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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you can’t get away with an affair?

116 replies

Hiphopfrogger · 16/04/2022 16:20

My best friend is having an affair. It’s been going on for around 3 months and her husband is utterly oblivious (despite some rather obvious signs that I think female intuition would be alert too should the situation be reversed).

AIBU to think it’s all going to come crashing down at some point? From reading the relationships board, it seems like the affairs are usually discovered. But as I say, on mumsnet we usually get the woman’s perspective and maybe men don’t pick up on the signs so easily.

OP posts:
lemongreentea · 16/04/2022 16:22

She sounds horrible and I would be reconsidering my friendship with her.

PumpkinPie2016 · 16/04/2022 16:23

YANBU it is bound to be discovered eventually. Her poor husband Sad

Is he also a friend of yours?

I'm not sure I could continue to be friends with her knowing she was having an affair but I appreciate I don't have the full details and everyone is different.

Original poster
Hiphopfrogger · 16/04/2022 16:24

I’m not judging.tbh her husband isn’t great, pretty poor father and she can do better. Not that it excuses it at all, but I don’t feel any loyalty to him or anything.

OP posts:
Hotelhelp · 16/04/2022 16:24

People have affairs for years OP. It may come out but it may not.

DrSbaitso · 16/04/2022 16:26

It might, it might not. Some do, some don't. If they all got found out eventually, we wouldn't have to worry about whether or not we should tell people about them, since discovery is always inevitable.

If it's a result of problems in her relationship, though, then she's a fool to think those are going to go away, or that the affair will buoy her through them forever.

Original poster
Hiphopfrogger · 16/04/2022 16:26

Years? But how? All the subterfuge must be exhausting!

OP posts:
ImBurtMacklin · 16/04/2022 16:27

Not sure anyone would post on the relationships board about ‘my husband is not shoving an affair’.

Itsbackagain · 16/04/2022 16:28

You don't need loyalty to him, you just need to have morals. I can't imagine staying friends with a cheater but that's my standards i guess.

grotsnags · 16/04/2022 16:29

I think loads don't come out, some never find out & some suspect but look the other way.

PegasusReturns · 16/04/2022 16:30

Many don’t.

I reckon most of the men I worked with in my 20s were cheating on their wives. It was endemic. Someone I worked closely with had had a mistress for 20 years. Astonishing yet not uncommon.

IncompleteSenten · 16/04/2022 16:31

I think most people who cheat are never found out.

Hoppyspring · 16/04/2022 16:31

Of course you can. I'm not advocating it but I had an affair about 10yrs ago. It went on for 2 yrs & was pretty intense. To this day the only people that know are me & him.

DrSbaitso · 16/04/2022 16:31

@Hiphopfrogger

Years? But how? All the subterfuge must be exhausting!
The excitement is probably pretty energising.

If he's not paying her any attention then it'll be easier.

arethereanyleftatall · 16/04/2022 16:31

There are huge numbers of men on tinder with the profile 'married but looking for fun. Must be discrete. Can meet when I'm 'on a business trip' for champagne and hotel fun'. Literally hundreds and hundreds of profiles like that. No, I don't think they all get found out. So easy to do. Two phones. Away on business. It's too easy.

Original poster
Hiphopfrogger · 16/04/2022 16:32

20 years?! God you’d think you’d get bored after a bit!

OP posts:
MrMrsJones · 16/04/2022 16:33

I know ow someone who has had an affair for over 40yrs

She has been married and divorced, he is married to the same person.

LollyLol · 16/04/2022 16:34

Affairs go under the radar in a lot of cases. It is really unfair of your friend to bring you in to her secret, and I suspect if she felt she had to spill the beans, she may not be the kind of person who will have the duplicity to carry off a long term affair without giving the game away.

SuchAsSeals · 16/04/2022 16:36

You'll only hear about the ones that are discovered, unless the person having the affair posts about it. I do think they tend to be discovered, though, or even if not, the marriage/partnership still suffers.

If she's not happy with her husband and wants to sleep with other men, she needs to leave him. I'd not think very highly of her, after this, regardless of how poor a husband he may be. She lives in a place where she can leave him. No excuse for cheating.

thestraitofillinois · 16/04/2022 16:37

Incredibly, I don't know anyone who has had an affair.

Is that because nobody I know has, or because they are good at keeping things under cover?

OP, what signs are there for you to wonder why the man hasn't realised?

DrSbaitso · 16/04/2022 16:38

@thestraitofillinois

Incredibly, I don't know anyone who has had an affair.

Is that because nobody I know has, or because they are good at keeping things under cover?

OP, what signs are there for you to wonder why the man hasn't realised?

Statistically, it's very likely because they were keeping it under cover.
stripeyflowers · 16/04/2022 16:39

I genuinely don't believe that all affairs are found out.

Tigertigertigertiger · 16/04/2022 16:40

Of course they are not all found out

StopFeckingFaffing · 16/04/2022 16:41

I suspect your friend doesn't want to 'get away with it'. Surely if she genuinely wanted it to remain a secret she wouldn't have told you. If her husband is a bit of a dick then this might be her way of ending it (I'm suggesting that's a good idea btw)

I'm sure some affairs do remain a secret but the people involved probably keep it to themselves

Original poster
Hiphopfrogger · 16/04/2022 16:42

She’s bought some new, more fitting clothes, been out clubbing (something she hasn’t done for many years) and is generally avoiding her husband if she can, working late etc.

OP posts:
StopFeckingFaffing · 16/04/2022 16:42

Typo - *not a good idea that should say

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