To think you can’t get away with an affair?

[Hiphopfrogger]

My best friend is having an affair. It’s been going on for around 3 months and her husband is utterly oblivious (despite some rather obvious signs that I think female intuition would be alert too should the situation be reversed).

AIBU to think it’s all going to come crashing down at some point? From reading the relationships board, it seems like the affairs are usually discovered. But as I say, on mumsnet we usually get the woman’s perspective and maybe men don’t pick up on the signs so easily.

I've seen so many affairs get exposed by the party who are single and have nothing to lose.

Do they not have the affair to lose?

I'd imagine that married people who have affairs but don't leave are making that choice because, as with you, the setup suits them for whatever reason. Presumably the married person won't thank the AP for screwing that up?

She wouldn’t be my friend. Also, these affairs can carry on for years undetected. I remember my dad worked with a guy 40 ish years ago who had a family with a couple of kids. Anyhow, he’d leave home and go home to ‘Jane’ and the kids. One day, it turned out that he actually had two families who lived a few miles apart and he’d refer to ‘Jane’ and ‘my wife’ to his colleagues who obviously thought they were the same person. The colleagues were fooled but the women only found out when one of the kids went to a birthday party, saw daddy with another woman and told his mum. All hell broke loose. He’d got away with it for about 10-12 years at that point.

@DrSbaitso I think it's because they hope that the other person will then leave and they'll end up together. I've seen people write anonymous letters pretending to be the concerned friend when really they are trying to expose the affair in the hope that the wife will throw the AP out and they'll live happily ever after.

I think it must be a lot harder these days with phones etc to keep it hidden. Back in the olden days there would have been no trace! Now you’d have to really cover your tracks on your phone - I couldn’t cope with the hassle!

I would crack and tell so it would never have been for me regardless of the moral implications.

But some people enjoy lying and game playing because they are prone to boredom and are mischief making. I think something in their heads is a bit broken.

I have a relative who is like this and she has had many affairs. She is very messed up and has always been hugely attention seeking. I have nothing to do with her.

DH uncle had an affair for six years, he worked away from home on engineering projects overseas. I am unsure how it was discovered but it ended in divorce and his poor Aunt was destroyed by it all. I had known his Uncle for about 12 years and had always felt a bit on edge near him, he had roaming eyes and was always so full of himself.

[quote hamdden12]@DrSbaitso I think it's because they hope that the other person will then leave and they'll end up together. I've seen people write anonymous letters pretending to be the concerned friend when really they are trying to expose the affair in the hope that the wife will throw the AP out and they'll live happily ever after. [/quote]
Another reason never to do this anonymously, if you decide to do it...

I can't see that having a great success rate. Even if the married person doesn't guess that the AP was behind it, if the married person didn't actually want to leave their spouse and go to the AP, it's not likely to turn into a happy ending after all.

I have a nuanced view of affairs. They're never right, of course, but they're not all the same and they're not the only way to ruin a marriage. Some people are unbelievably cold and abusive about it all, some are just desperately unhappy and ill-treated.

I've had friends whose fathers had an affair for around 5 and 7 years. Both of their mothers were completely blindsided, and only found out when their husbands wanted them to. Who knows if they were kidding themselves or not, I can only go on what they told me. One of the affair partners was even friendly with my friend's mother. I think if people are extremely sneaky, and able to put on a good show, they can keep it secret for a scarily long time.

My mum was always having affairs, only ever left her marriages for the next affair partner, she was proud of it, many due to her insane vanity. It disgusted me. Nothing good comes out of affairs, just hurt and angst.

I would never be unfaithful to my DH, we have been happily married for 28 years. I am nothing like my mum at all.

@hamdden12 I read and felt every work you said. I was that person. The one with nothing to lose. And after a time of love contrasted with crashing disappointment I said goodbye. Mainly because of a set of words that still resonate in my mind: “I can’t give you what you want… for now”. Errr really? With an only child off to uni this year and what was illustrated as separate lives and ´together for the child’…after reading so many posts here seemed like a loop tape.

I have read a lot of women’s views and experiences on this forum called Mumsnet… and whilst there is vitriol there is also raw honesty and uncompromising views Nd a hell of a lot of life experiences shared willingly.. which is fantastic.

My story was a classic (according to Mumsnet I guess)… but heightened by this pandemic and with falling in love with a person I couldn’t meet for months. The irony is he has the forename and surname as my cousin which is the irony of how we met in the first instance. And in that time when I enquired as to whether this person had family… the response was I have an older child who is x. No mention of a partner and I thought this person was unattached!

I was told of a partnership that had been devoid of all affection for many years… a child that had health issues… a wait and see game… and I believed most of it but not all.

It still baffles me that people can live 1/2 lives instead of grabbing life and having the conviction to move forward and yes, take risks. The kind of risks that mean they are single and have to start again’. It still baffles me that choice to crawl into bed with someone you no longer like and move through life like that. I can’t understand what possesses men or women to live like that?

It tore my guts out to say goodbye. I chose to end it when things were really lovely between us and toward the end I refused to be that person who would ask when would he leave /change/ be free etc. Especially since in the beginning he said he would leave! (Early days of the pandemic) I had a long hard think and made the decision to ensure the partner of this person was apprised of the 18 month relationship. Not in huge detail but enough to ensure there would be no doubt as to what I was saying. I wanted her to have the choice of making a /if any decision with all the information she was denied.

As Their partnership was over 20 years old the questions she posed when she rang.. cos she did ring didn’t she!? Indicated she had been through this situation before.

I never had this type of experience prior. it was very strange but I was not going to sit… hope… wait… for something to change to move forward and to be free flowing. There is too much constraint in this type of situation and at times no air at all… its condensed and compressed and definitely becomes unhealthy physically and spiritually.

Learned whatever lesson I was supposed to ( I believe).. hopefully the dialogue had with his partner will empower her and at least after the storm provide something if not relief.

In closing I am now determined to confirm single status with anyone I see in the future as this experience has been difficult and in many areas largely unsatisfactory.

For those people who think I should tell her husband, I’m not the relationship police and I’m not responsible for him! If he opened his eyes he’d see.

I will also keep supporting my friend. I’m not perfect so I don’t think I can demand moral perfection from my friends either. As @LaVieestBelleNestCePas and @hamdden12 have generously explained, it’s not always a clear cut choice between right or wrong. Life is messy and things happen.

It's very naïve of you OP to think you can't get away with an affair.

I would say the majority of people who have them are never found out.

@Hiphopfrogger I think what we all have to remember is that (and maybe its idealism here).. I don’t think people deliberately start out a relationship dating to themselves … ´Oh… in 5 years time I’m going to be cheating on you… sleeping around… desperately unhappy… wracked with guilt resentment and shame!!!!!

It’s like walking into your favourite restaurant saying to yourself ‘Right’! I’m going to have the most fabulous meal and then come down with food poisoning’?!?!

I truly don’t believe most people are like that. Yes.. of course there are sociopaths and narcissists amongst us… but most people are just doing their best.. paying this mortgage, going to ziti.. looking after their family children etc…

It is very easy to expect that a human does the right thing all of the time.., we don’t.

Unfortunately there (was really) is no (and there should be) a manual and classes on what makes a great relationship.. self esteem… confidence building… consent.. IMO all that should be taught in social studies at puberty or before depending on the subject matter. For those of us who did not have great models at least there would be a textbook example to help and also to reflect upon.

Going to work lol not ziti!?!

@Zymphonics

Not unreasonable. Someone will slip up or someone will tell... And they'd deserve what's coming. If I knew what you knew I'd be telling her husband and she would be no friend of mine anymore. Friends who are deceitful and untrustworthy aren't valuable friends and have no place in my life. I'd actually be a horrible person myself holding that secret and remaining friends with someone who I knew was cheating.... People like that have no place in my life I value myself more than that. And I'd also have more respect for her other half than to know and not tell him (yet be fine to post about it and the fact I was watching it all go down... )

People who betray their friends, deliberately causing trouble for them are meddlesome drama seekers. You can dress it up all you like as 'respect' and 'care' for a man you barely know, but you're deluding yourself. You want the excitement of seeing her get her comeuppance, and are pretending it's a moral act, when you have absolutely no idea whether it's the right thing in this situation. I've seen interfering people like you escalate chains of events that have ended in violence and suicide. If your principles are such you would end the friendship, then that's an understandable and perfectly adequate response. Anything more is just indulging your own selfish desires at other people's expense.

Men are generally too self absorbed and self-important to even think that their wife might be having an affair 🙄.

How did you work things out with your hubbie if you are with him now? My marriage is on off and I was seeing someone for 9 months when my relationship was off mostly. All done now he turned out to be a coke addict but how do you work things out with hubbie if you are still with him now?