more concerned about me than my MIL would be, why should a MIL be over bothered about the health of a woman she's only related to by marriage? unless they had a really close relationship before DC arrived.

I see it with my DH, he's not close to his family and barely facilitates contact. I don't care because i don't like my In Laws that much, we have zero in common and i wouldn't choose to socialise with them if we weren't related. I'm pretty sure they feel the same about me so we're polite if we meet and that's it. I don't lose sleep over it.

My poor parents, though, with my DBs kids. They do all the running, always have. He's only really in contact when he wants/needs something. But they have always stepped up, looking after his kids when asked (for a week at a time sometimes) but do they get visits on their birthdays? easter? mother's day (bro is always at his MILs for that, his wife insists and he goes along with it. I don't blame my SIL for that, except that my parents are totes lovely and it makes them sad. It is up to my DB to facilitate a relationship)

That's just how some families are. But it is bizarre to think that a labouring woman or a woman who has just given birth is going to parcel out her time scrupulously 50/50 between her own parents and the ILs. Unless she really really wants to

And i think that's how the Grandparent relationship develops.