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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am a horrible, horrible person

107 replies

Xztop · 15/04/2022 13:28

Posting here for traffic...
My dad was rushed to hospital on Thursday for emergency surgery. He is very ill but as far as I know will eventually make a full recovery.
I'm going to visit him on Sunday but I don't want to go. I am dreading it. I can't cope with any kind of illness or weakness. I'm fully aware there is something fundamentally wrong with me. I will of course be forcing myself to go and would never let him know I don't want to be there. Has anyone else ever felt like this?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 15/04/2022 13:33

Sorry he’s so ill. Is anyone else visiting him? Can you FaceTime instead if you can’t face it and he’ll have other company?

It’s a waste of time berating yourself.

IAMGE · 15/04/2022 13:35

I spent years trying at times to have a relationship with mine - they are abusive narcs here but the child inside me always wants their love. Because I stood up to them they don’t talk to me despite living round the corner. If my father goes to hospital I won’t go - he didn’t want to know me when he was ‘healthy’ so why should I go to see him just to please him! Absolutely not.

IAMGE · 15/04/2022 13:36

In your case - sorry just reread it you aren’t estranged - phone the ward and speak to him

Donkeyinamanger · 15/04/2022 13:39

I don't think there is anything wrong with you. What you are feeling is normal. It is scary when someone is suddenly very ill and most people would struggle with it. You will probably find once you have gone, it will all seem a lot less scary.

707smile · 15/04/2022 13:40

I don't think that that makes you a bad person. Does illness just feel like a threat to you? I think I get it but maybe it's something else? There might even be an evolutionary element- being sort of programmed to run away from illness (which obviously isn't contagious but our inbuilt responses to these type of things don't always make sense).

It's great that you're going to see him despite this, definitely go ahead with that. I hope your Dad improves soon.

JellyBunny · 15/04/2022 13:41

I think I would feel h that way too OP

Heythere13 · 15/04/2022 13:43

What is your relationship like with your father?

MadameDragon · 15/04/2022 13:43

Judge yourself by your actions, not your feelings. You’re going to go, so you’re not a horrible person.

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 15/04/2022 13:45

What do you mean by weakness?

Do you find people who are ill weak? As in, pathetic/malingering/lacking in the ability to just power through?

If you dont like illness because you think it makes people weak and you look down on that, then that's awful.

Or do you mean you cant handle illness and weakness because it makes you sad/think about mortality/make you worried etc?

Hellocatshome · 15/04/2022 13:45

I understand I am absolutely rubbish at dealing with illness. Injury im not too bad with but illnesses I cant cope with and I really really hate visiting anyone in hospital.

darlingdodo · 15/04/2022 13:48

I'm rubbish at this sort of thing too - I also don't like a fuss when I'm unwell, would much prefer no visitors in hospital. I think it's a personal thing. Do you think your Dad would like to see you? If he would, I think you just have to get on with it - our general hospital is currently only allowing half hour visits for a designated person ('cos Covid....)

Throckmorton · 15/04/2022 13:50

You're not horrible, nor is there anything wrong with you! It's very very common to find dealing with illness very difficult - quite apart from anything else, it IS bloody difficult! The main thing is that you plan to go, and that you care about him.

Original poster
Xztop · 15/04/2022 13:51

@BeforeGodAndAllTheFish
No, I don't think ill people are weak and look down on them, not at all. I mean more like weakness as in if someone is upset I don't know what to say in those circumstances. It's very hard to explain.

To everyone else, thank you. I was expecting to hear how vile a person I am

OP posts:
Goodbyetowinter · 15/04/2022 13:51

It's about what's best for him, not you. It's not all about you. He's ill, in hospital and you don't want to visit him? I missed one day visiting my dad in hospital as my husband had invited his friends for a bbq. Dad unexpectedly died the next morning and the nurse told me off for missing the previous day's visit. I have to live with the guilt for the rest of my life. Your poor, poor father.

Heythere13 · 15/04/2022 13:58

@Goodbyetowinter

It's about what's best for him, not you. It's not all about you. He's ill, in hospital and you don't want to visit him? I missed one day visiting my dad in hospital as my husband had invited his friends for a bbq. Dad unexpectedly died the next morning and the nurse told me off for missing the previous day's visit. I have to live with the guilt for the rest of my life. Your poor, poor father.
Not necessarily

If he was abusive then the Op may feel obliged to attend but ultimately wouldn’t do her any good.

Physically ill always trump mental health

Hugasauras · 15/04/2022 14:01

Perfectly understandable, OP. Hospitals aren't a nice environment to visit and it's scary when someone we love is hooked up to machines and clearly unwell in a strange place. I think there's a fear of mortality/self-preservation thing that goes on too, plus being faced with illness makes it really 'real' in that sense.

You can't help how you feel about it, so ignore that horrible post above. You can help what you do, but you've already said you know you will go, so be kind to yourself Thanks

CoreyTaylorisHot · 15/04/2022 14:02

What your describing is how I thought everyone felt.
I'm a nurse and can't stand it if any of my family are ill. I dread visiting my grandad who has Alzheimer's as it's soo hard. When my other grandad was dying I didn't want to see him and didn't want to see him in that state.
It's perfectly normal what your feeling. That's not a weakness

Original poster
Xztop · 15/04/2022 14:03

Now I have actually written it down and 'voiced' my issues out loud I suspect it's because I'm scared.

I want to see him but i dont want to see him in hospital if that makes any sense. But I will of course be going and won't let him know how I feel because I am fully aware it's not about me!

OP posts:
ArtVandalay · 15/04/2022 14:05

I totally empathise. My dad was in hospital at the end of last year. I wanted nothing more than to run in the opposite direction than to visit him. My siblings admitted to feeling the same. It was so hard to see him getting worse and worse and he was often very tearful. I had to give myself a talking to every day and massively steel myself at the door to the ward.

I will say that I never once regretting going in but I hated every minute of it.

KatherineJaneway · 15/04/2022 14:07

It isn't about you, it is about him and how your visit and support makes him feel.

zingally · 15/04/2022 14:11

I don't think it's unreasonable to feel nervous/scared about this. That's a perfectly normal reaction. I'm guessing that your family also know you don't do well with this sort of thing.

My older sister, who is on the autistic spectrum, is the same. When my dad was very ill (and ultimately did die), she was hopeless. Didn't/wouldn't/couldn't go and visit him. Left all his care to my mum and I.

I know it wasn't her fault, but I was really angry about it for a long time. I was struggling with my own stuff at the same time, and just felt well and truly dumped on. And I know it'll be the same when our mum needs extra support/dies. I've accepted it, but it's done our relationship no favours. I know we've got some hard conversations ahead in the years to come.

I get that it's hard for you. But it's also hard for everyone else. If you really CAN'T do the "sitting at the bedside" thing, what CAN you do instead? Can you sort out the behind the scenes stuff? Things like making sure your mum has a meal in the freezer for when she gets home. Or calling round to get quotes for any house adaptations that might be needed? Making sure the hospital visitors have cash for parking machines? Etc etc. Please don't just bow out completely.

My sister came out with all sorts of corkers, like "I'm asserting a boundary I've put for myself, and not coming." All well and good, but my mum and I never got a chance to "assert a boundary", because there was Shit To Do.

HardbackWriter · 15/04/2022 14:11

@CoreyTaylorisHot

What your describing is how I thought everyone felt. I'm a nurse and can't stand it if any of my family are ill. I dread visiting my grandad who has Alzheimer's as it's soo hard. When my other grandad was dying I didn't want to see him and didn't want to see him in that state. It's perfectly normal what your feeling. That's not a weakness
I also thought this feeling was universal - who would want to see a loved one suffering from illness, and who wouldn't find it frightening? The key thing is that you're going, OP.
Blossomtoes · 15/04/2022 14:13

@Xztop

Now I have actually written it down and 'voiced' my issues out loud I suspect it's because I'm scared.

I want to see him but i dont want to see him in hospital if that makes any sense. But I will of course be going and won't let him know how I feel because I am fully aware it's not about me!

It makes complete sense. It’s really hard to come to terms with your parents getting older and having to face their mortality. You’re not vile, you’re human.
DrSbaitso · 15/04/2022 14:16

It sounds rather normal to me. If we all knew what to say and do in difficult situations, they wouldn't be difficult situations.

I'm not sure that how you feel matters as much as what you do.

I'm sorry your father is ill and I hope he recovers. You'll be a comfort just by being there.

GorgeousGoldies · 15/04/2022 14:17

I quite understand how you feel - I too thought it was how everyone felt. I’ve never shied away from visiting anyone ill, but I can’t say I relish the prospect. Once you’re there though, you either feel more comfortable than expected, or slip into a bit of a role.

I suspect that, particularly with your father (depending on your relationship), he has always been the strong one, your protector, and to see him vulnerable is extra hard.

You say that will go, so you are clearly going to do the right thing. I hope it’s not as hard as you expect.