To think I just wouldn’t fit in at NCT classes?

[Tulipsanddaffs06]

First time mum, 24 weeks pregnant. I feel a little lonely tbh as none of my friends are pregnant and I’d like to meet some other pregnant women due around the same time as me is poss.

Thing is, I don’t want to breastfeed (please can we not make that the main focus of this post!) due to the shape of my uterus it’s also looking like I might have to have a c-section too.

So I’m not really sure what DH and I would really get out of NCT classes other than meeting parents to be at a similar stage?

I’m worried I’ll be judged massively for not breastfeeding, I’ve heard they can be a bit cult like in how they push breast feeding.

Has anyone been to NCT classes and knew they weren’t going to breast feed? Did you get an okay reception or no?

@Yerroblemom1923

Tbf you're probably right. From what I hear it's all hardcore breastfeeders and natural birthers. Those thay don't adhere to those rules are generally shunned.

Yeah until they have babies. Then they split into two groups - those who realise c sections and FF are fine actually. And those who it turned out ok for so they judge everyone who didn't have a natural birth and BF.

Have you joined your mumsnet ante natal club op? I've met loads of friends off mine.

You could give it a try. There is nothing to say you have to keep in touch with these people.

I was lucky and 14 yrs later we still meet regularly, some times the mums, some times with the children and occasionally with spouses too. Pre covid we went camping together each year.

Its so helpful to have people to talk to who are at the same stage as you with their children. We currently talk about options and GCSEs!
I know these ladies well but have no recollection of who had what kind of birth and how the babies were fed!
And if people had strong opinions would you want to be friends with someone who was so judgey? On the other hand you might be lucky and find friends for life!

20 years ago with my first, I was reduced to tears on the phone by someone from the NCT. I was enquiring about jointing her local group.

I didn’t want to breastfeed and I was having an elective section. She asked if I was doing it because I wanted to be like the spice girls (I was 22), and started telling me horror stories. She also told me that I didn’t have to lie about being married these days (I was married, she just didn’t believe me as I was young).

Horrible bloody woman.

Argh, maybe I’ll give it a go then? I’m torn between wanting to ring up and voicing my concerns to the person running it so I can save myself time and money if they say ‘yeh it won’t be for you, sorry.’ Or whether to do like PP have suggested and basically lie and ‘pretend’ I intend on BFing. I don’t know if I’d be happy with that though as tbh, like people have said, I wouldn’t want to be friends with judgy people who base who they’re going to be ‘friendly’ with on how those people plan to feed their babies

It’s just hard as most of my friends either don’t have children or have older children 4/5 years old so they’re back at work now. I’m just conscious that when I have the baby, I may be a bit isolated if I don’t make the effort to try and meet people having babies at a similar time to me and I honestly don’t know how you go about doing that really other than an NCT class?

@Porridgeislife, that sounds fab, if I could find something similar in my area I’d definitely be tempted by that rather than an NCT.

When I lived in London and was pregnant 21 years ago I went to an NCT class and was not going to breastfeed and was going to have an epidural but the girls in the class were so lovely and my son still has the beany baby that one of the mums to be gave my son. A lovely class with lovely ladies and really enjoyed it.

I didn't do NCT but ended up on a baby massage course with 7 other women who had all done NCT together and got chatting to them over coffee.

Of the 7, 5 had c sections - some planned and some emergency. And of the 2 who had vaginal births, 1 was formula feeding. So out of a total of 7 women, only 1 had both a natural birth and breastfed!

I kind of wish I had done NCT actually, I think it would have been a good way to meet people. Maternity leave can be a lonely time and the more opportunities to meet people, the better.

The only real purpose of NCT for us was meeting other parents.
I did try a homebirth and breastfed, but there were caesereans and bottle feeders too.
It was just a nice group of people at the same stage in life.
We stayed in touch through the baby years but largely lost touch, as different primary schools and we mostly moved out the city.

Yeah until they have babies. Then they split into two groups - those who realise c sections and FF are fine actually. And those who it turned out ok for so they judge everyone who didn't have a natural birth and BF.

There was some poor woman (whose husband I couldn't stand) who was obsessed with natural birth. "We" weren't having painkillers because "we" didn't think they were good. She had all the interventions possible, bless her. I did too but I was OK with it.

It all comes out in the wash. Just don't tell anyone what you plan before. After, half the group is in the same boat anyway!

OP, I was very wary of the NCT for a whole heap of reasons, so did it very reluctantly. As a result, I made some of the best friends I've ever made. I was a SAHM for a long time, and having friends to do 'small child' things with was an absolute godsend - we spent a lot of time in one another's houses and with one another's children - in the park, going for walks, etc, etc, etc. I did a lot just with my own DC, but they were quite often more civilised when there were lots of other children around, and I got to have fragments of adult conversation. We've largely moved away in the intervening 20+ years, but we are all still very close. Nobody noticed or cared how someone else was feeding their baby or how they gave birth - all any normal mother is interested in is giving birth to a healthy baby and then trying to do a decent job of being a parent. It was honestly one of the best things I did when my children were babies.

In our NCT class we had 2 women who knew they'd be having c sections by the time the course started (one twin pregnancy with previous uterine surgery and one GD)

We also had one woman who wouldn't be breastfeeding (I'm not sure if it was a can't or didn't want to)

Our course was still very inclusive of them. We talked loads about c sections alongside natural birth and pain relief. It was helpful for the c section ladies to know how labour might start and things they could do if it started before their surgery date.

Breastfeeding was covered in an optional additional session which the woman I mentioned missed.

Yes after birth there was lots of talk about healing and breastfeeding but I never once felt any judgement for not breastfeeding. I ended up combi feeding my first and another of our group full formula fed.

I think if they know in advance about the c section they can make sure to tailor the course to your needs.

Well you could lie and say you are planning on BF but then after birth say you had problems so switched. Most do anyway.

@JengaTower

I planned to breastfeed but it didn't work out so just say that and add that baby is tongue tied - it's a thing

Why lie? If OP has made the decision that's that

I did antenatal and postnatal classes, and found the postnatal ones much more useful. Obviously we’d all had our babies by then and so the type of birth was a non-issue, and there was a mix of breast and bottle feeding. But we had useful discussions on how we were finding the first few weeks generally, also practical discussions on sleep, routines, nappies etc.

I found the antenatal classes a bit frustrating. My attitude to birth was that it’s a means to an end and the main aim should be to end up with a healthy mother and baby, and so the early days and weeks should be the main focus of nct classes. The focus on only three birth felt a bit like if you were planning to emigrate to Australia and all someone would tell you is about the plane journey to get there rather than Iife in Australia - somewhat missing the point!

But my main purpose was to meet a few other parents who lived locally, and I succeeded in this. Of course you’re not going to be friends with everyone but in each of my two nct groups there were a couple of women I’m still in touch with nearly a decade later. And I couldn’t even remember now who in the group breastfed, had a Caesarean etc - perspective is a wonderful thing.

I went primarily to make friends as most of mine already have kids but it was clear from the off, that the group were not my people and I wouldn't be taking any of them along as long term friends, which was disappointing as lots of my friends who have had babies in years gone by still have their NCT friends

I find this a bit sad. All of us in my nct group were very different, probably wouldn’t have chosen to be friends, but had a lovely year hanging out together. Sometimes it’s interesting to get to know different types of people.

And you won’t be the only one daydreaming and nodding through whatever aspects don’t appeal to you. I remember nodding and smiling vaguely at the instructor as she banged on about breathing your way through labour. No thanks, I want - and had - a very nice epidural.

YABU.

I had a section and so did a few of the others. I actually found the session on what to expect (we were led by a practising midwife) in a section really helpful. She set up Lego dolls or something as all the medical staff and went through their roles.

One of our three days was focused on bf, and one woman who knew she wasn’t going to bf just didn’t go to that session.

NCT for me wasn’t about the course at all. A couple of weeks later (baby just turned two) we went into lockdown as I was in hospital giving birth.

I cannot explain enough how very very important having a group of women I’d met irl and bonded with was on those early days, when we couldn’t have friends, family or medical professionals. WhatsApp basically saved our lives multiple times, and we still message on group chat every day and meet up in smaller groups now we can.

Do it for the mum friends for sure. They’re only human.

@Yerroblemom1923

Tbf you're probably right. From what I hear it's all hardcore breastfeeders and natural birthers. Those thay don't adhere to those rules are generally shunned.

From what you hear but not your own actual experience ...

Nobody asks you how you plan to give birth or feed. There is information about all options which was interesting but I can’t say I learned anything I hadn’t already read about. I really appreciated the support from the group after, we set up a WhatsApp. Whilst we probably wouldn’t be friends without babies, it was great to get a message knowing others where going through the same things as you and we all gave each other advice etc. we had some meet ups too and was great to see the babies interacting (my friends didn’t have babies either so couldn’t do it with them). I really think it depends on the group you get, but don’t let feeding or birth type put you off.

I had a really positive NCT experience, no pushy breastfeeding advice or judgement. Our group is still close 2 years on and we have made very close friends with one couple in particular.

Half our group had c sections and for a few breastfeeding didn’t work out (myself included!). Even if they aren’t people you would normally be friends with, as long as they are a nice bunch it’s great to have a group going through the same stages of you!

I liked it probably for different reasons. My workplace allowed time off for the classes. The person running it was fine but not the best. We had a nurse in the group, who kept correcting her. There were no pressures on anything. I'm still in touch with all but one of the group and its lovely to meet up, have photos etc still at 12yrs old. When I had my second, we didn't go but we had a nice established group that we would celebrate siblings as they came along.

Congrats

There was plenty of variety at my NCT class - out of 9 couples, 5 ended up breastfeeding, 4 had c-sections.

We met our best friends at NCT, they're like family to us now. We don't see anyone else from the group, just one couple, but I'm so glad we met.

I'd go - there's plenty of info you can use even if you'll be having a c-section, and having people in the same boat as first time parents is really helpful.

I do know why you’d have to lie to say you were planning to bf?

Our class had couples with a mix of plans and whose labours/feeding turned out in various ways. It really didn’t make any difference. We did have one class specifically on breastfeeding and some couples skipped that.
Like many others, I made great friends in our class so was worth it for that alone.

Is there an NHS group you can join or have they stopped now? I’m still v friendly with a Mum I met at the NHS group.

The mums I bonded well with at the NCT group both moved overseas, so I don’t meet them any more. Whether NCT is for you probably depends on your tutor. I didn’t want to breast feed and was open minded about the birth as long as we both came out of it relatively intact. Our tutor was lovely, and there was lots of info about all kinds of births. And I ended up breastfeeding for over two years despite my misgivings. So maybe have a chat with them to see if you like their approach, but I’d try to stay open minded about it all.

I wouldn’t go near one as my friends went and told me theirs was very keen on low/none intervention etc and I’d had a lot of medical help to get pregnant so couldn’t have stood it. That was 20plus years ago although my SIL went to one 13 years ago and it was the same. I just did the nhs classes which were pretty good. Experienced midwife ignored the official line and insisted on showing us how to safely make up bottles. Who in their right mind thinks you shouldn’t include that in an antenatal programme.

I did an NCT course and openly said I wouldn’t breastfeed and would be having a c section. We had two women running the course and one just did two breastfeeding sessions. She was very dismissive of me about not breastfeeding (and she didn’t ask what my reasoning behind it was to know; not that any specific reason is needed). However, because I said I was having a c section the other course leader went to great lengths to dedicate an entire session to the theatre experience and so everyone would know what to expect.

I also made four of my best friends who were on the course and we still meet up and chat all the time all these years later.

In my experience the course content isn’t worth it but if you get the right people on your course (and that’s a gamble) then they more than make it worthwhile.