To think you can’t get away with an affair?

[Hiphopfrogger]

My best friend is having an affair. It’s been going on for around 3 months and her husband is utterly oblivious (despite some rather obvious signs that I think female intuition would be alert too should the situation be reversed).

AIBU to think it’s all going to come crashing down at some point? From reading the relationships board, it seems like the affairs are usually discovered. But as I say, on mumsnet we usually get the woman’s perspective and maybe men don’t pick up on the signs so easily.

You can't prove a negative.
You can only know about affairs if they are found out or disclosed.
If the affair is not discovered or disclosed then no-one knows. It's been happening throughout time!

As far as I remember the marriage was broken. The wife didn't have a clue before the lottery win. Don't know what happened to him and the OW after that. The chap who told me the story was a friend of their son.

I know lots of people who never got found out, many more than either admitted it or got caught.

One of the women I worked with had an affair with someone for over 15 years. They saw each other occasionally and would go away together the same time every year to Spain, they said he was on a golfing holiday and she was away with friends. Neither of their partners ever found out and it only ended when she left her husband and her affair partner for yet another man.

There were 15 people in the office where I worked, over half of them were unfaithful (sometimes with each other), none seemed to be particularly discreet, one was in his 40's and brought the 19 year old he was having an affair with to the Xmas party 😳

Some people get found out, some people admit it but a lot just carry on and give very little thought to their actions and there absolutely no consequences except to their own psyche or if you believe in it, soul.

20 years?! God you’d think you’d get bored after a bit!

The affair was supplemented by various flings/girlfriends/shorter term mistresses over the years.

I’m sure I read somewhere once that affairs are more likely to be discovered by wives rather than husbands.

I’m not entirely sure if it’s true or not. But I think women do have a strong intuition.

@Luckystar1

I’m sure I read somewhere once that affairs are more likely to be discovered by wives rather than husbands.

I’m not entirely sure if it’s true or not. But I think women do have a strong intuition.

And men are more likely to stop noticing what's going on with their wife emotionally; less likely to have a genuine interest in how she spends her days, know her habits, who her friends are, to listen to her or bother reading her body language. How many times do women speak and men barely look up from the TV to pretend to listen? A lot of women could probably say straight out they'd spent the day in bed with another man and their husband wouldn't even register the words.

These situations are rarely black-and-white - l wouldn't judge

Nah, people get away with them all the time. Women and men.

Although in this case it sounds like she might want to be caught. IME if you don’t want to be you usually won’t be.

The affair partner in this situation is single so seems like a bit of a loose cannon. He’s got no reason to keep the secret in the way that my friend does.

You’re a bad friend OP.
A really bad friend.

A ‘Not great’ partner, a bad BF, and she probably does like herself much either.

But you gossip away why don’t you…

doesn’t like herself

There was a poster on here who posted her friend had just found out her husband had been carrying on with another woman for most of their marriage;thé affair had been going on for years

So pathetic for a friend to (albeit anonymously) gossip this way about their friend. Teenagers would call someone who did this ‘a snake’

They aren’t far wrong tbh.

No, school-mum on the edge of our friendship group had a 6 month affair with one of the (single) school dads followed by a 5 year affair with someone outside the school circle. She would see him during the day while her husband worked and would go on "girls holidays" with him. Only ended it when it ran its course and her husband is oblivious.

Eh? I’m not gossiping, I’m wondering if her life is going fall apart if it’s discovered. There’s nothing I can do about it either way!

Maybe you should go to bed @Quincythequince. You seem grumpy.

@Hiphopfrogger

Eh? I’m not gossiping, I’m wondering if her life is going fall apart if it’s discovered. There’s nothing I can do about it either way!

Maybe you should go to bed @Quincythequince. You seem grumpy.

Not grumpy and have never had an affair. But have been trusted with secrets and gossiping about them on a forum isn’t keeping them, no matter what you tell yourself.

Maybe you should go to bed. Or indeed take up another hobby that doesn’t involve entertainment off your friends back, and unknowingly too.

Forewarned is forearmed, @Quincythequince. If (as seems unlikely, hopefully) her life and that of her children is going to be upended as the result of this affair), I’d rather know about it and be prepared because I’ll be around for the fall out.

Hardly the same as teenage gossip - ‘my friend shagged your friend, psssst, don’t tell anyone’, is it?

Not you live to gossip about hiphop is it.

Looking for other peoples opinions so you can discuss this in hushed tones next time you’re out? Why do you need to be forewarned??

You’re no friend worth having. That much is true.

She probably just wants a friend, not a friend espousing others opinions.

Pathetic tbh.

Not your life to gossip

You’re weird @Quincythequince.

Of course you can get away with an affair. There are always people who know something but it’s not always become known to partners. I suppose it depends on circumstances: is it a casual sex/having fun thing or is it something more for at least one party. The serious one would be more difficult to hide imo, as people are more intense and their behavior changes more noticeably.

@Hiphopfrogger

Forewarned is forearmed, *@Quincythequince*. If (as seems unlikely, hopefully) her life and that of her children is going to be upended as the result of this affair), I’d rather know about it and be prepared because I’ll be around for the fall out.

Hardly the same as teenage gossip - ‘my friend shagged your friend, psssst, don’t tell anyone’, is it?

And you demonstrate that you actually lack the moral compass of teenagers by drawing that comparison.

Find a hobby! And do your friend a favour by finding a new friend too.

@Hiphopfrogger

You’re weird *@Quincythequince*.

No. I’m not. But you clearly have nothing worth discussing in your own life if this is what you post about. And especially in AIBU

You’re repeating yourself now @Quincythequince. Have you perhaps had too much to drink?