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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you can’t get away with an affair?

116 replies

Hiphopfrogger · 16/04/2022 16:20

My best friend is having an affair. It’s been going on for around 3 months and her husband is utterly oblivious (despite some rather obvious signs that I think female intuition would be alert too should the situation be reversed).

AIBU to think it’s all going to come crashing down at some point? From reading the relationships board, it seems like the affairs are usually discovered. But as I say, on mumsnet we usually get the woman’s perspective and maybe men don’t pick up on the signs so easily.

OP posts:

thestraitofillinois · 16/04/2022 16:42

@Tigertigertigertiger

Of course they are not all found out

I kind of get where the OP is coming from though. You'd think that there would be signs, like unexplained time away, difference in behaviour, smelling of perfume/aftershave, etc?!

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 16/04/2022 16:42

Back in my youth I was seeing an older guy for about a year before I discovered he was married.

I ended things with him, his wife never found out, and I was too young and naive to think about telling her.

Its not always discovered.

thestraitofillinois · 16/04/2022 16:43

@Hiphopfrogger

She’s bought some new, more fitting clothes, been out clubbing (something she hasn’t done for many years) and is generally avoiding her husband if she can, working late etc.

Those wouldn't be red flags for me though (I'm female). I would be thinking she just wanted some new clothes, wanted more fun, and was busy with work!

DrSbaitso · 16/04/2022 16:45

Some years ago, I lost weight, cut my hair, bought a new wardrobe and got a new job involving travel.

It was one of the best times of my life, but I wasn't having an affair.

ZaraSizeMedium · 16/04/2022 16:51

Anyone having an affair will be giving off loads of signals, whether they realise it or not.

Some people get more adept at hiding it as time goes on, as each suspicion is raised and they gaslight their way out of it, or as each affair discovery happens they learn more ways to cover it up, but the signals are always there.

Hence the hundreds of “something feels off” posts on the relationship board.

I’m going to suggest that her husband is, for whatever reason, deliberately choosing to ignore those signals, or he doesn’t actually care enough to really notice them.

So no, not all affairs are officially “found out” but it’s extremely rare that they would come as a complete shock to the spouse/partner and in almost 99.9% of cases they will look back and realise the signs were all there.

Blossomtoes · 16/04/2022 16:53

@Hotelhelp

People have affairs for years OP. It may come out but it may not.

This. I once knew someone who had an affair that lasted 30 years, both spouses completely oblivious.

the80sweregreat · 16/04/2022 16:59

Most women I know who have had affairs ( one has been married to him for years now) it mostly worked out ok for them to be honest , even if they didn't stay with the person , they ended up happier and seemed to come out of it alright
It's the men that seemed worse off and became the bad guys, even though they were not the ones cheating. Women seem to be forgiven a lot more than men do if they have an affair.

Hotelhelp · 16/04/2022 17:01

Yes in some cases people actively want to be found out without actually having to come clean.

One party leaving a suspicious object in the others home or vehicle in the hope that it will cause things to come to a head and the affair partner will be with them.

Original poster

Hiphopfrogger · 16/04/2022 17:01

Maybe her DH is oblivious- or thinks it’s all for his benefit! (The new clothes and general more cheery mood anyway)

OP posts:

Idonea · 16/04/2022 17:06

If the husband barely notices her, he's hardly going to notice her affair. He doesn't notice the new clothes, the spring on her step, doesn't notice or care that she's going out - precisely the inattention that leads to people seeking affairs.

He didn't care about her before so why should he now she's around less?

SpiderinaWingMirror · 16/04/2022 17:08

No they are not always or even usually discovered in my view.

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 16/04/2022 17:09

@lemongreentea

She sounds horrible and I would be reconsidering my friendship with her.

That would be doing her a favour, as friends don't need friends who judge them.

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 16/04/2022 17:11

Oh, and I think affairs can very often go undetected, assuming both parties are happy for it to stay that way. I know of several which are open secrets. Some people - especially if they're older - turn a blind eye, as they no longer think it's that important.

feellikeanalien · 16/04/2022 17:21

I think if you're not looking for evidence of an affair and you don't have a reason to suspect then often a cheater can get away with it.

Looking back the signs that my ex-H was having an affair were there for all to see. Staying out late with new friends from work, going to the gym, wanting to go clubbing. If someone I was with started doing that now I think I would spot it straight away, or at least be suspicious, but when you love someone and don't know what the signs of an affair are then you can be quite oblivious.

All of our friends were gobsmacked and thought that he would be the least likely out of our friendship group to do that.

Whatsmyname100 · 16/04/2022 17:26

@Itsbackagain

You don't need loyalty to him, you just need to have morals. I can't imagine staying friends with a cheater but that's my standards i guess.

Exactly. I couldn't stay associated with someone with those morals.b

VyeBrator · 16/04/2022 17:32

I work with someone who's been having an affair for nearly 4 years and her husband is clueless.

MrFsAunt · 16/04/2022 17:38

Of course people get away with affairs and have done since time began.

We only hear about the ones that get found out.

thestraitofillinois · 16/04/2022 17:43

If people are getting away with historical affairs, then by inference, the affair has ended. I wonder what the circumstances are for affairs to end and how this is managed in reality.

FabFitFifties · 16/04/2022 17:51

I worked with a lady who used to simper over her husband on the phone at work. Or so we thought. Turned out it was her husband's best friend, with whom she had been having an affair for 10 years. I'm afraid I did judge, and didn't look at her the same way again.

DrSbaitso · 16/04/2022 17:54

@thestraitofillinois

If people are getting away with historical affairs, then by inference, the affair has ended. I wonder what the circumstances are for affairs to end and how this is managed in reality.

How does any relationship end?

Discovery is always a possibility, though it doesn't always cause an affair to end. Other than that, because one or both people no longer want to do it.

5128gap · 16/04/2022 18:02

Its much easier to get away with if the primary partner is quite disinterested, wrapped up in themselves and their work or interests, and/or doesn't think too much about their partner as long as their own needs are met. So I'm sure a lot of women could get away with it if they so chose.
I did read once that they key was for neither party to ever tell a soul and to never ever admit it if challenged. Then all anyone would have on them would be things they could explain away, like being spotted somewhere together. Unless they're actually caught in the act, it's almost impossible to prove an actual physical affair. They usually come to light because one AP cracks under questioning.

howtomoveforwards · 16/04/2022 18:05

I’m going to suggest that her husband is, for whatever reason, deliberately choosing to ignore those signals, or he doesn’t actually care enough to really notice them

Utter rubbish. You don't actually have to work particularly hard to hide an affair. Just pick up the phone when it rings, go out at the usual time, come home at the usual time. You engage in your marriage and you are decent and kind when with your family.

At least that's how it happened to me. My ex got away with it for years because I was up to my ears in toddlers and babies and because he was careful not to draw attention to it. Sneaky enough to remove the evidence like phone bills. Not because I didn't care or because I chose to look the other way.

Jewel1968 · 16/04/2022 18:05

I knew of a couple (think they were in their 70s) and he was having an affair for decades. It only came to light when he won the lottery. She came out of the shadows hoping for a cut.

veevee04 · 16/04/2022 18:07

A lot don't come out especially if both are quite happy with the situation and secrecy. It's more likely to come out if one of them is single or one wants to make a new life with the affair partner.

DrSbaitso · 16/04/2022 18:08

@Jewel1968

I knew of a couple (think they were in their 70s) and he was having an affair for decades. It only came to light when he won the lottery. She came out of the shadows hoping for a cut.

Ha! Surely he didn't reward her rumbling him? If the affair was ongoing, presumably she'd have got something from it in the form of gifts or holidays?

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